HAPPY FURRY PUPPY STORY TIME WITH NORBIZNESS, version 2.0

NOW GET ON THE ABDOMINATOR WHILE I SHOUT SLOGANS AT YOU

I have a feeling we could all use a little distraction, given the events of the day. Here's my lame attempt...

Perhaps it's just me, but seeing clips of Arnold Schwarzenegger's upcoming television ads was a deeply moving, deeply sublime experience. I half-expected him to actually address the camera without a thick Austrian accent for the first time... but then remembered that he's the Sean Connery (Scottish-Russian submarine captain) of Teutonic crossover (Austrian-American kindergarten cop, helicopter pilot, spy, eraser, commando... as well as an Austrian-Russian city cop in the unforgettable "Red Heat"). The text of the advertisement is here. If you have a link to the video, please put it in the comments.

Something about seeing/hearing the star of The Last Action Hero utter "tremendous disconnect", "forefront of innovation", and "fiscally responsible" is funny to me on too many levels. I, of course, prefer "let off some steam, Bennett", "I eat Green Berets for breakfast", and "don't disturb my friend, he's dead tired."
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UPDATE: How about this for a ad script? "The politicians in Sacramento have not been telling you True Lies and giving you a Raw Deal. Therefore, on this, the 6th Day, I have taken taken advantage of the Total Recall to become The Running Man. The other politicians are like a Predator, exacting Collateral Damage on the populace, while I am a Commando who must Stay Hungry to capture the governor's seat. I will take an Eraser to the state budget, or else this will be the End of Days-- or at the very least, Judgment Day. Maria, my mighty heart is breaking. I'll be in the Humvee." Sorry, Conan the Destroyer and Jingle All the Way can't be wormed in there, no matter how hard I try.

WITH A KNOTTED STOMACH IN TOW....

This is my first time to publicly call out and de-list somebody on the blogroll, and I hope that I'm doing it with an appropriate level of reflection and without ulterior motives. If you scroll down my pithy descriptions on your immediate right, you can see that I have at least a nominal range of political thought represented, and I try to read them all on a regular basis, regardless of how much I disagree with some of their posts (which I usually try to tactfully express in their respect comments).

Some things, however, are beyond the pale, especially when I am left to wonder what could lead to a basic absence of humanity, wit, or understanding. Example 1. Example 2.

Of course, this will invariably lead to counter-examples regarding posts on other weblogs to whom I continue to link, and I hope that I can at least subjectively maintain a lack of hypocrisy here (but I'm doubtful that I can). In addition, if I ever exhibit warning signs of posting something like the two things linked above, let me know, and I'll quit the weblog "business" without a second thought.
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UPDATE: So that there's no misunderstanding, I don't believe that the creator of that site has a lack of humanity or wit generally, and I share in/sympathize with his outrage over the recent murders in Israel. However, I stand by my belief that, at the very least, Example 1 cited above (variants of which, unfortunately, have become pandemic on hyperbolic sites that I never linked to to begin with) is beyond the pale.

FOR THE BEST IN RETINAL SEARING-- UPCOMING MOVIES

I have taken the following tidbits from the indispensable Weekly Recap. If you want to know which actors and directors are attached to the following tripe-filled plot summaries and factoids, you'll have to visit Ain't It Cool News.

1. "…about a group of scuba divers who uncover the sunken wreckage of a plane that contains missing cocaine. The divers then find themselves involved with a dangerous drug lord." [In other words, it's just like A Simple Plan crossed with Blow, but with exciting CGI-generated barracudas and that one guy who always plays the Latin American drug lord.]

2. "…the tale of Lancing, a government agent-turned-survivalist from Northern Alaska who works on a wildlife refuge and sponsors a young girl named Irina in the international foster program. Lancing uncovers that the foster program is really a human trafficking operation, disguised as Irina's orphanage." [OK, OK, it's a Steven Seagal movie. Too easy. Glad to see he's still inexplicably getting work]

3. "…to be written by (x) (SANTA CLAUSE 2, JUMANJI 2, AGENT CODY BANKS 2)." [Sounds like this crap-mongering writer has found his niche!]

4. "…the story centers on the sibling rivalry between an irresponsible and sometimes-employed party girl and her older sister, an ambitious attorney. The two move in together and ultimately find a connection they never thought was there." [Did NOT see that one coming.]

5. "Chris Kattan is attached to star in… written by (x). It's about a young man neglected by his parents. Through the teachings of his Mexican nanny -- who is obsessed with soap operas and swashbucklers -- he comes to believe that he is the modern-day Don Juan searching for his one and only true love." [The first seven words in this blurb should have scared away any semblance of financial backing, but here it is.]

6. "…have tapped writer/producer (x) to script the remake of BYE BYE BIRDIE for newcomer (x) to direct. The new treatment for the pic uses a contemporary setting with an urban, hip-hop feel." [Does somebody bust a cap in Paul Lynde's character's ass in this one? By the way, "urban, hip-hop feel" is code for rotisserie chicken-eating writers from suburbia cannibalizing WB sitcoms.]

7. "When all the workers disappear, police sent in to investigate realize the missing have been absorbed by the walls and then released in a horrifically mutated form." [Sherwin Williams vs. Freddy: A New Nightmare?]

8. "It's a wish-fulfillment adventure set in the world of monster trucks. The pic is described as being in the vein of SPY KIDS meets HERBIE, THE LOVE BUG as the truck -- though it is non-speaking -- has its own distinct personality." [Well, Herbie was non-speaking, if I remember correctly. And while we're at it, where's "Knight Rider 3-D"?]

9. "It's about a retired special agent who is drawn into the treacherous world of the yakuza in order to protect his family." [OK, I can't lie again . This is ANOTHER GODDAMNED Steven Seagal vehicle. What in the holy hell is going on?]

10. "…about a band of bloodsuckers who are turned into special operatives for the FBI. Given the bloodlust they show for their work, the vampires are closely monitored by the government agency." [Yes, this is a real plot summary describing the splicing together of Blade and The Recruit. It may do for FBI/vampire movies what Zorro: The Gay Blade did for swashbuckler movies.]

And now, to avoid terminal snarkiness, the only upcoming feature out of about 50 that I am actually looking forward to, the presence of nice-guy-but-shitty-actor John Cusack notwithstanding: "Cate Blanchett, John Cusack and Kevin Spacey are in talks to star in a new feature adaptation of Henrik Ibsen's A DOLL'S HOUSE for director Liv Ulmann. Production will begin in 2005. She has written a script based on the 1879 play about a woman who leaves her husband and children to seek a new life. The movie will be released in 2006, the 100th anniversary of the playwright's death. Before then, Ullmann will direct THE JOURNEY HOME from her own script based on the book by Icelandic author Olaf Olafsson."

A FISKING BEFORE FISK'S DADDY WAS BORN

If you want to find out about the perpetrator, victim, year, and context of this particular woodshed moment, scroll down to the end. None of the words in the numbered paragraphs are mine, naturally.

1. "Those are most truly free who have passed through the greatest discipline."

Then slavery was the best condition of society, for all admit it was the severest discipline yet experienced by man. Was it not wrong in Lincoln to deprive our race thus of the highest freedom?

2. "My request to the white men of the North is that they bring more coolness, more calmness, more deliberations and more sense of justice to the Negro question."

The coolness is needed in the South, not in the North; this section (the North) needs to warm up a little in the interest of its former ideals.

3. "As soon as our race gets property in the form of real estate, of intelligence, of high Christian character, it will find that it is going to receive the recognition which it has not thus far received."

As to the question of wealth and character, etc., winning one recognition, we see quite the contrary in the South. These things are damned there for Negroes. For proofs see the efforts there to keep all Negroes from places of preferment...

4. "We have never disturbed the country by riots, strikes, or lockouts; ours has been a peaceful, faithful, humble service."

Now, it is a doubtful compliment to have said this about us; for the reason that strikes and lockouts are sometimes necessary conditions in society, and people who brag that they do not resort to these necessities are not always to be commended. In fact, the Negro in any and all professions and callings is safest in doing just the same, and no different than his white brother.

5. "One farm bought, one house built, one home sweetly and intelligently kept, one man who is the largest taxpayer or who has the largest banking account, one school or church maintained, one factory running successfully, one garden profitably cultivated, one patient cured by a Negro doctor, one sermon well preached, one life cleanly lived, will tell more in our favor than all the abstract eloquence that can be summoned to plead our cause."

All of this last is mere claptrap. All the wealth, skill and intelligence acquired and accumulated by Negroes prior to '61 did not do half so much toward freeing the slave as did the abstract eloquence of [Frederick] Douglass, [Samuel Ringgold] Ward, [William Lloyd] Garrison and [Wendell] Phillips... This habit of belittling agitation on the part of Washington, that very thing which made him free, and by which he lives and prospers is one of his great faults if a man with such a blundering can have any degrees in stupidity.
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The italicized portions were taken from Booker T. Washington's speech before the Twentieth Century Club at the Colonial Theatre in April 1903. The fisking was administered by William Monroe Trotter, a contemporary of W.E.B. DuBois, in an editorial to the Boston Guardian several days later. It's 100 years later, and we still hear variants on the same themes.

A RELATIVELY SOLEMN PLEDGE, BUT READ THE DISCLAIMERS

I probably won't have any special speech, memorial, or misdirected rants to commemorate the second anniversary of 9/11. Even typing my rememberances (as somebody safely in Austin who didn't know anyone who lives in New York, much less anyone hurt or killed in the attack) is an empty, pithy exercise. All I can hope is that the Independent 9/11 Commission gets the funding and cooperation it needs, and that it produces a report acceptable not to the pundits or the blogosphere, but to those people whose lives were directly affected by the tragedies. Anything less, in the words of a Charles Barkley shaving commercial, would be uncivilized. Hopefully, on that day, there will be no I'm-more-outraged-than-you pissing contests, no invocation of the tragedy to suit a current political or war-mongering impulse, and, most importantly for me, no cheap shots at people on the other side of the fence. Not on that day.

Strictly apart from the appropriate level of sobriety on that day, trying to maintain accountability for improving American security is still warranted. I know that the word nobody likes to hear is infrastructure. It's a boring word for those things we take for granted... which in itself is amazing to me (I'm thinking of David Thewlis' character's speech in Mike Leigh's Naked: "you've had the miracles of nature explained to you, and you're bored!"). However, cities, counties, and states all seem to be laboring under massive deficits (Austin, for instance, just went to a leaner, meaner Fire Department that eliminates back-up teams). The emotional resonance of "no new taxes" is still stronger than "fully-funded first responders", leading me to believe that America has only superficially accepted the "security first" paradigm of the post-9/11 world. Not to be overtly partisan, but this attitude comes from the top down. There's no sense of shared sacrifice, no actual communitarian bonds, no inter-governmental cooperation without actual scandals... it's nothing but bland, infuriating, undocumented, and unhelpful platitudes.

Pick a section of the original Hart-Rudman report on National Security. I'm starting on page 141 of 156, where the recommendations are summarized. Enhanced border patrols, especially where transportation of large amounts of material are involved. Anyone in Laredo want to back me up on the assertion that it's business as usual here? National laboratories for analysis of chemical or biological attacks? A national science educational policy? Reorganization of the State Department? Institutional reform of the Department of Defense (instead of dumping another $100 billion on an already wasteful and mysterious agency)? Re-emphasis on human intelligence, instead of firing gay translators? Strengthening veterans benefits?

I'm pretty sure that we've foregone any claim of seriousness in the foreign policy arena, when Afghanistan/Pakistan, the still-hotbed of terrorism, has 12,500 troops, and Iraq has 150,000 (and THAT'S still not enough). Apart from our color-coded nonsense and creation of the Department of Homeland Security, what are we going to use as an example to show that we're domestically serious?

THINGS I PUT VERY LITTLE THOUGHT INTO MONTHS AGO ON STORIES NOBODY IS INTERESTED IN ANY LONGER

Until I can get rid of the summer-induced vapor lock in my brain to produce something resembling original, it's old comments time again! Hell, I even cut and pasted 10 more horrific movie production notes just from one week, but I don't want to crush the human spirit before Monday lunch. The first two parts are here and here, if you desire continuity in your reading this junk.

(11) Unsolicited Advice for the Bush Administration: In times where entire chunks of the State of the Union address seem to be falling to earth like so much dandruff, the only "Head and Shoulders" that can save the Administration's credibility (and garner it no small amount of sympathy) are not 16 words, but 6 little words: "He tried to kill My Dad". Scott McClellan should answer every 9/11-report question with that retort. Bush should have a neon sign made with that phrase for each press availability session. Soothe every CIA inquiry, White House leak, or pragmatist revolt with the rich, luxurious balm of dad-killing.

(12) German/Italian dust-up: I find it unbelievably fortunate that no one has pointed out the obvious. Mr. Schulz' uncle, in fact, WAS Sergeant Schulz, and he had no clue that Hogan was digging tunnels all under the camp! And, of course, Berlusconi did not help the Godfather comparisons when, in response to questions about concessions on EU-licensed casinos, said to the Belgians: "Here is my offer. Nothing. Not even the price of the gaming license."

(13) The Segway Incident: I'm sure that our infallible leader had to be forcibly removed, kicking and screaming, from the Oval Office desk as he was in the middle of studying Medicare actuarial tables. He then proceed to sulk all the way up to Kennebunkport, and was coaxed out of the Presidential jet-black Chevy Tahoe with a shiny new Segway his pops got him. His mind still reeling with aging statistics and their effect on the prescription drug benefit for seniors, he forgot to turn the damned thing on and fell off.

(14) Nancy Grace and the Scott Peterson case: Seriously, is Larry King Nancy Grace's work-release sponsor from her stint at the local state hospital? I may not be the world's leading neurologist, but I don't think her brain is working.

(15) The Niger Flap/The President’s Credibility: My favorite quote from Kevin's post was the Administration official who was just flummoxed over how the President was allowed to be embarrassed. I mean, if that's your standard of success, suspend him in a viscous fluid for the remainder of the term and have an animatronic or CGI President make public appearances and speeches from here on out.

POP CULTURE OBSERVATIONS FROM ONE SPIN MAGAZINE: THE FINAL CHAPTER

Previous installments, complete with caveats, apologies, explanations, and disclaimers, can be found here and here.

21. A rollerskating schematic? Say what you want about this list. Maybe I’m not getting paid for this. But somebody did research that graph.

22. There is no way Jason Lee is a Scientologist. Starring in “Kissing a Fool” with David Schwimmer is enough to convince anyone that there’s no L. Ron Hubbard.

23. Radical cheerleaders. Either so played out in “Smells Like Teen Spirit”, or the 21st century’s answer to the question: What happens when PETA turns into the Symbionese Liberation Army?

24. 5 hours of bonus DVD material. I saw that movie. It was about 90 minutes too long on its own.

25. Jimmy Fallon observation #3: I reiterate. Computer Guy Movie. Then recurring role as white neighbor on lesser Wayans’ Brother sitcom. Then the real obscurity kicks in.

26. Please cancel my subscription to SPIN. I really really have no fucking idea who Sum 41 is. Please substitute a subscription for A & E’s “Biography” magazine.

26a. Ditto the prettyboy from Incubus.

27. I won’t listen to anything Alanis Morrissette until she reconciles with “Moose” from “You Can’t Do That on Television”. Canada’s dirty little secret.

28. Whoa Nellie! It's Bad Religion! It’s been far far too long since I’ve heard a crisp, 2:12 punk song about international finance.

29. Holy crap! A record review for Leonard Cohen! A true bard from the Great White North! And alive, no less!

30. Come to think of it, there may be something to the regenerative internal powers of Scientology. This could be the only rational explanation for "Losin’ It" alumni Tom Cruise becoming an international superstar while Jackie Earle Haley languishes on page 116.

THE BILL LUMBERGH WEATHER REPORT

Hey there, Brownsville. What's happening? Tell you what. We're going to go ahead and need you, Harlingen, San Benito, Port Isabel, Los Fresnos, Edinburg, McAllen, Weslaco, Sebastian, Raymondville, Port Mansfield, Combes, Mercedes, Donna, Armstrong, Norias, Red Gate, Lyford and Willamar to start thinking about buying some batteries, bottled water, plywood, playing cards, spare gasoline for your generator. Yeah, it seems that Tropical Storm Erica is heading your way, so let's go ahead and get started on being a team player, O.K.? And did you get the memo on the new cover sheets for the TPS reports? Grrreeeaaaattt.

FRIDAY "NOT IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO GET THEIR OWN POSTS" POST

1. I. must. see. American. Splendor. now. It's not coming to Austin for another month, but I hear there are premieres in Los Angeles and Cleveland (electricity willing) today. Someone hook me up with some goddamned plane tickets and a fabricated press pass STAT.

2. When is a dropout not a dropout? When it's a "temporarily displaced juvenile school attendee". If anyone was wondering whether educational miracles happen in Houston, wonder no more.

3. Neither you, I, or the smartest people in the blogosphere are qualified to rationally examine the claims of a conscientious objector who is being currently court-martialled. However, this case does provide a roadmap on how to successfully and creatively evade active duty. If you take quietly off for a year or so while you're dad is the Chair of the Republican National Committee, it's no problem. If you have the unmitigated gall to criticize what you feel to be an unauthorized military activity, you, my friend, are screwed.

4. Why Working in the CIA Doesn't Pay, Example #28,583: A couple of think-tank bookworms say "cakewalk" and "welcomed as liberators". You, based on available real-world say "amalgamation of Saddam loyalists, religious extremists, and outside influences = armed resistance". You are laughed at, and start preparing your sandwich artist resume.

5. Afghanistan is a Kick-Ass Place to Live, Example #11,930: Well, were it not for the blackout, the Schwarzenegger gubernatorial campaign, the Kobe Bryant case, the Scott Peterson case, the weed-eating in Crawford photo opportunity, the Wild Card race in the American League between the A's and the Red Sox, Jude Law's impending divorce, and a local news story about which backpack to purchase for your child--- this could conceivably be considered news-worthy.

GOT NOTHIN' RIGHT NOW BUT SOME ENTRY-LEVEL SIDESHOW BOB

In the words of the immortal Cole Porter: "Every time we say good-bye, I cry a little... every time we say good-bye, I wonder why a little". My favorite quotes from 1.12, a/k/a "Krusty Busted":
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Krusty: How much do you love me?
Kids: With all our heart!
Krusty: What would do if I went off the air?
Kids: We'd kill ourselves!

Bart: Dad, you're giving in to mob mentality!
Homer: No I'm not, I'm hopping on the bandwagon! Now come on, son, get with the winning team!

Foreperson: We find the defendant, Krusty the Clown... guilty (crowd gasps)
Defense Attorney (not Lionel Hutz): Ugh! [bangs the table] I knew it! This happens to me every time!

Apu: Hey, hey, this is not a lending library! If you're not going to buy that thing, put it down or I'll blow your heads off!

WHO POLICES THE POLICE? I DUNNO... THE COAST GUARD?

OK, so I'm a partisan. However, I do have a small problem with hypocrisy (except when I'm the hypocrite), especially when it pertains to actually investigating the legitimate functions of government when they become corrupted. For example, one need only go back in time 14 months (blogosphere time equivalent: 2 million years) to read about Administration opposition to an independent 9/11 commission, the piss-poor funding thereof, the non-cooperation by many government agencies once it started, etc.

No Administration is immune from scandal or perceived scandal. However, where those scandals tend to impugn the actual public policy function of the government, one would expect investigation and findings by non-partisan agencies, even if the independent counsel statute has (thankfully) expired. Well, don't hold your breath, at least until January 2005. The previous Administration was examined on travel agency firing (dubious), FBI file transfers (topical, but exonerated), the ever-morphing Whitewater-into-oral-sex scandal (the historical apex of national sublimity), and payments to mistresses by HUD Secretaries (which still, despite a plea agreement years ago by Henry Cisneros, hasn't concluded yet).

The topics of potential investigation in this Administration are a bit more germane to the business of governance: industry influence in developing a national energy plan (still in litigation; the General Accounting Office just gave up), disputed intelligence claims (we're still checking to see how many times Tenet can blame himself), industry donations and influence in securing exemptions from environmental regulations (Westar, still nary a peep), classification of Saudi ties to the worst terrorist incident on American soil (when hell freezes over), and the dismissal environmental science in favor of industry-friendly regulations (see here for the report on faith-based governance).

Don't mistake my wish that the present Administration be accountable with my belief that they're actually guilty of the above offenses, although they most certainly are, and you can take that to the federally-insured banking institution of your choice. I'm just wondering when the current mantra--"honor and integrity in the White House"-- is going to be laughed at as much as the previous Administration's lamentable talking point-- "the most ethical Administration in history".
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Absurd coda: In the main USA Today article, Ari Flesicher, Jr. (a/k/a Scott McClellan) rationalizes the immunity of the Adminsitration from outside scrutiny thusly:

"White House spokesman Scott McClellan says Bush has delivered on his campaign promise to 'change the tone' in Washington. ''The American people want us to be forward-looking and want us to work together to get things done, not to continue to settle political scores from the past or score political points.'''

Consider the tone changed, washed, and put out to dry, Skippy! Please excuse me while I stare blankly at the ceiling for the next 16 months.

VOTE FARMING

As everyone knows, most state governments are set up so that power is vested in a bicameral legislature, a governor who is the head of the executive branch, and a generally independent, non-elected judiciary. In Texas, we have wisely decided to scrap this system in its entirety and implement a new system of Farmerocracy. This is not where citizens from our agrarian sector get together in some form of grassroots democracy. This is where the Farmers Insurance Company tells the legislature and executive branch what it wants, throws a little money at them or their campaigns, and magically gets what it wants. Of course, this story is as old as the hills, but it's currently fresher in Texas newspapers than the ongoing, boring standoff over redistricting:

(1) Favoritism to Elected Officials: Claims managers at Farmers' have filed wrongful discharge lawsuits, basically because they narced on the practice of paying non-covered claims to public officials, including $300,000 in mold-related payments to Representative Joe Nixon (R-Houston) when it wasn't on his homeowners policy.

(2) Representative Nixon, to his eternal hell-bound credit, is the primary champion of tort reform in Texas. Apparently, he thinks that the investigation of the above payments represents payback for his role in screwing patients and physicians in favor of malpractice insurance carriers. No, payback for that would be to convert your mold-free home into a Ronald McDonald House for sick children, you black-hearted reprobate.

(3) Why all the favoritism? Well, a small amount of weak insurance reform was finally on the Legislature's plate this session, thanks in no small part to citizens howling about huge, unjustified overcharges over the last two years (ironically, due to mold remediation claims). Most homeowners' insurance companies were forced into a settlement by the Department of Insurance; Farmers', of course, is appealing. According to a news article on the subject: "[In 1999], the U.S. average homeowner policy cost $487. Double that for Texas... In 2002, the average countrywide rate rose eight percent. It rose an average of 35% in Texas." Farmers is appealing their 17% ordered cut.

(4) Senate Bill 14: The final chapter in this sordid tale has to do with the actual bill implemented insurance reform in Texas. It took quite a while, but a bipartisan bill (yes, bipartisanship sometimes occurs, even here) was ready to go out of conference committee. There was one small sticking point concerning the Texas Department of Insurance's jurisdiction over "management fees", which was in the agreed bill, but which Farmers' opposed..... well, read the rest of the story. Wanna guess who wins out?

QUICK UPDATES IN OUR WAR ON THE CONSTITUTION

Here's a brief account of the travails of Jose Padilla's criminal attorney, whom he has been without since June 10, 2002. Again, the differences between this guy and all of the other cases you've read about in triumphant Department of Justice press releases: American citizen, not apprehended on the battlefield, and, of course, not charged with a crime. In addition, the brief memorandum used by the Department of Defense to hold him has largely been discredited.

Not that it matters to the current Administration, but the American Bar Association has come out against the numerous restrictions that would be placed on a lawyer appointed by the Pentagon to defend an "enemy combatant", including allowing the government to eavesdrop on conversations and limiting outside statements. Of course, this only really applies to those 660 detainees in Cuba, who wouldn't be there if they weren't obviously guilty of something. So quit yer bellyachin'!

BACK FROM SYNDICATION HIATUS.... THE SIMMMMMMPSONS

1.11 “Crepes of Wrath” (exchange student)... this is one of the great episodes, featuring Adil, the cutest little Albanian Communist spy ever drawn up in a Korean animation studio.
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Homer (after being apprised of the exchange program): Wait a minute, Skinner. How do we know some principal over in France isn't pulling the same scam you are?

Skinner: You'll be getting an Albanian.
Homer: You mean, all white with pink eyes?

Homer: Please kids, stop fighting. Maybe Lisa's right about America being the land of opportunity, and maybe Adil's got a point about the machinery of capitalism being oiled with the blood of the workers.

Cesar: Whenever my faith in God is shaken, I think of the miracle of anti-freeze.

Homer (opening wine): Some wise-guy stuck a cork in the bottle!

A FISK, A RANT, A LOAF OF BREAD, AND THOU

Sorry, this may be a little long. Apparently the speech in question was made in March 2003, so I'm sure that the pro-war rhetoric is a little more overheated than usual for the following reasons: reaction to the worldwide peace protestors, we're talking about Alabama here, the speaker is the State Auditor who probably harbors political ambitions (although the connection of a podunk state's head bean counter to international foreign policy is a bit tenuous), and not with the benefit of observing certain ironic developments that we have the benefit of drawing upon now. That being said, I'm sure this post is totally unnecessary and non-topical:

"I'm here because men and women of the United States military have given their lives for my freedom. I am not here because Sheryl Crow, Rosie O'Donnell, Martin Sheen, George Clooney, Jane Fonda or Phil Donahue, sacrificed their lives for me."

Don't pin the blame for your existence on our brave fighting men and women! They've got 122 degrees in the shade to contend with, and you drop THAT on them?

"If my memory serves me correctly, it was not movie stars or musicians, but the United States Military who fought on the shores of Iwo Jima, the jungles of Vietnam, and the beaches of Normandy."

Jesus, Ashton Kutcher was (negative) 37 years old when Iwo Jima went down. He may be able to date Demi Moore, but he can't time-travel, goddamn it!

"Tonight, I say we should support the President of the United States and the U.S. Military and tell the liberal, tree-hugging, Birkenstock-wearing, hippie, and tie-dyed liberals to go make their movies and music and whine somewhere else."

What happened, did the theatres in Alabama finally get a copy of Easy Rider after 34 years?

"After all, if they lived in Iraq, they wouldn't be allowed the freedom of speech they're being given here today. Ironically, they would be put to death at the hands of Saddam Hussein or Usama Bin Laden. I want to know how the very people who are against war because of the loss of life, can possibly be the same people who are for abortion?"

There is no good answer for this, of course, which is why I was personally pushing for as many civilian casualties as humanly possible during the War in Iraq. Frankly, the cutting down of an occasional protestor iin Baghdad or Tikrit isn't satisfying my Roe v. Wade-driven bloodlust.

(long, snipped rant about movie stars wanting to be human shields). "Throughout the course of history, this country has remained free, not because of movie stars and liberal activists but because of brave men and women who hated war too -- but lay down their lives so that we all may live in freedom. After all -- 'What greater love hath no man, that he lay down his life for his friend,' but in this case a country."

Honestly, the last sentence deserves honorary "Bushism" status. As for the connection of liberal activists to human freedom in Alabama... well, those were just bus-boycotting darkies.

"I thank God tonight for freedom -- those who bought and paid for it with their lives in the past -- those who will protect it in the present and defend it in the future. America has remained silent too long. God-fearing people have remained silent too long. We must lift our voices united in a humble prayer to God for guidance and the strength and courage to sustain us throughout whatever the future may hold."

And, in doing so, violate the Biblical prohibition against praying aloud in public like a hypocritical Pharisee. Of course, the fact that you hold a state-wide position may tend to suggest to some reflective people an agnostic/atheistic alternative.

"After the tragic events of Sept. 11th, my then eleven-year-old son said terrorism is a war against us and them and if you're not one of us, then you're one of them."

Thank you for distilling the Administration apologist talking-points to the appropriate 6th-grade level. Of course, I'm sure that he'll be one of the very first volunteers in Operation: Chechnyan Freedom for President Jeb Bush in 2009.

"So in closing tonight, let us be of one accord, let us stand proud, and let us be the human shields of prayer, encouragement and support for the President, our troops and their families and our country. May God bless America, the land of the free, the home of the brave and the greatest country on the face of this earth!"

On that we can heartily agree.
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UPDATE: Not to be outdone, my friend and sometimes incoherent commenter Capital P has contributed a fine, frothy, NC-17 rated rant to celebrate this weblog's flirtation with true American patriotism. I take absolutely no responsibility for it. Here it is, (basically) uncut and (totally) unfit for human consumption:

"where did you find that festering pile of botfly larvae? man, that thing just exudes rationality, intelligence, and of course, good grammar. i am getting so fucking sick of people just asserting that america is 'free' as if that is some universal and unqualifiable description. exactly how free are you talking about? more free than what? less free than... (impossible!) and how about after mr. ashcroft and the rest of the 'god-fearing' people get finished with it? no, mrs. chapman, you are not here tonight because men and women of the united states military gave their lives for your 'freedom.' you are here because no one has yet managed to strangle the bible-thumping, fascist, dumb-fucking life out of your miserable sack of bones."

"how hard is it to see that whatever the reason, any military action not engaged purely for self-defense is necessarily a curtailment of their beloved 'freedom.' am i free to assume my $35,000 share of this year’s national debt? fantastic! let’s see, mortgage...check, credit card debt...check, student loan...check, iraqi child clusterbomb fund...chiggity-chizz-neck! oh yeah, 'operation: fleece the taxpayers' is in the motherfucking house. oh, and also 'operation: talk all kinds of shit about illegal-but-non-existent weapons of mass destruction and then leave 500 tons of depleted uranium scattered all over populated areas of your target nation to seep into the groundwater and cause rampant escalation in cancer rates in innocent, liberated, and oh so free civilians for generations to come' is also in the house."

"and what ever happened to 'liberty'? it gets shouted down in the name of this elusive, undefined 'freedom' and no one seems to know the difference. when someone attacks us, we can talk about fighting for freedom. until then, (and even after) don’t talk about the heroic us military men and women giving their lives so that i can wear birkenstocks and tie-dye. and your eleven year old son can go suck a turd out of tom ridge’s ass. let it be said once and for all, i am NOT with you, i am against you! maybe you should try to separate the principles and ideals that america was based on (see constitution, bill of rights, i.e. john ashcroft’s target dummy) from the sick, bloated, corporate pig that our government has become. if i believed that there was a real and imminent threat to my loved ones, way of life, and ideals, i would personally fight for them. on the other hand, fighting to protect the freedom of corporate america to suck huge profits out of economic globalization is not exactly worth my life. and i feel just a little sorry for any sad sacks that had the poor sense to enlist not knowing that this is what the us military’s primary mission is."

"and for the last time—there. is. no. motherfucking. god! get it through your thick motherfucking skull! no motherfucking god whatsoever! no god, no allah, no vishnu, no zeus, no easter bunny, no santa claus, no compassionate conservative, not even satan! take your head out of your ass and look around, damn it."

"rant over."

CRIMINAL (DETAINEE) JUSTICE (INJUSTICE)

The age old question persists: why are some of our arrests/detentions in the "war on terror" front page news, replete with lots of prosecutorially-leaked salacious details, while others are seemingly immune from outside scrutiny, requiring heavyweight legal maneuvering just to find out what the hell is going on. Let's check out the scorecard any see if any sense can be made of it:

(1) The Lackawanna Six: Six small-town Yemeni residents in upstate New York accept criminal accept prison sentences ranging from 6 1/2 to 9 years for having travelled to Afghanistan six months before the 9/11 attack. There appeared to be no ongoing "plan" on their part. Yet, they plead guilty-- primarily because they were implicitly threatened with "enemy combatant" status, or, for lack of a better word, utter disappearance for an indefinite period of time, followed by "trial" in front of a military tribunal. No jury trial, no right to choose your own attorney, no right to access evidence, no attorney-client privilege. All things considered, I guess they made the right decision.

(2) Richard Reid, Zacarious Moussaui. Not American citizens. One pled guilty and was sentenced to life, the other is slowly winding his way through open court. Same for Mike Hawash, a naturalized American citizen who pled guilty (whether this was influenced by the "enemy combatant" status threat).

(3) This brings us to Jose Padilla, who received "enemy combatant" status in June 2002 and who has been held incommunicado ever since. The government isn't crowing about this too much, other than to slap the title "dirty bomber" on him and ship him out to a military prison in South Carolina. His appellate attorneys actually won a right to have a preliminary hearing, but this was appealed by the government, and the earliest date of argument is next month, bringing his detention up to 15 months.

I realize that the last case is a little fuzzy in our collective memories, but there is movement afoot to see whether the Constitution means what it says, or whether will continue to follow the Ashcroftian model of Constitution by convenience. A bipartisan set of judges and jurists has filed briefs in the above-referenced appeal, as has the largely libertarian Cato Institute. The Administration position?

(Brit) HUME: I understand that, but, I mean, someone could -- presumably someone less scrupulous than I'm sure you feel this administration is being could pick me up and hold me as an enemy combatant, could he not?

(John) ASHCROFT: Well, I don't think there's any basis for doing that.

How would we know THAT, jackass?

FIVE QUESTIONS FOR OUR INTREPID GUESTS

We have four weblogger participants for the five questions. Each of the following people will post responses to the following questions on their own weblog (Kriselda of Different Strings, Seb of Sadly, No!, Gary of the TFS Reluctant, and our Aussie homeboy Jon of G'Day Mate.) I think these are the four, but I'm doing it from memory, because the comments are broken right now. Remember the ground rules, posted below.

(1) If you could have dinner with four contemporary public figures, where everybody's entree (except for yours) was heavily flavored with strychnine, who would the guests be and why?

(2) If you could learn a musical instrument that you don't currently know, what would it be and who would be your ideal instructor?

(3) Old Uncle Giblet up and died and left you $3 million tax free bucks, which can only be spent on a piece of property (land, house, business). What do you spend it on?

(4) What's the one thing you think you offer on your weblog that zillions of other weblogs don't? Really?

(5) If you were limited to only reading three weblogs a day, who would they be and why? Please don't mention me, unless it's some sort of pity-based "honorable mention".

Sorry I couldn't make it more person-specific, but hey, there's four of you and I'm lazy. Now spread the disease!

NEW ADDITIONS TO THE MOST TIME-CONSUMING BLOGROLL IN THE BIZNESS

On my figurative and sometimes literal right: everyone gets a blurb, some lamer than others, and include such luminaries as

Mr. Balasubramania, Body and Soul, Cut on the Bias, Delusional Duck, Eve of the Apocalypse, The Go Fish, Grammar Police, Interrobang!, James Landrith, PLA, Prometheus 6, Quaker in a Basement, The Raving Atheist, The S-Train Canvass, and Teacherish.

All are worth your undivided reading and contemplative attention at all times. Try and figure that one out.

INTERVIEW FARCE, the SEQUEL.

As a condition of being interviewed, I must now become an interviewer of another blogger out there. If you agree to be interviewed (by leaving a comment to this post), you must also agree to the following conditions, or I will be hunted down by the people who started this thing and slapped silly:

1) If you want to participate, leave a comment saying "interview me."
2) I will respond by asking you five questions (not the same as you see here).
3) You will update your blog/site with the answers to the questions.
4) You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5) When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

I'm only going to come up with a single set of five questions. As many commenters within the next 24 hours can participate in feeding this exponentially growing viral interviewitis.

VH1's "BEHIND THE CRAPPY BLOGS" PRESENTS: THE NORBIZNESS INTERVIEW

I am part of some giant, out-of-control, interview chain that was apparently started in the bowels of Hades. My interviewer is Kelley from Suburban Blight. My responsibility (and ground rules) for continuing to propagate this mess will appear in a subsequent post.

I.) Wherefore "Norbizness"? What is that all about? Did you know that southerners say "NawBidness"?

It was a nickname given to me once upon a time by one of my friends in Houston. We used to use the word “business” in the same way that Hawaiians use “Aloha”. Busy, business, busitude, business-like, busitudinalosity, takin’ care of business and workin’ overtime, etc. Apparently I was viewed as “business-like”, which can be a good or a bad thing depending on one’s sobriety and voice inflection. It’s spelled weirdly because AOL limited screen names back in the day to 10 characters. As for true Southerners who would pronounce it that way, I can’t help their unfortunate speech impediment, nor their proclivity for eating parts of animals civilized people throw away.

II.) What was your favorite subject in school (high school or college) and why?

You’re assuming I made it to high school. Seriously, anything I took pass/fail with the intellectual hubris to think “Now I can really pay attention to the subject, instead of grade-grubbing”, which, of course, I didn’t. Examples: 20th Century Philosophy, Religion and Politics, Socioeconomic Ramifications of the Rough Trade in Pre-Mercantilist Asia.

III.) You find out that you have six months to live. You sit down and make a list of the top ten things that you just absolutely must do before you lay yourself down for the Eternal Dirt Nap. What is on that list?

(1) find a goddamned cure for whatever it is I have (2) beat up at least one doctor who tells me it’s incurable (3) look into the cybernetic options that Dick Cheney is no doubt exploring at this very moment (4) get front-row seats for a Houston Rockets basketball game and get forcibly ejected in the 1st quarter after telling Tim Duncan to fuck off; (5) order four foot-long sandwiches at Subway, plunk down a $20, and then run out of the store, cackling insanely; (6) stalk Michael Caine; (7) put down my remaining life’s savings on one hand of high-stakes blackjack behind the velvet ropes at the Bellagio; (8) try heroin—why not?; (9) start a Ponzi scheme involving Pokemon trading card franchises; (10) as my last act, get a high-profile assisted suicide, instructing my executor to send graphic pictures of my death and rigor mortis to John Ashcroft with the caption “See You in Hell, Motherfucker!”

IV.) How do you characterize yourself politically, and why?

In short, I don’t like the government to control personal behavior, but I do like them to mess around with the vast piles of money that other people have. To be perfectly exact, I’m here. According to that chart, I’m freakin’ Gandhi! That must explain why I can never afford nice clothes and I’m always hungry. Go see for yourself. Partisanistically speaking, I’m not a big fan of authority, so I’m more inclined to harbor a seething disdain of Republicans, who seem to like that institution. Misanthropist Party, anyone?

V.) If you could live anywhere in the world, where would it be and why?

Apart from the glorious People’s Republic of Austin? Well, as soon as the CIA Weather Manipulation Program can eliminate our 3-week strings of 100+ degree days in the summer, this stinkhole on the Colorado River would still be as good as any I can see in this country. If forced to move, then it’s off to Vancouver (weed), Anchorage (weed), or London—assuming I had a sugar mommy or daddy, because it’s goddamned expensive over there (spent 4 months there back in the day).

TEN REASONS TO GOUGE YOUR EYES OUT

One of the only entertainment columns I read on a weekly basis is the "Weekly Recap" by Elston Gunn, and published on the Ain't It Cool News website. You can usually find out what interesting acting and directorial attachments are coming down the pike, and also provides a general idea about what the upcoming movie seasons will bring. It also has the terrific ability to completely rob you of faith in humanity, as witnessed by the selected tidbits that have been published in the last month:

1. James Carpinello will play John Travolta's son in Artisan Entertainment/Marvel Studios' THE PUNISHER for director Jonathan Hensleigh. [Proof again of the magical powers of Scientology. Somebody still wants this bloated hack to keep acting, even after "Battlefield Earth"]

2. Will Ferrell is attached to star in GET SMART, based on the 1960s' TV series. [Probably the most talented SNL cast member of the last 5 years, barely edging out a used couch.]

3. Ashton Kutcher and Paul Walker have expressed interest in starring in THE DUKES OF HAZZARD, based on the television show, for Warner Bros, with Britney Spears as a potential Daisy Duke. [This defies parody or comment.]

4. Barry Sonnenfeld has pulled out of Columbia's FUN WITH DICK AND JANE comedy remake starring Jim Carrey and Cameron Diaz. [Apparently, this didn't meet the rigorous standards Barry set with "Men in Black 2"]

5. Abandon Pictures is planning HAGAR THE HORRIBLE, a live-action movie based on the Viking-themed comic strip. [And I thought that the "Beetle Bailey" project starring starring Topher Grace and John Goodman was going forward first.]

6. Debra Messing will voice the role of Arlene opposite Bill Murray in GARFIELD for 20th Century Fox and director Peter Hewitt. [Seriously, Peter, I expected better from the director of "Bill & Ted's Bogus Journey"]

7. Joel Zwick is in talks to direct FAT ALBERT, a live-action feature based on the '70s cartoon for 20th Century Fox. [Finally, resurrection time for the Fat Boys, an underutilized movie resource ever since "Disorderlies"]

8. Chris Tucker is in talks to return for RUSH HOUR 3 [Here's how the talks will go: "Chris, do you want $25 million to star in a rancid, floating turd of a movie?" "Fuck yeah!"]

9. Liev Schreiber will join Denzel Washington and Meryl Streep in Paramount's Jonathan Demme-directed remake of THE MANCHURIAN CANDIDATE. [I don't care that Denzel is on board. You-simply-cannot-do-this]

10. Columbia has purchased the script GROWN UPS to be produced by Ricochet. It's about the overly protective parents of a 13-year-old who awake to find themselves turned into 13-year-olds as well. [Calling Judge Reinhold and Kirk Cameron's agent! Get in on this!]

THE FACTS AS THEY SEE THEM

Although my partisan leanings are probably pronounced, I wish to give a fair and unbiased account of the duelling lawsuits filed by the Texas Republicans and Texas Democrats over the redistricting issue. Which of course is a gigantic waste of resources and time done at the behest of a molten lump of pure evil.

(1) The Democratic Lawsuit: The main points are (a) Rick Perry declined to call a special session after redistricting failed in 2001; (b) the courts issued a valid opinion concerning redistricting that can carry the state until the next census comes out in 2010; (c) no legal authority compelled Texas to redistrict; in fact, it had not been done mid-decade without an extraordinary problem in more than 50 years; (d) the Lt. Governor planned to arrest and compel the return of Senators who went absent after the second session was called-- although a district court opinion had just been issued that said that no similar authority existed for absent House members; (e) there is no authority in the Texas constitution to effect such an arrest; (f) the special session [reserved for "extraordinary occasions"] is itself unconstitutional.

(2) The Republican Lawsuit was filed by the Attorney General, and is a writ of mandamus to compel the absent Senators to return. Its main points are: (a) an emergency now exists because of the absence of a quorum, wherein no legislation can be passed; (b) the Constitution places a mandatory duty for those lawmakers to be present; (c) where the Senators have fled the state, the only remedy is a court order compelling their return. Pretty legalistic as compared to the Democrat's lawsuit.

In essence, the lawsuits are not really in opposition to each other. The Democrats assert that the whole special session business is unwarranted and unconstitutional; the Republicans, while not touching that issue, make an interesting case for compelling absent Senators to return. I leave it up to those interested parties to carefully weigh the evidence, and then of course side with whatever side they happened to favor in the first place.

POTPOURRI OF WEEK-ENDING LIFE AFFIRMING NEWS STORIES

(1) Thousands Protest VA Hospital Closing: I believe that the VA spokesperson would like to see the trend towards decentralized, entrepreneurial, cardboard-housing-based self-sufficiency for our nation's veterans continue. Perhaps sticking around in Iraq isn't so bad after all.

(2) Sorry, We Need That $1 Billion a Week for Iraq: And the fantastic, first-class treatment of returning veterans continues unabated. Are you a Florida-based veteran who recently picked up a ticket with the number 10,032? Now Serving #1!

(3) Everything Is Totally Double All Good in Afghanistan. What compels those warlords to be hatin' 24-7? Increase the peace!

(4) Compact Irony Alert: Nothing like a President dismissing criticism of Iraq as "pure politics" while repeatedly invoking the now-discredited "war on terror" justification, as well as the 3,000 dead in the World Trade Center attack.

(5) That Spells VICTOA! Not VICTORY! Dammit! Look for a fresh round of "smoking weed = blowing up the Jordanian Embassy" commercials during Fox NFL Sunday.

(6) Wolfie and Rummy, P.I.s: So THIS is how desk-jockeys with giant National Geographic maps of the Middle East and a head full of theoretically unsound ideas get to decide the fate of 150,000 soldiers! Who's ready for "Hearts and Minds 2"?

HOW'S YOUR DRIVE-TIME COMMUTE?

I know nobody asked me, but apparently there's these highly personal questions "The Friday Five" that some people like to answer. I thought I'd give it a go, since I'm sure that there are literally of thousands uncompleted lives in the balance:

(1) What's the last place you traveled to, outside your own home state/country?

Santa Fe, NM, via airplane, June 2003. Horsehead Nebula via mushrooms and gasoline-soaked rags, May 2003.

(2) What's the most bizarre/unusual thing that's ever happened to you while traveling?

Morrissey, after I loudly informed him that his music was annoying tripe that only middle-schoolers with bad acne would find remotely interesting, hit me in the head with a pint of Quartermain's Quadruple X lager... November 1992.

(3) If you could take off to anywhere, money and time being no object, where would you go?

I don't understand the question. Time is no object? How would you know when to sleep? Are we talking about travelling near the speed of light? What a bunch of bollocks!

(4) Do you prefer traveling by plane, train or car?

It's CGI-hovercraft or else I'm staying home with my newly acquired Full House 12-DVD boxed set.

(5) What's the next place on your list to visit?

The lovely Kickapoo Lucky Eagle Casino outside of Eagle Pass, Texas. Start sending me money now. I've got this failsafe system of making money that basically involves pushing people with oxygen masks down a flight of stairs and taking their Big-Gulp cups full of quarters.

PLEASE PUT DOWN ALL BEVERAGES BEFORE READING

Thanks again to Jesse, who must flirt with the frayed edges of sanity as he sits in the mouth of madness at the National Review Corner for hours on end in order to retrieve country-fried nuggets of pure wisdom like this:

"But I now know something I did not know 48 hours ago, or knew only vaguely and imperfectly: gay fascism is real, and strong, and determined. If this Political Correctness cannot be stopped, we are going to lose our freedoms."

I could hone my craft for centuries and centuries and never achieve the comic perfection of John Freakin' Derbyshire. I guess this finally explains Benito Mussolini's impeccable fashion sense. Was his Italian Excellency visited by some Vespa-driving 1930s version of "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy"?

ALL POP CULTURE, ALL THE TIME

Ten things you should be listening to, but aren't, because you're lame.

(1) The Sparks. Imagine Johnny Rotten trying to channel Freddie Mercury. And succeeding.

(2) Wendy Carlos, "Switched on Boxed Set". Tron. Clockwork Orange. A thousand video games. Here is the Rosetta Stone.

(3) The Meters. America's finest band. Travel to New Orleans without leaving your parents' basement.

(4) The Kinks, "Are The Village Green Preservation Society". As soon as you can clear your head of the Beatles hype, you'll realize that this is the best British Invasion album ever.

(5) Senor Coconut, "El Baile Aleman". Ever wonder how a one-man Latin band would re-interpret the techno masterpieces of Kraftwerk? Wonder no more.

(6) Jurassic 5, "Quality Control". This is a challenge to all those (a) "I can't stand rap" or (b) "rap ain't what it used to be" crowds. You need to cold lamp with this shit.

(7) Coco Candissi, "Bricks Have Eyes" and Pong, "Killer Lifestyle". Straight representin' A-Town, y'all. Power-pop isn't dead, it's just staying inside 'cause it's too damn hot.

(8) Flamin' Groovies, "Flamingo". Take that, hippies! A San Francisco band in the middle of the psychedelic era conclusively proves that Little Richard, Eddie Cochran and Rufus Thomas are cooler than Jefferson Airplane or (yawn) The Doors.

(9) Ondar. You can't get enough throat-singing, no matter how hard you try.

(10) Don Walser. Re-read #6, and substitute "country".

TEN.. ER.. ELEVEN MORE INAPPROPRIATE AND DATED OBSERVATIONS FROM ONE SPIN MAGAZINE

11. An article hyping Mystikal. Browse browse browse. Oh, goodness. A James Brown comparison, from a record label fucker, no less. I heard that Jay-Z is just like Curtis Mayfield, too.

12. Courtney love web site? Doesn’t it take money to do something like that?

13. An Army of One, soon to get its ass kicked by an Army for Significantly More Than One.

14 Jesus Christ, there are a lot of liquor ads in this magazine. Do you really figure that the Kid Rock audience will be subliminally influenced to buy Jim Beam when they come of age in 8 years?

15. This magazine should have its own "All Ol' Dirty Bastrd, All The Time" section. Advice straight from “Slick Rick’s Guide to Prison Recording Sessions”.

16. I had to go until page 45 for the first soulless, funkless, unwashed pile of flaccid college rock… er… pop punk? Gimme back the dollar this issue cost me!

17. Captain Morgan: Holy fuck! You’ve got a bright red moustache! Confound that Captain!

18. An ad for That( thankfully already cancelled) ‘80s show. “How you get it to stand up?” “I don’t know… how do YOU get it to stand up?” I could hear that line one million times, and it would still be fresh and topical.

18a. Coming soon…. That 90s show. Dust off your flannel shirt and head down to the local talent agency!

19. “Super Troopers” Go back home, drag queens…. It’s not an ABBA biopic. For people who find Chris Kattan comedies unnecessarily taxing on their mental processes.

20. Mesh hats? Holy shit! And they’re down at the thrift store, ripe for the pickin’? Thanks, frontman for Grandaddy! (see item 16)

ALTERNATE HEADLINES: (1) TOILET PAPER OF MASS DESTRUCTION (2) SWEEPING AWAY THREATS TO OUR NATIONAL SECURITY (3) DISINFECTING OUR NATIONAL LANDSCAPE FOR JESUS

Via invaluable news source 'Special K' here in Austin, I see that the geniuses in the Pre-Crime division of the Department of Defense have definitely come up with a public relations winner. While enemy combatants are held incommunicado, hundreds of billions of dollars go unaccounted for, and vast, obsolete weapons systems are being developed for the Congressional pork barrel, let's be sure and harrass a janitor with a brain tumor and a blind daughter.

The rationale: people with outstanding debts (or a profit motive) may be tempted to sell national secrets to our many, faceless enemies. For instance, did you know that the Executive Washroom at Lockheed is cleaned with Lysol and Clorox, and scented with unsold commemorative 2000 Olympics urinal cakes? That the most popular cigarette butt on the 5th floor balcony is, strangely enough, a Benson & Hedges menthol 100? That the Crusader system can be utterly disabled with some well-placed chewing gum? Whoops, strike that.

However, the logic of the system (financial greed compromises national security) is airtight. Carlyle Group and House of Saud, anyone?

MENDOOOOOZZZZZAAAAA!!!!!!

International law requires that I post at least once about Arnold running for governor.

Matrix: Don't break radio silence until they see me.
Cindy: How will I know?
Matrix: Because all fucking hell is going to break loose.

Bart: Hey, McBain, I'm a big fan, but your last movie really sucked.
McBain: I know. Der vere script problems from day one.
Wiggum: Yeah, I'll say. Magic ticket, my ass, McBain.
McBain: [to his wife] Maria, my mighty heart is breaking. I'll be in the Humvee.

Indeed.

OH YEAH, INDONESIA. SO IT HAS 10 TIMES THE POPULATION OF IRAQ AND KNOWN AL-QAEDA ACTIVITY. AND A LARGE HOTEL EXPLOSION. HOWEVER, OUR SUBTERRANEAN VICE PRESIDENT SAYS IRAQ IS CRUCIAL TO THE WAR ON TERRORISM, AND I IMPLICITLY AND FEARFULLY TRUST HIM

Wait a minute? Did I have any commentary apart from this? Did I just go apeshit in the title for this post?

In any event, read this (my original Indonesia Actually Matters hypothesis), and then this (national media wakes up after large hotel explosion and agrees). Heh. Indeed. Boo-yah. Etc.

Speaking of the popularizer of the above pithy non-words (thanks to Jesse for the catch), the most popular site in the blogosphere recently linked to a New York Post article (what, Ranger Rick magazine wasn't available?) with a take on the Indonesia situation. What's the upshot of this article from the ignoramus-American standpoint? "The encouraging fact is that the bombing in Indonesia was the best the terrorists could do: They can't defeat America, so they killed some folks having lunch."

To which I commented: "Having the top of the linkage heap excerpt that idiotic article (blowing up a hotel in Indonesia is cause for triumphalism?!?) makes me finally conclude that utter, banal mediocrity is rewarded in the blogosphere, just as it is in movies, television, pop music, and talk radio." To which I further add: Did that dipshit at the Post write a similar article after the bombing in Bali? If so, did he make sure to e-mail it to all of his Australian friends? What the holy hell is wrong with his synaptic gaps?

I'm sorry, but I need to stop where I'm going with this before I have an aneurysm.

WORST. MAGAZINE. AFFILIATED. BLOG. EVER.

From the august blog "The Corner" in the well-regarded publication known as the National Review (clearing throat):

KEEPING THINGS IN PERSPECTIVE: An article in The Chronicle of Higher Education this week notes, “On average, 100 African-Americans a year were lynched in the 1890s.” That figure is accurate (it may actually be a little low), and it’s horrifying, but let me add two other facts. First, during this time period, the number of European-Americans lynched was about 40 per year. Second, at this rate, it would have taken 60,000 years to get to the 6 million figure that European Jewry suffered during the Third Reich. Something to keep in mind the next time you hear the American South compared to Nazi Germany.

Good God, I had never really scanned "The Corner" before--- what the fuck is this? Disjointed ramblings that weren't good enough to make it into their already shitty columns? As for the numbers game played by that idiot Roger Clegg, I can only hope that a vestige of shame remains and he's a sandwich artist by month's end. I mean, a strawman is bad enough. A strawman that seeks to diminish the importance of the most shameful institution in American history is absolutely fucking disgusting. Thankfully, Clegg was later tamely taken to task by another National Review editor: "Roger, it's rarely a good idea to compare broad historical social movements that produce great evil. The discrete histories are so much different. I don't really think anything is 'decided' arguing 'What was more evil -- Slavery or the Holocaust?'"

Other gems from just the last few days (click on the numbers for the actual post):

(1) "Think of how much harder the media's being on Kobe than on Juanita Broaddrick's alleged attacker." What media coverage has this idiot been watching?

(2) "We are approaching the point where we shall have to start civil-disobedience campaigning for majority rights. 'Why, to put it bluntly, should the 97 per cent of the population who are not homosexual permit themselves to be jerked around by three per cent who are?'" What are you going to do, jackass, stage sit-ins at gay nightclubs and hair salons?

(3) "But the humor of character can be long lived. I laugh still at the Life of Johnson, at Falstaff's lies, or at Malvolio dressed to woo. I do not read Latin and my wife, who did, says that Terence and Plautus are torture in the original." I think the pretentious turd position at your magazine is already taken by William F. Buckley, and he's NOT GOING ANYWHERE.

(4) "I'm getting lots of e-mails complaining about our 'new format.' No such thing! Chill. Please." Man, for a moment I was a little disoriented, and thought I had accidentally clicked on Vibe's new weblog. Street cred abounds!

WHY, WE COULD FUND 200 MILLION CRACK-ADDICTED SINGLE MOTHERS WITH THIS

My friend Soupy, who actually tries to keep up with world affairs (his radio tuner in the car is always annoyingly tuned to NPR, for instance), alerted me about a subject which always floats somewhat beneath the surface, but should be highlighted in these heady days of 385 gazillion dollar annual Pentagon budgets. To wit: these bastards waste a whole shitload of our money, and auditing them is next to impossible, because they basically give the General Accounting Office (GAO) the middle finger (or threaten them with some Eraser-style super-weapon).

In short, read Bill Moyers' interview with Chuck Spinney, the unlucky sad sack who has tried, unsuccessfully, for 25 years to restore some sort of fiscal sanity and irresponsibility in this, the largest boondoggle in the history of the goddamned world. For a more detailed explanation of the utter breakdown of this system, read his longer analysis here. When we're literally wasting (I assume it's wasting, since we can't find the goddamned money) tens of billions per year, is blindly spending another $400 billion in this fiscal year, for fear of being called soft on terrorism, a good idea?

MOYERS: Is this $400 billion Congressionally approved budget a scandal in your mind?

SPINNEY: Yes. It isn't gonna fix our problems. It's certainly unnecessary. And you can't look at this budget in isolation. This budget is being put into place, and it's gonna generate an enormous tail in the out years because we're politically engineering all these programs and building up all this support in the Congressional districts. It's gonna be very difficult to turn this spending off.

Remember this the next time one of your friendly neighborhood "small-government" advocates starts carping about a 2% cost-of-living pay raise for a Child Protective Services caseworker or teacher.

I'M SO BORED WITH THE YOUTH CULTURE IN THE U.S.A. [aka SERIOUSLY, I AM GETTING OLD] (part one)

In the words of Seymour Skinner: "Why, there are no children here at the 4-H club, either! Am I so out of touch? No, it's the children who are wrong." I realized that the children were wrong when I picked up my final copy of Spin Magazine about a year ago, and realized that every showcased band, every advertisement they tried to jam down my throat, every highlighted fashion trend, every spotlighted trendy technological device, and every fragnance I was involuntary exposed to in that wasteland of a publication was, for lack of a better word(s), noxious, corrosive, and utterly horrible. I actually went a little insane and typed a screed concerning every bit of minutiae in that one issue.

Here are first 10 reprintable ones (I think the audience is a Spin editor, hopefully about my age, who I would be shaming into not sucking so badly):

1. Jimmy Fallon was inexplicably on the cover. Saying Saturday Night Live’s coolest star is like saying “the Latin American Dictator’s Association most benevolent humanitarian”.

2. Vodka is cool. An advertisement with a devil and an angel sharing a vodka looks like a goddamned .38 Special concept album cover.

3. Calvin Klein ads: 14 year old boy models emulating Mick Jagger is cool. So long as he’s sucking David Bowie’s cock in the picture.

4. Multiracial, lame Gap ad: what did they tell the black guy he was posing for to get him in that shot?

5. Punk rock: So, Sum-41 rips off Blink-242 rips off Green Day rips off some unnamed Orange County punk band rips off the Buzzcocks? Have I got it right?

6. “The Truth” ads: Goddamn, these little fuckers are annoying. At least I know to start huffing antifreeze when cigarettes become too expensive.

7. Jimmy Fallon again? SHIT! Well, I guess you do have him on the cover. Will you be so benevolent when “Computer Guy 3” goes straight to video?

8. Buffy, the Vampire Slayer ad: You may not know it, but you caused a simultaneous orgasm in 10,000 “Ain’t it Cool News” readers.

9. DMX's New Album (seriously, I can't hear his name without thinking about my silver and chrome Mongoose bicycle), "The Great Depression". It’ll be nice to see some Woody Guthrie songs about Okie sharecroppers punctuated by synth squeals and about 100 “uhs”.

10. Letter of unmitigated praise for Kid Rock: Come on now, you must manufacture these.

I AM REMINDED OF MY CHILDHOOD SPENT IN A SMELLY, MUCUS-FILLED POUCH

Do you hear that sound, Mr. Anderson? It's like, inevitability or something. When the Ecosystem rankings come out tomorrow, I fully hope to have evolved to a marauding marsupial. In anticipation of joining this select group of approximately 200 cretinous and obtuse bloggers, I haven chosen the wallaby, an unbelievably intelligent kangaroo variant (here studying UNIX programming) from Australia. Some wallabies have even made the leap into mediocre cartoon programming on Nickelodeon.

In fact, there are more than 100 marsupial species in Australia, including Tasmanian devils, bandicoots, quokkas, prehensile-tailed cuscuses, pademelons, gliders, kultarrs, mulgaras, kowaris, antechinuses, pseudantechinuses (don't let them fool you), dibblers, quolls, ningauis, phascogales, planigales, dunnarts, numbats, and, most importantly, Daintree River Ring-tailed Possums.

I hope that my Foster's-swilling friends are suitably impressed by my comprehensive linking to Australian wildlife.
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UPDATE (8/4/03): Well, not yet. I need a few gratuitous links

A LOT TO CHEW ON

Apparently Steve Perry, former lead singer of Journey and one-hit wonder in his own right, has compiled the "Bush Administration's Top 40 Lies About War and Terrorism". Personally, I'm waiting for the article on tape, read by Casey Kasem in that silky smooth voice that I remember introducing Hall & Oates and Chaka Khan singles.

However, there are a fair number of strawmen in the list, and a few that can be objectively be verified as the God's-honest truth. Now now, I'm not losing my mind and becoming an Administration apologist, despite the rumors that Richard Perle offered me a stainless steel fondue set and a handbook on how to throw a bitchin' fondue party (rumors that Charles Krauthammer threatened to bite into my head like a ripe peach... well, that's between me and Charles).

Lie #1: "The administration was not bent on war with Iraq from 9/11 onward." Strawman alert! Nobody disputes that the gang in Cheney's Underground Racquetball Court #267 was itchin' fer a fight ever since Condoleeza Rice (looking noticeably peeved) was left off Saddam's PNAC Christmas card list in 1988.

Lie #9: "The U.S. wants democracy in Iraq and the Middle East." Of course we/they do. Democracy as only a brilliantly devious political theorist like Paul "Turkey's Military Didn't Play a Strong Enough Role" Wolfowitz understands it.

Lie #13: "The Bush administration has made Americans safer from terror on U.S. soil". Well, this is undoubtedly true. Have you seen any attacks against American soil, dirt, or for that matter sod in the last 2 years?

Lie #18: "Despite vocal international opposition, the U.S. was backed by most of the world, as evidenced by the 40-plus-member Coalition of the Willing." Look, could you tone it down here, Mr. Lovin' Touchin' Squeezin'? Eritrea and Micronesia are having really bad self-esteem problems, and you're not helping.

Lie #27: "U.S. troops 'rescued' Private Jessica Lynch from an Iraqi hospital.". Wait till that Lifetime movie comes out and fixes your boat, smart-ass.

Lie #31: "The U.S. achieved its stated objectives in Afghanistan, and vanquished the Taliban." All you have do to is look pathetic mewlings of the miscreants who dispute this claim (here, here, and here) to know, by implication, that we are correct on this one.

Lie #40: "God told Bush to invade Iraq." Seriously, dude. You're in over your head on this one. Prove to me he didn't.

SLUMBERING PIERROT: THE MOVIE

Starring myself as a stereotypical, Glenn (of Hi, I'm Black!) as an African-American Fisher-Price figure, Jivha as an impossibly swarthy Fernando Lamas knock-off, and, of course Alexei as a talking turkey. I'm proud to say that I brought the above linked movie in under-budget (a mere $32 million), which I hope to recoup upon its theatrical premiere at a defunct Bastrop drive-in movie screen in Summer 2004. Look out, Spiderman 2!

NEW WEBLOG SHOWCASE

Many of these have been in existence longer than I have, but considering where I got my start, I feel obligated to provide links to almost everyone, whether I agree or understand them or not. Plus, dumping on other blogs out of spite, jealousy, and a desire to generate comments and traffic is one of the reasons the Declaration of Independence was drafted. I think. In any event, go down there and help out the newbies on their way to a lucrative career that involves sitting on your ass and cutting and pasting.

(1) A Little Aardvark: Utterly unnecessary fisking of a crappy letter to the editor in a newspaper nobody's ever heard of. I guess there's a lot of fish in the sea, or something.

(2) Anticipatory Retaliation: I think this has something to do with economics and polling, although one can never be sure. Already asking the readership to determine future posts. Bad move.

(3) S-Train Canvass: I had no idea that Wal-Marts served food! And that it sucks! The post in question is about 4 weeks old, so I checked out the rest of the blog. It's definitely of a higher quality than most, and he seems to developed a weird, symbiotic relationship with the cranky turd-muffin over at Balloon Juice. I smell a sitcom! Call Central Casting!

(4) Oni Blogger: Currently the leader, in no small part due to semi- and totally-nude Asian chicks. We definitely have a winner.

(5) Yankee Blog: Wonders aloud whether a minor-league soccer system could work in the United States, or if he's just smoking crack. To which I reply: give me the pager number of your dealer.

(6) Southern Conservatives: Brilliant parody site, a la Landover Baptist. Exhibit A: "Talk show host Michael Savage announced last night his interest in running for governor of California on the recall ballot. Why not? He's made some politically incorrect statements before, but he also said that '[he] believe[s] in the Golden State not the Welfare State.' I like the line." I swear to God, that made White Russian shot out of my nose. But please, fellas... temper the overtly funny shit, or the impact of your satire will be diminished.

7. ZOTA: Over your head, over my head, over the head of the guy down the street. An inherently dumb medium was never meant to be abused in this fashion.

ANNOYING, SNARKY COMMENTS NOBODY WANTS TO RE-LIVE, part 2

(6) The infamous “2 by 4” whacking thread on Jane Galt: Are we still talking about hypothetical whacking with two by fours, or has there been actual whacking? Are we moving towards a doctrine of pre-emptive whacking? Has there been whacking with baguettes in Paris or with three-day old kidney pies in London?

(6a) I certainly don't believe that shop-owners have to put up with thugs who would damage their property or imperil them. I think I am generally objecting to the tone of this smaller thread (and the larger thread wherein the pre-emptive whacking doctrine is fleshed out) that violence during today's protests were going to be a given. I further object to the simple-minded tarring and feathering of many conscientious, non-violent protestors because of the actions of a few jackasses (the "anarchists" and the WTO protest; the ANSWER Stalinists and the current protests), especially when they're used as a pretext to gas and pepper spray grandmothers and families.

(6b) As for the "willingness to tolerate advocates of violence".... what sane, non-violent anti-war protestor would want to see their story completely overshadowed by the activities of anarchist jagoffs? Trust me, I'd be on the phone with Admiral Poindexter at the Total Information Awareness Office to find out which of those morons bought an inordinate amount of bicycle chains and gasoline-soaked rags so that they could be removed from the proceedings before they began.

(7) On the grandiosity of reactionary bloggers (Balloon Juice): Honestly, it's as easy as Mad Libs: "Curses to the bloviating, objectively pro-(currently out-of-favor dictator) (made up word that is a synonym for 'moron')... I will, wielding the (sharp instrument) of (something Superman fights for), excise this (name of disease) from the American body politic!"

(8) On Military Tribunals (Calpundit): Before all of you sniveling appeaseniks start bellyaching about this, just remember (1) this was done 60 years ago for a couple of Nazi saboteurs, thereby insuring our victory in World War II; (2) our freedoms would inevitably be used against us; (3) you are only giving our enemies aid and comfort by producing and reading such charts; (4) the calm, steady of hand of Paul Wolfowitz is guiding this and (5) a little something something about the Taliban dragging your carcass around a soccer stadium. Have I pre-emptively hit all of the talking points?

OPERATION FINITE RESOURCES

This is kind of a follow-up to yesterday's post concerning the chorus of voices that see an inverse relationship between ongoing, large-scale engagement in Iraq and the original Afghanistan mission (I still prefer "Infinite Justice", and it took me a while to remember that it's actually called "Enduring Freedom"-- in any event, both names are having less and less value in describing our ongoing operations there). I'm suggesting that, in the event that Americans want to have a frank discussion of national security that goes deeper than the talking points of either political party, that developments in Afghanistan and Pakistan must be followed.

(1) Military resources: According to an MSNBC article, al-Qaeda has essentially reconstituted in the Afghan-Pakistani border and Eastern Iran. The following resources have been pulled out of Afghanistan and re-committed to Iraq: Predator drones, the 5th Special Forces Group (the ones that actually speak Arabic and Central Asian languages), and RC-135 surveillance planes (missing in action from May 2002 through June 2003). It's just as well; I can't see those things being useful to the war on terror.

(2) Security in Afghanistan: Yes, I realize that no-one likes to hear from that tinhorn, baby-blue-helmeted uber-bureaucrat Kofi Annan. However, increasing terrorist activity in the southern regions and tribal violence in Northern Afghanistan is not a promising development 19 months into the operation.

(3) Ongoing Pakistani-Afghan border disputes: Not entirely helpful.

(4) U.S. Forces Wound New Afghan Army Soldiers: Probably not the optimal outcome of the situation. Mistakes will be made.

(5) India Worried About Renewed Arms Flow From Afghanistan: Can't really think of a good regional spin for this, other than to call the Indians a bunch of jittery wusses.

So, can anyone tell me again how we effectively gauge Subterranean Homesick Vice President Dick Cheney's March 2003 statement on the increasingly-discredited direct link theory? “Confronting the threat posed by Iraq is not a distraction from the war on terror, it is absolutely crucial to winning the war on terror.”

THANKS FOR THE DISCOURAGEMENT

Two important and seemingly positive indications on the economy in the last two days (as usual, if you want actual analysis of the economic news--- and I know you do--- check out "It's Still the Economy" or Brad DeLong):

(1) Gross Domestic Product is growing at a 2.4% annual rate in the second quarter of 2003. I mean, 0.7% if you exclude defense spending. This does not bode well for our armed forces, who may have to remain in Iraq in perpetuity to help the economy avoid complete stagnation. But, in the tradition of always looking on the bright side of life, the CEOs of Boeing or Lockheed should be able to buy a platinum bidet, encrusted with diamonds and sapphires.

(2) The unemployment rate dropped from 6.4% to 6.2%. Proof that bold, inspired, and utterly crazy supply side economics stimulates the labor force? Are people, energized by the recent President press conference, beginning to find work? What, are you crazy?

The economy itself lost another 44,000 jobs in July; and another half-million people decided to stop looking for work. According to mathematics expert "Slightly Rancid Shut-in Who Lives Down the Street From Me", the percentage will decrease if you take the same amount away from the smaller numerator (number of unemployed) and larger denominator (labor pool). I said "Whatever dude, here's $1.50. Thanks for the help. Go buy yourself some breath mints."

IRAQ AND AL-QAEDA: INCONTROVERTIBLE PROOF OF A CONNECTION

It's been right there in front of the Administration's face for nearly a year now: you devote a shitload of resources to fighting the war in Iraq, and you derail the search for international terrorists. It's ever-so-clear to me now, thanks to the feel-good article of the summer. However, let me issue the appropriate caveat-- the following sources of information are no doubt motivated by some sort of irrational hatred of the Bush Administration, and I wouldn't trust them to tell me that it's hot in Phoenix:

(1) Former CIA counter-terrorism official: The effort to find bin Laden had “lost at least half of its original strength.” He added, “Arabic speakers are in short supply. You still have some intelligence-collection assets in Afghanistan, but mostly it’s just small teams looking for signals. That’s because of Iraq.”

(2) Sri Lankan terrorism/al-Qaeda expert: “I feel that if they had not gone to Iraq they would have found Osama by now. The best people were moved away from this operation. The best minds were moved to Iraq. It’s a great shame. It’s the biggest military failure in the war on terrorism so far. The Americans need more resources, and more high-level people exclusively assigned to this task.”

(3) Former NSC official: “I have worried for some time that it became politically inconvenient” for the Bush Administration to “complete operations sufficiently in Afghanistan.”

(4) Numbers out of Afghanistan: For instance, a recent U.N. report found that the average number of attacks per month on coalition forces rose from around nine last year to more than thirty since the beginning of 2003.

The article goes on to assert, in a most counter-intuitive fashion, that Clinton actually wanted really badly to kill bin Laden, but that his efforts were initially derailed by the CIA and Pakistan (using unsympathetic Afghani warlords to carry out the task), and later the Pentagon's inept planning (deploying surface ships instead of submarines in the Tomahawk missile episode). However, the source for this absolutely ludicrous, unpatriotic, and bizarre claim is only the nation's first counter-terrorism czar and former Reagan Administration official Richard Clarke. So erase it from your mind, and focus on that haircut in the airport.
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Postscript: And now the British are confirming this new inverse link! Bastardos! Didn't the War of 1812 teach these snaggle-toothed reprobates anything?

CUNNING PLAN 3-C: STOPGAP MEASURES

In my effort to become the world's biggest pain in the ass; or, put in a more highbrow fashion, in an effort to become the Zelig of the blogosphere, I am willing to comment on other people's better weblogs, without provocation, factual basis, or regard for my own safety. Here are a few you might have missed:

(1) North Korea going nuclear (Heretical Ideas): "Great news, Fearless Leader! The People's Nuclear Committee reports that we are about to become 'preemptive-war-proof' in 6 months! I'm going to boil a shoe for the celebration banquet!" Don't worry, I'm sure we're about to get a detailed realpolitik explanation from the National Review about why this result is preferable to the chickenshit appeasement of the Clinton Administration.

(2) The Lakers’ free agency moves (Kevin Holtsberry): The Jazz were my most hated of NBA teams for years. This makes the 2003-2004 most hated team and easy call (even though I love the way Gary Payton looks cocky even while he's getting schooled). Malone's numbers will hit the sewers, and he will be an unbridled fountain of bitchitude for the entire season.

(3) On soldiers’ declining morale (Democratic Veteran): Jeez, you would think that these uniformed ingrates would be completely enthused about implementing the dystopian vision of dishonest freaks like (William) Kristol and his PNAC/AEI cohorts.

(4) My most disturbing moment (Gut Rumbles): At age 9, I picked up a dog by the hind legs and pushed him around like a vacuum cleaner. Remember, it all goes on your permanent record. Oh, and one time, while ripped to the gills on mescaline and the pineal extract of the nine-banded armadillo, I discovered the key to interdimensional travel by listening... with my MIND... to Huey Lewis and the News' "If This Is It" for 43 consecutive hours. Try it if you dare.

(5) On the revelation that Detroit once gave the key to the city to Saddam Hussein (Tacitus): I must be missing something here. Wait a minute, I'm feeling a sense of... what do you call it... outrage! Yes, OUTRAGE!! How DARE they? Give 'em back to those Labatt's drinking surrender monkeys in Canada! And then our beloved leader Reagan, utterly powerless to contain the groundswell of objectively pro-Saddam sentiment, follows Detroit's lead and goes and does something like this: "As part of its opening to Baghdad, the Reagan administration removed Iraq from the State Department terrorism list in February 1982, despite heated objections from Congress." Sons of BITCHES!

ALMOST GIDDY WITH DELIGHT

It's very rare that our President calls a press conference. When he actually assumes responsibility for one of the many falsehoods that let us to war (presumably to protect against having to fire Condoleeza Rice), the odds against go to about 1.4 billion to 1, or the chances of the Dallas Cowboys winning the Super Bowl this year. However, the odds that he would make most of us utter "What was that, now?" or completely mishandle a whole slew of not-very-tough questions are about even. My personal highlights:

(1) "The American people are proud of our Armed Forces, and we are grateful for their sacrifice and their service in fighting the war on terror. We also appreciate the military families who share in the hardship and uncertainties of this essential mission." Of course, if you were a POW tortured in the first Gulf War, this doesn't really apply to you. Take your gratitude stamps to the VA and hush up.

(2) "The United States and our allies will complete our mission in Iraq, and we'll complete our mission in Afghanistan." As previously mentioned, if this Afghani mission includes (a) letting warlords funded by the booming drug trade terrorize the populace and (b) letting the remnants of the Taliban mass in Pakistan to destabilize the region... then Mission Accomplished! Next!

(3) "We're beginning to see hopeful signs of faster growth in the economy, which over time will yield new jobs. Yet the unemployment rate is still too high. We will not rest until Americans looking for work can find a job." See you in a month! I've got some Lonesome Dove videotapes waiting for me back at the ranch, suckaz!

(4) Can I buy a verb? Or Military Strategery 101: "And, by the way, as we rotate, we'll be changing the nature of the military configuration to be more of a -- to have more of a -- the capacity to move very quickly and to strike quickly, because our intelligence is getting better on the ground, as we're able to pick targets, able to enrich targets and move quickly on the targets."

(5) "Of course, it's important that the -- that Saddam's sons were brought to justice." And by justice, we mean Mussolini justice, not the kind of justice that involves a courtroom or obtaining valuable intelligence. That's French justice, and I won't stand for it.

(6) "Now, what we can do is we can be -- obviously, at home, continue to be diligent on the inspection process of baggage, as well as making sure those who board aircraft are properly screened." And by properly screened, we mean not screened at all as we let a boatload of screeners frolic in the exciting world of unemployment.

(7) Question: "Can you finally offer us some definitive evidence that Saddam was working with al Qaeda terrorists?" Let me save you the trouble of wandering through the answer to this question. No, he can't.

(8) "And I'm confident that our search will yield that which I strongly believe, that Saddam had a weapons program." Boy, we're really raising the bar on this one.

(9) "I believe in the sanctity of marriage. I believe a marriage is between a man and a woman. And I think we ought to codify that one way or the other. And we've got lawyers looking at the best way to do that." Well, codify isn't really the right word here, Mr. President. I think you're grasping for "amend the Constitution for no good apparent reason, and waste taxpayer money in doing so." However, he did promise to safeguard the sanctity of marriage by stoning adulterers and divorcees (I think Newt Gingrich volunteered), as well as killing network executives that offer reality shows where the outcome is marriage.

(10) "My attitude is, a deeper recession means more people would have been hurt. And I view the actions we've taken as a jobs program, job creation program." In the words of Butt-head: "Uh-huh-huh-huh.... what?"

(11) "I take personal responsibility for everything I say, of course." You know what to do, electorate!

Well, that's enough. My eyes are bleeding.

ABBREVIATED "MATCH THE TREASONOUS FELLOW TRAVELLER WITH THEIR DISGUSTING, PARTISAN, ANTI-AMERICAN QUOTE" GAME

(a) "Because of some combination of bureaucratic inertia, political caution and unrealistic expectations left over from the war, we do not appear to be confident about our course in Iraq"

(b) "We just haven't seen any proof of linkages between Saddam Hussein and al Qaeda," said [blank], who said Liberia had much clearer ties to terrorists.

(c) "Congress has been a co-conspirator with the administration in failing to advance a predictable, multiyear budget for operations in Iraq that would demonstrate American vision and commitment, attract allied support and clarify the scope of our mission."

(d) Regarding Iraq costs: "You and Mr. Bolten need to be more forthright in how long and how much"

(e) And again (to Wolfowitz): "Oh, come on now. Does anybody here think we are going to be down below 100,000 forces in the next calendar year? Raise your hand, anyone of you. You know it is going to be more than that, you know at least it is going to be $2.5 billion a month. Give me a break, will you? When are you guys going to start being honest with us?"

(f) Regarding the terrorist futures program: "I cannot conceive of any reason why the United States government should be involved in a project of this nature''

(g) And again: "It's totally unauthorized as far as we're concerned. No funds should have been used for it at all. It's really a serious mistake on the part of DARPA.''

The answers: (a) Richard Lugar (R-Indiana); (b) Lincoln Chafee (R-Rhode Island); (c) Lugar again; (d) George Voinovich (R-Ohio); (e) Senator Joseph Biden (D-Delaware) -- sorry, he just snuck in; (f) Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist (R-Tennessee); (g) Ted Stevens (R-Alaska).

Don't tell me someone is taking separation of powers and checks and balances seriously! You bastards!

PATRIOTISM-- THE EXTENDED 12" DANCE MIX

This is not going to be a fisk (because you need serious formatting skillz to do this), but the apparent antithesis of my original patriotism post (i.e. how to be an unpatriotic patriot) has reared its head in the form of a post over at the fine folks at the Winds of Change. To be perfectly honest, I still don't know whether the article is a satire; if it is, I will obviously look like a (more of a) jackass (than I usually do) here. It begins, un-promisingly enough, with the following premise:

"In conversations with Tom Holsinger, he and I hit on a test that smokes out American haters of all stripes as well as Americans who lack patriotism. It is really simple: 'How does a person react to a public display of American patriotism?'”

I too have had extensive conversations with Tom Holsinger (well, who hasn't?), and somehow it's never come up. This appears to some sort of modified "flypaper theory"-- that an ugly, simple-minded display of patriotism may have a valuable secondary effect in drawing into the harsh light of day those who hate America. Well, at the 4th of July celebration I went to, Lee Greenwood was blared early and often. Me and my treasonous comrades would inevitably respond with an eyeroll, a "fucking sweet" muttered under our breath, and a detailed plan to replace that brain-dead yahoo music with a Buzzcocks CDs.

However, an extended analogy could be made between loud patriots/quiet patriots and, for instance, evangelical Christians and people that actually act like Christians. You don't hear Toby Keith blaring at 120 decibels from the Crown Victoria of a World War II veteran. The latter category has actually proved its patriotic credentials through its previous actions, not impotent raging against the French, boycotting progressive country radio stations, or displaying moronic one-liner bumperstickers. Similarly, people secure in their religious faith don't lash out against other denominations or religions, ask God to bless the package of apple-cinnamon rolls they got for breakfast, or display bumperstickers informing other drivers (quite disturbingly) that their vehicle will go unmanned "In the Case of Rapture", thereby becoming an instrument of death and mayhem on the highway.

SUPER NEAT A-1 MORNING AFGHANISTAN NEWS TIME

Here's a swell game you can play every morning. Type in the word "Afghanistan" into the Google news search engine, and you get a shitload of stories. Strangely enough, none of them seem ever originate from any major US news outlets. I'll usually see some Asian or BBC reporting on an Afghan issue for several days, and about one in ten gets picked up.

However, if you're a newly liberated citizen of Iraq, and you've reacquired your broadband connection, I wouldn't encourage you to look to the shining example of Afghanistan for hope of democracy and self-determination. Running water should be a higher priority; but here are some lessons you can take away like so much Kung Pao Chicken.

(1) Warlords are fun people. Use them.

(2) Nothing says "benign neglect" like large pieces of your former, terrorist government massing along the border. Use this development to get some super-sweet financial aid.

(3) If you can get the U.S. Army to stay in your country for nearly two years, the names for the operations they conduct will become lamer and lamer, and provide a constant source of amusement for you and your terrorized family. "Operation Warrior Sweep"? Man, hire some of Bob Hope's old writers. You DoD comedy writers suck!

(4) If all else fails, start blaming Iran for your problems. If you've really got some leftover WMDs stored in the back-seat of a station wagon somewhere, calmly drive it past the border and start honking your horn.

Look, I know occupation-- er-- liberation isn't easy. I would quote you something inspirational from the theme song of "Growing Pains", but I can't honestly remember how it goes. What Would Kirk Cameron Do?

SWEET. SW-E-E-E-E-T.

Looks like Texas is about to be the center of attention again, and not for anything uplifting. A second special legislative session has been called: not on our looming school finance disaster, our budget deficits that are causing services to be slashed and thousands of health care workers to be laid off. Nope, it's about redistricting again. Public commentary during the last special session ran about 10-1 against redistricting, polls show that the idea is unpopular even with Texas Republicans, and my sprawling mess of a state will continue to be a laughingstock.

Both the Senate and the House Democrats have left the building, there's already litigation to see whether state troopers can be used again, and it looks like the economy of Albuquerque will get a temporary boost.

I'll try not to write too much on this, unless I hear abjectly asinine things spewing forth from our local Republican sock puppets, such as Governor Rick Perry (who continues to erroneously claim that the this is "important to the people of this state"). I suggest tuning to the infinitely more patient and masochistic Burnt Orange Report for ongoing coverage.

Needless to say, I profusely apologize. Allow me to send you a care package full of discounted, day-old meatballs from our local Spaghetti Warehouse.

THE LAST SAFE PREJUDICE...

... has to be Young/College Republicans (warning, this is a Salon link, and you'll probably have to sit through an alarmist ACLU advertisement to get to the article, but it's worth it). People who, with a straight face, utter the following corker: "The life of a liberal is hell. It is not possible to have a debate, a discussion, with someone who at their root, at their core, hates everything this country stands for but doesn't hate it enough to leave." I mean, it's precious.

However, it's too easy to simply dismiss everything you read in this article as hollow, empty-headed verbal droppings uttered by privileged, pasty, fascist-leaning, mouthbreathing cretins. There is an interesting, if slight, ideological diversity to these rallies. The older French conservatives (how did THEY get in there?!?) who are puzzled by the convention's religious fervor and iconography. The delegate of Taiwanese descent who seems to at least think independently about infrastructure and the world economy.

However, when one of the delegates seems to imply that GWB is more of a "uniter, not a divider" than communist dupe Martin Luther King, Jr., you begin to question whether these young conventioneers are pod people or crude cyborgs powered by R. Robot Idiotic Phrase Generator 3.0.

H.F.P.S.T. LATE BLOGATHON ENTRY

Apparently there were a whole lotta people generating a whole lotta posts for a whole lotta charities this weekend. I meant to give a donation, but apparently REO Speedwagon trading cards are not donatable via PayPal. I didn't participate, of course, because I don't think the reading public could stomach a tenfold dilution of the quality of my posts without going clinically insane. Here are some things I plan on doing in the next year, regardless of whether anyone pays me to do it:

(1) Eat a Bistro Jack (TM) every hour for 24 hours. This would have the dual effect of (a) raising money for my favorite charity, which refurbishes shopping carts for Austin's homeless and (b) setting a world record for eating those noxious creations, which currently stands at 3/4ths of a sandwich.

(2) Taking a road trip to Houston and reporting a High Occupancy Vehicle lane violations every hour for 24 hours. According to billboards in my fair hometown, this activity makes you a "hero". Audie Murphy may have killed 50 Germans with dental floss, but I will have narced on two dozen soccer moms frantically trying to get to dance practice before their kid calls CPS.

(3) Getting strapped up, Clockwork Orange-style, and watching the "Friends" DVD compilation with audio commentary. This, of course, will make me violently nauseous every time I see David Schwimmer. Wait a minute... cancel this one.

(4) Going to every high school prom in Austin next year and replacing the DJ's crappy dance mix tape with Fear's "The Record". New York's Alright if You Like Saxophones, indeed!

(5) Making a prank call to 24 separate Administration apologist bloggers in 24 hours, offering them a plush job in their respective fields of sycophancy. It's no "Tarbash, the Egyptian Magician", but then again, I can't punch myself in the chest and make myself disappear.

HISTORY v. "NATIONAL SECURITY"

Liberia is currently hovering between being a "catastrophe" and being "utterly destroyed". This is obviously not good news. A few easily contradictable points on the matter:

(1) Everyone should acquiant themselves with the history of Liberia. It's fascinating, and may provoke a twinge of responsibility in even the most coldly logical neo-con purveyor of realpolitik. I mean, the capital city is called Monro(e)via, for shit's sake.

(2) A lot of people surmised that Colin Powell agreed to take the lead on winning over the United Nations on war with Iraq in exchange for the Administration's support of the African AIDS initiative. AIDS is definitely a pandemic on the continent, but, in the last 20 years, ranks second in terms of destabilizing effects. Think of civil wars in Rwanda, the Congo, Sudan, and Liberia. What good is HIV care and education if there's only a smoldering heap of a hospital where you could administer such care? (BTW, the only hospital standing in Monrovia is called John F. Kennedy, for shit's sake).

(3) While some on the left may be called hypocritical for supporting military intervention/assistance here while opposing pre-emptive war in Iraq (I won't deal with this fallacious argument here), there are pragmatic reasons why joining the pre-existing U.N. effort in that country make sense. As a corollary to point #2, if we want to appear to actually care about the stability of Africa (in the eyes of its citizens), we have to follow Colin Powell's suggestion and try to at least get the shellings to stop.

(3a) I mean, if you want to hear hypocrisy, read the article on how the Pentagon is hesitant about Liberia because it's "fraught with peril". That may very well be the case. Did they get to speak so freely prior to launching pre-emptive war on Iraq?

(4) Finally, we must be humanitarians. After all, isn't that what the "I don't care if WMDs are ever found in Iraq" crowd is all about these days? I mean, if national security (read: national interest) can't be supported by objective, unpuffed evidence isn't "liberation of oppressed people" all we're left with? I mean, Dick Cheney could have said that Iraq was all about enforcing international respect for human rights, but the words would have congealed in this throat, leaving him gasping for air.

(5) U.N. involvement apparently means legitimacy, American involvement apparently means increased chances of actual success. I think both are needed. My conclusion: I don't know whether we should commit troops to Liberia, but I'm leaning that way. Let the egg-throwing commence!

SERIOUSLY, WHAT GOOD CAN COME OF THIS?

Tom DeLay in the Middle East. Sweet. According to the story, he is going to bring along some 700 Club videotapes, a dog-eared copy of one of those "Left Behind" books, some Jesus air fresheners, and two exterminator's tanks full of Palestinian-B-Gone special formula. Can utter contentment and harmony in the region be far behind?

In order to promote democracy as he understands it, expect the following seminars for the provisional Iraqi government: (1) how to shake down lobbyists; (2) how to gain power by introducing the concept of divisive redistricting to the provisional Iraqi government, guaranteeing intra-factional squabbles for the next 100 years; (3) how to mobilize large federal government agencies to track down dissenting lawmakers; and (4) how the "lucky duck" economic theory works, and how you can use it to screw the working poor (especially if they have children) on a regular basis.

Damn, that was shrill.

AND FOR OUR NEXT HEAVILY REDACTED REPORT....

After looking at Congress' whitewashed behemoth of a report, it's time to sit back with a few brewskis and wait for the Independent Commission's report on 9/11, which should be ready about the first of never. Their interim report seems to indicate that although some federal agencies are starting to assist it, the Departments of Justice, Defense, Transportation, and Homeland Security (obviously all irrelevant to their inquiry) are still providing valuable hurdles, roadblocks, and non-cooperation.

Of course, since the Bush Administration originally opposed the creation of the commission, tried to limit its scope, tried to appoint a somewhat conflicted Dr. Henry Kissinger as its chair, and gave it 1/10th the money that the Whitewater investigation used up, it serves them right. Obviously.

IT GOES A LOT QUICKER THAN ANNA KARENINA

Looks like the Congressional Report on the 9/11 hijackings is finally getting published on the web; I found the full report (5.5 MB worth) on the Findlaw website. I really wouldn't suggest that you read the whole thing, but do wish to point out a few highlights:

(1) Page 3: The ever-important title page. It's dated December 2002. Insofar as the report concludes that there was no link between Iraq and al-Qaeda, it's a good thing it was delayed until after the State of the Union address, past the 3 months of wrangling with UN inspections, past major combat operations, past the aircraft carrier stunt, past the futile search for WMDs, and just past wiping out Saddam's son and grandson. Fortune smiles! Large mammals have gone through entire gestation periods in the time it's taken the Administration and the ever-reliable intelligence community to clear the 9/11 report.

(2) Page 11 will explain the various asterisks and strikethroughs you will have to maneuver around. As you get down to the meat of the report, you'll notice that even the table of comments is heavily redacted. You begin to lose confidence in the enlightenment potential of the document.

(3) Pages 23-31 contain the Cliff Notes version of the unredacted findings. Not looking too good for the CIA, the intelligence community at large, the National Security Council, or the FBI. However, Boy Scout Local #1265 gets major props. The infamous, missing Finding #13 (pp. 29-30) probably has something to do either with Saudi Arabia or Administration insistence on maintaining the integrity of photo opportunities in the face of large, exploding buildings.

(4) Pages 163-178: the recommendations include establishing a "national director of intelligence". This person should independent, forthright, and unyielding concerning the integrity of intelligence work, unless we're talking about attacking Syria or Iran. It also calls for the reports to be sent to Congress on (a) coordination of intelligence activities by the NSA and (b) cooperation of the State and Justice Departments on deportation by June 30, 2003. Oh shit, that was 3 weeks ago! Damn these retroactive deadlines!

(5) Pages 448-474: Utterly blank. I just saved you some time. Pages 518-end. Additional views of Committee members. I heartily encourage to pick the one you least like and make fun of them.

REALLY GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET

Apparently, Grover Norquist's wet dream of having a state go utterly bankrupt has come to fruition, if only in Onion format. Grover, as you may or may not know, is not a lovable blue Sesame Street character, but rather some kind of hideous ogre who wished for that very result in April 2002.

In Texas (Current Tourism Motto: "Why Go To A Third World Country Halfway Across the World When There's One Right Here?"), the state enacted some pretty draconian cuts to weasel around its $10 billion biennial deficit. Of course, it also employed accounting tricks, outright panhandling of the federal government, raising fees, shifting costs to counties and municipalities--- but it never raised taxes (wink wink). Lots of the cuts were in the health care sector, such as nursing home visits, children's health insurance--- places where demographics put every conservative, stagnant state at an immediate disadvantage. The question always remains: what would it take to get Joe Republican or Joe Blue Dog Democrat to notice that the safety net the state provides even affects them?

Found one! You may in the Houston area and are wondering why there's been an alarming increase in new crystal meth labs, prostitution, and per capita tattoos in your sleepy suburban neighborhood. It may have something to do with the 3,000 parolees in Harris County who are currently unaccounted for by the state's prison system. Don't worry, though, the State has a plan. Call another goddamned redistricting special session (I knew I could work it that in somehow).

C'mon down, folks! Lots of land still available in the Lone Star State!

GOING TO HELL IN A HANDBASKET

My beloved home country of Norbiztania is quickly devolving into a nation that is one part H.P. Lovecraft, three parts Ayn Rand idealized state, two parts crappy Japanimation, one part Beserkley wet dream, and one part apocalyptic prediction by Pat Robertson after the recent Supreme Court sodomy criminalization case. Recent news reports indicate the following disturbing developments:

"Its hard-nosed, hard-working, cynical population of 158 million are rabid consumers, partly through choice and partly because the government tells them to and dissenters tend to vanish from their homes at night.... there have been reports of people marrying housepets, scientists recently cloned the long-extinct feather-bellied pikachu, it is illegal to make racist remarks in public, and organ donation is compulsory."

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. Democracy simply doesn't work.

THERE'S A HOLE IN MY BUCKET....

[Link via Atrios] Not content with intimidating the intelligence community, it appears that the White House is trying to intimidate the Senate Intelligence Committee by floating rumors that Senator Durbin (D-IL) has been leaking specific information that was supposed to be held in closed session, and that other members want him removed from the Committee. Thankfully, it backfired, as everyone in the Senate backed up Durbin, and now appears to be ready to investigate the allegations (posted by me as rock-solid fact, as is my unbalanced prerogative) listed in the "Deep Dark Disturbing Secrets" story.

You know, that Niger story is just such a fart in a hurricane. If the White House considers it so unimportant (going after a Senator and an undercover CIA agent), why can't you? It's like... you know... a third-rate burglary or something.

DEEP, DARK, DISTURBING SECRETS

Look, you hysterical peaceniks and purveyors of incessant envy against George W. Bush, the Niger story doesn't matter. It is so utterly inconsequential, trifling, purportless, dinky, and unimpressive that the Administration will blow the cover off an undercover CIA agent in some child-like retaliatory maneuver agains the diplomat who investigated the claim. Of course, yesterday's White House news conference was dominated by talks of the demise of Saddam's hellspawn (see posting below), but a few journalists managed to actually ask a few questions on the subject (about 3/4ths of the way through):

Q The Robert Novak column last week identified the wife of Ambassador Joseph Wilson as a CIA operative who was working on WMD issues. Novak said that identification is based on information given to him by two administration sources. That column has now given rise to accusations that the administration deliberatively blew the cover of an undercover CIA operative, and in so doing, violated a federal law that prohibits revealing the identity of undercover CIA operatives. Can you respond to that?

MR. McCLELLAN: Thank you for bringing that up. That is not the way this President or this White House operates. And there is absolutely no information that has come to my attention or that I have seen that suggests that there is any truth to that suggestion. And, certainly, no one in this White House would have given authority to take such a step... (break)

Q You're saying, flatly, it did not happen, nobody --

MR. McCLELLAN: I'm telling you, flatly, that that is not the way this White House operates. I've seen no evidence to suggest that there's any truth to that.

Q That's different from saying it didn't happen. Are you saying, absolutely, it did not happen?

MR. McCLELLAN: I'm saying no one was certainly given any authority to do anything of that nature. And I've seen no evidence to suggest there's any truth to it. I want to make it very clear, that is simply not the way this White House operates.


For further analysis, I would suggest checking out Just One Minute and Mark Kleiman. One unasked follow-up question was "Why would we care what a press secretary who's been on the job for less than a week thinks about how the White House operates?" This is truly a Nixonian moment, comparable to the break-in to Daniel Ellsberg's psychiatrist's office, but worse for two reasons: (1) what Ambassador Wilson did was not arguably illegal; (2) it did not compromise the ongoing operations of an undercover agent.

As I've previously stated, it just doesn't pay to be a independent-minded intelligence official in this Administration. All spooks, moles, diplomats, and spies should just get out the biz altogether and start buying fast food franchises (except for Arby's-- we need to quash that epidemic tout suite) in the suburban DC area.

A FRIENDLY REMINDER TO ALL BLOGGERS

To retain your bona-fide red, white, and blue credentials, all persons running a weblog must do a post on the possibility that Qusay and Uday Hussein are dead by 3:00 p.m., CST. This categorical imperative attaches especially if you are slightly left-of-center, opposed the War in Iraq, or have voiced any of your sniveling concerns about the rock-solid veracity of this Administration and its spokespersons. In rushing to post this bit of news (based on Pentagon sources), you will prove that you do not--- I repeat not--- approve of tortuting Olympic athletes, raping women, killing entire families, or drinking Lite beer. Be sure to entitle your post "A Bit of Good News" or "Thank God!" or "Thank G-d!".

Do not wait for independent confirmation. Immediately speculate about what this means for the war effort. Get inside the mind of a loyal Ba'ath henchman. If you're in the Administration apologeia business, allow yourself a brief moment to gloat over the foolishness of lefties and hippies worldwide. You've earned it.
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UPDATE: As if responding to my 3:00 p.m. CST deadline, the military has confirmed it. There's one shopkeeper in Mosul that's going to have a lot of relatives coming out of the woodwork when they find out he just got $30 million ($15 million per son)! A brief word of warning: I may still post in the future concerning the 9/11 report, although my resolve will be sorely tested by the Kobe/PFC Lynch/Uday-Qusay/dead Baylor basketball player news cycle.

GOD HELP ME, I LOVE THIS SON OF A BITCH

The irony detection meters at the Institute for Unintentionally Funny Shit went haywire today over the remarks by Paul Wolfowitz (Under Secretary of Rubbing-Your-Goddamned-Appeasenik-Noses-In-It) in Iraq. "I think all foreigners should stop interfering in the internal affairs of Iraq," said Wolfowitz, who is touring the country to meet U.S. troops and Iraqi officials. "Those who want to come and help are welcome. Those who come to interfere and destroy are not."

Several of his aides blushed in embarrassment. Several members of the press corps covering his visit wet themselves in anticipation of the follow-up question that begged to be asked. When they finally stopped laughing long enough to ask the question, Wolfowitz (a) turned crimson with rage, (b) immediately ingested his "How To Interfere in The Internal Affairs of Syria For $5 Billion A Month" booklet, and (c) threw down a smoke bomb and beat a hasty retreat in the Wolfowitzmobile. [Sorry if you've now read this pithy scenario twice--- it's in the comments at Oliver Willis' site, but his main page is all jacked up right now]

I then re-checked another article concerning Shiite clerics yelling at us to get on up out their country, and found a fortuitous link. Apparently, many of the thousands of protestors mentioned in the article only started going apeshit after a fleet of helicopters started buzzing around the neighborhood: "There had indeed been Apache helicopters overhead and extra troops on the streets, but that was to provide security for a visit by Deputy Defense Secretary Paul Wolfowitz." The clerics replied: "Oh, in that case, it's all good."

Ah, Wolfie. Will you ever win?

SEASON 1, EPISODE 10: "Homer's Night Out"

Featuring the delicious talents of the criminally underused Princess Kashmir. Features the one Bart quote I use when I really want something: "Where's my spy camera? (10x)"
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Marge: Mmmhmmm. Eugene Fisk, isn't he your assistant?
Homer: No! My... supervisor.
Marge: Didn't he used to be your assistant?
Homer: Hey, what is this! The Spanish Exposition?

Marge: Since it's just the four of us tonight, we're having dinner at the Rusty Barnacle.
Bart: Only four of us? Who escaped?

Bart: Jam a dagger in your thigh?
Milhouse: Yup.
Bart: Eat a horse-manure pie?
Milhouse: [pauses] Yup.

Homer: Look Barney, see the row of tiny lights up there? The middle one is my house. Someone must've left the porch light on.
Barney: Hey, that's rough pal. [using the phone] Hello, Marge? You left your damned porch light on! Homer isn't made of money you know!

RICH, RHETORICAL GOODNESS

(1) Who knew that Afghanistan was going to turn out like... er... Afghanistan always does? For those wondering about the length of and/or resolve for the U.S. troops in Iraq, we've now hit the 20-month mark for operations in Afghanistan. Has it appeared on any national newscast that (a) the Taliban is still killing and being killed, (b) Kabul is itself a minor war zone [running contrary to my previous belief that it was the beacon of calm in a country about to disintegrate into feudal warfare], or (c) that the war in Iraq is providing cover for the Taliban's resurgence?

(2) Is anyone discussing the paradoxical possibility that the war in Iraq created potential terrorist alliances and reduced national security? Are we only left with the "he tried to kill my Dad" justification for pre-emptive war?

(3) Is there any doubt that medical malpractice/tort reform movement is basically a wet dream for the insurance industry, completely unsupported by any objective facts? Florida, which is obviously a communist haven for unscrupulous trial lawyers and malingering welfare cases, reports that their "uncapped" system has not deterred doctors from entering the state or caused huge settlements or judgments. In addition, has anyone explained why the $250,000 figure is the cap for non-economic damages? Wasn't that the number first proposed in 1975 for California? Why not just reduce it to zero, for [censored] sake?

NL CENTRAL PREDICTIONS

Home to my favorite team, the Houston Astros (or Disastros, or Lastros), this is a division saved only from "utterly non-compelling" status by the amalgamation of crap teams in the AL Central. Instead of touting the virtues of the Astros franchise, here are a list of reasons that none of the other teams in this abyssmal division will walk away with the NL Central crown, which entitles the victorious team to get swept by the Braves in the first round of the playoffs:

(1) St. Louis Cardinals: Albert Pujols, being some sort of advanced cyborg, will experience a run-time error sometime in early August due to the Trojan virus. Jim Edmonds will explode upon hitting the center field wall in pursuit of a long fly ball. Woody Williams will remember that he is a former University of Houston Cougar and lose his next 11 decisions. Rick Ankiel will return to the rotation and accidentally concuss Tony LaRussa with an errant fastball.

(2) Chicago Cubs: Dusty Baker, after consulting with the scientific tracts of the honorable Elijah Mohammed, will inexplicably pull Mark Prior and Kerry Wood from any further day games at Wrigley Field, instead substituting recently-signed warhorses Ferguson Jenkins and "Oil Can" Boyd. Sammy Sosa will be suspended until the 2007 season for using an aluminum bat.

(3) Cincinnati Reds: Ken Griffey Jr. will break both legs after banging his knee on a coffee table (unfortunately, he beat me to it, tearing asunder a bunch of foot tendons trying to run out a double). The starting pitching will become completely demoralized after giving up 13 runs in a charity father-son game.

(4) Pittsburgh Pirates: Randall Simon will be incarcerated after repeatedly running over the Phillies Phanatic with a golf cart and decapitating the San Diego Chicken. Management will trade Brian Giles and Kris Benson to the Dodgers for a Hickory Farms gift basket.

(5) Milwaukee Brewers: Although their winning the division is completely beyond the realm of possibility in this particular known universe, it should be pointed out that the entire team is regularly drunk, coked up, tripping, and clinically depressed while on the field.