07 July 2003
"NO DISGRACE LIKE HOME"-- Season 1, Episode 4
The best part of this Simpsons episode was the visual of the family hooked up to a system wherein they could give each other electroshock. RIP, Dr. Marvin Monroe.
--------------------------------------------------
Burns: Now it's time to say goodbye. Please get off my property until next year. I suggest you don't dawdle, the hounds will be released in ten minutes.
Homer: Look at that, kids! No fighting, no yelling.
Bart: No belching.
Lisa: Their dad has a shirt on!
Marge: Look! Napkins!
Bart: These people are obviously freaks.
Wife (in commercial): Honey, you have a problem, and it won't get better until you admit it.
Husband: I admit this... You better shut your big yap!
Monroe: Hello, I'm Dr. Marvin Monroe, no doubt you recognize me from TV.
Lisa: We would if we had one.
The best part of this Simpsons episode was the visual of the family hooked up to a system wherein they could give each other electroshock. RIP, Dr. Marvin Monroe.
--------------------------------------------------
Burns: Now it's time to say goodbye. Please get off my property until next year. I suggest you don't dawdle, the hounds will be released in ten minutes.
Homer: Look at that, kids! No fighting, no yelling.
Bart: No belching.
Lisa: Their dad has a shirt on!
Marge: Look! Napkins!
Bart: These people are obviously freaks.
Wife (in commercial): Honey, you have a problem, and it won't get better until you admit it.
Husband: I admit this... You better shut your big yap!
Monroe: Hello, I'm Dr. Marvin Monroe, no doubt you recognize me from TV.
Lisa: We would if we had one.
I AM TOTALLY SHOCKED
It's hard to believe that Michael Savage, model of verbal restraint and paragon of anti-litigiousness, could be let go by MSNBC. After all this heroic, iconoclastic figure has had to endure from defecating Turd Worlders, sodomites, feminazis, and ghetto slime, you would think that the brass at MSNBC would give him at least one free pass for wishing AIDS upon one of his gay callers. Why doesn't this fit under the category of a "compelling opinion and analysis with an edge" made by a "brash, passionate and smart" individual? The hypocrisy of these bed-wetting America-haters will not go unnoticed by the racists, gay masochists, robber barons, farm animals, and coma patients that make up the estimable Savage Nation.
The next thing you know, those sniveling crypto-Communists at that cesspool of a cable network will claim that Joe Scarborough is a squinty, charisma-less, moronic ratings killer. Or that Keith Olbermann is a smug, charisma-less, moronic ratings killer. Or that Lester Holt is a creepy, unblinking, alien-cyborg-like ratings killer. It's enough to drive a true American Patriot over to the Home and Garden Channel. A pox on all your houses!
It's hard to believe that Michael Savage, model of verbal restraint and paragon of anti-litigiousness, could be let go by MSNBC. After all this heroic, iconoclastic figure has had to endure from defecating Turd Worlders, sodomites, feminazis, and ghetto slime, you would think that the brass at MSNBC would give him at least one free pass for wishing AIDS upon one of his gay callers. Why doesn't this fit under the category of a "compelling opinion and analysis with an edge" made by a "brash, passionate and smart" individual? The hypocrisy of these bed-wetting America-haters will not go unnoticed by the racists, gay masochists, robber barons, farm animals, and coma patients that make up the estimable Savage Nation.
The next thing you know, those sniveling crypto-Communists at that cesspool of a cable network will claim that Joe Scarborough is a squinty, charisma-less, moronic ratings killer. Or that Keith Olbermann is a smug, charisma-less, moronic ratings killer. Or that Lester Holt is a creepy, unblinking, alien-cyborg-like ratings killer. It's enough to drive a true American Patriot over to the Home and Garden Channel. A pox on all your houses!
WEEKEND NEWS IN BRIEF
Hope everyone had a safe, profitable, thought-provoking Fourth of July and that all your limbs are still intact. On a related note, I will be looking into establishing a "Save Norbizness' Liver" PayPal account. If Andrew Sullivan can raise $80,000 for absolutely no reason, I can certainly expect to get at least $10-$20 to go towards the down payment on a black market Chinese liver to replace the one I think I irrevocably damaged in weekend festivities.
Brevity is the key to wit, isn't it? Well, as far as I can tell, this is the upshot of the weekend's news:
General Franks to Troops: No reinforcements right now. You understand, don't you?
Troops to General Franks: We sure do! Thanks, asswipe!
Iraqi resistance to Bush: Do you consider it 'brought'?
Administration apologists to the world: Good God almighty, we are not very bright.
Hope everyone had a safe, profitable, thought-provoking Fourth of July and that all your limbs are still intact. On a related note, I will be looking into establishing a "Save Norbizness' Liver" PayPal account. If Andrew Sullivan can raise $80,000 for absolutely no reason, I can certainly expect to get at least $10-$20 to go towards the down payment on a black market Chinese liver to replace the one I think I irrevocably damaged in weekend festivities.
Brevity is the key to wit, isn't it? Well, as far as I can tell, this is the upshot of the weekend's news:
General Franks to Troops: No reinforcements right now. You understand, don't you?
Troops to General Franks: We sure do! Thanks, asswipe!
Iraqi resistance to Bush: Do you consider it 'brought'?
Administration apologists to the world: Good God almighty, we are not very bright.
03 July 2003
MORE LINKS TO YOUR RIGHT. THEY'RE ALL MORE POPULAR THAN I AM, SO I OBVIOUSLY PUT THEM THERE TO CURRY FAVOR. SO I'M A CRAVEN SYCOPHANT.
A special shout-out to Kate, who realizes that my new blogrolling technique is, much like Hakeem Olajuwon circa 1994, unstoppable. My new filing and fighting techniques are also unstoppable, but Karate Snoopy will kick my ass for copyright infringement if I mention it too much.
A special shout-out to Kate, who realizes that my new blogrolling technique is, much like Hakeem Olajuwon circa 1994, unstoppable. My new filing and fighting techniques are also unstoppable, but Karate Snoopy will kick my ass for copyright infringement if I mention it too much.
SEASON 1, EPISODE 3: "HOMER'S ODYSSEY"
The episode where Mr. Burns and a mysteriously black Waylon Smithers are introduced. Thought this batch of work-related quotes would be appropos in light of increasingly heavy burden borne by today's on-the-go proletariat. Rise up, comrades!
------------------------------------------------------------------
Narrator: When most people think of nuclear energy, they think of this...
A-Bomb: BOOM! [the kids cheer wildly]
Mrs. Winfield: Looks like young Simpson is going to kill himself.
Mr. Winfield: Oh, maybe not. Maybe he's just taking his boulder for a walk.
Homer: Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say... This stinks!
Burns (to Homer): You're not as stupid as you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates.
The episode where Mr. Burns and a mysteriously black Waylon Smithers are introduced. Thought this batch of work-related quotes would be appropos in light of increasingly heavy burden borne by today's on-the-go proletariat. Rise up, comrades!
------------------------------------------------------------------
Narrator: When most people think of nuclear energy, they think of this...
A-Bomb: BOOM! [the kids cheer wildly]
Mrs. Winfield: Looks like young Simpson is going to kill himself.
Mr. Winfield: Oh, maybe not. Maybe he's just taking his boulder for a walk.
Homer: Your lives are in the hands of men no smarter than you or I, many of them incompetent boobs. I know this because I worked alongside them, gone bowling with them, watched them pass me over for promotions time and again. And I say... This stinks!
Burns (to Homer): You're not as stupid as you look, or sound, or our best testing indicates.
REDISTRCTING. HUH! GOOD GOD Y'ALL! WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR? ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. SAY IT AGAIN...
For the best ongoing factual coverage of the quirks and national repercussions of the redistricting fight in Texas (which has now spilled over into a special session), I would suggest looking at Off the Kuff and the Burnt Orange Report (hook 'em!).
For the most mediocre opinions concerning this continuing farce, I would suggest staying tuned to this webpage for further developments throughout the holiday weekend. Be thankful, regardless of your political hue, that you still live in a country that has the potential to change, and, if you're outside of Texas, be thankful that Tom DeLay isn't fucking with you.
For the best ongoing factual coverage of the quirks and national repercussions of the redistricting fight in Texas (which has now spilled over into a special session), I would suggest looking at Off the Kuff and the Burnt Orange Report (hook 'em!).
For the most mediocre opinions concerning this continuing farce, I would suggest staying tuned to this webpage for further developments throughout the holiday weekend. Be thankful, regardless of your political hue, that you still live in a country that has the potential to change, and, if you're outside of Texas, be thankful that Tom DeLay isn't fucking with you.
02 July 2003
SOMEONE REMIND ME AGAIN WHY THIS GUY IS ALLOWED TO MAKE PUBLIC UTTERANCES
"There are some that feel like if they attack us that we may decide to leave prematurely. They don't understand what they are talking about if that is the case. Let me finish. There are some who feel like the conditions are such that they can attack us there. My answer is, bring them on."
My questions are:
(1) Who interrupted him so that he was impelled to say "Let me finish?" Was it one of his handlers, sensing that he was about to make an asinine, counter-productive statement?
(2) Will Administration apologists start producing graphs detailing Coalition deaths with this asinine, counter-productive statement as the dividing line?
(3) Will this asinine, counter-productive statement appear in Jacob Weisberg's Bushisms, or it is way too morbid?
(4) Will World Wrestling Federation Smackdown be v-chipped off his bedroom television by an astute Karl Rove in order to prevent future asinine, counter-productive statements?
(5) Did anyone tell him we don't have enough troops?
(6) And, most interestingly, will this asinine, counter-productive statement actually improve his popularity?
"There are some that feel like if they attack us that we may decide to leave prematurely. They don't understand what they are talking about if that is the case. Let me finish. There are some who feel like the conditions are such that they can attack us there. My answer is, bring them on."
My questions are:
(1) Who interrupted him so that he was impelled to say "Let me finish?" Was it one of his handlers, sensing that he was about to make an asinine, counter-productive statement?
(2) Will Administration apologists start producing graphs detailing Coalition deaths with this asinine, counter-productive statement as the dividing line?
(3) Will this asinine, counter-productive statement appear in Jacob Weisberg's Bushisms, or it is way too morbid?
(4) Will World Wrestling Federation Smackdown be v-chipped off his bedroom television by an astute Karl Rove in order to prevent future asinine, counter-productive statements?
(5) Did anyone tell him we don't have enough troops?
(6) And, most interestingly, will this asinine, counter-productive statement actually improve his popularity?
01 July 2003
PAY ATTENTION, IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN. PROFESSOR PAUL WOLFOWITZ HAS SOME CIVICS LESSONS FOR YOU.
(1) Military tribunals: Let's see. The flaming wreckage that was the main courthouse is unsuitable for holding criminal trials. No matter--- what you need to do is declare the insurrectionists 'enemy combatants' and hold the trials in some temporary buildings over by the Army base. This way, you get rid of pesky procedural issues like right to jury trial, right to confront your accusers, unanimous verdicts, and right to appeal. What's that? You say you're just some street thug, tryin' to get paid? Well, I'm sorry. The designated "appointments officer" had "reason to believe" that you are dead-set on destroying the Iraqi/Afghani way of life, so you're up shit creek with a turd for a paddle. Say hello to hell for me!
(2) Helping out your bestest buddy, the United States: It's 2007... the troops have finally left, you've got some sort of coalition Parliament set up, and suddenly the United States comes a-knockin', asking to use Basra as a staging ground for a scheduled invasion of Tehran. You don't really want to mix it up with the Iranians, and you suspect that this is a ploy to improve the potential electability of Jeb Bush in 2008. So, you politely decline. Wrong answer! Remember: failures of the civilian government can be remedied with "strong leadership" by the military.
(3) Dazzle the world with brazen hypocrisy: It's 2008-- say you're the tattered remains of a provisional government based in Kabul; however, you wish to support your Pakistani brethren by pre-emptively sending 10,000 troops to invade Kashmir. All of a sudden, those jackasses in Nepal think they have a dog in the fight, and start sending military aid to pro-Indian forces in Kashmir. Take a page from the Professor (but be sure to use the correct countries): "we went to Syria and delivered a very tough message about how Syria needs to shape up and stop supporting terrorism and stop interfering with Iraq. That’s the message that ought to come through and I think anything, that Turkey does what Syria or does with Iran should fit into an overall policy with us, of getting those countries to change their bad behavior."
You are now ready to graduate to full-fledged puppet state. Here's your sheepskin and $2 billion in military aid. Spend it wisely, or we'll probably have to invade you again. Cheers!
(1) Military tribunals: Let's see. The flaming wreckage that was the main courthouse is unsuitable for holding criminal trials. No matter--- what you need to do is declare the insurrectionists 'enemy combatants' and hold the trials in some temporary buildings over by the Army base. This way, you get rid of pesky procedural issues like right to jury trial, right to confront your accusers, unanimous verdicts, and right to appeal. What's that? You say you're just some street thug, tryin' to get paid? Well, I'm sorry. The designated "appointments officer" had "reason to believe" that you are dead-set on destroying the Iraqi/Afghani way of life, so you're up shit creek with a turd for a paddle. Say hello to hell for me!
(2) Helping out your bestest buddy, the United States: It's 2007... the troops have finally left, you've got some sort of coalition Parliament set up, and suddenly the United States comes a-knockin', asking to use Basra as a staging ground for a scheduled invasion of Tehran. You don't really want to mix it up with the Iranians, and you suspect that this is a ploy to improve the potential electability of Jeb Bush in 2008. So, you politely decline. Wrong answer! Remember: failures of the civilian government can be remedied with "strong leadership" by the military.
(3) Dazzle the world with brazen hypocrisy: It's 2008-- say you're the tattered remains of a provisional government based in Kabul; however, you wish to support your Pakistani brethren by pre-emptively sending 10,000 troops to invade Kashmir. All of a sudden, those jackasses in Nepal think they have a dog in the fight, and start sending military aid to pro-Indian forces in Kashmir. Take a page from the Professor (but be sure to use the correct countries): "we went to Syria and delivered a very tough message about how Syria needs to shape up and stop supporting terrorism and stop interfering with Iraq. That’s the message that ought to come through and I think anything, that Turkey does what Syria or does with Iran should fit into an overall policy with us, of getting those countries to change their bad behavior."
You are now ready to graduate to full-fledged puppet state. Here's your sheepskin and $2 billion in military aid. Spend it wisely, or we'll probably have to invade you again. Cheers!
SMOKE UP, BITCHES!
According to the best minds at the "High Times" undeground research bunker, smoking marijuana does not lead to long-term brain damage. Flush with this knowledge, my East Side homiez 8-Ball and El Guapo have upped their intaken from a mere O-Z per week to a full Q-P. I myself have recovered many long-term memories that I had hypochondriacally convinced myself I had lost to the pervasive effects of the demon weed.
And what a flood of memories they are! Painful, painful memories. I remembered that my decade-long dalliance with the hippie lettuce had caused most of the terrorist activity around the world, killed judges, made Cheney's hair to fall out, got some girl knocked up at a party on Long Island, impelled several Phish fans to run over a squirrel in Colorado Springs. I also remembered to check the White House Drug Policy database on weed, where I learned several new monikers for marijuana: BC Bud (apparently this is some Canadian communist plot), indo, and shake.
I appreciate our government being so hysterically interested in personal consumption of marijuana. According to the Drug Czar: (1) no drug matches the threat posed by marijuana; (2) 'addiction' to marijuana exceeds the rate of addiction of all other drugs combined, to the tune of about 3 million people hooked on the kind bud; (3) marijuana causes shitloads of emergency visits (even exceeding heroin!); (4) smoking weed causes 'changes in the brain' similar to those caused by cocaine and heroin; (5) 45% of reckless drivers tested positive for weed; (6) the weed you're smoking is 7 times stronger than the shit those weak-ass hippies smoked in the early 70s; (7) 'marijuana and violence are linked'; (8) decriminalization would 'be a nightmare'; and (9) it can never be used as medicine.
Of course, all of these claims are demonstrably false. But good lookin' out for us potheads, Drug Czar. Thanks for the continuation of a sane, rational policy.
According to the best minds at the "High Times" undeground research bunker, smoking marijuana does not lead to long-term brain damage. Flush with this knowledge, my East Side homiez 8-Ball and El Guapo have upped their intaken from a mere O-Z per week to a full Q-P. I myself have recovered many long-term memories that I had hypochondriacally convinced myself I had lost to the pervasive effects of the demon weed.
And what a flood of memories they are! Painful, painful memories. I remembered that my decade-long dalliance with the hippie lettuce had caused most of the terrorist activity around the world, killed judges, made Cheney's hair to fall out, got some girl knocked up at a party on Long Island, impelled several Phish fans to run over a squirrel in Colorado Springs. I also remembered to check the White House Drug Policy database on weed, where I learned several new monikers for marijuana: BC Bud (apparently this is some Canadian communist plot), indo, and shake.
I appreciate our government being so hysterically interested in personal consumption of marijuana. According to the Drug Czar: (1) no drug matches the threat posed by marijuana; (2) 'addiction' to marijuana exceeds the rate of addiction of all other drugs combined, to the tune of about 3 million people hooked on the kind bud; (3) marijuana causes shitloads of emergency visits (even exceeding heroin!); (4) smoking weed causes 'changes in the brain' similar to those caused by cocaine and heroin; (5) 45% of reckless drivers tested positive for weed; (6) the weed you're smoking is 7 times stronger than the shit those weak-ass hippies smoked in the early 70s; (7) 'marijuana and violence are linked'; (8) decriminalization would 'be a nightmare'; and (9) it can never be used as medicine.
Of course, all of these claims are demonstrably false. But good lookin' out for us potheads, Drug Czar. Thanks for the continuation of a sane, rational policy.
29 June 2003
SEASON 1, EPISODE 2: "BART THE GENIUS". SO WHAT IF THE ANIMATION WAS SPOTTY? QUIT YER BITCHIN', YOU LOUSY INGRATES!
Mrs. Krabappel: These test will have no effect on your grade. They merely determine your future social status and financial success. [looks at Bart] If any.
Homer: I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare, in case Bart's brain blows up.
Homer: (at the opera) Who's the lard-butt?
Lisa: He's the bullfighter.
Bart: No way the bull's going to miss a target that big!
Homer: I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.
Mrs. Krabappel: These test will have no effect on your grade. They merely determine your future social status and financial success. [looks at Bart] If any.
Homer: I'm just saying, why not have two geniuses in the family? Sort of a spare, in case Bart's brain blows up.
Homer: (at the opera) Who's the lard-butt?
Lisa: He's the bullfighter.
Bart: No way the bull's going to miss a target that big!
Homer: I bet Einstein turned himself all sorts of colors before he invented the light bulb.
WEEKEND CLEAN-OUT. EVERYTHING MUST GO!
Well, it's time to clear out all the articles I bookmarked or printed with a brief comment, if warranted. Heaven forfend I should ever be accused of being stale and anachronistic (which, in weblog time, is about 12 hours).
(1) Ten Appalling Lies We Were Told About Iraq: Only 10? I think the Whiskey Bar is collecting another whopper per day (e.g. "it's not really guerrilla warfare"). Personally, I don't know how he does it. Collecting all of those inconsistent quotes could drive a man to... Vancouver, gas included.
(2) John Edwards' speech on the economy: Condense it down to a 30-second commercial in the Fall of 2004, and you may be on to something. "Never have so many been called upon to sacrifice so much for so few for so little?" Nah, too literary.
(3) Robert Byrd's speech on intelligence cover-ups. Pre-empting those of you who may accuse of me of hypocrisy in giving props to an ex-KKK member who once tried to filibuster the Civil Rights Act of 1964, let me remind you that I ain't said shit about Strom Thurmond (please disregard the "hellbound, mummified carcass" comment I left over at Vodka Pundit's site... that was purely a joke). If Strom ever used his last remaining semi-conscious moments to deliver a speech like this, I would have forgiven him, too.
(4) Bin Laden Huntin' Predator Drones: Now THESE are unmanned aircraft. A brief story to reflect on when questions like "Why didn't the Administration want an independent 9/11 commission?" or "Why the fuck won't they declassify anything?" get raised and ignored.
(5) Nigerians Order Probe Into Halliburton: I wanted this as a "bizarro story" on the Slumbering Pierrot Team Blog, but was overruled in favor of the missing Boeing 727 story. You know you've hit rock bottom when the Nigerians consider you corrupt. Maybe they were taken in by a bunch of spammy e-mails from Dick Cheney?
(5a) Remember those two Air Force cadet love birds that were convicted of murder in Texas a couple of years ago? Well, the female of the pair got married in prison to an inmate in other prison without ever having met each other face-to-face. Was the dowry paid out in worn-out copies of "Gigantic Asses Quarterly" and cartons of generic Diamond Shamrock cigarettes?
Coming up next week: smokin' dope, suin' doctors, redistrictin' the shit out of Texas, and more on everyone's favorite basket-case shithole of a botched reconstruction effort... Afghanistan!! Can it retain its Star Search title for two weeks in a row, or will plucky challengers Liberia and Iraq wrest the crown away? Join me, Ed McMahon, with celebrity judges Karl Lagerfeld, Dionne Warwick, Everybody Loves Raymond's Peter Boyle, and Paul Wolfowitz.
Well, it's time to clear out all the articles I bookmarked or printed with a brief comment, if warranted. Heaven forfend I should ever be accused of being stale and anachronistic (which, in weblog time, is about 12 hours).
(1) Ten Appalling Lies We Were Told About Iraq: Only 10? I think the Whiskey Bar is collecting another whopper per day (e.g. "it's not really guerrilla warfare"). Personally, I don't know how he does it. Collecting all of those inconsistent quotes could drive a man to... Vancouver, gas included.
(2) John Edwards' speech on the economy: Condense it down to a 30-second commercial in the Fall of 2004, and you may be on to something. "Never have so many been called upon to sacrifice so much for so few for so little?" Nah, too literary.
(3) Robert Byrd's speech on intelligence cover-ups. Pre-empting those of you who may accuse of me of hypocrisy in giving props to an ex-KKK member who once tried to filibuster the Civil Rights Act of 1964, let me remind you that I ain't said shit about Strom Thurmond (please disregard the "hellbound, mummified carcass" comment I left over at Vodka Pundit's site... that was purely a joke). If Strom ever used his last remaining semi-conscious moments to deliver a speech like this, I would have forgiven him, too.
(4) Bin Laden Huntin' Predator Drones: Now THESE are unmanned aircraft. A brief story to reflect on when questions like "Why didn't the Administration want an independent 9/11 commission?" or "Why the fuck won't they declassify anything?" get raised and ignored.
(5) Nigerians Order Probe Into Halliburton: I wanted this as a "bizarro story" on the Slumbering Pierrot Team Blog, but was overruled in favor of the missing Boeing 727 story. You know you've hit rock bottom when the Nigerians consider you corrupt. Maybe they were taken in by a bunch of spammy e-mails from Dick Cheney?
(5a) Remember those two Air Force cadet love birds that were convicted of murder in Texas a couple of years ago? Well, the female of the pair got married in prison to an inmate in other prison without ever having met each other face-to-face. Was the dowry paid out in worn-out copies of "Gigantic Asses Quarterly" and cartons of generic Diamond Shamrock cigarettes?
Coming up next week: smokin' dope, suin' doctors, redistrictin' the shit out of Texas, and more on everyone's favorite basket-case shithole of a botched reconstruction effort... Afghanistan!! Can it retain its Star Search title for two weeks in a row, or will plucky challengers Liberia and Iraq wrest the crown away? Join me, Ed McMahon, with celebrity judges Karl Lagerfeld, Dionne Warwick, Everybody Loves Raymond's Peter Boyle, and Paul Wolfowitz.
28 June 2003
MY NEW BLOGROLLING TECHNIQUE IS UNSTOPPABLE
Adding more and more links with more and more uninspired brief descriptions. A special shout-out to anyone on the list currently mired in rodentia on the Ecosystem; I myself have picked out a lovely Russian Dwarf Hamster, in that they are happy, furry, and enjoy story time. Currently, I am listed twice at #480 and #530... choose wisely, for although the links appear similar, picking the wrong one will cause your browser to irrevocably set your start-up page to Vanilla Ice. Please buy premium speakers to enjoy all that site has to offer.
Adding more and more links with more and more uninspired brief descriptions. A special shout-out to anyone on the list currently mired in rodentia on the Ecosystem; I myself have picked out a lovely Russian Dwarf Hamster, in that they are happy, furry, and enjoy story time. Currently, I am listed twice at #480 and #530... choose wisely, for although the links appear similar, picking the wrong one will cause your browser to irrevocably set your start-up page to Vanilla Ice. Please buy premium speakers to enjoy all that site has to offer.
27 June 2003
'ROUND SPRINGFIELD (in which Bleeding Gums Murphy expires)
Season 6, Episode 22:
6.22 “’Round Springfield” (Bleeding Gums dies)
Marge: OK. Who was George Washington Carver?
Bart: Um...the guy who chopped up George Washington?
Homer: Really? Wow.
Homer: Well, it's like the time that your cat Snowball got run over. Remember, honey?
Lisa: Yeah.
Homer: What I'm saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.
Lionel Hutz: [looking nervous] Well, for a case this complex, I had to assemble crack team of lawyers: Ronald Shaporo, trial attorney, Albert Dershman, who can hold three billiard balls in his mouth.
Season 6, Episode 22:
6.22 “’Round Springfield” (Bleeding Gums dies)
Marge: OK. Who was George Washington Carver?
Bart: Um...the guy who chopped up George Washington?
Homer: Really? Wow.
Homer: Well, it's like the time that your cat Snowball got run over. Remember, honey?
Lisa: Yeah.
Homer: What I'm saying is, all we have to do is go down to the pound and get a new jazzman.
Lionel Hutz: [looking nervous] Well, for a case this complex, I had to assemble crack team of lawyers: Ronald Shaporo, trial attorney, Albert Dershman, who can hold three billiard balls in his mouth.
WE'RE ALL GOING TO HELL. BRING MATERIALS FOR S'MORES.
§ 21.01. Definitions. In this chapter: (1) "Deviate sexual intercourse" means: (A) any contact between any part of the genitals of one person and the mouth or anus of another person; or
(B) the penetration of the genitals or the anus of another person with an object.
§ 21.06. Homosexual Conduct: (a) A person commits an offense if he engages in deviate sexual intercourse with another individual of the same sex. (b) An offense under this section is a Class C misdemeanor.
From Justice Scalia's dissent: "There are 203 prosecutions for consensual, adult homosexual sodomy reported in the West Reporting system and official state reporters from the years 1880-1995.... there are also records of 20 sodomy prosecutions and 4 executions during the colonial period."
Apparently, these approximately 2 prosecutions per year were all that was preventing the American family from utterly disintegrating, according to some reactionaries: "If the people have no right to regulate sexuality than ultimately the institution of marriage is in peril, and with it, the welfare of the coming generations of children.''
There are so many doomsday scenarios being floated in the press releases of moralistic crusaders, I thought it might be nice to imagine the flipside: (1) What if Texas, in a fit of Southern Baptist Old Testament literalism, decided to make consensual homosexual sex a capital crime? (2) What if all sex acts that could not lead to impregnation between married heterosexual couples were criminalized? (3) What if all sex acts between unmarried couples were criminalized? (4) What if adultery were re-criminalized? What if adultery were strictly construed, in the Biblical sense, to include any re-marraige?
Wouldn't throwing Newt Gingrich in jail help the family?
§ 21.01. Definitions. In this chapter: (1) "Deviate sexual intercourse" means: (A) any contact between any part of the genitals of one person and the mouth or anus of another person; or
(B) the penetration of the genitals or the anus of another person with an object.
§ 21.06. Homosexual Conduct: (a) A person commits an offense if he engages in deviate sexual intercourse with another individual of the same sex. (b) An offense under this section is a Class C misdemeanor.
From Justice Scalia's dissent: "There are 203 prosecutions for consensual, adult homosexual sodomy reported in the West Reporting system and official state reporters from the years 1880-1995.... there are also records of 20 sodomy prosecutions and 4 executions during the colonial period."
Apparently, these approximately 2 prosecutions per year were all that was preventing the American family from utterly disintegrating, according to some reactionaries: "If the people have no right to regulate sexuality than ultimately the institution of marriage is in peril, and with it, the welfare of the coming generations of children.''
There are so many doomsday scenarios being floated in the press releases of moralistic crusaders, I thought it might be nice to imagine the flipside: (1) What if Texas, in a fit of Southern Baptist Old Testament literalism, decided to make consensual homosexual sex a capital crime? (2) What if all sex acts that could not lead to impregnation between married heterosexual couples were criminalized? (3) What if all sex acts between unmarried couples were criminalized? (4) What if adultery were re-criminalized? What if adultery were strictly construed, in the Biblical sense, to include any re-marraige?
Wouldn't throwing Newt Gingrich in jail help the family?
IT'S A HORRIBLE PUN: WHITEWASHING
One of my ongoing interests is America's gnat-like memory concerning its own history. Being largely ignorant of Georgia's political history, I wanted to find some quotes from Lester Maddox, its recently deceased former governor. I was immediately directed to the Associated Press sanitized list of quotes (example here). Reading through these, you get to learn about former Governor Maddox's views on foreign aid, living up to people's expectations, challenges, and aging. What a sweet, doddering old codger. Rest in peace, you gallant prince and public servant.
Well, perhaps I should dig deeper. Something tells me that he may have had a few views on race, being the governor of a Southern state in the 60s and 70s and all.
"I'm still a segregationist. I just told you I'm a segregationist. I've told you that 15 times. When are you going to start believing me?" he said in 1973.
"In 1968, Maddox refused to close the Capitol for the funeral of the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., and expressed anger that state flags were being flown at half-staff."
"Maddox gained national attention in 1964 for wielding a pistol and chasing black protesters from his Pickrick fried chicken restaurant the day after the Civil Rights Act was signed into law. Whites from his restaurant chased the protesters with pick handles, which became Maddox's symbol."
And from the man himself: ""That's part of American greatness, discrimination. Inequality, I think, breeds freedom and gives a man opportunity."
-----------------------------------------------------
Postscript-- A different type of historical ignorance: Interestingly enough, the Free Republic types know all this about Maddox. Of course, they're incensed that the obituaries are not correctly identifying him as a Democrat. Given that also recently deceased Strom Thurmond defected to the Republican party in 1964, and that hopefully soon deceased Jesse Helms switched in 1972, bookending the fait accompli of the Nixonian Southern Strategy, such hysterics seem bizarrely ill-suited to the normally cool heads in Freepertonia. But the reader will have to trust the humble author that such defections actually occurred.
One of my ongoing interests is America's gnat-like memory concerning its own history. Being largely ignorant of Georgia's political history, I wanted to find some quotes from Lester Maddox, its recently deceased former governor. I was immediately directed to the Associated Press sanitized list of quotes (example here). Reading through these, you get to learn about former Governor Maddox's views on foreign aid, living up to people's expectations, challenges, and aging. What a sweet, doddering old codger. Rest in peace, you gallant prince and public servant.
Well, perhaps I should dig deeper. Something tells me that he may have had a few views on race, being the governor of a Southern state in the 60s and 70s and all.
"I'm still a segregationist. I just told you I'm a segregationist. I've told you that 15 times. When are you going to start believing me?" he said in 1973.
"In 1968, Maddox refused to close the Capitol for the funeral of the Rev. Martin Luther King Jr., and expressed anger that state flags were being flown at half-staff."
"Maddox gained national attention in 1964 for wielding a pistol and chasing black protesters from his Pickrick fried chicken restaurant the day after the Civil Rights Act was signed into law. Whites from his restaurant chased the protesters with pick handles, which became Maddox's symbol."
And from the man himself: ""That's part of American greatness, discrimination. Inequality, I think, breeds freedom and gives a man opportunity."
-----------------------------------------------------
Postscript-- A different type of historical ignorance: Interestingly enough, the Free Republic types know all this about Maddox. Of course, they're incensed that the obituaries are not correctly identifying him as a Democrat. Given that also recently deceased Strom Thurmond defected to the Republican party in 1964, and that hopefully soon deceased Jesse Helms switched in 1972, bookending the fait accompli of the Nixonian Southern Strategy, such hysterics seem bizarrely ill-suited to the normally cool heads in Freepertonia. But the reader will have to trust the humble author that such defections actually occurred.
26 June 2003
AGAIN WITH THE GODDAMNED SIMPSONS
Hopefully enough to tide over my legion of adoring, devoted readers until I discover some way to stop laughing from Justice Antonin "Bonecrusher" Scalia's dissent in the recent sodomy case. From Season 4, Episode 6-- “The Itchy and Scratchy Movie”
Sulu: Captain, Klingons off the starboard bow.
Kirk: [covering his face in annoyance] Again with the Klingons...
Homer: If you don't start making more sense, we're going to have to put you in a home.
Grampa: You already put me in a home.
Homer: Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on Sixty Minutes!
Grampa: [meekly] I'll be good.
Marge: Do you want your son to become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren wasn't a stripper!
Homer: Now who's being naive?
Hopefully enough to tide over my legion of adoring, devoted readers until I discover some way to stop laughing from Justice Antonin "Bonecrusher" Scalia's dissent in the recent sodomy case. From Season 4, Episode 6-- “The Itchy and Scratchy Movie”
Sulu: Captain, Klingons off the starboard bow.
Kirk: [covering his face in annoyance] Again with the Klingons...
Homer: If you don't start making more sense, we're going to have to put you in a home.
Grampa: You already put me in a home.
Homer: Then we'll put you in the crooked home we saw on Sixty Minutes!
Grampa: [meekly] I'll be good.
Marge: Do you want your son to become Chief Justice of the Supreme Court, or a sleazy male stripper?
Homer: Can't he be both, like the late Earl Warren?
Marge: Earl Warren wasn't a stripper!
Homer: Now who's being naive?
24 June 2003
SO THAT'S WHERE THEY GET THEM!
I was wondering where the pollsters got those people who thought that Iraqis piloted the 9/11 planes, that WMDs have been found and/or used, or that Kabul is the cradle of democracy. They're apparently all in New York, at GOP fundraisers, giving the Bush-Cheney re-election campaign $4 million. Time for you to ponder the imponderables:
From the President's speech: "In Afghanistan and Iraq, we gave ultimatums to terror regimes. Those regimes chose defiance and those regimes are no more. (Applause.) Fifty million people in those two countries once lived under tyranny, and now they live in freedom. (Applause.)"
From the above-referenced article: "Wilma Mooney, 54, a retired Manhattan stockbroker, pinched the president's cheek and he returned the favor by kissing her on the cheek. 'Thank God he's the president. I love him because he has moral clarity plus he's a hottie,' she said."
Just for the sake of partisan clarity, middle-aged women that fawned/fawn over Clinton also make me physically nauseous. Although I can understand Henry Kissinger. He just oozes power-based aphrodisiac.
I was wondering where the pollsters got those people who thought that Iraqis piloted the 9/11 planes, that WMDs have been found and/or used, or that Kabul is the cradle of democracy. They're apparently all in New York, at GOP fundraisers, giving the Bush-Cheney re-election campaign $4 million. Time for you to ponder the imponderables:
From the President's speech: "In Afghanistan and Iraq, we gave ultimatums to terror regimes. Those regimes chose defiance and those regimes are no more. (Applause.) Fifty million people in those two countries once lived under tyranny, and now they live in freedom. (Applause.)"
From the above-referenced article: "Wilma Mooney, 54, a retired Manhattan stockbroker, pinched the president's cheek and he returned the favor by kissing her on the cheek. 'Thank God he's the president. I love him because he has moral clarity plus he's a hottie,' she said."
Just for the sake of partisan clarity, middle-aged women that fawned/fawn over Clinton also make me physically nauseous. Although I can understand Henry Kissinger. He just oozes power-based aphrodisiac.
YOUR DAILY SIMPSONS QUOTE ESCAPISM CARAVAN
As a part of my never-ending quest to kill time, and to find out where exactly my favorite show "jumped the shark" (internet vernacular) or "turned to shit" (East Side vernacular), I have compiled some hilarious one-or-two liners from the Simpsons from glorious episodes past (thanks to the invaluable Simpsons Archive Episode Guide). Starting at Season 5, first epiode--- "Homer's Barbershop Quartet."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: Your teenage son or daughter will think this wishbone necklace is really cool!
Man: I doubt my son or daughter is that stupid.
Abe: That's my son up there!
Man: What, the balding fat-ass?
Abe: Uh, no, the...Hindu guy.
Homer: What'd you kids get?
Bart: I bought this cool pencil holder.
Homer: Heh heh, far out man. I haven't seen a bong in years.
Marge: (with Baby on Board sign) Look what I got! Now people will stop intentionally ramming our car.
Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero!
David: Oh, you like my music?
Barney: [surprised] You're a musician?
-------------------------------------------------------
And, if anyone knows a good Larry Sanders Show transcript or quotes database, please e-mail it to me. I am trying out some comic possibilities wherein Artie (Rip Torn) poses as an itinerant reporter and socks it to Ari Fleischer. A fitting send-off for our tonsorially challenged chief prevaricator.
As a part of my never-ending quest to kill time, and to find out where exactly my favorite show "jumped the shark" (internet vernacular) or "turned to shit" (East Side vernacular), I have compiled some hilarious one-or-two liners from the Simpsons from glorious episodes past (thanks to the invaluable Simpsons Archive Episode Guide). Starting at Season 5, first epiode--- "Homer's Barbershop Quartet."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------
Marge: Your teenage son or daughter will think this wishbone necklace is really cool!
Man: I doubt my son or daughter is that stupid.
Abe: That's my son up there!
Man: What, the balding fat-ass?
Abe: Uh, no, the...Hindu guy.
Homer: What'd you kids get?
Bart: I bought this cool pencil holder.
Homer: Heh heh, far out man. I haven't seen a bong in years.
Marge: (with Baby on Board sign) Look what I got! Now people will stop intentionally ramming our car.
Barney: David Crosby? You're my hero!
David: Oh, you like my music?
Barney: [surprised] You're a musician?
-------------------------------------------------------
And, if anyone knows a good Larry Sanders Show transcript or quotes database, please e-mail it to me. I am trying out some comic possibilities wherein Artie (Rip Torn) poses as an itinerant reporter and socks it to Ari Fleischer. A fitting send-off for our tonsorially challenged chief prevaricator.
AND WHAT IS IT WITH THESE SELECTIVE INTELLIGENCE REPORTS?
It's always good when you can figure out the interlocking mess of public relations, foreign intelligence, criminal justice, and re-election politics before lunch. First, review these two stories: (1) Bush determines Qatari student is an enemy combatant; (2) Terrorists possibly targeting Texas.
The first story talks about a Qatari student, held in normal criminal/material witness detention for the last 18 months with access to a lawyer and all those other Constitutional perks, now being removed to a military brig in South Carolina. Why? Who knows? Given the recent decision concerning secrecy and the Justice Department, we're not likely to know very soon. You can debate the merits of this policy... I personally feel that the first World Trade Center bombing criminal case, conducted in a federal criminal court but with a high sensitivity for security issues, was the best path. This just seems like sour grapes or prosecutorial misconduct (cross-reference the name "Padilla").
The second story talks about how terrorists are targeting East Texas oilfields on July 4th. Here, the non-specific threat gets lots of Homeland Security background: we get to learn the name of the al-Qaeda operative from an internet chatroom, the mysterious moniker of the guy who is supposed to give the go-ahead (the "Sheik"), the triggering event (something in Morocco), etc., etc. Why do we get all of this information? Am I supposed to start monitoring Moroccan newspapers?
The first story reads like a boring advertisement for the ACLU. The second story reads like a Tom Clancy novel. Any reason why?
-----------------------------------
Incidentally, the second story has an interesting tidbit. Apparently, oil and port facilities (such as the Houston Ship Channel, Beaumont, Port Arthur) were identified as especially vulnerable to terrorist attacks soon after September 11, 2001. Our intrepid Administration's response? "In recent weeks the Homeland Security Department announced about $30 million in grants to upgrade security at port facilities where oil is shipped in Houston and Beaumont." Awesome. Way to cut through that red tape.
It's always good when you can figure out the interlocking mess of public relations, foreign intelligence, criminal justice, and re-election politics before lunch. First, review these two stories: (1) Bush determines Qatari student is an enemy combatant; (2) Terrorists possibly targeting Texas.
The first story talks about a Qatari student, held in normal criminal/material witness detention for the last 18 months with access to a lawyer and all those other Constitutional perks, now being removed to a military brig in South Carolina. Why? Who knows? Given the recent decision concerning secrecy and the Justice Department, we're not likely to know very soon. You can debate the merits of this policy... I personally feel that the first World Trade Center bombing criminal case, conducted in a federal criminal court but with a high sensitivity for security issues, was the best path. This just seems like sour grapes or prosecutorial misconduct (cross-reference the name "Padilla").
The second story talks about how terrorists are targeting East Texas oilfields on July 4th. Here, the non-specific threat gets lots of Homeland Security background: we get to learn the name of the al-Qaeda operative from an internet chatroom, the mysterious moniker of the guy who is supposed to give the go-ahead (the "Sheik"), the triggering event (something in Morocco), etc., etc. Why do we get all of this information? Am I supposed to start monitoring Moroccan newspapers?
The first story reads like a boring advertisement for the ACLU. The second story reads like a Tom Clancy novel. Any reason why?
-----------------------------------
Incidentally, the second story has an interesting tidbit. Apparently, oil and port facilities (such as the Houston Ship Channel, Beaumont, Port Arthur) were identified as especially vulnerable to terrorist attacks soon after September 11, 2001. Our intrepid Administration's response? "In recent weeks the Homeland Security Department announced about $30 million in grants to upgrade security at port facilities where oil is shipped in Houston and Beaumont." Awesome. Way to cut through that red tape.
23 June 2003
ANOTHER 25 YEARS OF QUIBBLING
... is pretty much what the twin affirmative action decisions handed down by the Supreme Court guarantees. At least there's a countable majority at the moment for some form of affirmative action in higher education (which will disappear when Sandra Day O'Connor retires and is replaced with Ted Olsen).
My reading is: if you consider race in such a subjective way that nobody knows entirely what's happening, you're safe. This is good for graduate schools who have a relatively small group of applicants. When you have to process tens of thousands of applicants, like the undergraduate program, you cannot streamline the process by assigning points (anyone check the "Upper Peninsula" thing?). Therefore, objectively taking race into account gets you shot down.
So the next step in the evolution, as we learned in Texas, is the "piss-poor surrogate" system. This is where you automatically accept the top 10% of each high school graduating class, regardless of consequence. Or, you can have 25,000 undergraduate applicants write a nice sob-story essay about how the parents wouldn't give them a Gucci purse or a high school graduate Expedition. Being assigned in the admissions office to evaluate the "life experience" essays of a bunch of suburban pricks is a sure ticket to drug abuse. Or, you simply subtract 12 points from the applicant if they like the White Stripes, Limp Bikzit, or Lawrence Welk. Take that, whitey!
Postscript: I type this as a somewhat interested party. My alma mater's affirmative action program was eviscerated by Hopwood v. Texas. Given (1) Texas' pretty sweet history with race, (2) the fact that the plaintiffs in that case couldn't even prove that they would have gotten into the school even without the timid affirmative action program (3) that the graduate programs at the Unveristy were basically Cloroxed overnight (because talented mionrity applicants went elsewhere)--- I would hope that the issue is revisited, but have no confidence that it will be.
... is pretty much what the twin affirmative action decisions handed down by the Supreme Court guarantees. At least there's a countable majority at the moment for some form of affirmative action in higher education (which will disappear when Sandra Day O'Connor retires and is replaced with Ted Olsen).
My reading is: if you consider race in such a subjective way that nobody knows entirely what's happening, you're safe. This is good for graduate schools who have a relatively small group of applicants. When you have to process tens of thousands of applicants, like the undergraduate program, you cannot streamline the process by assigning points (anyone check the "Upper Peninsula" thing?). Therefore, objectively taking race into account gets you shot down.
So the next step in the evolution, as we learned in Texas, is the "piss-poor surrogate" system. This is where you automatically accept the top 10% of each high school graduating class, regardless of consequence. Or, you can have 25,000 undergraduate applicants write a nice sob-story essay about how the parents wouldn't give them a Gucci purse or a high school graduate Expedition. Being assigned in the admissions office to evaluate the "life experience" essays of a bunch of suburban pricks is a sure ticket to drug abuse. Or, you simply subtract 12 points from the applicant if they like the White Stripes, Limp Bikzit, or Lawrence Welk. Take that, whitey!
Postscript: I type this as a somewhat interested party. My alma mater's affirmative action program was eviscerated by Hopwood v. Texas. Given (1) Texas' pretty sweet history with race, (2) the fact that the plaintiffs in that case couldn't even prove that they would have gotten into the school even without the timid affirmative action program (3) that the graduate programs at the Unveristy were basically Cloroxed overnight (because talented mionrity applicants went elsewhere)--- I would hope that the issue is revisited, but have no confidence that it will be.
19 June 2003
AUDI 5000
Sorry for the light posting, but I'm out of commission until next Monday. In the interim, I think I'm contributing to some sort of international team blog (mentioned below) called Slumbering Pierrot, which is set for launch next Monday. The component individuals are from far-flung places and are sure to bring interesting world flavor to the table. It's hosted by Glenn, with contributions by Alex(ei), Jivha, Jon, and Micah. Check them all out over the weekend, and keep reading up on Afghanistan-- a place where our credibility is being sorely tested on a daily basis.
Sorry for the light posting, but I'm out of commission until next Monday. In the interim, I think I'm contributing to some sort of international team blog (mentioned below) called Slumbering Pierrot, which is set for launch next Monday. The component individuals are from far-flung places and are sure to bring interesting world flavor to the table. It's hosted by Glenn, with contributions by Alex(ei), Jivha, Jon, and Micah. Check them all out over the weekend, and keep reading up on Afghanistan-- a place where our credibility is being sorely tested on a daily basis.
(SOME) WORDS FAIL ME
Via cartoonist-turned-blogger Tom Tomorrow, a bleak, Platoon-like look at a soldier's life in Iraq after "Mission: Accomplished".
"There's a picture of the World Trade Centre hanging up by my bed and I keep one in my flak jacket. Every time I feel sorry for these people I look at that. I think, 'They hit us at home and, now, it's our turn.' I don't want to say payback but, you know, it's pretty much payback."
Oh, and by the way, how does a 10 year occupation costing a half-trillion dollars sound? Any foreseeable problems there?
Via cartoonist-turned-blogger Tom Tomorrow, a bleak, Platoon-like look at a soldier's life in Iraq after "Mission: Accomplished".
"There's a picture of the World Trade Centre hanging up by my bed and I keep one in my flak jacket. Every time I feel sorry for these people I look at that. I think, 'They hit us at home and, now, it's our turn.' I don't want to say payback but, you know, it's pretty much payback."
Oh, and by the way, how does a 10 year occupation costing a half-trillion dollars sound? Any foreseeable problems there?
18 June 2003
TAL-I-BAN?!? WHAT SORT OF CRAZY, MADE-UP WORD IS THAT?
I am told by the mystic elders of the underground records archive that we invaded some country called Afghanistan in the Fall of 2001. Their ruling party at the time was called the Taliban (although that sounds like some sort of 'Thundercats' villain), and they apparently didn't treat women, dissidents, or non-Muslims very well. And there was something about their helping to fund and train al-Qaeda (pronounced 'Al Ki-duh', I'm told), whom we suspect may have blown up several important buildings (although we won't know for sure until the 9/11 Committee report is declassified).
There was an intervening episode of busting up bunkers and cutting daisies, although I'm unsure what gardening has to do with military actions. Some communist sympathizer named Seymour Hersh (is that an alias or something?) said that Pakistani intelligence airlifted most of the guys out of Afghanistan before the shit got heavy. Something about warlords (not the Atari game) fighting, opium production way up, anarchy outside of the capital city of Kabul ('kah-bool'), foreign aid workers getting blown up.... it's all a dizzying mess, and I don't blame the American people one bit for not asking any sort of follow up questions.
However, I assume that some of you have got some sort of pathology that makes you follow up on things. Since you may not follow up on my invitation to move to Canada or the Disputed Territories of Norbiztania, I'll help you out with a few links:
(1) Taliban Warn of Suicide Attacks on Foreign Troops 6/16/03, Reuters. This just sounds like sour grapes to me. I think those Taliban muhjadeen should take their ass-whoopin' with a little more grace and dignity.
(2) Musharraf may seek payoffs from US; Indian Express, today. Yes, that is actually the name of the prime minister of Pakistan. This greedy little bastard doesn't think it's enough that we ignore his intelligence service's role in supporting al-Qaeda or his nukes or the reinstatement of radical Islamic law in some of his provinces. NOW he wants money to round up the Taliban? Well, I stand with Ari Fleischer on this one (before he was laughed out of the room): to suggest that world leaders are influenced by monetary payouts cannot be countenanced.
(3) Heavy Hand of US Fans Taliban Embers; Guardian UK, today. I don't like the bad metaphors, and I don't like objectively pro-Taliban reporters! This article even goes so far as to suggest there's a town called 'Khost'. I mean, whatever, old bean.
(4) US turns to the Taliban: Asia Times, June 14, 2003. Well, you can see right away how this would be false. If you remember my fuzzily reconstructed rundown, I think we fought these guys. Therefore, I encourage you, without even the hint of reverse psychology, to not even read this tabloid journalism! It can only rot your mind!
I am told by the mystic elders of the underground records archive that we invaded some country called Afghanistan in the Fall of 2001. Their ruling party at the time was called the Taliban (although that sounds like some sort of 'Thundercats' villain), and they apparently didn't treat women, dissidents, or non-Muslims very well. And there was something about their helping to fund and train al-Qaeda (pronounced 'Al Ki-duh', I'm told), whom we suspect may have blown up several important buildings (although we won't know for sure until the 9/11 Committee report is declassified).
There was an intervening episode of busting up bunkers and cutting daisies, although I'm unsure what gardening has to do with military actions. Some communist sympathizer named Seymour Hersh (is that an alias or something?) said that Pakistani intelligence airlifted most of the guys out of Afghanistan before the shit got heavy. Something about warlords (not the Atari game) fighting, opium production way up, anarchy outside of the capital city of Kabul ('kah-bool'), foreign aid workers getting blown up.... it's all a dizzying mess, and I don't blame the American people one bit for not asking any sort of follow up questions.
However, I assume that some of you have got some sort of pathology that makes you follow up on things. Since you may not follow up on my invitation to move to Canada or the Disputed Territories of Norbiztania, I'll help you out with a few links:
(1) Taliban Warn of Suicide Attacks on Foreign Troops 6/16/03, Reuters. This just sounds like sour grapes to me. I think those Taliban muhjadeen should take their ass-whoopin' with a little more grace and dignity.
(2) Musharraf may seek payoffs from US; Indian Express, today. Yes, that is actually the name of the prime minister of Pakistan. This greedy little bastard doesn't think it's enough that we ignore his intelligence service's role in supporting al-Qaeda or his nukes or the reinstatement of radical Islamic law in some of his provinces. NOW he wants money to round up the Taliban? Well, I stand with Ari Fleischer on this one (before he was laughed out of the room): to suggest that world leaders are influenced by monetary payouts cannot be countenanced.
(3) Heavy Hand of US Fans Taliban Embers; Guardian UK, today. I don't like the bad metaphors, and I don't like objectively pro-Taliban reporters! This article even goes so far as to suggest there's a town called 'Khost'. I mean, whatever, old bean.
(4) US turns to the Taliban: Asia Times, June 14, 2003. Well, you can see right away how this would be false. If you remember my fuzzily reconstructed rundown, I think we fought these guys. Therefore, I encourage you, without even the hint of reverse psychology, to not even read this tabloid journalism! It can only rot your mind!
17 June 2003
THIRD VOTE: BLOGOSPHERIC FIBER
Finally, another team blog that seems to cover most every topic under the sun: Metajournalism. Their entry has to do with the drive towards private prisons, which should be required reading for everyone, especially as every single state in the Union seems to be facing a budget crisis. The warehousing of non-violent criminals in America is a serious, ongoing problem.
Finally, another team blog that seems to cover most every topic under the sun: Metajournalism. Their entry has to do with the drive towards private prisons, which should be required reading for everyone, especially as every single state in the Union seems to be facing a budget crisis. The warehousing of non-violent criminals in America is a serious, ongoing problem.
SECOND VOTE: INCESTUOUS SELF-PROMOTION
Our buddy Glenn (aka Michael Clarke Duncan, aka "Hi, I'm Black!) also has fiddled with the Showcase technicalities to submit a post about Bret Boone being a roided-up freak. It pretty much speaks for itself.
On a related note, Glenn is ambitiously embarking on a team blog called "Slumbering Pierrot" (don't ask me to explain it), but has sabotaged his own effort by asking me to contribute. I seriously doubt the Kingpin would have made so grievous an error.
Our buddy Glenn (aka Michael Clarke Duncan, aka "Hi, I'm Black!) also has fiddled with the Showcase technicalities to submit a post about Bret Boone being a roided-up freak. It pretty much speaks for itself.
On a related note, Glenn is ambitiously embarking on a team blog called "Slumbering Pierrot" (don't ask me to explain it), but has sabotaged his own effort by asking me to contribute. I seriously doubt the Kingpin would have made so grievous an error.
FIRST VOTE: INEVITABILITY
There is apparently some loose confederation of trust-fund political science wankers who have an aesthetically pleasing, topical, humorous new weblog that is being immediately noticed by the gods of the blogosphere. Anyone who wants to e-mail me the secret handshake and donate money to buy a crested jacket can do so at your convenience.
Their entry in the New Blog Showcase was entitled "David Sanger Is Leaking Brain Fluid" or something. I read the column in question, and couldn't decide whether Sanger is a political columnist, a society page item contributor, a brilliant satirist, or a hopeless jackass. It has something to do with President Sock Puppet being forced to vacation in Kennebunkport.
I posted a comment on their deconstruction, which borrows heavily from the greatest political sketch in Saturday Night Live's history: Phil Hartman portraying Reagan as a master of every tiny detail of his administration, while intermittently playing it goofy for the public.
There is apparently some loose confederation of trust-fund political science wankers who have an aesthetically pleasing, topical, humorous new weblog that is being immediately noticed by the gods of the blogosphere. Anyone who wants to e-mail me the secret handshake and donate money to buy a crested jacket can do so at your convenience.
Their entry in the New Blog Showcase was entitled "David Sanger Is Leaking Brain Fluid" or something. I read the column in question, and couldn't decide whether Sanger is a political columnist, a society page item contributor, a brilliant satirist, or a hopeless jackass. It has something to do with President Sock Puppet being forced to vacation in Kennebunkport.
I posted a comment on their deconstruction, which borrows heavily from the greatest political sketch in Saturday Night Live's history: Phil Hartman portraying Reagan as a master of every tiny detail of his administration, while intermittently playing it goofy for the public.
16 June 2003
DUDE, WHERE'S MY SOLUTION TO THE PALESTINIAN CRISIS?
Not here, I'm afraid. As an aside, I spent several months in London back in the day, during which time there were a few IRA bombs detonated. What surprised me was how matter-of-factly the Londoners seemed to accept this situation; then again, Northern Ireland was across a small sea, not in Oxford.
I've always maintained that the Israelis' original real estate agent should have been stripped of his license and forced to write "Location, Location, Location" 35,000 times on a large blackboard. What has followed in the last 55 years has been a rather intractable series of crises that has garned more attention from pundits than all black-on-black African crises combined (South Africa is excluded because of 'Lethal Weapon II'), and about 10,000 times the coverage of Chechnya.
Worse still, it seems that every smarmy, helmet-haired douchebag on American television has a glib solution or run-down of the situation; one that invariably never mentions the sentiments of the ordinary Israeli citizen. Are they more pragmatic than our American columnists, like Cal "Like Invoking Auschwitz Is Going To Do Any Good" Thomas?
As it should become readily apparent, I have no idea. In this delicate area, I just report the results: for instance, 58% of Israelis opposed the idea of reprisals against Hamas by Ariel Sharon, even after the last terrorist bus explosion (in order to give the new Palestinian leader more time, it seems). I only wish the linked article had had more in the way of detailed responses from those seemingly forgotten people who have to live in a sea of violence every day.
Not here, I'm afraid. As an aside, I spent several months in London back in the day, during which time there were a few IRA bombs detonated. What surprised me was how matter-of-factly the Londoners seemed to accept this situation; then again, Northern Ireland was across a small sea, not in Oxford.
I've always maintained that the Israelis' original real estate agent should have been stripped of his license and forced to write "Location, Location, Location" 35,000 times on a large blackboard. What has followed in the last 55 years has been a rather intractable series of crises that has garned more attention from pundits than all black-on-black African crises combined (South Africa is excluded because of 'Lethal Weapon II'), and about 10,000 times the coverage of Chechnya.
Worse still, it seems that every smarmy, helmet-haired douchebag on American television has a glib solution or run-down of the situation; one that invariably never mentions the sentiments of the ordinary Israeli citizen. Are they more pragmatic than our American columnists, like Cal "Like Invoking Auschwitz Is Going To Do Any Good" Thomas?
As it should become readily apparent, I have no idea. In this delicate area, I just report the results: for instance, 58% of Israelis opposed the idea of reprisals against Hamas by Ariel Sharon, even after the last terrorist bus explosion (in order to give the new Palestinian leader more time, it seems). I only wish the linked article had had more in the way of detailed responses from those seemingly forgotten people who have to live in a sea of violence every day.
WONDERFUL, WONDERFUL TECHNICALITIES
Because of my utterly anemic showing in the previous New Blogger Showcase, I have been graciously allowed by the Great Ursine God to re-submit a post. Checking through the posts that have already been submitted, it's obvious that my entry is of markedly inferior quality, and right thinking person wouldn't piss on it if it were on fire.
But, of course, that doesn't matter. It's all about connivance, gratuitous insertion (no, not THAT gratuitous insertion), sucking up, and other Machiavellian tricks. So, anyone who wants to play the game can link to my post on the smoking ban in Austin. God have mercy on your souls.
Because of my utterly anemic showing in the previous New Blogger Showcase, I have been graciously allowed by the Great Ursine God to re-submit a post. Checking through the posts that have already been submitted, it's obvious that my entry is of markedly inferior quality, and right thinking person wouldn't piss on it if it were on fire.
But, of course, that doesn't matter. It's all about connivance, gratuitous insertion (no, not THAT gratuitous insertion), sucking up, and other Machiavellian tricks. So, anyone who wants to play the game can link to my post on the smoking ban in Austin. God have mercy on your souls.
THE DISPUTED TERRITORIES OF NORBIZTANIA UBER ALLES
I finally found a country I can live with when somebody invites me to leave the country. Some sort of weird mix of Nigeria, Jamaica, Cambodia circa 1976, Gilded Age America, and Japan-imation. How could you not love a country whose motto is "Don't Bogart That Joint, Asshole"?
In any event, nation-building is fun. The rest of Micronesia and Oceania are shaking in their boots.
I finally found a country I can live with when somebody invites me to leave the country. Some sort of weird mix of Nigeria, Jamaica, Cambodia circa 1976, Gilded Age America, and Japan-imation. How could you not love a country whose motto is "Don't Bogart That Joint, Asshole"?
In any event, nation-building is fun. The rest of Micronesia and Oceania are shaking in their boots.
15 June 2003
ON A LIGHTER NOTE... THE DEATH PENALTY
In the paper today... it seems that, in judicial arenas with rational sentencing schemes, such as in federal criminal trials, the poor death penalty sentence is being ignored in favor of a cowardly, simpering life sentence. I don't know whether federal prosecutors are overreaching in trying to apply the death penalty, or that doubts about the practical application of state-sponsored death (100 death row inmates being released, DNA projects, state-sponsored moratoria, etc.)
I am personally more than willing to categorically oppose the death penalty in all cases, but that's neither here nor there. I am happy to see that people are beginning to do so on practical grounds, and that one of the cases in the above article occurred in Texas. We here in the Lone Star State have a uniquely effectively plug-your-ears and cover-your-eyes policy on rational intermediate measures, such as a temporary moratorium or giving a criminal jury the life-without-parole option. Any attempts at reform died unceremonious deaths in Committee this year:
(1) HB 127: trying to raise the age limit for applying the death penalty from 17 to 18. We prefer to keep those Third World nations company.
(2) HB 357: trying to create a commission to study the application of the death penalty, including issues of ineffective assistance of counsel, sufficiency of appeals, and (gasp) whether innocent people may have been executed or slated for execution.
(3) HB 590: In a sickening slap to the face of victim's families, trying to introduce the concept of life with parole (in Texas' famous country club prisons) into the sentencing menu.
(4) HB 614: forbidding the execution of a defendant with mental retardation. This appeared to have bi-partisan support, but may have died because of the Supreme Court's pronouncement on the matter. Supreme Courts change, however.
(5) House Joint Resolution 6: I'm not sure of the procedure on this, but would have introduced a constitutional amendment forbidding death penalty sentences involving defendents whose cases were examined by the Houston Police Department crime lab. The HPD people are under severe scrutiny for minor problems, like DNA contamination and bad paperwork (an excellent roundup of the stories is here, thanks to an ongoing investigation by the Houston Chronicle).
Bottom line: while the next of the nation moves forward on re-examining the ultimate sanction, Texas remains steadfastly in the days of Judge Roy Bean.
In the paper today... it seems that, in judicial arenas with rational sentencing schemes, such as in federal criminal trials, the poor death penalty sentence is being ignored in favor of a cowardly, simpering life sentence. I don't know whether federal prosecutors are overreaching in trying to apply the death penalty, or that doubts about the practical application of state-sponsored death (100 death row inmates being released, DNA projects, state-sponsored moratoria, etc.)
I am personally more than willing to categorically oppose the death penalty in all cases, but that's neither here nor there. I am happy to see that people are beginning to do so on practical grounds, and that one of the cases in the above article occurred in Texas. We here in the Lone Star State have a uniquely effectively plug-your-ears and cover-your-eyes policy on rational intermediate measures, such as a temporary moratorium or giving a criminal jury the life-without-parole option. Any attempts at reform died unceremonious deaths in Committee this year:
(1) HB 127: trying to raise the age limit for applying the death penalty from 17 to 18. We prefer to keep those Third World nations company.
(2) HB 357: trying to create a commission to study the application of the death penalty, including issues of ineffective assistance of counsel, sufficiency of appeals, and (gasp) whether innocent people may have been executed or slated for execution.
(3) HB 590: In a sickening slap to the face of victim's families, trying to introduce the concept of life with parole (in Texas' famous country club prisons) into the sentencing menu.
(4) HB 614: forbidding the execution of a defendant with mental retardation. This appeared to have bi-partisan support, but may have died because of the Supreme Court's pronouncement on the matter. Supreme Courts change, however.
(5) House Joint Resolution 6: I'm not sure of the procedure on this, but would have introduced a constitutional amendment forbidding death penalty sentences involving defendents whose cases were examined by the Houston Police Department crime lab. The HPD people are under severe scrutiny for minor problems, like DNA contamination and bad paperwork (an excellent roundup of the stories is here, thanks to an ongoing investigation by the Houston Chronicle).
Bottom line: while the next of the nation moves forward on re-examining the ultimate sanction, Texas remains steadfastly in the days of Judge Roy Bean.
14 June 2003
RECIPROCITY DAY
For those who have linked to my page or one of my drunken screeds, you now have a link on the right hand side of the page. For those of you still not included, I can only conclude that I would rather listen to the recently released .38 Special boxed set than read your horrific posts (or it's simply an oversight). Cheers!
For those who have linked to my page or one of my drunken screeds, you now have a link on the right hand side of the page. For those of you still not included, I can only conclude that I would rather listen to the recently released .38 Special boxed set than read your horrific posts (or it's simply an oversight). Cheers!
13 June 2003
CONSISTENCY IS THE GREEN GOBLIN OF SOMETHING OR OTHER
Has anyone figured out my placement on the political spectrum yet? Well, every once in a while, an issue comes out of the woodwork that would cause a deeper-thinking person to question their underlying belief system. One of my college friends, an ardent objectivist (but also nature boy) at the time, had to reconcile his feelings concerned the sell-off of Yosemite to Disney with his deep affection for "Atlas Shrugged". Then he turned 21, the age at which the Ayn Rand curse is usually broken.
I don't think I've painted myself into such a corner, but I almost turned libertarian as the debate raged in Austin concerning a smoking ban in bars, which passed recently [in reality, it will not go into effect because the composition of the City Council just changed]. I realize that other states and municipalities have experimented with this, but I don't think any of those places are as dependent on a vibrant live music scene as we are.
In the course of one of my discussions with one of those middle-aged suburbanite anti-smoking fascists (who I presume will be going to Blonde Redhead shows at Emo's and Cannibal Corpse shows at the Back Room now that those venues are smoke-free), I actually said "if there are so many people who want a smoke-free environment, why aren't there any voluntarily smoke-free bars? HUH? Answer me that, you asswipe!" When the issue of bar employee's health came up, I blurted out something about a nanny state, made some analogy to fatty foods, said something about them knowing what they were getting into, cursed again, and went outside to smoke. Until I calmed down, I actually thought about getting some sort of pithy bumper-sticker.
But I really don't want to hear how I should apply these arguments to other things. Let's just chalk up my libertarian fervor to the inventive ways Phillip Morris sneaks added nicotine into my cigarettes.
Has anyone figured out my placement on the political spectrum yet? Well, every once in a while, an issue comes out of the woodwork that would cause a deeper-thinking person to question their underlying belief system. One of my college friends, an ardent objectivist (but also nature boy) at the time, had to reconcile his feelings concerned the sell-off of Yosemite to Disney with his deep affection for "Atlas Shrugged". Then he turned 21, the age at which the Ayn Rand curse is usually broken.
I don't think I've painted myself into such a corner, but I almost turned libertarian as the debate raged in Austin concerning a smoking ban in bars, which passed recently [in reality, it will not go into effect because the composition of the City Council just changed]. I realize that other states and municipalities have experimented with this, but I don't think any of those places are as dependent on a vibrant live music scene as we are.
In the course of one of my discussions with one of those middle-aged suburbanite anti-smoking fascists (who I presume will be going to Blonde Redhead shows at Emo's and Cannibal Corpse shows at the Back Room now that those venues are smoke-free), I actually said "if there are so many people who want a smoke-free environment, why aren't there any voluntarily smoke-free bars? HUH? Answer me that, you asswipe!" When the issue of bar employee's health came up, I blurted out something about a nanny state, made some analogy to fatty foods, said something about them knowing what they were getting into, cursed again, and went outside to smoke. Until I calmed down, I actually thought about getting some sort of pithy bumper-sticker.
But I really don't want to hear how I should apply these arguments to other things. Let's just chalk up my libertarian fervor to the inventive ways Phillip Morris sneaks added nicotine into my cigarettes.
I GUESS THERE ARE COMMENTS NOW. BE KIND.
Thanks to Steve at Little Tiny Lies for kicking my ass into gear. If I don't receive any comments initially, I'll assume it's because the thousands of people who daily peruse my site are in complete agreement with my unhinged invective, not because in actuality I'm an insignificant speck swimming in a oppressively dark sea of nothingness. I promise not to inject myself too much into the fray, although I reserve the right to employ section 9 of my master plan, specifically: 'Gratuitously (using pseudonyms) insert yourself into each talkback' in order to feed my delusion of relevance.
Thanks to Steve at Little Tiny Lies for kicking my ass into gear. If I don't receive any comments initially, I'll assume it's because the thousands of people who daily peruse my site are in complete agreement with my unhinged invective, not because in actuality I'm an insignificant speck swimming in a oppressively dark sea of nothingness. I promise not to inject myself too much into the fray, although I reserve the right to employ section 9 of my master plan, specifically: 'Gratuitously (using pseudonyms) insert yourself into each talkback' in order to feed my delusion of relevance.
12 June 2003
CURSE THAT HANDSOME ROGUE!
(a.k.a. 'Like you'd come here before going there')-- Everyone should read Josh Marshall's recent post that should effectively put an end to 'well, Democrats said Saddam had WMDs' bullshit non-argument. I'll have some additional thoughts on this later using President Bush's Iraq Madness kickoff speech in Cincinnati way back in October 2002. Remember: wars are usually fought on the principles of national security. In order to get all of the talking heads in the media to talk about Iraq non-stop at about the one-year anniversary of 9/11, the case had to be made that Iraq, in its present iteration, constituted a national security threat to the United States. More to come...
(a.k.a. 'Like you'd come here before going there')-- Everyone should read Josh Marshall's recent post that should effectively put an end to 'well, Democrats said Saddam had WMDs' bullshit non-argument. I'll have some additional thoughts on this later using President Bush's Iraq Madness kickoff speech in Cincinnati way back in October 2002. Remember: wars are usually fought on the principles of national security. In order to get all of the talking heads in the media to talk about Iraq non-stop at about the one-year anniversary of 9/11, the case had to be made that Iraq, in its present iteration, constituted a national security threat to the United States. More to come...
SUNSET ME? NO, I'M SUNSETTING YOU!
Well, it's time to go way, way back in time and revisit Patriot Act II. I realize it was only leaked in February 2003, but I'm calling on all blog readers to undertake the monumental task of going back 4 months in time. The original report on the subject was done by the Center for Public Integrity. This becomes important as Attorney General Ashcroft defiantly shouted down Congress with a list of non-negotiable demands in a hearing ostenisbly convened to determine what parts of Patriot Act I should be sunsetted in 2005.
(1) You may or may not remember that Section 201 of proposed Patriot Act II was entitled "Prohibition of Discloure of Terrorism Investigation Detainee Information". Can anyone think of a recently released report that such a provision might apply to? Further, can anyone correctly identify the number of people charged with a terrorism-related crime of the 762 people studied in the Inspector General's report? Hint: it's the number of hits the Yankees got off of Roy Oswalt, Peter Munro, Kirk Saarloos, Brad Lidge, Octavio Dotel, and Billy Wagner last night.
(2) During the hearing, the AG averred that "the Patriot Act has several weaknesses which terrorists could exploit undermining our defenses", moments after declaring the initial Act a success by virtue of no further attacks since 9/11/01. Every once in awhile, we non-Justice Department types like to hear what are called facts... or even decently constructed hypothetical situations. What weaknesses? What type of attack? What sort of investigation? The Justice Department has produced a handful of indictments and convictions in Detroit and Buffalo, and the fate of the 20th hijacker and Padilla remains uncertain because of indefinite detention and delayed hearings.
(3) One of the most noxious provisions of Patriot Act II was Section 501 ("Expatriation of Terrorists"). This section created a presumption that an American citizen renounced his/her citizenship when providing "material support" to a "terrorist organization". Surprise! Ashcroft wants to expand the definition of material support, thereby complicating the already circular group of definitions in Patriot Act I.
(3a) To all of the "oh, the Administration knows a terrorist group when they see it" crowd, do you really want to wait to challenge the law when Attorney General Shrillary Clinton starts stripping NRA members of citizenship, or starts boxing up pro-Eric Rudolph locals in South Carolina to be sent to Cuba? If you wait till then, I'll send you a "go f*ck yourself" postcard from Vancouver.
(4) In the end, none of the above points will matter if Ashcroft gets his wish to make more of these terrorism offenses punishable by life in prison or the death penalty (also a provision in Patriot Act II). Given the country's success in eliminating crimes such as murder through such deterrents, there is no doubt the War on Terror is going to be won before the next Administration comes into office.
So what's the end result? "OK, we won't ask for any new unconstitutional powers, but in return you've got to leave the old Act in place and get those pesky appeals courts to lie down." Until somebody can demonstrate how the Patriot Act I and its multifarious provisions were responsible for catching a few dipshits who went to Terrorist Spring Training in Afghanistan, I'm going to go with my instincts and distrust the Attorney General on this one. Now where's my magic rock that repels tiger attacks in Central Texas?
Well, it's time to go way, way back in time and revisit Patriot Act II. I realize it was only leaked in February 2003, but I'm calling on all blog readers to undertake the monumental task of going back 4 months in time. The original report on the subject was done by the Center for Public Integrity. This becomes important as Attorney General Ashcroft defiantly shouted down Congress with a list of non-negotiable demands in a hearing ostenisbly convened to determine what parts of Patriot Act I should be sunsetted in 2005.
(1) You may or may not remember that Section 201 of proposed Patriot Act II was entitled "Prohibition of Discloure of Terrorism Investigation Detainee Information". Can anyone think of a recently released report that such a provision might apply to? Further, can anyone correctly identify the number of people charged with a terrorism-related crime of the 762 people studied in the Inspector General's report? Hint: it's the number of hits the Yankees got off of Roy Oswalt, Peter Munro, Kirk Saarloos, Brad Lidge, Octavio Dotel, and Billy Wagner last night.
(2) During the hearing, the AG averred that "the Patriot Act has several weaknesses which terrorists could exploit undermining our defenses", moments after declaring the initial Act a success by virtue of no further attacks since 9/11/01. Every once in awhile, we non-Justice Department types like to hear what are called facts... or even decently constructed hypothetical situations. What weaknesses? What type of attack? What sort of investigation? The Justice Department has produced a handful of indictments and convictions in Detroit and Buffalo, and the fate of the 20th hijacker and Padilla remains uncertain because of indefinite detention and delayed hearings.
(3) One of the most noxious provisions of Patriot Act II was Section 501 ("Expatriation of Terrorists"). This section created a presumption that an American citizen renounced his/her citizenship when providing "material support" to a "terrorist organization". Surprise! Ashcroft wants to expand the definition of material support, thereby complicating the already circular group of definitions in Patriot Act I.
(3a) To all of the "oh, the Administration knows a terrorist group when they see it" crowd, do you really want to wait to challenge the law when Attorney General Shrillary Clinton starts stripping NRA members of citizenship, or starts boxing up pro-Eric Rudolph locals in South Carolina to be sent to Cuba? If you wait till then, I'll send you a "go f*ck yourself" postcard from Vancouver.
(4) In the end, none of the above points will matter if Ashcroft gets his wish to make more of these terrorism offenses punishable by life in prison or the death penalty (also a provision in Patriot Act II). Given the country's success in eliminating crimes such as murder through such deterrents, there is no doubt the War on Terror is going to be won before the next Administration comes into office.
So what's the end result? "OK, we won't ask for any new unconstitutional powers, but in return you've got to leave the old Act in place and get those pesky appeals courts to lie down." Until somebody can demonstrate how the Patriot Act I and its multifarious provisions were responsible for catching a few dipshits who went to Terrorist Spring Training in Afghanistan, I'm going to go with my instincts and distrust the Attorney General on this one. Now where's my magic rock that repels tiger attacks in Central Texas?
11 June 2003
THE PANTLOAD VARIATIONS
I tried not to get too worked up about VH-1 or Grand Ole Opry pronouncements about the top 100 something or others. My main beef with the music industry is their wholesale blacklisting of any band with the word "Pantload" in their title. Luckily, Uncle Jeffington, a local contributor to this website, and I have come up with a list of potential cover band names and the genre in which they would operate. They don't call Austin the "Live Music Capital of the World" for nothing:
(1) Washed up Prog Rockers: Anderson, Bruford, Pantload and Howe
(1a) Totally Washed up Prog Rockers: Emerson, Lake and Pantload
(2) Crappy 70s Lite Rock: Pantload and Tennille
(3) Disco Soul: Earth, Wind, and Pantload
(4) Gospel/Country: Tennessee Ernie Pantload and the Adult Undergarments
(5) Butt-rock/Homer Simpson-rock: Grand Funk Pantload
(6) Classic American Rock: The Lovin' Pantload
(7) Pureed Folk Rock for Fat Hippies: The Mamas and the Pantloads
(8) Pseudo-Springstreen Heartland Rock: John Cougar Mellenpantload
(9) Moody Synth Goth Rock: Orchestral Pantloads in the Dark
(10) Mighty Wind Parody: Peter, Paul, and Pantload [too easy]
(11) Post-Punk: Pantload Image Unlimited
(12) Chevy Rock: Bob Seger and the Light Brown Pantload Band
(13) Straight-to-Muzak or Straight-to-Big-Chill Rock: Three Dog Pantload
(14) College Jangle Pop: Life's Rich Pantload
(15) Bloated wuss rock spin-off: Dennis DeYoung presents Dennis DeYoung and Pantload
(16) 80s Poodle Hair Rock: Faster, Pantload! Kill! Kill!
Needless to say, we're not proud of this list and are thankful for our anonymity.
I tried not to get too worked up about VH-1 or Grand Ole Opry pronouncements about the top 100 something or others. My main beef with the music industry is their wholesale blacklisting of any band with the word "Pantload" in their title. Luckily, Uncle Jeffington, a local contributor to this website, and I have come up with a list of potential cover band names and the genre in which they would operate. They don't call Austin the "Live Music Capital of the World" for nothing:
(1) Washed up Prog Rockers: Anderson, Bruford, Pantload and Howe
(1a) Totally Washed up Prog Rockers: Emerson, Lake and Pantload
(2) Crappy 70s Lite Rock: Pantload and Tennille
(3) Disco Soul: Earth, Wind, and Pantload
(4) Gospel/Country: Tennessee Ernie Pantload and the Adult Undergarments
(5) Butt-rock/Homer Simpson-rock: Grand Funk Pantload
(6) Classic American Rock: The Lovin' Pantload
(7) Pureed Folk Rock for Fat Hippies: The Mamas and the Pantloads
(8) Pseudo-Springstreen Heartland Rock: John Cougar Mellenpantload
(9) Moody Synth Goth Rock: Orchestral Pantloads in the Dark
(10) Mighty Wind Parody: Peter, Paul, and Pantload [too easy]
(11) Post-Punk: Pantload Image Unlimited
(12) Chevy Rock: Bob Seger and the Light Brown Pantload Band
(13) Straight-to-Muzak or Straight-to-Big-Chill Rock: Three Dog Pantload
(14) College Jangle Pop: Life's Rich Pantload
(15) Bloated wuss rock spin-off: Dennis DeYoung presents Dennis DeYoung and Pantload
(16) 80s Poodle Hair Rock: Faster, Pantload! Kill! Kill!
Needless to say, we're not proud of this list and are thankful for our anonymity.
BEST OF THE BIRDS
Well, the kinks finally got worked out, so I'm listed in the Truth Laid Bear's Ecosystem, currently as a "Flappy Bird". Of course, I choose Texas' magnificent state bird, the object of Atticus Finch's affection, the mockingbird. I think the quote goes something like this: "The crows eat the corn, the pigeons are flying disease bags, the grackles serve no discernible purpose whatsoever... don't even get me started on buzzards and pileated woodpeckers. But the mockingbird... all it does is sit on the clothesline outside my window and sing, sing, sing while I'm trying to write my goddamned closing statement. It drives me CRAZY! And that's why it's a sin to kill a mockingbird, or at least it's against state law. Forget I said anything, Scout".
Currently, this group includes people with 36-47 links, and represents a wide diversity of viewpoints and subject matter, Here's an abbreviated list, followed by their rank in the ecosystem as of today:
508. Aaron's Baseball Blog: I preferred his prior blog on Pokemon card trading, but if you like the national pasttime (specifically, eye-liquefying stats), go here.
520. James Landrith: Also good to read an actually independent-minded libertarian, not an Administration-apologist what-drug-war-and-civil-rights-abuses crypto-libertarian. Also properly uses the term "tirades" instead of "musings".
551. The Raving Atheist: Now, I'm more of a raving apathetic agnostic, but I appreciate the dissembling of religious nonsense as much as the next guy.
554. Brief Intelligence by Tiger Lily: It's very dense, word-wise, but very well-researched and comes with links sections at the end of each post. In other words, the antithesis of what I'm trying to accomplish here.
558. It's Still the Economy, Stupid: It may be the dismal science, but I'm told by certain highly placed insiders that the economy is important.
570. The Dullest Blog in the World: This title is technically misleading, because it's still 10 times more interesting than Mickey Kaus.
Well, the kinks finally got worked out, so I'm listed in the Truth Laid Bear's Ecosystem, currently as a "Flappy Bird". Of course, I choose Texas' magnificent state bird, the object of Atticus Finch's affection, the mockingbird. I think the quote goes something like this: "The crows eat the corn, the pigeons are flying disease bags, the grackles serve no discernible purpose whatsoever... don't even get me started on buzzards and pileated woodpeckers. But the mockingbird... all it does is sit on the clothesline outside my window and sing, sing, sing while I'm trying to write my goddamned closing statement. It drives me CRAZY! And that's why it's a sin to kill a mockingbird, or at least it's against state law. Forget I said anything, Scout".
Currently, this group includes people with 36-47 links, and represents a wide diversity of viewpoints and subject matter, Here's an abbreviated list, followed by their rank in the ecosystem as of today:
508. Aaron's Baseball Blog: I preferred his prior blog on Pokemon card trading, but if you like the national pasttime (specifically, eye-liquefying stats), go here.
520. James Landrith: Also good to read an actually independent-minded libertarian, not an Administration-apologist what-drug-war-and-civil-rights-abuses crypto-libertarian. Also properly uses the term "tirades" instead of "musings".
551. The Raving Atheist: Now, I'm more of a raving apathetic agnostic, but I appreciate the dissembling of religious nonsense as much as the next guy.
554. Brief Intelligence by Tiger Lily: It's very dense, word-wise, but very well-researched and comes with links sections at the end of each post. In other words, the antithesis of what I'm trying to accomplish here.
558. It's Still the Economy, Stupid: It may be the dismal science, but I'm told by certain highly placed insiders that the economy is important.
570. The Dullest Blog in the World: This title is technically misleading, because it's still 10 times more interesting than Mickey Kaus.
10 June 2003
BUDGET TIMELINE: THE ABBREIVATED VERSION
May 2000: President Clinton makes a $216 billion payment on the national debt (the principal, that is).
President Bush, March 2001: 'Even if the slowdown were to turn into a recession similar to that of 1990 and '91, the Congressional Budget Office projects that the 10-year surplus would shrink by only 2 percent, from a little more than $5.6 trillion to a little less than $5.5 trillion.' As for that pesky debt, he comments here: 'And we can also pay down debt. I know a lot of folks around America are worried about national debt, as am I. We pay down $2 trillion of debt over the next 10 years.'
November 2001: After OMB Director Mitch Daniels says 'whoops, I mean deficits until 2005', Ari Fleischer explains that all we really need to do is pass the stimulus package.
July 2002: Oh, I'm sorry. It's up to $165 billion now. I'm pretty sure we can pin this on the vaunted trifecta, maybe throw in a "DAMN YOUR EYES" for Kenneth Lay.
March 2003: OK, we can't officially blame the costs associated with the Iraq War yet. However, the deficit will be $287 billion for 2003 and $338 billion for 2004. And as for paying down $2 trillion in debt over the next 10 years, we meant ADD $2 trillion. Your White House transcripts will be thusly altered.
May 31, 2003: Democratic budget analysis (backed up by a former Bush Administration economist, of all people) predicts further doom-- $416 billion deficit for 2003, $489 billion for 2004. Fucking awesome! That is bold beyond bold, a sort of daring boldness only detectible in the ultraviolet spectrum!
To give you an idea of the Bush Administration's brief and lamentable history in balancing the nation's checkbook, that's a bottom-line swing of $9,000,000,000,000 in accumulated debt over a 10-year period. Divided by 290 million people in America, every man, woman and child is looking at financing a debt of approximately $32,000 with no hope of currently paying down the principal. Can somebody please invent a curse word for me to use here?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE: Today, the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office, after scouring the numbers and carrying all the billions, confirms that we're screwed. I am really not fond of servicing my own college loans, and I don't think I like the idea of assisting this incompetent Administration in servicing something approximately its size in the name of EVERY SINGLE AMERICAN.
May 2000: President Clinton makes a $216 billion payment on the national debt (the principal, that is).
President Bush, March 2001: 'Even if the slowdown were to turn into a recession similar to that of 1990 and '91, the Congressional Budget Office projects that the 10-year surplus would shrink by only 2 percent, from a little more than $5.6 trillion to a little less than $5.5 trillion.' As for that pesky debt, he comments here: 'And we can also pay down debt. I know a lot of folks around America are worried about national debt, as am I. We pay down $2 trillion of debt over the next 10 years.'
November 2001: After OMB Director Mitch Daniels says 'whoops, I mean deficits until 2005', Ari Fleischer explains that all we really need to do is pass the stimulus package.
July 2002: Oh, I'm sorry. It's up to $165 billion now. I'm pretty sure we can pin this on the vaunted trifecta, maybe throw in a "DAMN YOUR EYES" for Kenneth Lay.
March 2003: OK, we can't officially blame the costs associated with the Iraq War yet. However, the deficit will be $287 billion for 2003 and $338 billion for 2004. And as for paying down $2 trillion in debt over the next 10 years, we meant ADD $2 trillion. Your White House transcripts will be thusly altered.
May 31, 2003: Democratic budget analysis (backed up by a former Bush Administration economist, of all people) predicts further doom-- $416 billion deficit for 2003, $489 billion for 2004. Fucking awesome! That is bold beyond bold, a sort of daring boldness only detectible in the ultraviolet spectrum!
To give you an idea of the Bush Administration's brief and lamentable history in balancing the nation's checkbook, that's a bottom-line swing of $9,000,000,000,000 in accumulated debt over a 10-year period. Divided by 290 million people in America, every man, woman and child is looking at financing a debt of approximately $32,000 with no hope of currently paying down the principal. Can somebody please invent a curse word for me to use here?
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE: Today, the non-partisan Congressional Budget Office, after scouring the numbers and carrying all the billions, confirms that we're screwed. I am really not fond of servicing my own college loans, and I don't think I like the idea of assisting this incompetent Administration in servicing something approximately its size in the name of EVERY SINGLE AMERICAN.
START READING FROM THIS SCRIPT
Do you think that we could possibly get a 2004 Democratic candidate to read from this speech by Sen. Jeffords? On subject after subject (weapons of mass destruction, job losses, the inability of the tax cuts to help the middle and lower-middle classes, deficits (on the national and state levels), education, the environment), it highlights the important differences between Sock Puppet Bush and Policy Maker Bush.
I realize that he doesn't discuss high-profile murder case, airport haircuts, full-service interns, diseased prairie dogs, indictments of domestic goddesses/fascists, abducted children, stun guns, or corked bats, but do you think that perhaps the topics in his Press Club speech could get some play?
Do you think that we could possibly get a 2004 Democratic candidate to read from this speech by Sen. Jeffords? On subject after subject (weapons of mass destruction, job losses, the inability of the tax cuts to help the middle and lower-middle classes, deficits (on the national and state levels), education, the environment), it highlights the important differences between Sock Puppet Bush and Policy Maker Bush.
I realize that he doesn't discuss high-profile murder case, airport haircuts, full-service interns, diseased prairie dogs, indictments of domestic goddesses/fascists, abducted children, stun guns, or corked bats, but do you think that perhaps the topics in his Press Club speech could get some play?
HISTORICALLY INFALLIBLE MOVIES
Archaeologists have announced that they have probably discovered the remains of Queen Nefretiti, in Jackson, Mississippi no less! (just kidding). Using space-age reconstructive technology, they have developed a computer-generated image of her legendary face.
Oh wait, that's Anne Baxter from 'The Ten Commandments'. I am put in mind of Vincent D'Onofrio (using the voice of Maurice LaMarche) as Orson Welles in Tim Burton's 'Ed Wood': "You think that's bad... they want me to cast Charlton Heston as a Mexican."
Archaeologists have announced that they have probably discovered the remains of Queen Nefretiti, in Jackson, Mississippi no less! (just kidding). Using space-age reconstructive technology, they have developed a computer-generated image of her legendary face.
Oh wait, that's Anne Baxter from 'The Ten Commandments'. I am put in mind of Vincent D'Onofrio (using the voice of Maurice LaMarche) as Orson Welles in Tim Burton's 'Ed Wood': "You think that's bad... they want me to cast Charlton Heston as a Mexican."
09 June 2003
THAT'S LOCAL CONTROL FOR YOU
In my masochist desire to scour the Texas legislature's incomparable archives of asinine bills that passed this last session, some things just leap out of you. Senate Bill 501, though seemingly innocuous, would in essence repeal local prohibitions against carrying concealed weapons into municipal facilities, such as parks, libraries, and police stations. I don't know, but this reminds me of a scene out of 'The Terminator', or maybe 'Menace II Society'. Predictably, bed-wetting anti-gun zealots in local government, such as the chief of police in Houston are becoming hysterical about this development.
Needless to say, I'm being entirely unfair to those decent citizens who have become licensed and safely carry around their concealed weapons. You have to admit, however, that the comedic value of this legislation far outpaces the substantive debate:
City of Abilene Public Library: "What do you mean, you just checked out the last copy of 'The Turner Diaries'? (slams .38 loudly down on checkout desk) How about NOW?"
City of Houston Zoning Board: "What do you mean, I can't put my gentleman's club next to a halfway house for sex offenders? (slams .38 loudly down on speaker's podium) How about NOW?"
Zilker Park, Austin: "(slams .38 loudly down on picnic table) You call THIS potato salad?"
In my masochist desire to scour the Texas legislature's incomparable archives of asinine bills that passed this last session, some things just leap out of you. Senate Bill 501, though seemingly innocuous, would in essence repeal local prohibitions against carrying concealed weapons into municipal facilities, such as parks, libraries, and police stations. I don't know, but this reminds me of a scene out of 'The Terminator', or maybe 'Menace II Society'. Predictably, bed-wetting anti-gun zealots in local government, such as the chief of police in Houston are becoming hysterical about this development.
Needless to say, I'm being entirely unfair to those decent citizens who have become licensed and safely carry around their concealed weapons. You have to admit, however, that the comedic value of this legislation far outpaces the substantive debate:
City of Abilene Public Library: "What do you mean, you just checked out the last copy of 'The Turner Diaries'? (slams .38 loudly down on checkout desk) How about NOW?"
City of Houston Zoning Board: "What do you mean, I can't put my gentleman's club next to a halfway house for sex offenders? (slams .38 loudly down on speaker's podium) How about NOW?"
Zilker Park, Austin: "(slams .38 loudly down on picnic table) You call THIS potato salad?"
