HAPPY FURRY PUPPY STORY TIME WITH NORBIZNESS, version 2.0

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JOHN McENROE SEZ: YOU CAN'T BE SYRIA!

Frankly, I didn't want to post any more on this subject, and then I tripped over "Scaring the Shit Out Of You With Greta van Susteren" on Fox News--- interviewing Judith "Mysteriously Still Employed" Miller, replete with the caption "SYRIAN THREAT". Another thought crossed my mind... isn't September the roll-out month for crazy new products? Then I went to the news summaries of John "Cuba Has Biological Weapons" Bolton's testimony before the House Committee on International Relations:

"There is no graver threat to our country today than states that both sponsor terrorism and possess or aspire to possess weapons of mass destruction... Syria, which offers physical sanctuary and political protection to groups such as Hezbollah, Hamas and Palestinian Islamic Jihad, and whose terrorist operations have killed hundred of innocent people, including Americans, falls into this category of states of potential dual threat."

Well, seeing as I can't handicap Presidential races, and I can't predict the outcome of college football games, I want to be the first person to call "military action against Syria right around Super Tuesday (March) 2004". This post will be deleted if it doesn't happen.

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JOHN BOLTON vs. SYRIA: STEEL CAGE MATCH

Back in mid-July 2003, I did a little post on John Bolton and the drive to use Syria as an exit strategy for the debate over the reasons for going to war with Iraq and the costs of reconstruction (a debate that the Administration is increasingly losing in the court of public opinion and actual facts).

Well, I guess we've reached the tipping point, because Mr. Bolton is going to the House of Representatives today to detail how Syria has contracted the "imminent threat" virus from Iraq. The intelligence community has finally given clearance to his testimony (which it withheld it July), which will include allegations about Syria's WMD programs and their support for Iraqi insurgents. Currently, only economic sanctions are being discussed.

I, of course, don't know whether it's true or not-- although a report delivered by a serial lunatic like Bolton, reported by Judith Miller of all people, starts off in very low standing with me. Add to it the question of the timing of the clearance, and it looks like Foreign Policy Three-Card Monte all over again.

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MORE REASONS TO SET UP CAMP OUTSIDE THE MOVIE THEATER

Culled again from the invaluable Weekly Recap; actors and film titles have been redacted to protect the terminally dull and worthless.

1. This lighthearted comedy concerns a teen and her single mom. But don't worry, I'm sure that there will be stunning cinematic developments that will render this blase plot line totally watchable.

2. It's about an FBI agent forced to go undercover as an assistant cheerleading coach to protect a group of college cheerleaders after they witness a murder. This sounds vaguely familiar. Wasn't this what George C. Scott did in "The Exorcist III"?

3. The story centers on a teenager from Philadelphia whose normal life is turned upside down when he becomes president for the day after winning an essay contest. Look for a cameo appearance by Donald Rumsfeld, complete with an improvised "step into my office... why?... because you're fucking fired" moment.

4. The movie centers on a woman who is determined to find love but is lousy at dating. She then turns to a dating instructor for help. Hilarity ensues for 3 minutes, followed by uncomfortable twittering, followed by abject nausea, followed by the tearing apart of relationships.

5. It's a "Big Chill" for Generation Y. A 20-something three-way on a sleeper sofa to the songs of Toad the Wet Sprocket and the Gin Blossoms? No thanks, Hollywood!

6. The film is a caper story about a secret code in the Constitution that reveals the whereabouts of a treasure buried during the 1700s. Unfortunately, the treasure turns out to be a bunch of extra sets of wooden teeth, hundreds of dollars in defunct Rhode Island currency, and several vials of some sort of anti-venereal disease quack potion.

7. ...about an autistic 15-year-old who uses the sleuthing methods of his idol, Sherlock Holmes, to uncover the killer of a neighbor's dog. Including freebasing and morphine addiction? Encyclopedia Brown meets Rain Man? Feh!

8. ...about a woman who falls in love with a man 15 years her junior because he might just be the reincarnation of her dead high school boyfriend. In other words, it's a gender-reversed remake of that movie I can't remember with Robert Downey Jr. and Cybill Shepherd? Ideas are flowing! Get on the new concepts train!

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GOING NUK-U-LAR

Over at Hesiod's site, there's a suggestion posited by the host that there should be a "nuclear allegation" against the Bush Administration, to wit, 9/11 would not have happened under the watch of Al Gore. Personally, I don't know whether this is true, provable, or necessary. Certainly, I think that the United States would have pursued a more sane, multilateral foreign policy in the aftermath of the attacks, and that we would have done so without utterly turning our government bank account to shit.

Simply put, the nuclear allegation approach is not a viable electoral strategy. I think that it's perfectly legitimate to continue to swing a pick-axe at the wall of secrecy surrounding the whole affair... but that's just doing my job as an American citizen that still clings to the fairy-tale notion that there has to be accountability amongst our elected (and especially unelected) leaders.

In these days of totally corporatized and plugged-in political parties, I don't know that there is any such thing as an ace card. I believe in the slow, inevitable entropy of the President's "mile wide and inch deep" popularity, as shown by recent polls. I also implicitly trust that the economy is a greater concern than terrorism, and that only 9% (wonder which income bracket that is) consider themselves "better off now than they were 2 1/2 years ago". I also believe that the sub-50% approval rating for handling the War in Iraq (down from the 75% at the time of the aircraft carrier stunt) was an inevitability, despite the fucked-up "Iraq involved in 9/11" and "war still worth fighting" numbers. Finally, independents are backing a generic Democratic candidate.

In sum, I agree that (in)competence concerning foreign policy and the economy is pretty much all that the 2004 Election comes down to. Mucking it up with unprovable hypotheticals or nostalgia won't help.

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MUST GET THIS OUT BEFORE WATCHING THE COWBOYS (UPDATE: BARELY WIN BY KICKING SEVEN FIELD GOALS, THE LAST COMING IN OVERTIME BECAUSE OF AN IDIOTIC MOVE BY THE GIANTS)

(1) As Texas rolls headlong into a third special session on redistricting (combined price tag: $5 million), it's always good to know that we're doing our best to solidfy our go-it-alone, Third World backwater status. Apparently, we've decided that we don't need $600 million in federal fund for children's health insurance. But not to worry: if we cut 159,000 children from the rolls in the next two years and eliminate psychiatric, dental, and vision benefits, I'm sure we'll get right back in that compassionate conservative caravan.

(2) As weapons of mass destruction heads towards that great memory hole in the sky, it's always good to remember those days when a significant portion of silly Americans were scared shitless by the imminent threat posed to us by the Iraqi Empire. Noted GOP turncoat John Dean provided a good run-down of eight dubious WMD "facts" in July 2003, as well as a topic he knows all too well: Presidential stonewalling and secrecy.

(3) I've decided to let guest columnist John Stuart Mill put into words my ideas on freedom within the walls of your own home, especially the inalienable right to get baked and watch the extended DVD for "Das Boot". In fact he told me I could use this snippet: "But there is no parity between the feeling of a person for his own opinion, and the feeling of another who is offended at his holding it; no more than between the desire of a thief to take a purse, and the desire of the right owner to keep it."

(4) Spy Agencies Warned Of Iraqi Resistance: Because this directly contradicts the unimpeachable testimony of the Vice President in the Superior Court of Meet The Press, I must conclude that these spy agencies didn't know what the hell they were talking about. I await daily confirmation of this fact.

(5) Obligatory Article Demonstrating Obstinance in "Not Moving On" Past The Questioning of Pre-9/11 Activities. Nothing to see here, independent commission. Please disperse!

EMERGING FROM HIS SUBTERRANEAN FORTRESS OF BUSITUDE.... (Part 2/2)

Roundups of today's "Meet the Press" seance with Dick Cheney appear here, here, and here. I'm sure I'd have a little more fun with the actual transcript, but I think we can all agree that somebody of my preeminence is allowed a little shoddiness now and again:

(1) "Vice President Dick Cheney said on Sunday the United States had 'turned the corner' to economic recovery and he expected GDP growth next year of 4 percent or better." Unfortunately, 97% of this growth will be concentrated in the underused "foreign pipeline laying" and "fire extinguishing" industries.

(2) "Nearly six in 10 of those polled were critical of the way Bush has handled the federal budget, which the White House says will top $525 billion next year. With deficits projected for the next 10 years, Cheney said he expected it to be halved in five years time." Wow, $260 billion deficits by 2008. This is truly a grand accomplishment by the party of fiscal responsibility.

(3) "Cheney insisted that evidence will be found to back up the administration's claims that the government of ousted President Saddam Hussein had weapons of mass destruction." Say what now?

(4) "Said 'I have to assume' that there will be another attack on the United States." Shit, I hope his track record for shitty predictions holds true for this one.

(5) "Vice President Dick Cheney hinted Sunday that the Bush administration would seek more money than the $87 billion already requested to pay mainly for postwar costs in Iraq." OK, we'll give him this one.

(6) "Said he had no involvement in a large no-bid contract for work in Iraq to a subsidiary of Halliburton, the company Cheney once led. "As vice president, I have absolutely no influence of, involvement of, knowledge of, in any way, shape or form, of contracts'". Yes, I know it's technically not a prediction. However, I predict that he will have a great career in Steven Wright-like stand up comedy beginning in January 2005.

I know everybody's looking for fair and balanced reaction to the VP's appearance, so for that purpose I'm linking to this positively fawning review. If Cheney's looking for a nice deadpan comedian to open up for him...
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UPDATE: Everyone's favorite graphics-intensive blog, Uggabugga, has obtained the transcript from Cheney's appearance and has beaten the everlasting crap out of it. By the way, the Grim Visage of Death mentioned 9/11 25 times.

"RUSSERT: Mr. Horse, what do you think about the continuing exploitation of this national tragedy? MR. HORSE: Well, sir... I don't like it!"

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EMERGING FROM HIS SUBTERRANEAN FORTRESS OF BUSITUDE.... (Part 1/2)

Vice President Emeritus Dick Cheney regales Tim Russert with tales of wonderment and whimsy. Russert, slack-jawed open receptacle for administration propaganda, may have done a better job cross-examining the VP on issues of national security and the economy this time around (I wouldn't know, I was watching the pre-game run-up to the Houston Texans). However, let's harken back to a happier time in human history: March 16, 2003, as America prepares to somberly go to war. Let's examine the track record of the alleged "brains" behind the present Administration:

(1) "RUSSERT: What do you think is the most important rationale for going to war with Iraq? VICE PRES. CHENEY: Well, I think I’ve just given it, Tim, in terms of the combination of his development and use of chemical weapons, his development of biological weapons, his pursuit of nuclear weapons."

(2) "MR. RUSSERT: If your analysis is not correct, and we’re not treated as liberators, but as conquerors, and the Iraqis begin to resist, particularly in Baghdad, do you think the American people are prepared for a long, costly, and bloody battle with significant American casualties? VICE PRES. CHENEY: Well, I don’t think it’s likely to unfold that way, Tim, because I really do believe that we will be greeted as liberators."

(3) "CHENEY: He’s always had the option of coming clean, of complying with the resolution, of giving up all of his weapons of mass destruction, of making his scientists available without fear of retribution, turning over the anthrax, and the VX nerve agent, and the sarin, and of the other capabilities he has developed, and he has consistently refused."

(4) "CHENEY: We know he’s reconstituted these programs since the Gulf War. We know he’s out trying once again to produce nuclear weapons and we know that he has a long-standing relationship with various terrorist groups, including the al-Qaeda organization."

Ummmm... well, older and wiser, as they say. Part two will lay out Dick "Criswell" Cheney's current predictions.

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WEEKEND BILE AND PROPAGANDA POSTERS

Poster 1: I never said "Mission: Accomplished". I said that major combat operations were over, but we could slowly expect guerrilla firefights, bombing of civilian targets, inter-religious and ethnic flare-ups, and another $100 billion in costs for Fiscal Year 2004. Didn't I?

Poster 2: Nothing soothes my unease about erosion of the 4th Amendment like a crypto-fascist administration apologist telling me "you've got nothing to worry about." It's totally Morning in America.

Poster 3: Why does the protestor look like a Joad? You must take care to remember that all protests and criticism are invalidated by the statements of a Bali bomber as he's sentenced to death. In fact, criticizing this inane line of reasoning may itself provide material support for the forces arrayed against us.

Poster 4: Just to let you know I'm non-partisan, although not really. By my advanced econometric calculations, I'd say we actually have 1.38 political parties in America. Doesn't Switzerland have 23 or something? And they're fucking neutral, for shit's sake!

Poster 5: There's nothing that gets those latent patriotic fluids flowing like some pasty cable news commentator with waving American flag and terror alert level graphics. Now get me some 1980 U.S. Embassy archival footage so I can start hatin' on Iran, you goobers.

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BURNT-ORANGE-LIGHT SPECIAL

Looks like this deal has just come on the market. Have a small college or high school football team that is consistently overperforming? Are you sick of the heartbreak of your team always giving 110% and taking it one game at a time? Do you need more rote predictability and the coaching skills of roadkill in your football program?

Well, have I got a deal for you. For a pack of chewing gum, a used hamster, and all the spare change in your couch, I can hook you up (no pun intended) with University of Texas head football coach Mack Brown. If you take advantage of this limited time offer, you also get dull, uninspired offensive coordinator Greg Davis and clinically brain-dead defensive coordinator Carl Reese.

Take advantage of this offer by the time the Horns get their yearly beat-down at the hands of the Oklahoma Sooners. Please. For the love of God.

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WE'RE GOING TO GO AHEAD AND NEED YOU TO START THINKING ABOUT DEVELOPING A BETTER ATTITUDE, PETER

As a die-hard office drone, raised on recirculated air and shitty coffee, I definitely appreciated Bill's Office Tips For Retards. Perhaps they can be incorporated into "Office Space 2". I added a few extra office conversation pieces that invariably thrill and delight me, if by "thrill and delight" you mean kill me right the fuck now:

(1) Please, tell me more about your 8-year-old son's pee-wee football game. I must have missed the extensive coverage of the event on Sportscenter.

(2) Really? Is that how that diet works? That's pretty fucking interesting! And you say you're on it?

(3) Allergies? In this day and age? Who would have thunk it?

(4) Please, for the love of Christ, don't spoil this week's "Sex in the City" for me! I haven't seen it yet! I know! It's like the best show ever!

(5) Wow, you miss so much by not watching fourteen hours of E! red carpet coverage of the Daytime Emmy Awards. What was Lorenzo Lamas wearing, again?

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ANIMAL, VEGETABLE, OR MINERAL?

Selected answers. For the full scoop, click on the above link, which has been quoted and reproduced at length by people who have much deeper pockets than I do.

1. What did National Security Adviser Condoleezza Rice tell President Bush about al Qaeda threats against the United States in a still-secret briefing on Aug. 6, 2001?

I believe that you're confusing some conversation that never happened with an extensive 45-minute briefing on the late fees and penalties charged by the Crawford Blockbuster franchise.

2. Why did Attorney General John Ashcroft and some Pentagon officials cancel commercial-airline trips before Sept. 11?

There was a "calico cats fly free" promotion offered by Delta? He thought that fluffing a pillow was a form of prohibited sexual contact? He hallucinated a gremlin on the wing of the airplane, tearing out vital wires?

3. Who made a small fortune "shorting" airline and insurance stocks before Sept. 11?

Biff Tannen?

6. Why did the NORAD air defense network fail to intercept the four hijacked jets?

The main supercomputer was too busy playing a nice game of tic-tac-toe?

7. Why did President Bush continue reading a story to Florida grade-schoolers for nearly a half-hour during the worst attack on America in its history?

I believe that the Showtime movie on the subject conclusively shows that this is a horrific, baseless allegation. Next question, stinky!

9. Was Zacarias Moussaoui really "the 20th hijacker"?

We prefer to think of him as "Wrong-Way Zacarias" or "The Littlest Hijacker".

10. Where are the planes' "black boxes"?

Jerry Seinfeld, lead FTA investigator, answers with his own question: "Why don't they make the whole plane out of black box material? And Wheat Thins! What is up with those?"

11. Why were Donald Rumsfeld and other U.S. officials so quick to link Saddam Hussein to the attacks?

(a) Because it's true, silly! 70% of the American public can't be wrong, large box office receipts for Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star notwithstanding! (b) questioning the wisdom of Secretary Rumsfeld only encourages terrorists to form fictitious alliances.

13. Why did the Bush administration lie about dangerously high levels of toxins and hazardous particles after the WTC collapse?

According to James Watt, only trees produce dangerous toxins and hazardous materials. Collapsing asbestos-filled buildings filled with electrical devices produce a sweet spring bouquet. Here's an EPA pamphlet proving it.

14. Where is Dick Cheney's undisclosed location?

He is currently posing as a Sunglass Hut salesperson at the Mall of the Americas until his indestructible robot body is completed at Langley Air Force Base.

15. What happened to the more than $1 billion that Americans donated after the attack?

Funny you should ask that question right after #14.

17. Who killed five Americans with anthrax?

Look, we tried an 8-minute America's Most Wanted segment on this. Obviously it's just one of life's great mysteries.

19. What is in the 28 blacked-out pages of the congressional Sept. 11 report?

A bunch of diagrams with large arrows connecting dollar signs to a certain crafty little Middle Eastern country without whose previous natural resources we'd wither up and die like one of my neglected house plants? Or maybe it's just copyrighted song lyrics.

20. Where is Osama bin Laden?

I say this without the slightest hint of irony or disgust: Can't you move on already?

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IT'S 9/12 NOW. CARPING MORATORIUM OVER.

From a recent Washington Post article: "Every day, I'm reminded about what 9/11 means to America," Bush said when asked in July about the $170 million budget for his primary campaign, where he has no opponent. "We're still threatened," he said, explaining that he wants to "continue doing my job, and my job will be to work to make America more secure."

For a partial transcript of the press conference where 9/11 was used to justify $2,000 a plate hot dog lunches, see here. For a prescient Propaganda Remix poster, see here.

To my bestest buddy, Karl Rove: I wish you good luck and godspeed in brainwashing the Commander in Chief to the point that he doesn't look like a shameless exploiter of the dead during the September 2004 Republican National Convention in New York.

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JOHNNY CASH, 1932-2003

Well you wonder why I always dress in black
Why you never see bright colors on my back
And why does my appearance seem to have a somber tone
Well there's a reason for the things that I have on

I wear the black for the poor and the beaten down
Livin' in the hopeless hungry side of town
I wear it for the prisoner who has long paid for his crime
But is there because he's a victim of the times

I wear the black for those who've never read
Or listened to the words that Jesus said
About the road to happiness through love and charity
Why you'd think he's talking straight to you and me

Well we're doin' mighty fine I do suppose
In our streak of lightning cars and fancy clothes
But just so we're reminded of the ones who are held back
Up front there oughta be a man in black

I wear it for the sick and lonely old
For the reckless ones whose bad trip left them cold
I wear the black in morning for the lives that could have been
Each week we lose a hundred fine young men

And I wear it for the thousands who have died
Believin' that the Lord was on their side
I wear it for another hundred thousand who have died
Believin' that we all were on their side

Well there's things that never will be right I know
And things need changin' everywhere you go
But till we start to make a move to make a few things right
You'll never see me wear a suit of white

Oh I'd love to wear a rainbow every day
And tell the world that everything's okay
But I'll try to carry off a little darkness on my back
Till things're brighter I'm the man in black

MY PERSONAL HERO, AND I DON'T USE THE WORD HERO VERY OFTEN

Judge: Mr. Hutz we've been in here for four hours. Do you have any evidence at all?
Hutz: Well, Your Honor. We've plenty of hearsay and conjecture. Those are kinds of evidence.

Bart: So you don't work on a contingency basis?
Hutz: No, money down! Oops, I shouldn't have the Bar Association logo here either. [Hutz eats ad]

Hutz: Well, for a case this complex, I had to assemble a crack team of lawyers: Ronald Shaporo, trial attorney--- Albert Dershman, who can hold three billiard balls in his mouth.

Hutz: Mr. Mayor, is it true you rigged the election?
Sideshow Bob: No, I did not.
Hutz: [pause] Kids, help.

Hutz: And as for your case, don't you worry. I've argued in front of every judge in this state--often as a lawyer. [drinks his Orange Julius]

Hutz: Mr. Simpson, don't you worry. I watched Matlock in a bar last night. The sound wasn't on, but I think I got the gist of it.

Lisa: Mr. Hutz, why are you burning all of your personal papers?
Hutz: As of now, Lionel Hutz no longer exists. Say hello to Miguel Sanchez!

Hutz: (watching L.A. Law) Oh, sure, like lawyers work in big skyscrapers and have secretaries. Look at him! He's wearing a belt. That's Hollywood for ya.

Judge: Hmmm. Mr. Hutz, do you know that you're not wearing any pants?
Hutz: DAAAA!! I move for a bad court thingy.
Judge: You mean a mistrial?
Hutz: Right!! That's why you're the judge and I'm the law-talking guy.
Judge: You mean the lawyer?
Hutz: Right.

Lisa: You're a latter-day Clarence Darrow!
Hutz: Uh...wasn't he the black guy on The Mod Squad?

Hutz: Uh-oh. We've drawn Judge Snyder.
Marge: Is that bad?
Hutz: Well, he's kind of had it in for me, since I accidently ran over his dog. Actually, replace "accidently" with "repeatedly", and replace "dog" with "son".

Hutz: Don't worry, Homer. I have a foolproof strategy to get you out of here. Surprise witnesses, each more surprising than the last. The judge won't know what hit him.

Hutz: Mr. Simpson, this is the most blatant case of fraudulent advertising since my suit against the film, "The Never-Ending Story".
Homer: So. Do you think I have a case?
Hutz: Homer, I don't use the word "hero" very often, but you are the greatest hero in American history.

Hutz: Mr. Simpson, the state bar forbids me from promising you a big cash settlement. But just between you and me, I promise you a big cash settlement.

MEMORIAL MISUSE OF 9/11 MIDWEEK LINK-A-THON

(1) The War In Iraq Is Not Over: If you're looking for a halfway serious, semi-scholarly fisking of the President's Sunday Iraq telethon, here it is.

(2) If It's One Thing We've Learned From 9/11, It's To Expect Stupid Ass Shit to Be Rolled Out on Its Anniversary: Hooray for Patriot Act II! The link is from the great people at Talk Left. Let's see--- what does Cravenly Accepting Pandering Legislation Augmenting National Decay spell? Crapland?

(3) Also originally found via Talk Left, you would assume that the Patriot Act only deals with foreign terrorists and terrorism-related crimes, right? Think again, slappy.

(4) Other's People Sacrifice: Looks like Paul Krugman, that shrill (so shrill that only bats and other big-eared creatures can hear his screeching) bastard from the ivory towers, has accepted my personal Bush/Cheney 2004 Campaign slogan: "Sacrifice is For Chump Ass Bitches"!

(5) "We've given the Taliban and al Qaeda an opportunity to retrench and to start to come back... and that should be a real warning call for everybody that there's a lot more still to be done in Afghanistan" Never forget what again now?

(6) The further we get away from the day of the tragedy itself, the less true the introductory clause "if we've learned ANYTHING from 9/11, it's..." becomes. People will learn what they want to learn. I learned that Kristen Breitweiser (a 9/11 widow) is one of the funniest, most bittersweet people around. Who else could deliver such a blistering take-down of Showtime's attempts to channel the recently deceased Leni Riefenstahl? (sit through the ACLU ad, it won't kill you).

(7) Reiterating my Pledge For Tomorrow: Typing my rememberances (as somebody safely in Austin who didn't know anyone who lives in New York, much less anyone hurt or killed in the attack) is an empty, pithy exercise. All I can hope is that the Independent 9/11 Commission gets the funding and cooperation it needs, and that it produces a report acceptable not to the pundits or the blogosphere, but to those people whose lives were directly affected by the tragedies. Anything less, in the words of a Charles Barkley shaving commercial, would be uncivilized.

For the record, all the political points were scored at 6:30 p.m. CST, 9/10/03. It's all Deep Thoughts With Jack Handey, Simpsons quotes, and some of my favorite Onion articles tomorrow. Take it easy.

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NEW BLOGS FOR A HAPPY TUESDAY

Yes, I visit these places from time to time, and once again, I implore you: read them and only them. Read anything else, and you're hindering our war effort, subsidizing the whacking of kittens on their adorable little heads, promoting atheism in bridge clubs, making impressionable children listen to .38 Special, artificially prolonging the movie career of Ben "Dolphin Assface" Affleck, urinating on the graves of Civil War heroes, and causing the Miami Dolphins to inexplicably lose games against second-year teams. For shame!

Oh yes, the websites: The Agitator, Corrente, The Daily Rant, Brad DeLong, Dohiyi Mir, Heretical Ideas, How Appealing, Lean Left, Nitpicker, Rantavation, The Sideshow, Sports Blog (yours truly is a theoretical contributor), The Talking Dog, TBOGG, Uggabugga, and Wampum.

If they all give me $2.50, I may be able to get a season's pass to the local Luby's breakfast buffet.

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I CAN"T HELP IT, I GOTTA TELL YA.... PROPOSITION 12 IS A GODDAMNED JOKE!

(Apologies to Marc Katz of Katz's Deli in Austin for co-opting his slogan). It looks like Texas' proposed constitutional amendment to allow insurance companies to determine jury awards (Proposition 12) is getting some wider play on vastly more influential blogs, including the Daily Kos, as well as committed Texas bloggers like Off the Kuff, The Burnt Orange Report, and Annatopia, who provided what very well could be the best summary of this Trojan Horse of industry crapulence:

"Supporters claim that by capping medical malpractice lawsuits, Texans won't pay higher insurance rates or premiums. Well here's my question: if this amendment is only related to medical malpractice, why are Exxon Mobil and Walmart the major corporate backers of the bill?"

Other points of interest: (1) voting on this travesty is being held THIS SATURDAY (September 13, 2003) away from more populated odd-year mayoral elections; (2) many voting places won't be open, so show up early and find out what's up; (3) there is no available evidence which shows that capping non-economic damages (at 1975 California levels) has any effect on malpractice premiums; (3a) the answer (bizarrely enough), it's insurance reform. However, the doctors would rather attack patients and their attorneys than the grotesque bastards who will continue to screw them on malpractice insurance; (4) if you think it's about malpractice only, there's open-ended language in the Constitutional amendment ("and other actions"--- think class actions, manufacturing defects, toxic torts, etc.)/ Therefore, you have what amounts to a GOP wet dream of a neutered judiciary in Texas.

Let me amplify point #3: Florida recently had its own malpractice farce, and the GOP rammed the program through despite a total lack of evidence that malpractice rates were tied to jury awards, or that medical access was being limited. California found that rates went up 450% in the 13 years after its caps were originally passed. A General Accounting Office report confirmed these results.

Please, don't let Texas become more obscenely ridiculous than it already is. Find a polling place and vote on Saturday.

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AMAZINGLY ENOUGH, NON-SONIC-RELATED NEWS STORIES

Finely aged just past the time frame when everyone else in the blogosphere has flogged these stories to death. Too many lost weekends on this end, I guess.

(1) Strangely Familiar Grades for Dubya: The American Society of Civil Engineers, a notorious Bolshevik organization, has given what appear to be nearly failing marks for American infrastructure (which I still maintain is a made-up word). As nearly $90 billion goes to Iraq, the terrorist known as entropy works its lovable magic on dams, bridges, airports, and roads.

(2) Another 1.3 Million Lucky Duckies: Come on now--- if you, your wife, and your two kids can't make do on $370 per week, you just haven't explored the wondrous possibilities of squatting in abandoned manufacturing plants.

(3) Couldn't Possibly Be the Reason for a Prime-Time Speech: 45% favorable, 54% unfavorable. 40% re-elect, 52% nope. For further large samplings of irrational enclaves of anti-Bush Americans, see the most recent Polling Report.

(4) I think I might have seen an actual story about Afghanistan on CNN this afternoon. Do you think they should just rename the country Kabulistan and take off?

(5) OK, You're Not a Conflicted Enron Whore-- For Now: Dismal? Haphazard? Anemic? Totally inadequate? Is this any way to repay the guy who forced you to resign?

(6) Even The Lunatic Washington Times... : It's not really news when a covert socialist organization like the Joints Chiefs of Staff leaks a report critical of the Administration to a pacifist, objectively pro-Saddam newspaper like the Washington Times.

Oh shit! Upon actually reading this, we learn that (a) the war plan was approved in August 2002; (b) there were insufficient resources to hunt for WMDs; (c) insufficient time was given for "Phase IV", i.e. reconstruction; (d) there was no interagency cooperation between the Defense and State Departments; (e) the troop deployment mix was botched up. Well, this is the first I've ever heard of it. Thanks, Washington Times!

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NOW SONIC GETS THE BUSINESS

Seriously, has anyone every really had a pleasant dining experience in their 1992 Nissan Sentra at one of these places? Some truth-in-advertising ideas:

1. Multiracial kids’ chorus “We HATE you, Sonic!”

2. “Are you tired of being tricked into eating at Sonic?” (this came about because of the urban legend that our local Sonic was handing out Schlitterbahn coupons, an abject falsehood)

3. It’s best not to open up the bun and look at the burger. That would be totally self-defeating, unless you were anorexic.

4. “Why not complement your foot-long chili-cheese coney and mozzarella sticks with a cold, refreshing 64 ounce Dr. Pepper? Trust me, you’re going to need every last ounce of soft drink to rid your of the bungholian aftertaste.”

4a. (Man bites into foot-long chili-cheese coney) “Dear Lord, I’ve made a horrible mistake.”

5. “And remember, Thursday is expired food in a garbage bag day. Buy a smoothie or banana split, and get five minutes to rummage around in our dumpster of delight!”

6. Warning! Actual Carhops May Vary! (I have yet to see a 17-year-old perky blonde work at any Sonic. Most look like Lord of the Rings extras.)

7. “Now proudly ruining breakfast!”

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TOP TEN GROANERS FROM LAST NIGHT'S SPEECH THAT I DIDN'T WATCH BECAUSE THE TITANS-RAIDERS PRE-GAME SHOW WAS ON, OR THERE WAS A REALLY SWEET SANFORD AND SON ON NICK AT NITE-- I CAN'T REALLY REMEMBER

(1) These months have been a time of new responsibilities, and sacrifice, and national resolve and great progress.

In terms of sacrifice, Condoleeza Rice has donated her nylons to the war effort and Vice President Dick Cheney is only taking a $17 million under-the-table bonus from Halliburton, instead of the $18.5 million he was originally slated to receive.

(2) And we acted in Iraq, where the former regime sponsored terror, possessed and used weapons of mass destruction, and for 12 years defied the clear demands of the United Nations Security Council.

On a related note, everything I said here was technically true. You might think it means "he just used WMDs and worked with Osama bin Laden to bomb the World Trade Center" instead of "he gassed Kurds in 1988 and paid off a hijacker in 1986"-- and frankly, I'm not going to try and stop you.

(3) The triumph of democracy and tolerance in Iraq, in Afghanistan and beyond would be a grave setback for international terrorism. The terrorists thrive on the support of tyrants and the resentments of oppressed peoples.

The triumph of democracy in Saudi Arabia, however, would make gas go to $12 a gallon, and we're not going to subject the American people to that sort of mind-bending trade-off.

(4) Two years ago, I told the Congress and the country that the war on terror would be a lengthy war, a different kind of war, fought on many fronts in many places.

After all, Israel has fought terrorism in an area the size of Connecticut for 35 years with no apparent success, so I'm sure that we'll eliminate worldwide Islamic fundamentalism just in time for the GOP convention next fall.

(5) America has done this kind of work before. Following World War II, we lifted up the defeated nations of Japan and Germany, and stood with them as they built representative governments.

I see that White House speechwriters have finally picked up on utterly false blogospheric analogies to jam into the President's speeches. I can't seem to remember American servicemen dying during those reconstructions.

(6) Our strategy in Iraq has three objectives: destroying the terrorists, enlisting the support of other nations for a free Iraq and helping Iraqis assume responsibility for their own defense and their own future.

Much like a lifetime .224 hitter trying to connect with a Randy Johnson fastball after an all-night cocaine bender, we're 0 for 3.

(7) Our military commanders in Iraq advise me that the current number of American troops -- nearly 130,000 -- is appropriate to their mission. They are joined by over 20,000 service members from 29 other countries.

I totally insisted that we should have more, but godDAMN those military commanders were dead-set on 130,000.

(8) Our strategy in Iraq will require new resources. We have conducted a thorough assessment of our military and reconstruction needs in Iraq, and also in Afghanistan. I will soon submit to Congress a request for $87 billion.

These "new resources", of course, will not include corporate taxes or that much-vaunted Iraqi oil revenue. No, these are mythical phantom fairy resources, like a Platinum Discover Card for a bankrupt crackhead.

(9) Later this month, Secretary Powell will meet with representatives of many nations to discuss their financial contributions to the reconstruction of Afghanistan.

He will be standing in front of the United Nations Building, dressed up like Samuel L. Jackson from "The Caveman's Valentine", holding a dirty brown fedora, and screaming loudly about the CIA microchips in his dental work. I suggest you hand over the Afghanistan money before he completely loses it.

(10) Thank you, and may God continue to bless America.

He's doing what now?

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ATTENTION! MILLIONS OF LOYAL, VOTING-ELIGIBLE TEXAS READERS

There is generally high turnout in November elections, because there are city-wide elections for mayor in large metropolitan areas (Houston, Dallas, San Antonio). Of course, that's why the Republican Legislature scheduled voting on Proposition 12 (damage caps on malpractice lawsuits) for September 13th. As close as the polling is on this subject, a few thousands votes either way by ideologues on either side probably swings it. The turnout is likely to be abyssmal. I'll reprint an e-mail from one of my many anonymous contributors here, and I won't be fair and balanced in the other direction:

"Early voting is under way. The last day to vote is September 13th. Yes, Prop 12 is the damage cap. No, doctors are not leaving the state (link to statistics). Yes, doctors' insurance rates are rising (generally reducing their incomes from approximately $400,000 per year to $350,000). No, the rate increases are not related to malpractice suits, but to declining income on insurance companies 'floats', i.e. stock market returns.

All that bullshit aside, there is one real reason to vote NO: The change represents a dramatic shift in power from the judiciary (ed: and juries) to the legislature. For a variety of reasons, special interests (left-wing or right-wing lunatics) generally have a more difficult time packing courts than bribing legislators.

Go Vote."
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PROPAGANDA, PART ONE

Everybody's favorite martini-drinking, brie-eating foreign policy wonk about town, Josh Marshall, has come up with a truly inspired comparison between Paul Wolfowitz and everybody's favorite game show host, Baghdad Bob. While stories abound concerning potential reduction in forces, spiralling costs for reconstruction, and intra-Administration squabbles over whether to cede U.S. control to the U.N., ol' Wolfie claims that "we're still in control, it's the U.N. that's changed it's mind because of the bombing in Baghdad."

I see. So those "stuff it up your ass" stories are merely puffery and propaganda from the chastened Europeans? The analysis which says that "If the Americans had come up with this draft in, say, July, it would have found a much more positive reaction" means that the world community is, in essence, saying "Thank you sir, may I have another?"

Of course, this head-dizzying line of reasoning about who's coming to who for help in Iraq is merely the latest in a long line of Comical Ali moments from this Administration. (1) "I swear to you, the country is getting fat off the jobs created by the President's tax cuts!"; (2) "We never said that we would be greeted with roses! If we did, it was to infuriate the terrorists into making a mistake! So you see, there is truly flypaper!"; (3) "The so-called half-trillion dollar deficit is nothing but filthy lies being spread around by the infidel jackals at the Congressional Budget Office!"; and (4) "There is no country called Afghanistan! Next question please!"
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GAME OVER, MAN! GAME O-VER!

As Senator John Whitmire (ADHD-Houston) returns to Texas, thereby precipitating what could very well be endgame in the ongoing redistricting fiasco (remember, the best redistricting coverage is on Off the Kuff), it's time to play guess the mystery quote (and the mystery year in which it originated):

"I believe Texans would be even more disappointed if we expend considerable sums of taxpayer money to call the legislature into a special session that has no promise of yielding a redistricting plan for Congress."

I know that there's a state of being called "beneath contempt". Is there one for "beneath laughing-stock"?
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SPOT THE EMERGING 2004 CAMPAIGN SLOGAN

I still like "Sacrifice is For Chumps: Bush/Cheney 2004".

1) State, Cities Struggle With Security

2) Pentagon May Have to Reduce U.S. Forces

3) Benficiaries of Most Recent Tax Cut

4) $65 Billion More for Iraq, Deficit Closing in on $600 Billion

5) Veterans Hosed by VA Budget

6) (via Democratic Veteran): Security Compromised at Entry Points

It's like racking up $10,000 worth of debt on your credit card for a vacation cruise and neglecting to make your car payment or pay your electricity bill. After you've lost your job.
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REVENGE OF THE SON OF THE PRESIDENT'S LABOR DAY SPEECH (part 3/3)

We've also got to make sure that our people get the right skills. Listen, technology changes. I understand that. You know that.

I mean, have you seen all the accessories you can get with a Game Boy these days? We all live in very interesting times.

And finally, I want to talk about another issue right quick -- or two other issues right quick. One of them is this country needs an energy policy. (Applause.) If you rely upon a manufacturing base for job employment, you need energy. We need a policy.

This is painful, like the Electric Company's silhouetted mouths: Energy… policy…. Energy… policy…. Energy Policy!

I've been talking about this for a couple of years. Congress needs to get me an energy bill. You learned firsthand what it means to have a -- what it means to modernize the electricity grid, if you know what I mean. (Laughter.)

Yeah, I almost took a shotgun and started picking off my neighbors, who I thought were power-plant-busting terrorists! Good times!

I'll tell you what else we need to do. We need to use our technologies to be able to explore for energy in environmentally friendly ways. For the sake of national security, for the sake of economic security, we need to become less dependent on foreign sources of energy. (Applause.)

{Hello, Saudi Arabia? I’m speaking to you with my mind now. Please don’t take the pureed crap I’m spewing to these yokels seriously. We need your shit worse than William S. Burroughs needed his black tar heroin.}

We not only want to make sure our people can find jobs and work, like the people pushing this big equipment around -- but we want people driving on better roads. (Applause.) We want to be able to deal with congestion so we can get our people moving around.

The thoroughfares leading to the unemployment offices, bars, racetracks, gentleman’s clubs, and United Way shelters must be wide to accommodate all the traffic.

On Labor Day, we're committed to helping those who have got a job keep a job, and committed to those who are looking for work to find a job. That's the commitment of this Labor Day. (Applause.)

It expires in precisely (checking watch, asking aide for help) eleven hours. Enjoy, Mr. Bond!

We're also committed to our freedom and to peace. And we will stay on the offensive to protect our freedom. And we will stay with the notion that the more free societies are, the more peaceful they become. See, we love freedom and we love peace in America, and we intend to make the world a more peaceful place. This country will lead the world to peace. (Applause.)

If the preceding paragraph made any sense to you, or heartened you, get the fuck off of my webpage and never come back.

There's a cultural change taking place, it seems like to me, and that is, we're getting away from the era that said, it feels good, just go ahead and do it, and if you've got a problem, blame somebody else -- to an era where in which each of understands we're responsible for the decisions we make in life.

Trifecta! Congress! Clinton’s schlong! The U.N.! Satan! Socialists!

Let us honor those who work to make our society and country a more compassionate place by helping a neighbor in need, by doing your job as a citizen of the country, by being a patriotic person, which means more than just putting your hand over your heart.

It means taking your hand off your heart, placing it on your credit card, and shopping like there’s no tomorrow. It also means using your hands to write down license plates of cars with “No Blood for Oil” bumperstickers.

May God bless you all, and may God continue to bless America. Thank you all. (Applause.)

In the words of Christopher Walken in Dead Zone, "'Bless me'? Do you know what God did for me? He threw an 18-wheeled truck at me and bounced me into nowhere for five years! When I woke up, my girl was gone, my job was gone, my legs are just about useless... Blessed me?! God's been a real sport to me!"
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TREMBLE BEFORE THE LABOR DAY SPEECH OF YOUR PRESIDENT (part 2)!

In 1908, the average factory worker had to labor for more than two years to buy a Model-T -- more than two years of work to buy a car. Today, you can buy a family vehicle for about seven months of salary.

Have you considered the Lincoln Navigator, which seats 8 comfortably and has a built-in DVD player to entertain the kids? Have I mentioned the rich Corinthian leather interior?

The first quarter of 2001, we were in recession. But we acted to come out of that recession. We acted with tax relief. And it created big noise and big debate in Washington. But here's what I believe and here is what I know. When you've got more money in your pocket, it means you're going to spend or save and invest.

This doesn’t apply to those lucky sons of bitches that aren’t paying into the system, unburdened of their job or “choosing poverty”. And we in the government have heeded your example and spent $500 billion this year in money we don’t even have! How about that?

They tell me it was a shallow recession. It was a shallow recession because of the tax relief. Some say, well, maybe the recession should have been deeper. That bothers me when people say that. You see, a deeper recession would have meant more families would have been out of work.

In other words, 4 million people losing their job chaps my hide, but 3 million people out of work is just the type of sacrifice one would expect for the Halliburton and Lockheed bottom line.

No, we did the right thing with tax relief. And we were beginning to pull out when the terrorists hit us. And they struck us hard. It cost our American economy about $80 billion. The attack of September the 11th had a high price tag to it.

And I’ve done my level best to totally exacerbate those costs. You might expect that a “war” would actually produce jobs, especially in the infrastructure. Well, I don’t know what infrastructure means, or whether it’s an actual word.

And now the message is clear: if you don't tell the truth, there is going to be serious consequences. We expect the best out of corporate America. (Applause.)

Holy shit, they actually cheered that. I’ve got to remember to give my crowd selectors an extra big bonus this year.

And yet the economy was still bumping along. We hadn't recovered from all the challenges, and so we passed tax relief again. I called upon Congress to pass the jobs and growth package, and we lowered taxes once again to create jobs.

It didn’t work, but you will do well to remember how unbelievably bold it was.

If you pay taxes, you deserve relief. Three million people are now off the tax rolls.

Forever and ever and ever.

I want you to understand that I understand that Ohio manufactures are hurting, that there's a problem with the manufacturing sector. And I understand for a full recovery, to make sure people can find work, that manufacturing must do better. And we've lost thousands of jobs in manufacturing.

[Aide whispers: Sir, that’s “millions”. Bush: Shut up! Aide: No, I’m not kidding. Bush: You really think anyone’s going to pick up on that, you pantywaist? Aide: They picked up on Dean being off by 10% on the number of troops in Iraq; you’re off by a factor of one thousand here! Bush: I’m not Howard Fucking Dean, dumbass! Now back off! I’m rollin’ here!]
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A BRIEF UPDATE ON A FLEDGLING HELLHOLE

Perhaps spurred on by the increasingly Malthusian news coming out of the Texas Legislature and its budget/priorities, I have decided to make the Disputed Territories of Norbiztania (motto: "Don't Bogart That Joint, Asshole!") as forbidding a stronghold of perverted values as possible. Currently, the unfortunate populace can expect the following:

"Its hard-nosed, hard-working, cynical population of 404 million are ruled with an iron fist by the corrupt, dictatorship government, which oppresses anyone who isn't on the board of a Fortune 500 company. Large corporations tend to be above the law, and use their financial clout to gain ever-increasing government benefits at the expense of the poor and unemployed."

and

"The country's famous rainforests are being bulldozed by the mining industry, billions of pokemon cards are being poured into a space program, and the streets are increasingly clogged with poverty-stricken beggars. Crime is pervasive. Norbiztania's national animal is the pikachu, which teeters on the brink of extinction due to widespread deforestation."

Fortunately, I have found a fledgling group of nations with which to associate: The Next Best Thing, which is perhaps the only loose confederacy of fictitious countries named after a shitty Madonna movie. With countries like The Dictatorship of Terror and Death, The Dictatorship of Violated Rights ("A violated right a day keeps the UN away...or not."), The Principality of Perfidelis ("Loyalty Above All"), The Incorporated States of Bureaucratic Processes, The Republic of Necrosex, The Empire of Bloodskull ("Kill everyone, including yourself!"), and The Queendom of Neutered Telstars ("Screw you, and your little kitty too!"), we cannot help but dominate the planet. Submit to our dogma or be trampled underfoot!
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LISTEN UP, CHUMPS! THIS IS YOUR PRESIDENT TALKING!

[Part 1 of 3]. There's no reason that a bunch of union stiffs in Ohio should get to bogart all of the sublime pleasure of listening to the President's economic speech on Labor Day. You, my loyal tens of thousands of daily leaders (don't click on that SiteMeter button, I warn you!), should also get to bask in all it's hybrid patrician-goofball goodness. So here's the first batch of excerpts from the speech, with delightfully entertaining interruptions from your humble narrator:

THE PRESIDENT: I don't know about you, but we needed a little rain in Crawford. (Laughter.) Send it that way, if you don't mind. (Laughter.) Thank you so much for coming out on Labor Day. I appreciate -- I appreciate so many folks enduring the rain to say hello to the President. I am thrilled you are here, and I'm thrilled I'm here. (Applause.)

Good Lord, am I ever drunk. “I’m thrilled I’m here?” Note to self: gin and Fruitopia is a bad idea.

The working people of this country deserve a day off, and it looks like you're enjoying it. (Laughter.) I want you to know that I know the strength of the American economy comes from hardworking men and women. (Applause.)

And, with the help of Majority Leader DeLay, we will soon add hardworking children to that list.

You know, it's interesting that it was union leaders who first suggested a day to honor America's workers.

Because Grandpa Prescott used to tell me that unions were made up of were no good Polack anarchists and Italian degenerates who should be rounded up and shot.

The war against terror goes on. It goes on because we love freedom and we're not going to change and our enemies hate freedom. It goes on because there are cold-blooded killers who have hijacked a religion. It goes on because we refuse to relent. (Applause.) And the best way to protect our homeland, the best way to make sure that we listen to the lessons of September the 11th, 2001, the best way to do our solemn duty to the American people is to chase the killers down, one by one, and bring them to justice. (Applause.)

Wait, I’m getting a sense of déjà vu. Have I spouted these bland platitudes before? Or am I going to spout them in the near future? Help, Professor Brown! There’s a rip in the space-time continuum!

I traveled today, as well, with Chuck Canterbury. He's the President of the Fraternal Order of Police. I appreciate you coming, Chuck. (Applause.) I want to thank those who wear our nation's uniform when it comes to providing police protection and fire protection. We appreciate your service. (Applause.)

Chuck’s losing his job today because of under-funded municipal services, and his pension's not too far behind-- but he appears to be taking it well. Chuck, are you there? Chuck? Can someone find Chuck?

I would like to remind people that a culture of responsibility is coming in America. One of the reasons why is that we see every day people who are willing to serve something greater than themself in life.

(crowd murmurs, English teachers faint)

Today, I want to talk about our economy. I want people to understand that when somebody wants to work and can't find a job, it says we've got a problem in America that we're going to deal with.

(recently resuscitated English teachers re-faint)

Productivity is up. What productivity means is that we've got a lot of hard work and we're using new technologies to make people more effective when it comes to the job, and that's important.

It also means working longer hours without health insurance, because you can’t be productive if you’re always going to the doctor to get “lumps” and “concussions” checked out.
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WHY I LOVE TEXAS LIKE AN INCARCERATED UNCLE

1) According to the 2000 Texas Fact Book Rankings (please note that we've obviously become significantly worse in the last 3 years), Texas was #1 in deficient bridges and tornado fatalities, 2nd in birth rates and teen birth rates, 6th in percentage increase of people cut from food stamps, 8th in crime rate and unemployment, 9th in poverty rate, and 10th in number of hazardous waste sites (I realize that New Jersey probably has a lock onthis). Strangely, we were 50th in percentage of immunized children and per capita state spending, 47th in SAT scores, 46th in high school graduation rates, 45th in per capita spending on environmental programs, 39th in median weekly earnings, 35th in number of households with the Internet.

2) So we've got more in common with Mississippi than New York (in fact, the Governor of Mississippi took umbrage when our Governor said "we don't want to become like Mississippi" in the 2003 State of the State address, rightfully pointing out that they're better off in many statistical categories). We've got an all-GOP state government, and they got some shit done in the last Legislative session. Passed our own state Defense of Marriage Act, a moment of silence for schoolchildren, trying to cap non-economic damage awards at some arbitrary 1975 level, defining an embryo as a person for certain legal matters, requiring doctors to show hacked-up fetuses to women seeking an abortion, etc. So we've got that sort of "limited government" going for us, which is nice.

3) OK, so it's a pretty ridiculous and Draconian set of laws that went into effect yesterday. But at least we're still cutting the safety net to ribbons, so it's all good. Instead of raising cigarette taxes (I'm a smoker, so shut up), we've decided to cut 100,000 children from the Children's Health Insurance Program (even though it's a money-maker for the state).

4) But don't worry, our experienced and helpful Texas state employees will still be slogging away, trying to provide services to a growing state on an early 1990s budget. Except for those 3,300 experienced ones that are getting bought out, and those five to ten thousand more that will be axed in the upcoming year.

5) Um.... the Texas Longhorns beat New Mexico St. 66-7. Take that, you fugitive-Senator-harboring afterthought of a sparsely populated state!
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A COUPLE MORE WAYS TO MAKE YOUR SHITTY WORK DAY GO BY FASTER

Include a diverse array of people who I need to suck up to in order to gain further notice, rising stars I must recognize for some sort of future reward, or people I pretend to peruse in order to maintain the facade of being well-read and/or "fair and balanced". They include Roger Ailes, All AgitProp All The Time, Balloon Juice, Busy (cubed), Colorado Luis, the Dittohead Recovery Site, Free Speech.com, Steve Gilliard, Half the Sins of Mankind, Mark Kleiman, the Ministry of Minor Perfidy, and Orcinus.

All of them should be the only weblog you ever need or read. Now hook me up with a little somethin' somethin', you parsimonious bastards! Or not.

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THE THINGS I DON'T KNOW COULD FILL A SMALL NATIONAL LIBRARY

(1) I don't know much about foreign policy or inter-Islamic factional squabbles, but I do know that it's not very good news when the brother of the slain cleric (whose death from the mosque bombing caused 400,000 mourners to flood the streets of Baghdad) blames U.S. occupation for the bombing. By the way, he's also a governing council member.

(2) I am also not a physician or a veteran of a foreign war, but I do know that's it's slightly deceptive and misleading when only troops killed in action are reported, and it takes months to get a story concerning the 10 soldiers wounded per day in the Washington Post.

(3) I am not a soothsayer, but I'm pretty sure that the acquittal of a major Southeast Asian terrorist leader in an Indonesian court pretty much increases the chance that military tribunals will be used here.

(4) What I know about political strategy could barely fill a pamphlet, but I'm not sure that using an aircraft carrier to announce your candidacy for President (regardless of whether you're a decorated Vietnam veteran) will insulate you from unfounded "soft on terrorism and national defense" attacks from Republicans. Exhibit A: Max Cleland (triple amputee) was on hand for your announcement.

(5) I can't handicap ongoing discussions that only matter in the blogosphere, but I'm pretty sure that our recently revived friend Ted Barlow drove a factual stake through the heart of the "Bustamante = George Wallace" nonsense that has been propagated by (pardon my indecency) fucking idiots like Professor Reynolds.
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LEFTOVER LABOR DAY BILE

1) My Favorite Throwaway Country That I Use To Make Snide Commentary: Did you know that there's a peace process in Sudan? I realize that the ongoing civil war has only killed an average of 100,000 Sudanese per year over the last 20 years, but for some reason I don't know the names of the principal players, the Administration's stance on it, the locations of various atrocities or mass graves, or the name of the goddamned capital city. Am I just less informed than the rest of America?

2) Over the last three years, I have begun to develop an incredible amount of resentment towards commercials. Not all of them; many are informative, entertaining, and life-affirming. I'm talking about one particular subspecies of commercial that uses really really really stupid people engaged in some annoying, asinine activity in some sort of extended metaphor for the product being sold. You know what I'm talking about, right?

2a) Who writes the scripts for radio commercials (especially commercials on sports talk radio stations)? Are they all fucking morons? Does the same unctous toilet bowl have to do the voice-overs for all of the strip clubs in Austin?

3) Can There Be a Decent Left? What the hell is that supposed to mean, you fascist jackass? When the hell has decency played an important role in American political discourse? I'm sorry, that was over the line. Please patiently instruct me on how I should decently address the cataclysmic foreign and domestic policy errors of this plutocratic whorehouse of an Administration.

4) RIP, Charles "Bronson" Buchinsky (1922-2003): "Don't call me ... As a matter of fact, sergeant rich boy, you just keep your mouth shut!" "Listen! You understand, you name the son of a bitch or I'm gonna beat you to death"; "I'd like to shove this up your ass. But I don't wanna dirty my hands"; "Do guns make you nervous? Guns have their uses. Idiots with guns make me nervous!"; [on the Andy Griffith show parody on the Simpsons]: "Where's Otis? He's not in his cell. - I shot him! - Well, that... what?!? - Now, I'm going down to Emmit's fix it shop. To fix Emmit!"; "I look like a quarry someone has dynamited."

5) I (Heart Symbol) Uzbekistan: When doing Google searches, you sometimes run across unintended links, such as the fact that we sometimes have joint press conferences with the more unsavory members of the Coalition of the Willing (and by unsavory, I mean boiling-political-dissidents unsavory).

QUESTION: Andrea Koppel, CNN. President Karimov, what do you say to your critics who say that you are nothing more than a brutal, repressive, authoritarian dictator?

PRESIDENT KARIMOV: I am very surprised to hear the question you posed. And I believe that these questions that are (inaudible) are due to be asked and probably we cannot circumvent these questions. We have to answer them. What can I answer? My answer is that one is to see things rather than hear them one hundred times. I would like to invite you for communication with me on a more permanent basis and believe that I will not disappoint you.

Trust me, dude, you're not disappointing me.
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50 HOURS AWAY FROM THE BLOG, AND ALL YOU GET ARE ARBY'S JOKES:

Something tells me I should have been a Marketing major. If this doesn't stimulate interest in our product amongst key demographics, nothing will:

1. It's like there's a party in my mouth, and everyone's invited, but they all kind of politely declined, or made up lame excuses.

2. To be fair: Why don't we let the civil litigation system settle this argument?

3. Those people who tell you "that's not the color of meat" aren't aware of the stunning innovations being developed every day at Arby's Laboratories.

4. Man: "Boy, I'm hungry" Announcer: "REALLY hungry?" Man: "Hell yeah. Clean our your ears, bitch!" Announcer: "Hungry enough... to eat at Arby's?" Man: (emits low whistling sound) [Fade out]

5. Environmentally sensitive, we use only the finest free-range large Mexican rodents.

6. Really, that razor-thin slice of human forearm could have come from anywhere.

7. Arby's Pure Soy-Based Aspartame Milkshakes: When you've run out of things to chuck at Old Man Wilson's Crown Victoria.

8. Every Arby's Kids Meal now comes with a "Finding Nemo Junior Stomach Pump" or "Monsters, Inc. Generic Emetic".

9. When you see that giant cowboy hat advertising barely digestable roast beef sandwiches... just keep on drivin'.
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A FEW NEWS STORIES TO RUIN YOUR LABOR DAY WEEKEND

(1) Pentagon Counsels Patience in Weapons Hunt: We are now entering the more developed phases of the "Beyond Irony" administration. Remember, the UN Inspections Team had to come up with the actual weapons, now we have to wait for a team of 1,200 to merely come up with programs. A championship limbo athlete couldn't navigate a bar this low. For a further discussion of the fine art of lowering expectations, check out PLA's post on the barriers facing the weapons team.

(2) The Party of Ineptitude? This widely linked article parrots what I've been reading on Talking Points Memo for quite awhile, which is-- regardless of "deception", which is always the sexier claim when trying to play partisan politics, at what point do you question foreign policy competence? Where did this reputation arise? Is it in the color of suits, or grim expressions?

(3) Enron Escape Clause: Apparently, the House Version of the "Class Action Fairness Act" contains a little bit of retroactivity, which would limit the claims of shareholders and employees of fine, upstanding corporations like Enron and Worldcom. If the Senate folds on this, look for the name of this Act to take its rightful place in a list of all-time great oxymorons.

(4) Self-Fulfilling Retroactive Prophecies: Looks like we could cause an Iraq-al Qaeda connection if we tried hard enough. Apparently, Iraqi police have arrested several people suspected in the horrific mosque bombing, and have made the initial claim that the parties involved are tied to al Qaeda. However, to remind you of the concept of four-dimensional space, this is post-war. For a good round-up of the complete lack of evidence of a pre-war connection, review the Left Coaster's list of stories and links.

(5) Medical Malpractice Reform: This is about the best letter to the editor I've read on the subject, and it's even from a physician. The Houston Chronicle has also done yeoman's work in an ongoing series to show that limiting relief for injured and maimed patients does not lead to relief in malpractice rates nor increased acess to medical care. Say those magical two words with me again: insurance reform. Instead of blaming a small number of showcase suits, everyone should use Occam's Razor to come up with a simpler explanation.

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PUBLIC ENEMY SERVICE ANNOUNCEMENT

Since he's too modest or technologically inept to do it, everyone should know that America's favorite railed vehicle, the S-Train Canvass, has moved. One of his featured posts has to do with America's readiness for a black President. To be perfectly honest, I want Chuck D to start a political career. To be facetious, I left a liberal honky's guide to running as a black presidential candidate in his comments. It borrows heavily from one of the funniest websites in history, Black People Love Us!

"I'd definitely vote for a black President. I mean black, but not black black or too black. I'd like the candidate to be well-spoken, well-mannered, and articulate... but not so out of touch that they wouldn't raise the roof at the appropriate time. That's always enjoyable. See if you can get one of your friends to run in the primary as well. You don't want to be known as 'the black one'.

And don't bring me down with all that racism talk! What's past is prologue! There's no more separated drinking fountains, so it's all good as far as I can see. And I don't mind a little black music on the campaign dais. I like Billy Ocean as much as the next guy. But nothing too political, like early 70s Marvin Gaye or Public Enemy. Remember: you're going to be President of AMERICA, not just black America.

Learn from Lt. Gov. Bustamante: if you were in some sort of all-black club in college, repudiate it! Nobody likes a militant. Stay away from rabblerousers, race pimps, and anything that even remotely smacks of street life. That's all just too depressing.

Finally, it's a well known fact that whatever you say will be imputed to 30 million other black Americans, so choose your words carefully. I don't want to have to stop kind of being friends with that one black dude I kind of know because you made yourself look like a jackass with crazy talk.

I just hope every white guy is as open-minded as I am."

Quick note: I don't want any Lt. Gov. Bustamante is a Latino Klansman comments. Please. For the love of God.
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MUST.... ASSIST.... RE-ELECTION..... EFFORT

Bush-Cheney '04
Chairman Marc Racicot August 27, 2003

If you support President Bush's strong leadership...

Hell yeah I do!

If you're grateful he and Laura have restored honor and dignity to the White House... If you believe it's important for America and the world that he and Dick Cheney have four more years in office...

I think that most of the world would agree that this rises to the level of a categorical imperative. I don't really care about results, it's making Presidential boldness work for me.

...then I hope you let me send you a Charter Member card identifying you as one of the President's key supporters. Please activate it by making a campaign gift of $2,000, $1,000, $500, $250, $100, or even $50 or $25 today at www.GeorgeWBush.com/CharterMember/ using the campaign's secure server.

I'm sure that donating the price of a double-CD to the President's bloated campaign coffers is enough to earn you "key supporter" status. However, activation of this card gives you a 10% discount at Denny's when you purchase at least $20 worth of pancakes, and entitles you to kick a homeless person in the nuts (once) without fear of prosecution.

It's critical to the President you make your Charter Membership gift to his campaign now. For while he's focused on his great responsibilities - winning the war against terrorism and strengthening our economy - he's counting on you and me to get his grassroots campaign off to a strong start.

If that's the product of focus, can we have a little less of it? Meanwhile, his Brown & Root and Halliburton "bloated plutocrat" campaign remains in high gear. In the alternative, please retire the term "grassroots" forever.

And as chairman of the President's re-election, I can tell you we need your financial support at www.GeorgeWBush.com/CharterMember/. Democrats and their allies will have more money to spend attacking the President during the nomination battle than we will have to defend him.

There's nothing quite as headache-inducing as hearing an incumbent GOP President who plans to spend $200 million in his re-election campaign (without any primary challengers) cast as an underdog. Even potential contributors must have a limit to credulity... don't they?

If you need more convincing the President needs your help, consider what Democrats are saying. The race is just starting, but their rhetoric is already red-hot. John Kerry claims President Bush is "stealing from America's children." He compared the President to Saddam Hussein, saying America needs a "regime change" just like Iraq did.

I'm not going to tip which Democratic candidate I like, because I live in Texas, and we could nominate the re-animated corpse of LBJ, and he probably couldn't win this state. As to Kerry's comments: (1) the "stealing from our children" came from a speech about the effect of deficits and debt... a common Perot-like tactic; (2) of course the President is just like Saddam Hussein. Everybody knows that. I won't even dignify that with further response.

Howard Dean said he's heard the President might suspend the 2004 election, called him "reckless" and "despicable," compared our President to the Taliban, and said he was trying to "destroy Social Security, Medicare, our public schools, and public services."

Can you tell who the GOP considers front-runners in this race?

Dick Gephardt said the President's "phony macho business is not getting us where we need to be."

It's not phony if you're stupid enough to believe it, Dickie!

Bob Graham talked "impeachment," accusing the President of "secrecy and manipulation."

The GAO agrees.

John Edwards said the President's plans will "corrupt the American economy."

No, it's positively causing the germination of the heartland with jobs aplenty. Get with it, Senator!

Joe Lieberman said President Bush "has made us weaker" and was "nearly as dangerous to our long-term security" as Iraqi militants.

Don't you remember the 11th Commandment? Thou shalt not criticize another Republican! Stop it, Joe!

The Democrat National Committee depicted the President as a "madman" and a Democrat leader invoked the Holocaust when talking about him and his policies. And another national Democrat leader attacked the President as "the village idiot from Texas."

Depicted, invoked... these may be code words for "what follows is either totally mischaracterized or taken completely out of context". Incidentally, that "national Democrat leader" who called him a village idiot was the vice-chairwoman of the Colorado Democratic Party.

This ugly, overheated rhetoric shows Democrats will say anything and stop at nothing to defeat this President. A slash and burn campaign like this will rally the left wing of the Democrat Party, which could matter in an election where 50% of Americans may not vote.

And we can do more! With your help, we can unleash a torrent of purges and disgusting ads to get that number of Americans who won't vote up to 60%! Ya gotta believe!

Democrats will have the all-out help of some leaders in the AFL-CIO, many wealthy personal injury trial lawyers, and well-funded liberal special interests. The hundreds of millions of dollars they will spend could make the race close. One wealthy currency trader has already pledged $10 million to defeat the President.

This may not be completely constructive criticism, but couldn't you get more money if you replaced "currency trader" with "Jew"? Oh, that's reserved for your other mail-out? Never mind.

(repeated fundraising numbers) There is so much this President has done to lead our country in the war against terrorism, to strengthen our economy, and to help build a more compassionate society.

We won't mention them, because they might get torn apart by some anonymous, unsuccessful blogger from Austin. But you know what we're talking about (wink wink).

George W. Bush has the vision our nation needs, the moral clarity the world has been waiting for and the values we want in our President. If you agree, then help him today. Thank you.

And the kind of results that are just so staggering, that we couldn't possibly even put them in a fundraising solicitation letter to a friendly audience. We are kicking ass!

Sincerely, Marc Racicot

Thanks, Mark. The Monopoly money is in the mail.

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DOWNWARD SPIRAL OF CRAPULENCE

No links here, just general impressions. We've had about a year since the Iraq war "product" was initially rolled out. The following is an imperfect line of reasoning that, in my view, makes America look bad the further down you go. In my view, we're somewhere between 4 and 5. Of course, there are trump cards that can be played anywhere down this line, including the "mass graves" trump card or the "flypaper" trump card. However, I fear that these are largely post hoc and don't accurately reflect any workable foreign policy paradigm.

(1) The Administration had objective provable justification to go to war with Iraq.
(2) The Administration did not have objective justification to go to war with Iraq, but this was only because of bad intelligence and self-interest on the part of Iraqi defectors.
(3) The Administration knew it was bad intelligence, but went anyway because of a larger point to prove.
(4) Don't worry about #1-3, all that matters now is whether reconstruction is going well.
(5) We really don't care whether reconstruction is going well, so long as the larger point is proved.
(6) We really don't care whether the larger point is proved, but we can't afford to be seen as half-assing reconstruction because this would cause us to lose faith in a noble cause.
(7) Screw the half-assed reconstruction, did you hear about Iran/Syria?

Can anyone else fill in the gaps?
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HOW CAN UN-AMERICAN FELLOW TRAVELLERS BE PICKING GREAT AMERICANS?

The twenty greatest Americans of all time, as picked by obvious communists (including yours truly). I believe that 28 leftish blogs participated, and here's a list of their selections:

Malcolm X (4), Lucy Stone (4), Elizabeth Cady Stanton (4), Rosa Parks (4), Albert Einstein (4), Eugene V. Debs (4), Jane Addams (4), Sojourner Truth (5), George C. Marshall (5), Mother Jones (5), Lyndon B. Johnson (5), Ulysses S. Grant (5), Margaret Sanger (6), Jonas Salk (6), Cesar Chavez (6), Dorothy Day (6), Teddy Roosevelt (7), Eleanor Roosevelt (8), Harriet Tubman (9), James Madison (9), Thomas Edison (9), Thomas Paine (10), Susan B. Anthony (10), George Washington (11), Mark Twain (11), Benjamin Franklin (14), Frederick Douglass (14), Thomas Jefferson (18), Abraham Lincoln (19), Franklin D. Roosevelt (20), Martin Luther King (22).

Of course, I did up my list in about 10 minutes, so I knew that there would be people on the final list who (1) utterly slipped my mind; like Cesar Chavez and Eugene Debs, (2) I would disagree with, like Ulysses S. Grant, or (3) I had never really heard of, like Dorothy Day or Jane Addams.

The two selections I made not on the master list which surprised me were (1) Thurgood Marshall, if only for his tireless 25+ years work in desegregation cases prior to becoming a Supreme Court justice; (2) Alexander Graham Bell, because I like phones. I was also surprised not to see Native American representation on the list, and then I began thinking who that would be, and then stopped because I would then betray my own stunning ignorance of that history.

For the record, my largely plain-vanilla picks were, in no particular order (other than safest to more obscure): (1) Martin Luther King, Jr.; (2) Frederick Douglass; (3) Thurgood Marshall; (4) Jonas Salk; (5) Franklin Delano Roosevelt; (6) Theodore Roosevelt; (7) Abraham Lincoln; (8) Thomas Jefferson; (9) Benjamin Franklin; (10) Thomas Paine; (11) Thomas Edison; (12) Alexander Graham Bell; (13) Susan B. Anthony; (14) James Madison; (15) Sam Houston; (16) George Washington; (17) Jackie Robinson; (18) Paul Robeson; (19) Duke Ellington; (20) Aaron Copeland.
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MEEKLY QUESTIONING ROUSING SUCCESSES

Sorry to question the god-like wisdom of the present Administration. Begging your indulgence, may I humbly request why intelligence officers are being transferred from Kabul to Baghdad? I realize that the Administration, in its infinite benevolence, has rightfully spared the tender ears of the public from the name "Osama bin Laden" for the last 18 months or so. If it's not too hard, could you quickly acquaint us with the name of the head cheese in Iran? I'd like to begin learning his name as the September roll-out for new foreign policy initiatives begins.

I know that Afghanistan is but a minor part, an insignificant speck in the war on terror when compared to the rock-solid evidence of Prague coffeehouse-based terror sponsored by Iraq. I realize that Afghanistan is only experiencing a minor inconvenience in the resurgence of the Taliban, and that press reports of said former government constituting a "menace to stability" are but liberal hyperbole born of a deep, seething envy of the Administration. Surely the halting of international aid and reconstruction in large parts of the country, sponsorship of warlords who terrorize the local populace, the President's inability to remember the paltry number of troops stationed in Afghanistan, and pussyfooting with Pakistan, whose open borders put Tijauana to shame--- this is part of a cunning plan to smoke something out and pursue a noble cause.

I will quietly retreat to read the latest batch of Get Your War On comic strips and amuse myself with inane knock-knock jokes. "Knock knock. Who's there? Afghanistan! Who?"
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SACRIFICE IS FOR CHUMP-ASS BITCHES

It's a good time to be a federal Employee right about now. One could have possibly foreseen lots of Presidential pronouncements concerning the effect of the "costs of the war on terrorism". For instance, "we can't possibly pay for a missile defense shield because....", or "we can't possibly fund all those unnecessary defense projects in Mississippi because..." or "we can't possibly take Air Force One to another $2,500 a plate hot dog dinner because..." or "we can't possibly soak the rich again because...". Nope. It's pay raises for federal employees. Demanding an actual cost of living increase severely crimps our ability to pay for all the unexpected costs of not being greeted like liberators in Iraq, you money-grubbing little union shit-stains!

As for our soldiers from the last Gulf War, I have only this to say: We simply cannot allow greedy trial lawyers and their reprobate Gulf War POW clients to collect from money that rightfully belongs to padded Halliburton contracts. That is SIMPLY not the American way.
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UPDATE: When I said "padded Halliburton contracts", I was obviously parroting some leftist nonsense about the obviously non-plutocratic, non-bloated, non-sickening method of awarding money to companies that just happened to have the Vice President as a former CEO. I had no basis to make such a claim about a fine, upstanding corporation, and I profusely... what's that? Never mind. I actually DO mean it. (Via Atrios).
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DOG DAYS OF SUMMER NEW WEBLOG SHOWCASE

Since the Ecosystem is functioning again, the opportunity to showcase new weblogs has re-arisen. I have decided to actually highlight the ones I like this time, although I still maintain that publicity is publicity-- even if I think that your corner of the World Wide Web is vomitous, ninth-rate, puerile reactionary garbage that could easily be replicated with a simple ShareWare program:

(1) Futurballa: I think this was the name of that addictive arcade game with the football-playing robots, wasn't it? Well, this is a nice baseball n' politics weblog, even if the showcased post (disposable digital cameras) reads like a Sharper Image catalog description.

(2) Me And Ophelia: A very interesting blog from the other side of the pond; a lot of useful information on technology, medicine, and world blogs.

(3) Ministry of Minor Perfidy: Although the highlighted post takes a Steven den Beste (my least favorite member of the Musical den Beste Family) theory/unreadable screed and runs with it, the overall blog is interesting and should be successful if more important people than me notice it.

(4) The Notorious B.L.O.G.: Lots of science fiction and pop culture. The highlighted post has to do with boycotting the RIAA, which is fine with me. I haven't bought a CD since Level 42 came out with a boxed set a couple of years ago. It was the same goddamned song in 55 different re-mixes.

(5) Colorado Luis: Very well-designed weblog from up in the Rockies. Apparently, everyone in Colorado is mandated by international law to write about microbreweries; however, the highlighted post is an interesting discussion about the Hispanic vs. Latino label, especially as it pertains to indigenous people.

But don't let me stop you. Check out all of the little foundlings in the showcase.

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AND THE YANG...

How about it, newly baptized human rights neo-conservatives?

"Human Rights Watch has followed in detail the armed conflict and human rights abuses in Sudan for many years. Our research shows that the Sudanese government has targeted and bombed civilians and civilian objects, including relief distribution locations, churches, and schools, causing many civilian casualties and damage to the fragile civilian infrastructure of the south. Together with the Sudanese army, the Sudanese government-sponsored ethnic militias have engaged in scorched earth campaigns against Nuer civilians in the oilfields of Western Upper Nile/Unity State in which thousands have been forcibly displaced and scores of civilians (primarily the weak, elderly, women, and children) have been killed, and many women raped. Conspicuously, the government has not captured any combatants during the twenty-year civil war in which some two million civilians have died, leading to the conclusion that it has a policy of summary execution of captured and wounded combatants."

How about it, unbaptized pragmatist terrorist-fighting neo-conservatives?

"The country has given shelter to Islamist and Middle Eastern terrorist groups, including al-Qaeda, which used Sudan as its main operational and training base from 1991 to 1996. International investigators suspect it has become a financial hub for the terror network since September 11; al-Qaeda operatives have reportedly spirited large amounts of gold into Sudan. Sudan has also harbored members of the Baghdad-based Abu Nidal Organization, Egyptian Islamic Jihad, the Palestinian groups Hamas and Palestinian Islamic Jihad, the Lebanese group Hezbollah, and others. These terrorists do not carry out attacks within Sudan but plan and support terrorism elsewhere. Hamas and Hezbollah have reportedly maintained training camps in Sudan. The National Islamic Front, the strict Islamist party that governs much of Sudan, does not consider any of these groups terrorist organizations."

How about it, national security-firsters?

"As for Sudan, the CIA said the East African nation "has been developing the capability to produce chemical weapons for many years," and "may be interested in a (biological weapons) program as well."

I know, I should be talking about North Korea and Syria. They just seem so passe.
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THE YIN...

Some of my favorite Deep Thoughts, by Jack Handey. If you ever run across my friend Steve in Cedar Park, TX, get him to read these to you, because he is a vocal doppleganger for Mr. Handey:

(1) If you ever fall off the Sears Tower, just go real limp, because maybe you'll look like a dummy and people will try to catch you because, hey, free dummy.

(2) I guess of all my uncles, I liked Uncle Cave Man the best. We called him Uncle Cave Man because he lived in a cave and because sometimes he'd eat one of us. Later on we found out he was a bear.

(3) The face of a child can say it all, especially the mouth part of the face.

(4) Laurie got offended when I used the word "puke". But to me, that's what her dinner tasted like.

(5) Even though he was an enemy of mine, I had to admit that what he had accomplished was a brilliant piece of strategy. First, he punched me, then he kicked me, then punched me again.

(6) We used to laugh at Grandpa when he'd head off to go fishing. But we wouldn't be laughing that evening, when he'd come back with some whore he picked up in town.

(7) It makes me mad when people say I turned and ran like a scared rabbit. Maybe it was like an angry rabbit, who was running to go fight in another fight, away from the first fight.
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WITH ANY LUCK, WE CAN PRODUCE SOME TRULY MIND-BLOWING NUMBERS

Deficit