HAPPY FURRY PUPPY STORY TIME WITH NORBIZNESS, version 2.0

TWO YEARS GONE, HOLDING ON

A brief word on the war that's gone down the collective memory hole: if you type in “Afghanistan” in the always reliable Google news search engine, and sort by relevance, at least 90% of the stories appear to be from Asian news sources. Perhaps it's a matter of what gets a story in the news. Precise timing, (hopefully pronounceable and high-profile) name in the news, and a single sound bite or quotable quotes, slow news day. Well, unfortunately the California election fell on Tuesday, October 7th, so everything else on the front and editorial pages got shunted aside.

(1) Marginal success (due in no small part to satisfying the timing and sound bite criteria): "We know the Taliban have been more active in recent weeks and months and there are indications that they may be planning even larger attacks, more spectacular attacks."

(2) Absolutely no success (unpronounceable name, baby blue helmet, Iraqi bombings... take it away, Pakistani news source): "UN Undersecretary General for Peacekeeping Operations Jean-Marie Guehenno told the UN Security Council on Friday that the decision had been made because many of the fundamental causes of insecurity in Afghanistan 'remain unresolved.' He added that Taliban forces were retaking parts of Afghanistan as the post-war government shows 'signs of weakening'."

(3) Absolute black-out, domestic coverage (perhaps the committee could have drummed up coverage with something about the effect of Joe Millionaire 2 on international relations): "Two years after the defeat of the Taliban, a lack of security continues to plague reconstruction efforts in Afghanistan. The continuing influence of warlords and local militias undermines the authority of the central government… Opium cultivation is surging to annual levels of 150 to 300 tons, the proceeds of which finance terrorism and local resistance to the Kabul government."

(4) Absolute domestic apathy, part two (for God's sake, Biden, give it a rest. And what's up with those photographs that crop out your magnificently ratty head of hair?): "Today, huge portions of Afghanistan outside Kabul have been ceded to warlords… the only troops assigned to protect reconstruction projects, let alone civilians, are the provincial reconstruction teams, whose combined units number only a few hundred soldiers… drug profits last year dwarfed both the central government's budget and international reconstruction funds."

(5) Lack of coverage about lack of coverage (nothing against the Sacramento Bee, but come on now): "'Things aren't going as well as we want,' said Larry Goodson, author of a 2001 book about Afghanistan and professor of Middle East studies at the Army War College in Carlisle, Penn. 'Afghanistan has flipped off the radar screen to some extent'."

Is it within the realm of earthly possibility for the Administration to be held accountable for two foreign policy fuck-ups simultaneously? Tune in to C-SPAN 3 at 4:30 in the morning (or learn Pashtun) to find out.

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YOU ARE GETTING VERY SLEEPY

One of the most important lessons of a free society that should--- nay, must--- be taught to the Iraqis is that the voice coming from the television set or the radio from your beneficent overlord... er... administrator will never lie to you. Oh wait, they've learned that one already. I'm not sure who Ambassador Bremer is taking voice inflection, cadence, and phrasing lessons from in Iraq, but the results are mondo bizarro. Ignoring the fact that Iraq is/was probably one of the more educated and secular Arabic countries, the broadcasts seem to be aimed at a 12-year-old. Maybe it's mistranslation from the original Arabic, but...

(1) "This new currency is a symbol of the hope in your future. It will be safer and easier for you to use. Beyond that, Saddam is off your money and out of your lives."

(2) "When the people of the world asked the evil one to stop he sneered. When the people of the world demanded that the evil one stop, he threatened them and fought them. And when the evil one fought them, he fought them in your name, with your money and your blood and the blood of your fathers, your mothers and your children."

(3) "Saddam’s tyranny is dead. Never again will he rule the cradle of civilization. Never again will he trample the rule of law in the Hammurabi’s birthplace.", and

(4) "This Ramadan you are free, many things have improved in recent months, but we all know that not everything is as it should be. Yet, you must not lose hope. Especially during Ramadan you must not lose hope."

Don't worry, I'm sure that the word "Ramadan" will be scrubbed from subsequent internet searches from the Provisional Authority web site.

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SWEEPING OUT THE NEWS ITEM BIN

(1) I may or may not have talked shit about Colin Powell concerning his shameful U.N. Security Council power point presentation, but I'll say this: if he manages to broker a lasting peace treaty to end Sudan's 20-year, 2 million casualty, 4 million people-displaced civil war, his legacy will definitely swing back to the positive side. And if there had to be a Republican in the White House (a necessary result of my own karmic debt), I'd still take him in a heartbeat.

(2) Liza Minelli's new friend and confidant Josh Marshall has been plugging this idea for quite some time: if there's an Administration initiative that's completely backfired or has been ineffective, Subterranean Homesick Vice President Dick Cheney's fingerprints are all over it. The energy bill and the numerous lawsuits concerning its secrecy. Shelving the Hart-Rudman terrorism recommendations. Driving moderate Arab states into supporting Saddam. Rigging the White House easter eggs with paint bombs. Senior advisor happy hour at fucking Bennigan's, for God's sake. The list goes on.

(3) Where my $4 billion? Don't worry, I'm sure a crack accounting strike force made up of disgraced Arthur Anderson partners will get to the bottom of the Provisional Authority's foray into slush funding.

(4) I knew I was woefully ignorant of recent history, but having not heard of the controversy surrounding the 1967 attack against the USS Liberty during the Israel vs. Egypt Six Day War really confirms it. Apparently, the senior counsel for the Navy, now approaching his 200th birthday, has decided to allege a high-level cover-up of the incident involving LBJ and Robert McNamara. Funny, that doesn't sound like their M.O.

(5) Man, Baylor, I knew you sucked, but you're really turning into the suckiest bunch of sucks that ever sucked. Outscored 256-24 by the Longhorns over the last five years? Find a new NCAA division!

HOLY SHIT, I CREATED A QUIZ

There are currently 11 snapshots evenly spaced on the right-hand-side links bar, beginning right under the "Powered by Blogger" button. These are from movies I may or may not have ever seen; however, I will swear that I have in mixed company in order to appear cinematically sophisticated. Put your proposed answers in the comments. In 48 hours, I will channel the spirit of General William "If Nominated, I Will Not Run; If Elected, I Will Not Serve" Sherman... and not announce a 'winner' and not award that 'winner' a single goddamned thing. Good luck!

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SMALL ANTI-WAR PROTEST MET BY A COMPLETELY PITIFUL PRO-WAR PROTEST

Thanks to Hesiod for pointing out a nice counter-protest photo album. If you feel like leafing through this catalog of super-sweetness, I've proposed a few captions, if your colon doesn't go all spastic about half-way through it:

1. Niiiiice spelling of Al-Qaeda. The teachers of America don't thank you.
2. Fat, middle=aged white people make up Free Republic? Knock me over with a feather!
4. Ladies and gentlemen, Hades, a loving tribute to Styx, will be on in 5 minutes.
7. A brief announcement: Does anyone have a fog machine? Hades forgot theirs.
9. Please, people, just take one pre-fabricated placard. Plenty to go around.
12. If we combined our signs, we would have the most kick-ass incomprehensible slogan EVER!
14. The crowd observes Hades' strict "no-moshing" policy.
15. "For the last time, we played 'Come Sail Away' 10 minutes ago! Now shut up!"
16. Note to self: pink jumpsuit after Labor Day lets the fashion terrorists win.
17. What do I hear for this Ziploc bag of Dick Cheney's toenail clippings?
18. Hey! I saw a tourist in a beret over there! C'mon, fellas!
20. Curtis Sliwa of the Guardian Angels warms up the crowd with some bird calls.
21. We have yet another zombie B-1 Bob Dornan sighting. Someone build a bonfire.
24. Looks like Brian Becker's estranged sexual partners are out in force.
25. Now it's time to re-enact the Spanish Civil War!
27. Those damned green jackets! They look just like Stalinist crossing guards!
29. The hippies, driven lemming like onto the D.C. Mall by the sounds of Judy Collins...
32. Strange that more people wouldn't dislike being photographed by reactionary retards.
34. "I Hope Ashcroft Is Watching YOU". No fucking comment.
39. Sadly, Captain America is goaded out of poverty-stricken retirement to attend the counter-protest.
40. Maine supports our Troops, brought to you by Pepsi? An odd message.
41. Timothy Busfield, perturbed beyond belief that he was kidnapped by Free Republic.

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GOOD LUCK WITH THE BASTILLE, PEOPLE



Pitiful independent 9/11 Commission! I laugh in hearty derision at your mandate, your Freedom of Information Act requests, your distinguished bipartisan ex-civil servants, and your so-called desire for reform! We here at the Administration have built an impregnable fortress of steel, fortified with executive privilege traps constructed by the finest Bush v. Gore attorneys! Failing that, you must navigate a labyrinth of undergound caves designed by the Vice President and guarded by atomically mutated prairie dogs!

But seriously! I fail to see the wisdom in your attempting to divine the bewildering failures of NORAD! Why must you ask what the President knew and when he knew it? Honestly, is that set of subpeonas really necessary? This isn't the FAA, you cretins! I know you've been having problems with the DoD, DoJ, CIA, and Homeland Security, but... you can't... just... look, can't it wait till after the election?

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WRESTLE-MANIA XXIV: LIVE FROM LANGLEY!

And, in our title fight, we have George "The Animal" Tenet going up against his stiffest challenger, a 132-room residential and office building, all the way from Pennyslvania Avenue! Sunday! Sunday!! SUNDAY!!!

vs.

There's been a good deal of significant smack-talking in the run-up to the fight for the highly coveted "International Scapegoat for Massive Pre-War Intelligence Failure" belt. Highly flamboyant White House manager and tennis-racket-wielding maniac Pat Roberts (R-KS) issued the first low blow, saying that "the executive was ill-served by the intelligence community." Half-insane CIA spokesperson Bill Harlow (here shown in some sort of poorly improvised Navy outfit) fired back with a blistering retort: "The committee has yet to take the opportunity to hear a comprehensive explanation of how and why we reached our conclusions(!)" Gadfly wrestling commentator and owner of West Virginia Jay Rockefeller couldn't resist jumping into the fray, opining that "It's my belief that what he [Mr. Roberts] wants to do is to lay all of this out on the intelligence community and never get to any other branches of government."

We haven't seen frenzied action like this since Brutus "The Barber" Beefcake trimmed the flowing locks of "Leapin'" Lenny Poffo! Stay tuned for further developments, but call your local cable provider to purchase this event on pay-per-view!

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A LITTLE INSIDE INFO ON THE STARBUCK'S FRANCHISE ON THE COLORADO RIVER

That dude from Teacherish tried to interview me, but it's more of a travelogue piece on The People's Republic of Austin. Unfortunately, if your computer is like mine, the left column cuts off after question 4. So here it is in its entirety. If you actually feel compelled to consider thinking about possibly moving to Austin as a result of these answers, let me stop you right there. You won't be welcome. Trust me.

1. Who has better gingerbread pancakes, Kirby (Kerbey) Lane or the Magnolia (Cafe)? I've never tried them. I preferred the bacon-wrapped bacon with a side of queso with bacon bits.

2. Are you the Chuy's cocktail waiter that ratted out Jenna Bush? I do know people who work/worked at Chuy's, unfortunately they were not working at the time she loudly, repeatedly asked for their overrated margaritas. Everyone knows Baby Acapulco's has the type of margaritas young Jenna would love, because they basically mix it up with Everclear-- no time to fuck around with mere tequila.

3. What's the deal with all those bats under the bridge? Bats? BATS?!? Holy shit, I'm moving to Waco.

4. Are grackles really from another planet or do they just sound that way to non-Texans? Yeah, they pretty much sound like me when I was on the unfiltered Camel kick.

5. Have the yuppies ruined 6th Street yet? If no, what's taking them so long? It's been a rough few years for yuppie-dom. They tried to get smoking banned, but that's about to be overturned. All of their high-rise condos in downtown Austin are tanking, the high-tech industry is moving to Albany, and someone who looks mysteriously like me keeps firebombing Starbucks and shot bars.

6. Is there hope for SXSW ever recovering from becoming the industry wank-fest that it became in the Post-Nirvana/let's-everybody-get-a-pet-grunge-band-oh,-this-indie-rock-thing-is-cool era? No.

7. What's that in the ashtray? It's for my glaucoma.

8. What's in your pockets? It's for my chronic pain from an old rugby injury.

9. Is there a spare tire on your car/truck/Vespa, and if so, is there any air in it? In the words of my personal hero and undisputed Messiah, Bill O'Reilly: "I'm evaluating this interview very closely... Now we've spent now, all right, 50 minutes of me defending defamation against me in every possible way. And if you think that's fair, (Patrick), then you need to get in another business. I'll tell you that right now. And I'll tell your listeners, if you have the courage to put this on the air, this is basically an unfair interview designed to try to trap me into saying something that Harper's Magazine can use. And you know it. And you should be ashamed of yourself. And that is the end of this interview."

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MOVIES TO AVOID LIKE THAT BARELY COHERENT STREET PREACHER

(1) Shattered Glass: Young Darth Vader plays disgraced New Republic fiction writer Stephen Glass. I'm going to put this off until somebody at least greenlights the Jayson Blair story (The Blair Truth?) starring one of those kids from Good Burger.

(2) The Matrix Revolutions: The Back to the Future III of future-babble trilogies? Like I can stop the average fanboy from clinging to the glass doors of their local movieplex like a suckerfish, anyway.

(3) Elf: No. No. A thousand times no. I believe I saw a trailer for this that basically involved Will Ferrell doing a prominent Coca-Cola product placement, and then burping. Hell yeah. I'm sorry, saying he was the funniest thing on SNL in recent years is like saying that hanging is the most enjoyable form of capital punishment.

(4) Anything But Love: Now that the link proves that Andrew McCarthy didn't die in a Rangoon opium den with an transvestite amputee, there's no need to see the movie.

(5) Looney Tunes-- Back in Action: Sorry, it's not a documentary about General Boykin, just some tired old rehashed Roger Rabbit bullshit starring future opium den resident Brendan Fraser.

(6) Master and Commander-- The Far Side of the World: Finally, someone is committing to celluloid the exploits of Russell Crowe and his tugboat as he traverses the seven seas to punch people in the face. I think it stars most of the supporting actors from Cabin Boy.

(7) Tupac: Resurrection-- Finally, a decent horror movie. Look out, East Coast bitchez!

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HAPPY FURRY PUPPY THESAURUS TIME

In order to avoid placing myself further down on the Q*agm*re List, I will simply refer to the following developments as being indicative of a difficult, often embarrassing situation or condition; to wit, a box, a corner, deep water, difficulty, a dilemma, a Dutch, a fix, a hole, a hot spot, hot water, a jam, a plight, a predicament, a scrape, soup, trouble, a bind, a pickle, or a spot. But heaven forfend that it should ever be called reminiscent of q*a*m*r*, because calling it a q*******, especially on a relatively unpopular and unread blog, could very well provide exactly the right amount of Fifth Column subversion that would cause somebody to leak one of Rumsfeld's internal memos.... oh, shit. I'm in the clear. (click on the numbers for the articles)

(1) The number of attacks is increasing, up to 35 per week instead of 20-25 per week (not that anyone was even aware of the smaller number).

(2) Pipelines are still being bombed.

(3) Large parts of central Iraq are nearly-off limits to CPA personnel.

(4) Local backing of foreign terrorists/interlopers is increasing.

(5) U.S. troops are in a Catch-22 with respect to #4, in that raiding homes for outsiders only increases the support.

(6) Nearly 60% of Iraqis believe that coalition forces will not improve local safety.

That's in the last 24 hours. Do your own Google News search.

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IS THIS WHAT HEAVEN LOOKS LIKE, MOMMY?


Of course, hell for Shirley Hemphill will be serving Fred Berry cheeseburgers for all eternity.

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ALL AFGHANISTAN 3: LADIES AND GENTLEMAN, THE FABULOUS TALIBAN!

(a) Remember all that crazy talk from the Asia Times in June about the U.S., Karzai, and Pakistan opening up talks with the Taliban to assist in promoting security? I mean, it can't be true because it's crazy, right? Well, the facts have now been scrubbed more times than Lady MacBeth's hand, and we now have news stories (#1, #2) about negotiations with the "moderate Taliban". Predictably, this has made members of the Lincoln Chafee wing of the Taliban about as popular as a 5-hour-long director's cut of Howard the Duck being shown on a trans-Atlantic flight.

(b) Meanwhile, the rest of the Resurgent Taliban (TM), not familiar with how to smile for Pentagon-approved cameras, continues hatin' on the Afghani countryside, including killing bus passengers, attacking police stations, tunneling like as if their name was Steve McQueen, planning spectacular attacks, and in general are increasing, rather than decreasing, their attacks.

(c) This puts me somewhat in mind of one of Peter Griffin's friends on Family Guy, and I'm not talking about Cleveland or Joe. I'm talking about Glenn Q.. Quag... Quagmire. Oh, damn. Back on the quagmire list again.

AND NOW, THE FIRST TRUTH-IN-BLOG-NAMING POST.



Have an enjoyable evening.

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BACK TO THE SCENE OF THE SHOWCASE

My job duties as a drone in the League of Liberals (preferred superhero: Apache Chief) include voting lock-step for a relatively new member in the Truth Laid Bear's New Blog Showcase. So here you go, Hell for Halliburton, with a description of all the pleasant things Dick Cheney's once and future corporate benefactor has done for the planet.

Actually, since the rest of the new blogs up as of now kind of suck, I don't feel so bad being ordered into doing this.

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I MUST CONTINUE TO APPEAR TO BE HALFWAY RELEVANT (NEWS IN BRIEF)

(1) Jesus Christ! I go to a morning meeting, and this story is already on 200 weblogs. Well, screw you! Here's my take: Donald "Donald" Rumsfeld, frustrated by months and months of constant prevarication, lets it all go in an internal Defense Department memo. Administration reaction was swift, as shown in this picture, as a cyanide-tipped ballpoint pen is held to his neck to force him to recant. Before expiring, he did get off the Blondie/Debbie Harry plan for promoting international security against terrorism: "It is pretty clear the coalition can win in Afghanistan and Iraq in one way or another."

(2) Pakistan, Saudi Arabia in Secret Nuke Pact: I guess that the House of Saud finally got the "North Korea Recipe for Success" translated into Arabic. Whatever you do, don't irradiate the oil. Please!

(3) Partial Birth Abortion: As the main cast of South Park said in the "Krazy Kripples" episode, "I'm staying the hell out of this one". However, any "findings" authored by Rick Santorum in the legislation will no doubt cause hearty chuckles and/or stunned disbelief that such a dumbass hasn't killed himself in a shower accident in the chambers of the Supreme Court justices.

(4) Treasury Chief Sees a Jobs Boom: And when it doesn't materialize, where does a 114-year-old Administration hack go after he's forced to resigned? Handing out shopping carts and reminding Wal-Mart shoppers of the grim visage of impending death?

(5) Has Cheney Screwed up Halliburton? There are a lot of facts and financial figures in this article, so I couldn't really understand it on any level. What is clear is that, for Halliburton to survive, it must suck at the no-bid government contract teat and get patently anti-consumer class action reform passed. Who says the government isn't good for anything?

TOMORROW'S ONION TODAY

1. "Apparently, this man has appeared in numerous popular films," Gergen said. "And I guess he was awarded a Mr. Universe title. But I don't understand how that would make him a competent gubernatorial candidate."

2. "I'm glad to hear they ruled out Karl Rove," said Janet Manning, a nurse from Davenport, IA. "I'd hate to have the scapegoat be someone highly placed.”

3. "I saw Charlie's Angels, but you don't have to," Hersley said. "Please, everyone, I'm begging you to listen. No matter what the box says, it's not a sexy, high-octane update of the hit TV show."

4. "At Mommy's party, the [DJ] played 'Boot Scootin' Boogie' twice," Julie said. "That guy was so much cooler than Daddy's band. I asked them to play 'Yellow Submarine,' but they said no."

5. Perhaps most importantly, keep in mind that eating just a single kernel of candy corn manufactured by a company other than Brach's Confections will give you a deadly case of full-blown AIDS.

6. Be persuasive, but not pushy. Ah, fuck it—be pushy.

7. You never thought you'd do anything to set the world on fire, but after a three-month arson investigation, that's what the U.N. tribunal will determine.

8. Conservative talk-show host Rush Limbaugh told his radio audience Monday that his abuse of OxyContin was a "remnant of the anything-goes ideology of the Clinton Administration."

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ALL AFGHANISTAN 2: MEANWHILE, BACK AT THE CAPITAL...

Only recently has the Security Council actually authorized troops to venture forth from Kabul, finally realizing that without security in the provinces, the security in the current city-state of Kabul would be jeopardized. This is currently manifesting itself in increased fears that there may be Baghdad-style terrorist attacks in the capital city from Taliban remnants, renegade warlords, and foreign concerns from Chechnya, Saudi Arabia and Yemen.

I realize that most of this information comes from a German Lieutenant Colonel who happens to lead the International Security Assistance Force, and not a pre-approved Pentagon source. I simply ask your indulgence that if something is uttered by a non-American and reported in a non-American news source, there is a sliver of a glimmer of a chance that it may have some basis in reality.

By the way, that bed-wetting, weird-bacon-eating, pot-smoking, black-bear-pleasuring, objectively-anti-American, ice-hockey-watching, Rick-Moranis-worshipping Prime Minister announced that there would be no more Canadian troops in the peacekeeping force, especially if it meant leaving the AAA-approved confines of the Kabul Red Roof Inn.

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ALL AFGHANISTAN 1: GUNS FOR KABULI-PALAW

So there's not a lot of "Afghanistan: Two Years Later" editorials and wrap-ups, so it falls on a poorly financed, barely internet-savvy weblogger in the People's Republic of Austin to throw together a series of posts. The first is a promising, if ultimately quixotic effort: getting 100,000 warlord-loyal fighters and ordinary citizens to disarm in Northern Afghanistan. I realize that the Kabul chapter of the National Rifle Association may oppose this effort with the catchy slogan "When Kalashnikov Rifles Are Outlawed, Only Opium-Financed Warlords Will Have Kalashnikov Rifles".

Currently, the numbers are not encouraging. 500 guns out of 100,000 sought to be appropriated. A 5,000 member regional army trained out of a target of 70,000. The main incentive is basically a dirty commie Afghani version of the Public Works Administration. However, in this part of the country, which is scarred with mistrust, ethnic tension, and little allegiance to either the central government or international effort, the program of disarmament and re-integration is an absolute prerequisite to having any semblance of an ordered, semi-democratic society.

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THE PARTY OF INTEGRITY AND COMPETENCE MEETS ITS MOST FORMIDABLE OPPONENT

In this corner, weighing in at 147 pounds with Pulitzer, noted columnist Seymour "The Sandman" Hersh! As they say in effete bridge clubs and your finer library co-ops, read the whole thing:

(1) The Administration eventually got its way, a former C.I.A. official said. “The analysts at the C.I.A. were beaten down defending their assessments. And they blame George Tenet”—the C.I.A. director—“for not protecting them. I’ve never seen a government like this.” Hey, we said the party of integrity and competence, not the party of consistency or loyalty. Back in your cage, Mr. Spook!

(2) Bolton, however, wanted his aides to receive and assign intelligence analyses and assessments using the raw data. In essence, the under-secretary would be running his own intelligence operation, without any guidance or support. “He surrounded himself with a hand-chosen group of loyalists, and found a way to get C.I.A. information directly” His son/pupa, Michael Bolton, also insufficiently vetted his decision to do a heavy metal album in 1987 with record industry insiders.

(3) Senior C.I.A. analysts dealing with Iraq were constantly being urged by the Vice-President’s office to provide worst-case assessments on Iraqi weapons issues. “They got pounded on, day after day,” one senior Bush Administration official told me, and received no consistent backup from Tenet and his senior staff. “Pretty soon you say ‘Fuck it.’” But as soon as you said "fuck it", the Vice President would show up with the ring finger of your wife in a matchbox, cackling like a goddamned maniac.

(4) The Bush Administration took many intelligence operations that had been aimed at Al Qaeda and other terrorist groups around the world and redirected them to the Persian Gulf. Linguists and special operatives were abruptly reassigned, and several ongoing anti-terrorism intelligence programs were curtailed. I'll let this one stand on its own.

(5) The State of the Union speech was confounding to many members of the intelligence community, who could not understand how such intelligence could have got to the President without vetting. They were also flabbergasted that the President was somewhere in the ballpark in pronouncing Niger (nee-ZHAIR).
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UPDATE: I'm sorry I excerpted the article of a man who is a terrorist (thanks for the reminder, Poor Man). I almost forgot about this exchange between Richard Perle and Wolf Blitzer in March 2003:

PERLE: Look, Sy Hersh is the closest thing American journalism has to a terrorist, frankly.

BLITZER: Well, on the basis of -- why do you say that? A terrorist?

PERLE: Because he's widely irresponsible. If you read the article, it's first of all, impossible to find any consistent theme in it. But the suggestion that my views are somehow related for the potential for investments in homeland defense is complete nonsense.

BLITZER: But I don't understand. Why do you accuse him of being a terrorist?

PERLE: Because he sets out to do damage and he will do it by whatever innuendo, whatever distortion he can -- look, he hasn't written a serious piece since My Lai.

BLITZER: All right. We're going to leave it right there.

MOVIE DEATHS: THE POST

As I previously mentioned, the Downtown Alamo Drafhouse in Austin has been having a midnight show that shows 100 Great Movie Deaths. I won't bother listing them all here, but I will list a few of my favorites from the show (it was a interesting mix of absolute Z-movie dreck, an inordinate amount of Dario Argento, and a few popular/highbrow moments thrown in). There were deaths by:

-- Sylvester Stallone driving a silly car into your crotch (Death Race 2000, #100)
-- a spear sticking out of a mirrored room (Enter the Dragon, #96)
-- making a sundae out of a guy's face (Toxic Avenger, #91)
-- getting shot after asking a street punk for a different type of ice cream (Assault on Precinct 13, #85)
-- get rolled down a hill in a Confederate barrel full of nails (2000 Maniacs, #81)
-- asking a deranged private whether Mommy and Daddy paid attention to him (Full Metal Jacket, #80)
-- having your head harvested by an aesthetically pleasing thresher (Caligula, #71)
-- getting shot with a makeshift palm frond bow and arrow (Eastern Condors, #67)
-- drinking hull cleaner (Heathers, #64)
-- watching Al Pacino overact (Scarface, #63)
-- getting impaled by an impossibly aerodynamic spaceship (Flash Gordon, #58)
-- being a momma deer in a hunter's world (Bambi, #52)
-- pissing off Doogie Howser (Undercover Brother, #51)
-- having a floating chrome ball affix to your face (Phantasm, #44)
-- looking into a peephole and down the barrel of a gun (Opera, #32)
-- singing in a Dogme 95 film during a hanging (Dancer in the Dark, #30)
-- exchanging loving glances with Claire Forlani (Meet Joe Black, #26)
-- touching a lump of concentrated evil in your toaster oven (Time Bandits, #21)
-- equipping a large robot with machine guns and faulty wiring (Robocop, #17)
-- stuffed rabbit being pulled along on a visible wire (Monty Python and the Holy Grail, #14)
-- being on the business end of a fire extinguisher (Irreversible, #11)
-- being on the business end of a lawnmower blade (Dead Alive, #8)
-- getting screamed at by a sociopath (Man Bites Dog, #3)
-- playing "mechanical bull" with a hydrogen bomb (Dr. Strangelove, #1-- congrats to Haggai for getting it)

To answer the comments from the previous post: no White Heat, no Shining (although I would have preferred Scatman Crothers getting the ax), no crucifixions, no Godfather deaths, no Kurosawa, no goddamned Star Wars deaths. The Wizard of Oz (death by water) came in at #20.

The only Scorcese was Joe Pesci stabbing a guy with a pen in Casino (#89); the only Tarantino was death by accidental shooting in Pulp Fiction (#37). I'm not much of a death expert, but I would have like to see death by Albert Finney (Miller's Crossing). Like I said, not very scientific, but entertaining.

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IS THIS ANY WAY TO SELL CELLULAR PHONE SERVICES?

I may or may not have voiced this sentiment in the past, but it is very central to my make-up as a human being on this island Earth, and I feel that it needs saying again as I plunge through another work day:

People that script, direct, compose music for, and voice radio commercials comprise the very lowest form of organic life, barely beating out those wastes of space that declare on TV commercials that they'd like to take delivery of the New York Times and dung beetles.

This unpaid announcement made possible by the newly-formed League of Liberals, the sorriest, mealiest-mouthed collection of limp-wristed appeaseniks since that group of dumbasses that actually protested to have the Houston Oilers stay in town.

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MY SILENCE DOES NOT MEAN THAT I AM UNAWARE OF THE FOLLOWING DEVELOPMENTS

1. Gregg Easterbrook has written some inexplicably stupid columns about rape, Kill Bill, and tappin' that sweet Philadelphia Eagle cheerleader ass. He apologized profusely and was subsequently given that Iranian woman's Nobel Peace Prize.

2. The State Department accurately predicted that Iraq wouldn't be as much fun as Grenada, despite assurances by Paul Wolfowitz that "sure it would".

3. Because of Diebold electronic voting machines, I will have to answer 11 trivia questions correctly before being able to register a vote for a Democratic candidate. However, I would have only have to think the name "George W. Bush", even in the line "I would rather vote for that homeless guy's mangy dog than George W. Bush", in order to cast my vote for him.

4. Mother Theresa was beatified on the fast track, while deserving candidates like John Coltrane and the Marx Brothers (except for Zeppo-- he was a punk) are cruelly overlooked by God's One True Church On Earth.

5. President Bush just declared a "Defense of Marriage Week", which was originally started to single out and humiliate un-American homosexuals, who cause the break-up of 10 million straight marriages per year. However, the marriage-protecting fervor spread over the countryside, causing the mass purification (by fire) of the land from adulterers and fornicators.

6. Alan Colmes, house liberal for Fox News, has come out with a new book, either called "Is It Safe to Timidly Voice a Few Mild Criticisms of the Administration?-- No, Not the President, I Know He's Still Off Limits--- I Meant... Oh, Forget It" or "Not In The Face, Sean!"

7. Half the money slated for reconstruction in Iraq may be converted into a loan. The foreign banks are thinking about converting their loans to us into higher interest rates and a visit from Guido from Vinnie.

8. The American version of the already excrementally bad British sitcom "Coupling" is... wait, did I already use a form of the word "excrement"?

9. David Wells is fucking fat. No, not phat.

10. Today, in Tikrit/Baghdad/Kirkuk, 1/2/3 soldiers were killed and 6/7/8 were injured when a roadside bomb exploded/RPGs were fired/ they were ambushed with machine guns fire. But try to think of the school being built/kittens being saved/Kobe Bryant trial/intriguing possibilities of the second "Joe Millionaire".

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S'ALRIGHT? S'ALRIGHT!

Looks like if I call the President a sock puppet often enough (a few times here, about 50 times on other people's comments, about a zillion times in chat sessions), editorial cartoonists will finally take notice. I'm ready for my huge royalty check, Mr. Luckovich.

Working on a two-year anniversary Afghanistan quagmire (that's right, I said quagmire! Put me on the list!) somewhat larger post. We'll see if it coalesces. In the interim, trying posting a comment here or e-mailing me concerning your favorite movie death. Saw the "100 Greatest Film Deaths of All Time" at a local movie-house last night, but there were some notable ones missing...

WE SAID "SUPPORT OUR TROOPS", NOT "SUPPORT OUR RESERVES". JEEZ, TAKE A READING COMPREHENSION COURSE.

(1) I'm pretty sure that, after bravely fighting in Iraq, one would expect something better than squalor in state-side accommodations.

"The National Guard and Army Reserve soldiers' living conditions are so substandard, and the medical care so poor, that many of them believe the Army is trying push them out with reduced benefits for their ailments. One document shown to UPI states that no more doctor appointments are available from Oct. 14 through Nov. 11 -- Veterans Day."

"One month after President Bush greeted soldiers at Fort Stewart -- home of the famed Third Infantry Division -- as heroes on their return from Iraq, approximately 600 sick or injured members of the Army Reserves and National Guard are warehoused in rows of spare, steamy and dark cement barracks in a sandy field, waiting for doctors to treat their wounds or illnesses."

(2) But remember the official Bush-Cheney 2004 re-election slogan: "Sacrifice is For Chump-Ass Bitches". Speaking of which, back in the universe of the bloated plutocracy:

"'The overcharging is so extreme that one expert has privately called it highway robbery,' the lawmakers said in the latest Democratic attacks against the Houston company that received a no-bid contract. Waxman and Dingell said Halliburton's KBR subsidiary is billing the Army between $1.62 and $1.70 per gallon, while the average price for Middle East gasoline is 71 cents."

"Cheney receives deferred payments from Halliburton and also has stock options. Cheney's office has said the vice president had no role in the contract and that the deferred payments were for his services while he headed the company. He has said he would give the proceeds to charity should he profit from the exercise of stock options."

(3) I wonder how Halliburton stock prices have been doing since the "March to No-Bid Contracts"? Here's a brief re-cap. Only a 60% increase in value? I'm disappointed in you, Mr. Vice-President!

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I CAN'T DEFINE 'IRONY', SO I CUT AND PASTE INSTEAD

From a recent story concerning our very own holy warrior, who is danger of going off into General Jack "Bodily Fluids" Ripper territory....

Take this: Boykin said of a 1993 battle with a Muslim militia leader in Somalia: "I knew that my God was bigger than his. I knew that my God was a real God, and his was an idol."

Add this: Boykin said Islamic extremists hate the United States "because we're a Christian nation, because our foundation and our roots are Judeo-Christian. ... And the enemy is a guy named Satan."

And conclude with this: Rumsfeld on Thursday repeated the Bush administration position that the war on terrorism is not a war against Islam but against people "who have tried to hijack a religion."

Am I in the ballpark?

10 SIMPLE RULES FOR DETERMINING THAT YOUR DOCTOR MAY NOT BE A "REAL" DOCTOR, BUT RATHER A QUACK IMPOSTOR OR SEX-CRAZED LUNATIC

Fate has intervened, and a fake doctor in Pennsylania has botched a castration effort for a transgendered person. This relatively insignificant story has allowed me to dust off another chestnut from the Norbizness archives... this time from July 2001, when I could only bug my small circle of friends, one immediately deleted e-mail at a time:

(1) Diploma on the wall is (a) fastened there with a thumbtack instead of in a frame; (b) was issued either by the "Cap'n Crunch Institute" or the "Vidor School of Medical-Type Shit", and/or (c) has the original name crossed out with the new name written in with crayon.

(2) Tongue depressors are still cold and have a lime/cherry/grape taste to them.

(3) Blood pressure indicator does not seem to register either the systolic or diastolic readouts, but rather spins around and whistles (a la Fisher Price).

(4) "Um... don't you use a stethoscope for measuring heartbeat instead of your bare right hand? And where's your left hand?"

(5) Examining table has velvet cushions, a small hole in which to place the champagne or Boone's Farm bottle, and rotates.

(6) Waiting room music is exclusively Al Green or Barry White.

(7) The specialist in obstetrics/gynecology he refers you to looks strikingly similar to him, but with a fake moustache.

(8) Waiting room reading material bereft of Ladies' Home Journal, replaced with small brochures on Kama Sutra or the summer fold-out edition of "Gigantic Asses".

(9) Seems to be officed in the stock room of a Payless Shoe Source; examination repeatedly interrupted by retail sales personnel trying to locate Taiwanese replica of Prada footwear.

(10) Rectal thermometer reading preceded by 10 minutes of "therapeutic butt-kneading".

Now where's my goddamned Pulitzer?

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THIS IS ABOUT AS CLOSE AS YOU'RE GOING TO GET TO FAIR OR BALANCED

And now, a few editorial replies to yesterday's 60 Minutes II piece on how Colin Powell lied his ass off from the clinically insane, compulsively reactionary, cognitively dissonant hordes of brain-dead Administration apologists. With a brief rebuttal by yours truly.

(1) "You guys are beyond belief. Where is the fair and balanced news report? Continue your left wing agenda, and get what you deserve. Fair is fair, and your guys are so anti-Bush that you don't know what fair is anymore. You have to have both sides of a story, and you don't." Fuck off, stupid.

(2) "This is really beating a dead horse. We will never know exactly what was known, by whom, when, where, why, etc." Yes we do, stupid.

(3) "I am absolutely furious with your network for airing this story without a rebuttal. This is a dangerous subject for you to cover, especially when we have dangerous people here trying to kill us." Move to China, stupid.

(4) "Did you even ask any administration officials to respond? How about Secretary Powell or David Kay? Probably not, because that would have ruined the story you were trying to tell. As for myself, the mass graves, torture chambers and rape rooms are reason enough to have stopped Saddam's brutal reign." Where were you in 1988, stupid? or What about Uzbekistan, stupid?

As for the premise underlying the above-referenced morons' complaints, "After turning down repeated requests for an interview by 60 Minutes II, Colin Powell spoke to the BBC Wednesday afternoon about Thielmann's claim that he misinformed the nation during his February U.N. speech." That's right, sizzle-chest(s). He talked to the BBC, but not to a primary news outlet in America. The goddamned Baghdad Broadcasting Corporation. It's enough to make me boycott fish and chips in perpetuity.

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LINKS TO NEWS STORIES AND THE PEOPLE I STOLE THEM FROM

Time for a little cleanup. Of course, if you had been religiously checking the nearly 100 blogs to your immediate right every day, there would be no need of this service, since you would have read about these events days ago. Don't give me that "I'm an emergency medical technician" or "I had a court date" crap, I don't want to hear it.

(1) Army Probes Soldier Suicides (via Delusional Duck). I'm not a psychologist, but I know a truism when I see one: "Most of the suicides have occurred since May 1, after major combat operations were declared ended. Experts say harsh and dangerous living conditions combined with a long deployment can worsen existing depression."

(2) Drug Crisis Invades Baghdad (via How to Save the World): (a) I especially like the picture of the kid with a bag of paint thinner and a pistol; he looks like an NRA poster child if there ever was one; (b) don't fear: I'm sure that those anti-drug commercials ("I accidentally greenlighted that stupid new Fox sitcom when I was coked up!") will be just as effective in Iraq; (c) say, is there a drug crisis in Afghanistan as well? That's just hearsay and conjecture?

(3) A New Kick-Ass Drug War in Mexico (via Drug War Rant, strangely enough): And it's in my favorite place to buy grey-market stereo equipment, Nuevo Laredo! Well, I'm glad to see that members of the elite paratrooping corps from the Mexican Army have found a pleasant diversion for their talents and are killing lots of villagers. Contrast these sad facts with the self-serving nonsense from our stupid-ass Drug Czar.

(4) 9/11 Panel Still Seeking Access to Documents (via Suburban Guerrilla): Why are you sad sacks even bothering? "Stephen Push, whose wife was killed when a terrorist-hijacked airliner struck the Pentagon, said he was 'very disappointed the CIA, the White House and the Defense Department are still not producing some key documents.'" Look Stephen, I'm sure that everyone responsible for the largest security lapse in American history has already gotten the letter of reprimand in their personnel files. I'm sure your desire to engage in further investigation is only indicative of your irrational hatred of the President and his inherent godliness.

SAY IT AIN'T SO, COLIN!

I mean, I knew that Perle, Wolfowitz, Rumsfeld, Bush, Cheney, Rice, Armitage, and the staff of the National Review were piles of prevaricating putrescence, but you, Colin? Aw, damn. Just damn. A brief decalogue of quotes that should immeasurably enhance your opinion of Secretary Powell:

1. “I had a couple of initial reactions. Then I had a more mature reaction,” says Thielmann, commenting on Powell's presentation to the United Nations. “I think my conclusion now is that it's probably one of the low points in his long, distinguished service to the nation.”

2. At the time of Powell's speech, Thielmann says that Iraq didn't pose an imminent threat to anyone: “I think it didn't even constitute an imminent threat to its neighbors at the time we went to war.” But Thielmann also says that he believes the decision to go to war was made first, and then the intelligence was interpreted to fit that conclusion.

3. “I guess I was angry, that’s the best way to describe my emotions. I was angry at that,” says Wood, who is among the world’s authorities on uranium enrichment by centrifuge. He found the tubes couldn’t be what the CIA thought they were.

4. Solid intelligence, Powell said, that proved Saddam had amassed chemical and biological weapons: “Our conservative estimate is that Iraq today has a stockpile of between 100 and 500 tons of chemical-weapons agent. That’s enough to fill 16,000 battlefield rockets.”

5. Was there ever a time when American satellite intelligence provided Allinson with something that was truly useful? “No. No, not to me. Not on inspections that I participated in,” says Allinson, whose team was sent to find decontamination vehicles that turned out to be fire trucks.

6. What was the reaction among the inspectors as they watched the speech? “Various people would laugh at various times because the information he was presenting was just, you know, didn't mean anything, had no meaning,” says Allinson.

7. Haideiri said he was a civil engineer and claimed to have visited many secret weapon-production sites... the White House listed him first in its Web page on Iraqi weapons. “He was basically an epoxy painter,” says David Albright, a physicist who has investigated defectors for his work with the U.N.

8. Powell claimed Saddam still had a few dozen Scud missiles. “I wondered what he was talking about,” says Thielmann. “We did not have evidence that the Iraqis had those missiles, pure and simple.”

9. “There’s plenty of blame to go around. The main problem was that the senior administration officials have what I call faith-based intelligence. They knew what they wanted the intelligence to show,” says Thielmann.

10. When the BBC interviewer pointed out that Thielmann was considered the leading expert for Iraqi weapons of mass destruction, Powell replied: "I have many experts in my department, and there are many differences of opinion, among any group of experts. And it's quite easy for a televison program to get this individual and then they complain."

Fucking. Awesome.

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BOSS!

I’m ordinarily opposed to made up holidays: Administrative Assistants’/Secretaries’ Day, Valentine’s Day, Easter, Mother’s Day, Grandparents’ Day, Rosh Hashanah, Chinese New Year, Kwanzaa, Boxing Day… I don’t know what possessed Hallmark to think of those particular days, but I’m sick of paying for it. My Kwanzaa tab alone exceeds $1,500 annually, and my main source of income comes from busking with a Casio keyboard on 6th street.

However, I can get behind Bosses’ Day, which occurs tomorrow. It does well for a nation to sit back and reflect on the capitalist bosses who have oiled their machinery with the blood of the workers, who have kidney-punched child laborers using heavily mustachioed Irish cops, and whose innovations in bloated, crony-heavy government remain the envy of Third World puppet states and military dictatorships.

We can’t stop there, because bosses have so much to offer. Boss Tweed can help teach children that democracy is a sad, tired sham. The Big Boss Man can teach people that caricatures of fat, redneck prison guards can make a compelling evening of wrestling entertainment. The Boss With No Eyes from “Cool Hand Luke” can teach children how to shoot snapper turtles. Boss Hogg (a/k/a Sorrell Booke) can emphasize the need for law enforcement in rural Georgia counties. And, of course, "The Boss" can warn us of the dangers of an upbeat song with a catchy chorus (but downbeat lyrics) being used for political purposes anathema to your own.

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I CAN'T THINK OF A GOOD SUPREME COURT PUN, AND I KNOW THERE'S LOTS OF THEM OUT THERE. DAMN!

It looks like the Supreme Court has 48 cases on its docket for the upcoming term. It's already made news by refusing to review an appellate court decision upholding the right of doctors to recommend medical marijuana, much to the chagrin of Attorney General John "Buttery Smooth" Ashcroft and Drug Czar John "Second Biggest Douche in the Universe Behind John Edward" Walters. Cases of potential marginal interest include:

(1) The Goddamned Pledge of Allegiance vs. Some Godless Atheist Commie Freak. You don't really want to know what I think about this, other than you know that it's going to be used as a political clubbing tool... as evidenced by subtle-as-a-flying-mallet Press Secretary Scott McClellan yesterday: "Keep in mind that you have a Declaration of Independence that refers to God or the Creator four different times. You have sessions of Congress each day that begin with prayer. And, of course, if you look on our own currency, it says, 'In God We Trust.' So we believe the Pledge of Allegiance is an important right that ought to be upheld by the Supreme Court." Go ahead and fuck yourself, Scott. "An important right", my ass.

(2) A more interesting case is whether Washington can withhold state scholarships for theology students (Locke v. Davey). I'm actually surprised that I hadn't heard of it until now, showing that people want to focus on symbolic, useless bullshit rather than actual public policy.

(3) In a case of ultimate importance to most everyone in my demographic, the Child Online Protection Act is finally getting its day in court. I'm with George Carlin on this one: "Your children are overrated and overvalued, and you've turned them into little cult objects."

(4) In another case that affects the inalienable right of Americans to get cheap-ass drugs in Mexico, the question of whether "reasonable suspicion" is needed before a Customs agent can disassemble a car is being presented. Of course, it's being tied into the war on terror, so watch your colons!

(5) Finally, in Sabri v. U.S. (found via the very detailed SCOTUS Blog), the federal bribery of public servants statute is going to be reviewed, basically on the question of whether there is a requirements that the connection between the crime and federal funds be proven. Sleep well, Halliburton Board of Directors!

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MORE CONTRARIANISM

I sincerely hope that the Florida Marlins (up 8-3 in the 8th inning of Game 6 as I type) win the National League pennant and meet the Yankees in the World Series. I frankly don't care that the Cubbies have had a century-long dalliance with futility, they're a rent-a-team that only made it into the playoffs because my beloved/hated Astros collapsed like absolute chump-zillas against the Brewers in the final regular season series. Meanwhile, the Marlins, viewed simply on this year alone, are the superior story.

The team is 10 games under .500 in late May. They fire their manager, bring in 132-year-old Jack McKeon, and proceed to steadily improve with a team of youngsters, including exciting players like Luis Castillo, Juan Pierre, that Cabrera guy, and Derek Lee. Then, 21-year-old phenom Dontrelle Willis comes out of nowhere and reels off 10 or so straight wins. Given-up-on future Hall of Famer Pudge Rodriguez shepherds a young pitching staff past a bunch of teams into the Wild Card spot. They then play some of the most exciting games in recent memory to get past the Giants.

As for the American League, I couldn't care less about either team, but I think it would be an interesting contrast to have an exciting young NL team against an older-than-dirt collection of overpriced douchebags from the AL (plus, I couldn't possibly root for a team with shitheads like Pedro Martinez and Manny Ramirez on it).

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TOP TEN REASONS FOR MAINTAINING THE AGGIE CORPS

Following Metropolitan99's recent admonition in the comments to keep blogging about Texas, come hell or high water, it's tame to wade back into the murky, pre-Internet Norbizness archives (paper and pen, even!) and begin talking shit about Texas A & M. Strangely enough, after 4 1/2 months of constant incendiary leftist bomb-throwing about politics, this may turn out to be my most controversial post.

I originally wrote the above-referenced list for my iconoclastic Aggie friend to use on his Tuesday morning cable radio show (estimated listenership: none that he could recall) to be used as a skit between Nine Inch Nails remixes. Despite the fact that he was normally inebriated and would have assented to such blasphemy, he decided, much to his shame, to play it safe and shelve the list. Eight years later, here it is, much to the delight of absolutely no one:

10. Valuable pool of guinea pigs for friction experiments (looking back on this one, I really have no idea what I was talking about).

9. Shaved heads allow anthropology students to study early human evolution.

8. Keeps local gay magazine publishers in business.

7. Training our future military leaders--- you know--- the ones who think hammers cost $7,000.

6. Marching band provides only live music in Bryan/College Station.

5. Teaches future mental patients the importance of being in uniform.

4. Lovely theatre-in-the-park re-enactment of the firebombing of Dresden.

3. Who else would spit-shine the Astroturf on Kyle Field?

2. Stirring tribute to all Aggies who have gone blind in the last year from masturbating.

1. The animals in the Large Animal Clinic get lonely sometimes.

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FROM NACOGDOCHES TO ABILENE, ALL THE EDITORIAL PAGES LOVE THE NEW REDISTRICTING PLAN LIKE DICK CHENEY LOVES SUNLIGHT

That is to say, not at all. This service is being provided while the normal newspaper editorial roundup guy (Charles Kuffner) is off vacationing on his luxury yacht, eating his premium grade lunch meats and sipping possibly imported beer.

Please also remember that many of these are relatively small-town newspapers, and that a brief review of their editorial archives would hardly remind you of the Communist Manifesto, or even the New Republic. I wouldn't want to live in or even necessarily visit any of these yokel nests, but that doesn't mean that, stripped of their voting influence in favor of suburban yuppie hellholes, they can make occasional sense:

Waco Tribune: "Talk about a bitter pill. Not only does McLennan County get the shaft politically at the behest of Tom DeLay, but taxpayers now must pick up a multi-million-dollar tab for the three legislative special sessions required to ram through an outrageously unfair redistricting plan."

San Angelo Standard-Times: "The bill that brought that about might have been named the Representative Security Act, since it will create more solidly Republican and Democratic districts, making few, if any, of them competitive."

Abilene Reporter-News: "[Republicans] haven’t shown the ability to beat incumbent Democrats — even in Republican-dominated areas. That’s why Republicans had to draw districts that would essentially guarantee a GOP victory."

Longview News-Journal: "Of course, we will never know what DeLay was saying to state lawmakers in the past six months, nor can we expect any more openness from him in the future. The funny thing is, he has no official standing in Austin, so why was he granted access to the negotiations that the rest of the public was denied?"

Lubbock Avalanche-Journal: "The last page has effectively been completed in the ugly chapter of Texas history that has been the 2003 congressional redistricting fight. The struggle has not been good for the state, and the result will not be good for West Texas."

Fort Worth Star-Telegram: "Political parties are a mechanism for organizing the operation of democracy. But both major parties have come to believe that they are an end in themselves, not a means to a greater good. This was dramatically illustrated by the Republicans' high-handed, big-footed, ill-advised, exceedingly expensive, totally unnecessary redistricting fiasco whose Act IV closed Sunday in Austin."

Amarillo Globe-News: "Now comes word over the weekend that the March 2 "Super Tuesday" primary elections could be delayed in Texas while lawmakers continue to haggle over redistricting, a process scheduled to resume Wednesday. By the way, how is the public school funding plan coming along?"

FEELING RUN DOWN? GET MAMET-IZED!

White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan is a fine young man for a lying sack of crap, the son of Texas Comptroller Carole Keeton-Rylander-Bouvier-Terwilliger-Strayhorn (sorry you had to see that picture). He's also apparently a devotee of David Mamet and his stilted, frustrating style of delivering dialogue, especially when it comes to answering questions about leaking the names of undercover CIA agents:
----------------------------------------
Q Why do you refuse to answer the question whether Karl Rove said that Joseph Wilson's wife was fair game?

MR. McCLELLAN: I think we've been through this for now two days in a row.

Q You didn't answer the question --

MR. McCLELLAN: No, I did answer the question.

Q But did he say it?

MR. McCLELLAN: I did answer the question.

Q Did he say it?

MR. McCLELLAN: Again, I answered that question, and we've been through it for two days now. And so, it's been addressed.

Q But what was the answer?

MR. McCLELLAN: I'm not going to go back through it again today.
----------------------------------------
ROMA (Pacino): Yeah. That's swell. Another waste of time.

AARONOW (Arkin): A waste of time? Why?

ROMA: Why? 'Cause they aren't going to find the guy.

AARONOW: The cops? ROMA: Yes. The cops. No.

AARONOW: They aren't?

ROMA: No. AARONOW: Why don't you think so?

ROMA: Why? Because they're stupid. "Where were you last night..."

AARONOW: Where were you? ROMA: Where was I?

AARONOW: Yes. ROMA: I was at home, where were you?

AARONOW: At home.

ROMA: See...? Were you the guy who broke in?

AARONOW: Was I? ROMA: Yes. AARONOW: No.

ROMA: Then don't sweat it, George, you know why?

AARONOW: No. ROMA: You have nothing to hide.

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A DARK DAY FOR PEOPLE WHO LIKE TO SEE BEARS ATTACK OTHER PEOPLE

Apparently, in response to protests from animal rights activists, Baylor University (mascot: the bear) is discontinuing its practice of bringing its two live bears to home football games. A brief history of the subject is found in this sad Houston Chronicle article (they used to feed the bears Dr. Pepper? What the hell?). The younger bear is pictured here.

Of course, it's sad for me, because this completely eliminates the possibility that the bear handler, upset by the relentless pounding that the hapless Baylor football team is taking, will release the bear to maul and gash opposing fans. This should be a mitigating factor for the sundry animal rights lunatics that are depriving diehard Baylor fans from some gool ol' gladitorial gore.

Growing up in Houston, I actually "met" Shasta (here in a 1979 picture), the University of Houston cougar. This was one badass mascot, capable of completely tearing the shit out of any other mascot, opposing defensive line, or male cheerleader. Unfortunately, her use was discontinued in 1989, and the U of H football program has been in one pathetic downslide ever since.

Now all Texas universities have is a heavily sedated steer, a lame-ass border collie, and some sort of gigantic, cartoonish horned frog.

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YOU WANT STRAW? WE'VE GOT STRAW!

"Remember when you said that the situation in Iraq was a 'quagmire'?"

"I don't think I've ever used that word."

"Well, Congressman X said it on July 14th, and it appears prominently in this Socialist Worker's Weekly publication..."

"I keep telling you, I've never used that word, I'm merely pointing out..."

"In any event, I have here a list of are reasons that it's not a quagmire, the length of which would stun your imagination... did you know that over 1.2 million acres of wetlands have been drained and made suitable for farming?"

"That is certainly good news, but I don't know why increased farmland would tell you whether the military is being bogged down in some sort of..."

"Were you just about to call it a quagmire?"

"No, but I don't think that mass demonstrations, car bombings are necessarily a good development."

"Do you know how many Iraqis aren't demonstrating or blowing themselves up?"

"But the number of attacks on U.S. troops seem to be escalating, and the commander of U.S. forces says the sophistication and intensity is increasing..."

"Come one, let's put that in perspective. I mean, there was a huge car accident in rural Texas that killed 5 people. Does that mean that we should stop driving?"

"Well, I'm just sick of the 'things are improving' card being thrown around. I mean, having electricity generation for half of Baghdad is good, but before the war I'm sure all the electricity was on."

"Are you saying that you think things were better under SADDAM?!?"

"I didn't mean that..."

"That SADDAM was OK, as long as he made the trains run on time?"

"I think this conservation is becoming a quag... er... I mean, an awkward, complex, or embarrassing situation."

"The Longhorns suck."

"You got that right."

THE EYES OF TEXAS ARE UPON YOU, ALL THE LIVE-LONG DAY, JUST SLIGHTLY LESS THAN THE EYES OF THE TOTAL INFORMATION AWARENESS NETWORK

Time for every Longhorn fan out there to suck it up and be cautiously optimistic about perhaps thinking about just doing enough to slightly get by the hated Sooners. If it's going to happen, I have a feeling that plucky newcomer Vincent Young at QB is going to have to disregard the insipid, stupid play-calling of head coach Mack Brown and offensive coordinator Greg Davis and Michael-Vick-us to unexpected victory. Maybe the vaunted Oklahoma defense will eat at Arby's the night before and come down with some as-yet-unclassified gastrointestinal disease.

At least you can't say that I'm not prepared for crushing disappointment. Go 'Horns or something. See you in 36-48 hours with a (90% chance defeat, 10% chance jubilant triumph) hangover.
------------------------------------
UPDATE: Damn, that was close. A couple of breaks go Texas' way, and we would have only lost by 30 points or so. Time for Plan B: Gooooooo COUGARS!

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WHY DIDN'T THEY JUST ASK FOR IRANIAN TROOPS?

Looks like the decision by the Turkish Parliament to contribute 10,000 troops to the ongoing reconstruction effort in Iraq is being about as well received... (checking The Big-Ass Book of Analogies)... as a transvestite with chaps and a sparkler at a Shriners' parade.

(1) Even if they're not stationed in Greater Kurdistan, they're likely going to be fired upon as they pass through the northern territories to go towards their destination.

(2) But we want to be stationed in the north! "Washington had already balked at a Turkish demand to station forces between Baghdad and a Kurdish-controlled enclave in Iraq's north."

(3) Members of the Iraqi Governing Council has, to put it mildly, told us that they'd rather have a widespread outbreak of anal cysts rather than Turkish troops. I'm sure that we're seeing the real value of the word "Governing" in their title.

(4) The people of Turkey, who again are foolishly attempting to participate in democracy against the wishes of the military (according to Paul Wolfowitz), are running about 2/3rds against the decision.

(5) Hell, it only cost $8.5 billion to get this done. I'm sorry I ever bitched about it.

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FIX! FIX!!!!

Now that Iranian human rights activist and attorney Shirin Ebadi has won the 2003 Nobel Peace Prize, it's time to look at this matter like it's an Academy Award or 7th grade student council election. I personally am happy that a moderate Muslim female attorney who works for human rights and who opposes foreign intervention in her country won. It's going to be difficult for people in any political quarter to piss on her parade right now, but...

Lech Walesa, who won the award in 1983 for single-handedly toppling the Soviet Union and bringing kielbasa to America, was nonplussed, wanting the award to go to another Pole of distinction: "I have nothing against this woman, but if there is someone alive in the world who deserves this distinction it is certainly the Holy Father". Perhaps that last minute decision by the Vatican to assist the spread the AIDS virus didn't help things.

Of course, I'm also waiting for the deepest, dankest corners of the journalistic insane asylum (NewsMax, Front Page Magazine, Sheep Erotica Quarterly) to blast the Nobel Committee and hand us the line about George W. Bush deserving the prize. Of course, it would be hard to top its editorial response last year, when Jimmy Carter won: "Carter will be remembered for his disgracing America, for his appeasement and defeatism, for his anti-Americanism, for his cowardice and pandering to terrorists, and most of all for his overwhelming stupidity."

Time is of the essence! With enough editorial pressure can still get a recall vote on that weak-kneed, softheaded, liberal, appeasing, anti-American Allah-worshipper, guys!

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COMUNIDAD DEL INTERÉS

I would like to sincerely the Republican caucuses in the Texas Legislature, Tom "The Hammer" DeLay, and, of course, the Lord God Almighty for beating Travis County to absolute shit in the compromise redistricting map. I can now look for new and exciting ways that the needs of somebody in East Austin perfectly fits together in Madisonian enlightened self-interest with those of a guy 300 miles away in Rio Grande City, on the Texas-Mexico border. Ditto to my North Austin neighbors, who must have so much in common with the suburbs in the west of Houston, nearly 150 miles away.

You have done the citizens of Texas proud in ways that I cannot count. May the weight of a thousand appellate briefs be placed on pressure points around your genitalia for the rest of eternity.

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GOES DOWN NICE AND EASY, LIKE CURRIED LAMB ICE CREAM

Feeling run down by global Islamo-terrorism? Are you feeling the malaise of unflexed military might and tinhorn dictators thumbing their noses at you? Try "War in Iraq" (TM)! Well, it's actually been on the market now for about 15 months, give or take. Initial test groups in last year's fall product roll-out were a bit skeptical of the fantastic claims made on behalf of the product, but a good eight months of favorable corporate tie-ins and media coverage helped. The number of people buying "War in Iraq" skyrocketed as the Spring of 2003 rolled around.

Unfortunately, it seems that certain members of the FCC Truth in Advertising Squad were bribed in order for the commercials to pass muster. Apparently, there is no consumer malady known as "Crippling Weapons of Mass Destructionitis" or "Chronic 9/11 Connectivity". In addition, the product has a few notable side-effects, like increased number of smoking craters, world-wide resentment, military fatigue, sprawling deficits, increasing regional tension, nausea, and explosive diarrhea.

Undeterred, however, the marketing department at BushCorp is hoping to get people back on board with this clearly unsafe product. They're beginning slowly:

(1) having the CEO speak before largely favorable audiences: "Speaking to a military audience Thursday, he cautioned Americans against complacency, warning that the danger of terrorism 'has not passed.'";

(2) running down the competition through a thinly disguised attack: "Bush said, 'The challenges we face today cannot be met with timid actions or bitter words.'";

(3) ignoring recently released test results on the product: "He spoke on a day when several people, including a Spanish diplomat, died in a fresh burst of violence in Baghdad.";

(4) comparing the credibility-impaired product to well-regarded brand names of the past: "Americans, he said, 'did not run from Germany and Japan following World War II.'";

(5) continuing to repeat discredited claims about the curative powers of the product: "'The terrorists continue to plot and plan against our country, and our people,' Bush said. 'America must not forget the lessons of Sept. 11.'"

If you think I'm cynical, re-read #5, and remind yourself that he's talking about Iraq.

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A BRIEF CINEMATIC DIVERSION FOR THE READING PUBLIC

A list of movies that I will impulsively watch, even to my own detriment, no matter how many times I've seen it before (for more information on these and other movies, don't visit your local Blockbuster):

(1) Barry Lyndon
(2) Blade Runner
(3) Blue Velvet
(4) Brewster McCloud
(5) Chinatown
(6) Eight Men Out
(7) Full Metal Jacket
(8) Goodfellas
(9) The Grand Illusion
(10) Insomnia (the Norwegian one)
(11) The Ladykillers (soon to be remade)
(12) The Last Emperor
(13) Metropolis (both the 1927 silent version and the 2001 anime version)
(14) Miller's Crossing
(15) Network
(16) Paths of Glory
(17) Richard III (Olivier version)
(18) Sleeper
(19) Throne of Blood
(20) Topsy-Turvy

These are not necessarily the best movies, although many of them would make my top 20 list. For instance, I can't sit through repeated watchings of The Bridge on the River Kwai, Repulsion, The Seven Samurai, or 8 1/2, but they're definitely on the best of list.
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UPDATE: I forgot to list the movie that got me thinking about this list: "All The President's Men"

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THINK GLOBALLY, GO APESHIT LOCALLY

(Warning: of severe local interest only) Sometimes, you must kill something in order to keep it weird. Not content with turning downtown Austin into a soulless pastiche of half-empty high-rise condominiums, aborted corporate developments, disgustingly hideous municipal buildings, and perpetual unsightly road construction.... the Downtown Austin Alliance has proposed messing around with our centrally located parks.

Amidst all of the corporate giveaways to companies who have routinely screwed Austin over to the tune of tens of millions of dollars, I sure am glad to hear the following: "The politics are what's tough. People like parks, so it's like running against motherhood and apple pie. But my God, we've got parks out the wazoo. We don't need more parks; we need income so we can maintain what we've got. We've got to think outside the box a little bit in tough times."

Three words for you, you avaricious horse-pleasurer: MOVE TO BAYTOWN (and take the box with you).

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NO NEW TAXES!

Gotcha! We never said "no new gigantic tuition increases"! Dumbass!

A brief lesson in accounting. If a university needs X dollars to operate, and the state cuts its share by Y dollars, then the university, with recently deregulated tuition authority, will increase tuition until it gets back up to X. For instance...

(1) University of Texas-- Austin: $700 per semester over the next two years (65% increase for a student taking 12 semester hours). However, UT-Austin may be able to save an additional $1 million per year if it replaces Mack Brown with a "Jump to Conclusions" mat.

(2) University of Texas-- Arlington: $550 per year increase (25% increase).

(3) Texas Tech: $10 per semester hour. Most of the money will go towards mood-altering drugs for students that will obscure the harsh reality that they are spending a four-year sentence in Lubbock.

(4) University of Texas-- El Paso: Somewhere between $300-400 per year. State funding per student has gone down nearly $900 since the start of the Bush-Perry mis-administrations.

(5) Texas A & M: $11 per semester hour increase ($300-$400 per year). Interested alumni are also encouraged to give directly to the football player of their choice and the recently formed Dead Border Collie Reanimation Project.

(6) Cougar High, a/k/a the University of Houston: $19 per semester hour increase ($500-$700 per year).

I'm sure if your property tax bill increased by $300 to $750 in a single year, you'd probably demand some sort of accountability out of the collected chuckleheads that comprise your Legislature. How about it, Texas middle class?

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OUT OF CONTEXT 4: IN SPACE

If you can guess which truly excremental movie sequel that particular label ("In Space") is from, I will truly be impressed. In any event, I think we're about all caught up here. Feel free to submit your name as my campaign manager for my inevitable run at public office, and use any of the 60 snippets as a campaign slogan. People with pictures of me holding a bottle of Tequila while taking a hit of Northern Lights out of a Vietnamese proto-pipe can move to the front of the line. (P.S. What is my deal with Kirk Cameron? I must discuss this with my non-existent therapist.)

45. We need your shit worse than William S. Burroughs needed his black tar heroin

46. Get the fuck off of my webpage and never come back.

47. Well, I don’t know what infrastructure means, or whether it’s an actual word.

48. I’m not Howard Fucking Dean, dumbass! Now back off!

49. Note to self: gin and Fruitopia is a bad idea.

50. What I know about political strategy could barely fill a pamphlet.

51. What the hell is that supposed to mean, you fascist jackass?

52. Really, that razor-thin slice of human forearm could have come from anywhere.

53. It's totally Morning in America.

54. What was Lorenzo Lamas wearing, again?

55. Christ man, this isn't your bar tab at Lipstixx!

56. What this little Fifth Columnist is forgetting is that blind adherence to patriotic ritual is vital to any democracy.

57. We're not talking about the music industry response to the new gangsta rap album by Kirk Cameron.

58. I'm not going to... look, shut up, dude.

59. The state that tries harder to beat up sick children with their own prosthetic devices.

60. I never meant to call you a bunch of stupid jackasses who pay attention to war graphics like kittens pay attention to flashlights on a wall.

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TRULY INSPIRING, LIKE AN INJURED TIGER WHO LIVES TO MAUL AGAIN

Bush Says Leaker May Not Be Found in CIA-Iraq Probe. The story line maybe should have read "Bush, In His Own Garbled, Awkward Code, Virtually Assures That Nobody, and I Mean NOBODY Is Going to Be Prosecuted for This Unless They're Really Far Down on the Re-Election Food Chain". The article goes on to say that Karl "Pillsbury Dough-Boy Wonder" Rove, Scooter "Scooter" Libby, and Eliot "Trying Hard Not To Get Indicted Again" Abrams have denied being sources of the leak. Therefore, they are innocent. Further transcripts of the post-cabinet meeting are as follows:

Bush (to reporters): Gee whillikers, this is really serious bidness. But there's just so gosh-darned many government employees and such. I guess we may never know... right, John?

Ashcroft (perusing "PAST DUE" invoice from Karl Rove Consulting, Inc.): Huh? What was that?

Bush (kicking Ashcroft under table): Just one of life's great mysteries, RIGHT?

Ashcroft (in a monotone): Yes. Just like the Trinity. Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to help Al Gonzales with the shredded... er... confetti for that hobo parade you scheduled tomorrow.

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WILL SOMEONE GO AHEAD AND PULL A LEX LUTHOR ON CALIFORNIA?

Your one-stop source for asinine commentary on news stories that don't involve the star of "Red Heat"...

(1) This Investigation is Hella-Interesting. Why is Ashcroft, the beneficiary of nearly a million dollars in past political services from Karl Rove, still heading this one up?

(2) New York Gets Hosed: Perhaps if Michael Bloomberg changes his party affiliation to "Ba'ath", New York City could actually get the aid it was promised. Should make for a fun Republican National Convention next year. Look for most of Manhattan to be a "free speech buffer zone".

(3) Polls Show Drop in Presidential Confidence: If you'll turn to Section 1011 of Patriot Act III, you'll see that the emergency media takeover provision has been activated by the President's sub-50% performance. Please tune to channel... well, it doesn't matter, it's all the same channel now... for latest updates on our stunning victories in Iraq, Syria, and North Korea.

(4) Mission Not Accomplished? OK, Time Magazine. You wanna play hardball? Prepare for the awesome power of Section 1143 of Patriot Act III. We are now replacing your magazine with the same 3 x 5 index cards the President receives in his daily briefings. No more agitation or negativity for your subscribers!

(5) That goes for you too, Newsweek. You wanna try your luck, Car and Driver?

(6) Oh, It's Been Two Years Already? And we're still warning about the "resurgent Taliban" and "spectacular attacks"? Looks like we might need to creatively edit that foreign policy resume. I have a feeling that Pakistan is treating this like I treat my job... doing just enough not to get fired.

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REVIEWS OF MOVIES I HAVEN'T SEEN YET

In the next two weeks, the American viewing public will be subjected to the following eight movies. I suggest dusting off your Police Academy deluxe 7-DVD boxed set in order to wait out this fortnight-long seige of pureed crap-ola.

(1) The Runaway Jury: What an august cast! Gene Hackman plays a crusty, ruthless power broker! John Cusack plays an earnest young man trying to cheat the system! Dustin Hoffman plays a rumpled, alcoholic attorney! Tired, pedestrian crap! No fucking stars! NEXT!

(2) The Texas Chainsaw Massacre: Ah, just skip it and see the superior 1994 version with Matthew McConaughey and Renee Zellweger. What, there's a 1974 original? I seriously doubt that. 1 star.

(3) Veronica Guerin: Cate Blanchett stars in a Joel Schumacher film about a Irish journalist who fights street thugs, who are all rollerblading in skin-tight silver body suits. Corey Feldman plays her erstwhile assistant who uncovers the Belfastian vampire conspiracy. Not quite out of Batman and Robin purgatory yet, Joel. 1.5 stars.

(4) Sylvia: Gwyneth Paltrow plays Sylvia Plath, the poetess who lived her life as if some biopic was going to be made about her 40 years later. Another goddamned Oscar nomination. Half a star.

(5) Beyond Borders: Angelina Jolie's lips star as a American socialite who, freed from her sheltered existence, sets up monolithic, depressing book stores in Third World countries. Who is going to actually see this? Why? No stars.

(6) In The Cut: Meg Ryan sucks dry the brain fluid of countless baby dolphins to once again appear cute in this Jane Campion "erotic thriller". Meg Ryan, of course, exudes the eroticism of a box of animal crackers. 1 star.

(7) Radio: 47-year-old Cuba Gooding, after a marathon two-week harp seal placenta makeover session, plays a retarded high school student. Will probably make "I Am Sam" look like a masterpiece of subtlety. I would rather watch a circle jerk starring the male cast members of Cocoon: The Return that this bloated Lifetime Movie montrosity. Negative 3 stars.

(8) Scary Movie 3: The Weird Al of movie franchises. Please revive the Total Information Awareness system specifically to detain and deport any viewers of this movie. Negative 11 stars.

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DUMBER THAN A SACK OF DAVID CARUSO'S AGENT'S HAIR

(1) Plan to hold a House session on Yom Kippur. Check. (BTW, it was subsequently delayed until Wednesday)

(2) Fail to produce a workable redistricting plan within nine months. Check.

(3) Blow Texas' spot in the Super Tuesday primary because of your ongoing incompetence. Check.

(4) Squabble so much that you run into serious jeopardy of having the third special session adjourned sine die, only to have the Speaker of the House save your ass by ignoring objections from the Democrats, who were the only people present in the chamber. Check.

Don't worry, California. You can have your fun. Texas will still be here, acting like Troy Aikman after his 14th concussion, when things settle down in Sacramento.

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DO WHAT NOW?

Another casualty of biased liberal reporting, no doubt. If only Palestinian terrorists knew that they had no more support, and that everything was proceeding exactly according to plan...

"Success in Iraq could also begin a new stage for Middle Eastern peace, and set in motion progress towards a truly democratic Palestinian state... without this outside support for terrorism, Palestinians who are working for reform and long for democracy will be in a better position to choose new leaders... for its part, the new government of Israel -- as the terror threat is removed and security improves -- will be expected to support the creation of a viable Palestinian state." -- George W. Bush, February 26, 2003.

"The restaurant in the Israeli port city of Haifa was packed with dozens of people enjoying lunch on the Jewish Sabbath. Police say a Palestinian woman walked inside and blew herself up in the middle of the room. The blast tore the Arab-owned restaurant apart... among the dead were at least five children."-- News Story, October 4, 2003.

"The aggression against Syria is considered a defiance of international conventions and law and is a dangerous escalation"-- Syrian Foreign Minister Farouq al-Sharaa, October 5, 2003.

Note carefully that I am not blaming our illustrious Delusional-NeoCon-Mouthpiece-in-Chief for the ongoing, depressing cycle of violence in Israel, merely pointing out another lunatic prediction made in the run-up to war. Now, in line with the current foreign policy motif, please direct me to some "Left Behind" videos so I can properly train and indoctrinate myself for the coming Apocalypse. How do I join Tribulation Force, Kirk Cameron?

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WHERE'S MY FREQUENT UNDERMINING THE GLORIOUS WAR EFFORT CARD?

Look, we all have that story about the cat that got stuck in a tree in a Baghdad neighborhood, and a soldier helped get it out, and then he gave it back to a little boy, whose named was legally changed to Donald Wolfowitz al-Hajeebi in honor of the occasion. However, I am under strict orders from my objectively pro-Saddam superiors not to report it, and instead give you the following, slightly disturbing round-up of Iraq-related news and developments.

(1) WMD: Pre-War Claims vs. Kay Report. An invaluable compendium of quotes from the guy who makes the Hamburglar look like a model citizen, the Beltway Bandit.

(2) Ex-Soldiers Riot in Basra and Baghdad: So we're hoping to train 20,000 soldiers by the end of 2004, when there were tens of thousands of non-Saddam-loyal soldiers around all along? And spending $2 billion to do it? And they're rioting because of lack of pay? Well, I won't ever question post-war planning again.

(3) Questions Raised About Contracts: Shenanigans! SHENANIGANS! I'm guessing that most Iraqis can identify a graft-heavy, corrupt, incompetent, and inefficient crony system when they see it.

(4) What? No Oil Money?!? Look, I can abide hearing a few fibs, here and there, about weapons of mass destruction, ties to al-Qaeda, imminency of threat, or the lack of troop rotation. But to lie about the oil reserves available for reconstruction... I mean, that's just... I can't even... I'm just so mad I could... (passes out).

(5) Iraqi Resistance More Lethal: Well I, for one, am not even going to dignify this obviously anti-Administration and war-effort-draining link with a click. With so much going right in that country, to focus on obvious falsehoods and deception is just the height of... oh, they quoted the general in command of the coalition forces? Never mind.

(5a) And the same guy said be prepared to kick it in Iraq for another couple of years, and be prepared for huge firefights and terrorist attacks. But I'm sure it's the liberal media making this poor, confused soul utter such patently false drivel.

UPDATE: Fair and balanced counterpoint, presented without commentary by the Washington Post.

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OUT OF CONTEXT 3: SEASON OF THE WITCH

A special prize of absolutely nothing at all if you can identify that actual movie sequel. Without using the Internet Movie Database. Oh forget it, you lose. The following quotes shows what happens when you attempt original content in the Texas heat in August.

31. I may not be the world's leading neurologist, but I don't think her brain is working.

32. What are you going to do, jackass, stage sit-ins at gay nightclubs and hair salons?

33. You may not know it, but you caused a simultaneous orgasm in 10,000 “Ain’t it Cool News” readers.

34. Rumors that Charles Krauthammer threatened to bite into my head like a ripe peach... well, that's between me and Charles.

35. Wait till that Lifetime movie comes out and fixes your boat, smart-ass.

36. I swear to God, that made White Russian shoot out of my nose.

37. How exactly do you get a bull not to do what comes natural to a bull on Sunday?

38. Circumcision inspector? Is that like Adrian Zmed, bikini inspector?

39. Does somebody bust a cap in Paul Lynde's character's ass in this one?

40. Soothe every CIA inquiry, White House leak, or pragmatist revolt with the rich, luxurious balm of dad-killing.

41. I like Billy Ocean as much as the next guy.

42. It's not phony if you're stupid enough to believe it, Dickie!

43. We simply cannot allow greedy trial lawyers and their reprobate Gulf War POW clients to collect from money that rightfully belongs to padded Halliburton contracts.

44. What about studies of earthworm populations in Mississippi?

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YOU'LL FORGIVE ME IF THIS ISN'T ABOUT A CAT I DON'T OWN ANYWAY

I so rarely get to misstate important points of Constitutional law. Via the good people at Talk Left, who give some of the best coverage of criminal and constitutional issues, I learned that the lawyers for Yaser Hamdi (U.S. citizen, indefinitely detained) filed for a writ of certiorari with the Supreme Court, appealing a bone-headed decision by the 4th Court of Appeals. In essence, here are the main arguments (you can find the original brief/writ by going through the Talk Left link). Let's play "Spot the Amendment in the Bill of Rights Being Shredded"!

(1) Hamdi has been designated an enemy combatant, detained for the last two years without access to counsel or trial court, nor has he been apprised of any criminal charges. He's been in a Navy jail since April 2002.

(2) Hamdi (according to the Defense Department's declaration) was found by the Northern Alliance in a surrendering Taliban force in late 2001. The declaration does not state whether Hamdi was allegedly a member of al-Qaeda.

(3) The defender originally appointed to represent Hamdi (but who has never seen him) originally thought that this was going to be a John Walked Lindh-type case, and that his Hamdi was actually going to be prosecuted.

(4) The Fourth Circuit basically ruled that Hamdi cannot challenge executive findings (based on hearsay) that he was an "enemy combatant" seized in "a zone of active combat", leading to indefinite incarceration without confronting witnesses or testing the accuracy of those designations.

(5) Let's face it, the executive branch has no reason to restrain itself in determing the areas in a "zone of combat" or the time frame required for a "war on terrorism", which by its very definition is multi-generational.

(6) The Fourth Circuit's ruling basically exposes any American abroad (from journalists to humanitarian workers) to exactly the same treatment Hamdi is receiving.

(7) Since the indefinite detention basically precludes habeus corpus, such an activity is basically unparalleled except for Lincoln's decision to suspend the same during the Civil War. Most scholars see this as a black stain on his prosecution of the Civil War--- and let's face it, there are not 500,000 Taliban troops within spitting distance of Washington, D.C.

In the brief's conclusion, the attorneys cite well-known America-hater Alexander Hamilton (Federalist No. 78): "there is no liberty, if the power of judging be not separated from the legislative and executive branch". Regardless of who's in power, it's safe to say that the system being promoted by the current Administration doesn't really square with the "original intent" of the Constitution--- something a 7th grade civics student who's been huffing gas (UPDATE: insert "fumes") could fucking tell you.

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SUE THE WHITE HOUSE

That's the nickel's worth of free advice given by Watergate veteran John Dean concerning the Plame Affair (it's on Salon, but you do get to see a wonderful advertisement for a Cadillac SUV you couldn't possibly afford). I'm going to go against every fiber of my liberal being and make a value judgment here: I think that the subject matter of this potential lawsuit may be a little more serious, in a civic sense, than allegations of sexual harrasment that occurred before one took the oath of office as President. Don't hit me! We'll see if "Fat Tony" Scalia agrees.

LIES, LIES, LIES, BAKED BEANS, LIES, LIES, EGGS, LIES and LIES

(1) Weapons Search Black Hole Deepens: Let's see. We need another $600 million to find unconventional weapons. Sounds like there's been some promising leads that require this ungodly sum (in the classified section of the $87 billion request) that's to be tacked on to the nearly $500 million that's already been spent.

(2) Kay Says No WMD Stocks Found in Iraq: "We have not yet found stocks of weapons, but we are not yet at the point where we can say definitively either that such weapon stocks do not exist or that they existed before the war and our only task is to find where they have gone". Shit, just tell me where to send my hefty supplemental check. This is indeed earth-shattering. By the way, Mr. Kay, we'd like you to take a special weapons-hunting mission in low-earth orbit. Feel up to it?

(3) Rumsfeld Assesses Flaws: "'It's not clear that it was off by a little bit or a mile at this stage,' he said. 'If it is off by a lot, that will be unfortunate and then we'll know that.'" Yes, just a little. Would you please step a little closer to the big "X" on the floor? No, of course it's not a "spend time with your family resignation" trap door. Don't be ridiculous!

(4) U.S. Defends Iraqi Weapons Report: "All of the dots added up to weapons and a weapons program that was dangerous and just getting more so". Thanks, Condi. We'll go ahead and be the judge of that. Here, have a well-earned vacation to this beautiful Hawaiian leper colony. Why is it one-way? Errrr.....

(5) And, borrowing again from the Harper's article posted below: "We found the weapons of mass destruction. We found biological laboratories. And we found more weapons as time went on. I never believed that we'd just tumble over weapons of mass destruction in that country. But for those who said we hadn't found the banned manufacturing devices or banned weapons, they were wrong, we found them." I hope you don't think the post title is beyond the pale now. I was thinking about calling it "Remember: It's Not a Lie If You're Still Miserably Stupid Enough to Believe It".

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MELVIN FREAKIN' GOODMAN FOR PRESIDENT

Why develop my own talking points on the subject when I can get good ol' Mel to do it for me? Excerpts from his online chat session at the Washington Post. His biography is here.

(1) These are interesting times. We now know that the Bush administration went to war on the basis of fragmentary, outdated, and circumstantial evidence...and we now know that the Bush administration is waging war against the critics of its policies by leaking the names of CIA clandestine service officials.

(2) Novak was not used in the classic sense... he was quite willing to cooperate and was certainly called because the White House knew he would cooperate. At least half a dozen journalists refused to play this terrible game… Novak was merely what the Bolsheviks used to call a "useful idiot" in this case.

(3) I believe that this matter will eventually be referred to a special counsel because it is obvious that the White House has circled the wagons on this issue. The administration is resorting to a policy of plausible denial, a hallmark of any covert action.

(4) The fact that Karl Rove was once a consultant to Attorney General Ashcroft makes it imperative that a special counsel be appointed as soon as possible.

(5) The argument should not be over the so-called sixteen words but ALL the words used to justify the war. There was a terrible campaign of deceit on the reasons to go to war and the intelligence community unfortunately cooperated in some ways with the administration.

(6) It is unlikely that Rove was the actual caller in any event. The question is whether any calls could have been made without high-level political support from within the administration.

(7) This is worse, however, because it compromises the careers of CIA officers and the lives of foreign assets. This is extremely serious business, particularly in a world where human intelligence could make all the difference… it weakens human intelligence, one of the most important instruments in the war against terrorism... that is why the actions of the administration are so reckless and despicable.

(8) The anger in the country is real and palpable, and professional Republicans who believe that this is a typical Washington food fight are missing the point. I hope that it leads to an independent investigation of all intelligence problems that deal with how this country went to war in the first place.

(9) I've worked in Washington for the past 38 years, including 24 years at the CIA...and I know Ambassador Wilson... and I did not know that his wife was an agency employee. Let's face it... this was targeted information as part of a political vendetta... a pure act of revenge... again, no more and no less.

(10) We need to be patient at this point.

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IF IT WEREN'T FOR THE FACT THAT HE DIED AT THE END OF THREE KINGS...

.... ESPN should totally hire Pfc. Conrad Vig to get that prized 18-to-34 white male demographic. He's pretty well-versed in understanding football and race:

Conrad: Blacks make better receivers than quarterbacks.

Troy: Stop speaking right now, Conrad.

Doc: Warren Moon is an excellent quarterback.

Conrad: The Oilers have gone nowhere behind Warren Moon.

Doc: Randall Cunningham.

Troy: Don't get down in the mud with him, Doc.

Conrad: The Eagles will never get to the Superbowl with him.

Doc: Doug Williams took the Redskins to the Superbowl and won, OK?

Troy: We can all agree there are many excellent black quarterbacks.

For a more historical and nuanced look at the history of black quarterbacks and the NFL, check out this article. I didn't know that Tony Dungy used to be a record-breaking college quarterback, only to be converted to a defensive back. Well, guess it all works out in the end, although I'm sure that the Colts are only 4-0 because the media is desirous of seeing a black coach do well.

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FOLLOWING THE LOGICAL CONCLUSION OF SUPPORTING OUR TROOPS

From the Salon article (just click through the meaningless links to get a day pass, you sloth!) "Rank and Bile":

"During a 1999 campaign speech at the Citadel military school in South Carolina, Bush complained that under President Clinton, military 'resources are over-stretched. Frustration is up, as families are separated and strained. Morale is down. This administration wants things both ways: To command great forces, without supporting them. To launch today's new causes, with little thought of tomorrow's consequences.'"

Well, I guess military policy is like that greatly underappreciated Emilio Estevez vehicle: "That Was Then, This Is Now"... because, in addition to constant revisions about the amount of time that will be spent in Iraq, the transformation of reservists into basically full-time soldiers...

"Veterans groups are furious that the White House is blocking legislation that would help ease the burden of medical bills for 670,000 disabled vets. The Pentagon says it cannot afford the $5 billion-a-year budget buster and has recommended a presidential veto."

Say what you want, but I'm pretty sure that Sean Penn, in all his UnAmerican glory, never managed to screw over nearly three-quarters of a million veterans. Although I'm sure he tried (shaking fist).

Interested in actually holding the "support our troops" crowd to their word? Then check out this website. Looks like the incumbent may not be totally eager to have those overseas ballots quickly counted this time around. Maybe we can get Donald "Hated by the Officer Corps" an even earlier vacation to begin tidying up the Crawford Fortress of Solitude in advance.

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OUT OF CONTEXT II: THE JULY OF OUR DISCONTENT

Find the "jump the shark" moment!

14. His face is flush with anticipation, his palms are sweating, and his eyes have gone all puppy-dog-big.

15. He appears to be some bastard offspring of hideous, moronic malcontent Don Imus and the Tall Man (star of 'Phantasm').

16. If you enjoyed being chided for supporting terrorism through recreational drug use by those dopey Super Bowl commercials as much as I did...

17. The hypocrisy of these bed-wetting America-haters will not go unnoticed by racists, gay masochists, robber barons, farm animals, and coma patients.

18. The catch is, the faithful must leave their car engines running in the garage to rejoin Jesus in the sky.

19. I am not awarding you any stars. You sicken me!

20. He is kind of both mother and father to Michael, having asexually reproduced and laid the egg that became the pod that became the Michael Bolton pupa in 1954.

21. In essence, I believe the combined heat, absurdity, and Joan Lunden's Jedi mind tricks caused these brave soldiers to insanely question the undisputed genius of Donald Rumsfeld.

22. Sounds like a winning campaign theme, you fearmongering cueball!

23. Well, those erotic cakes won't frost themselves on Monday morning.

24. He is going to bring along some 700 Club videotapes, a dog-eared copy of one of those "Left Behind" books, some Jesus air fresheners, and two exterminator's tanks full of Palestinian-B-Gone special formula.

25. Get inside the mind of a loyal Ba'ath henchman.

26. It should be pointed out that the entire team is regularly drunk, coked up, tripping, and clinically depressed while on the field.

27. Bastardos! Didn't the War of 1812 teach these snaggle-toothed reprobates anything?

28. Take your gratitude stamps to the VA and hush up.

29. Allow me to send you a care package full of discounted, day-old meatballs from our local Spaghetti Warehouse.

30. I can't punch myself in the chest and make myself disappear.

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PLENTY OF JOBS AVAILABLE IN THE DEPARTMENT OF MAKIN' SHIT UP

Excerpts from the absolutely devastating compilation of Administration statements in Harper's Magazine that justified the march to war:

"It was absolutely clear that the number-one threat facing America was from Saddam Hussein. Iraqi officials denied accusations of ties with Al Qaeda. These denials simply were not credible. You couldn't distinguish between Al Qaeda and Saddam when you talked about the war on terror...

... Iraq possessed ballistic missiles with a likely range of hundreds of miles--far enough to strike Saudi Arabia, Israel, Turkey, and other nations. We also discovered through intelligence that Iraq had a growing fleet of manned and unmanned aerial vehicles that could be used to disperse chemical or biological weapons across broad areas...

... Saddam Hussein was determined to get his hands on a nuclear bomb. We knew he'd been absolutely devoted to trying to acquire nuclear weapons, and we believed he had, in fact, reconstituted nuclear weapons. The Iraqi dictator could not be permitted to threaten America and the world with horrible poisons and diseases and gases and atomic weapons...

... We waged a war to save civilization itself. We did not seek it, but we fought it, and we prevailed...

... It was entirely possible that in Iraq you had the most pro-American population that could be found anywhere in the Arab world. If you were looking for a historical analogy, it was probably closer to post-liberation France. We had the overwhelming support of the Iraqi people. Once we won, we got great support from everywhere...

... We found the weapons of mass destruction. We found biological laboratories. And we found more weapons as time went on. I never believed that we'd just tumble over weapons of mass destruction in that country. But for those who said we hadn't found the banned manufacturing devices or banned weapons, they were wrong, we found them. We knew where they were...

... Nobody, but nobody, was more reluctant to go to war than President Bush."

If you'd like a little more fantasy to get you through your work day, you can check out Vice President Cheney's continuing attempts to become a professional raconteur. If you'd like a little more dietary reality, then you can read about the House report on pre-war intelligence. Are modifiers like "outdated", "circumstantial" and "fragmentary" , "too many uncertainties", and "piecemeal" really helpful?

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RELATIVELY ABBREVIATED CRINGE-WORTHY MOVIE NEWS

Once again, from the spiralling vortex of industry crapulence, Mr. Elston Gunn.

(1) Naomi Watts has been offered the role of Ann Darrow, an American actress who makes a living performing in Broadway song and dance shows in Depression-era New York in Universal's KING KONG for director Peter Jackson. [In the words of Tom Jackson describing a defensive back's responsibility vis-a-vis a Hail Mary pass: "Naomi! Knock it down!"]

(2) Omar Epps will star opposite Marisa Tomei and Jude Law in the untitled Paramount remake of the 1966 classic ALFIE for director Charles Shyer. [People are always asking me: "What's this bloody useless remake bullshit all about, Alfie?"]

(3) Parker Posey joins the cast of New Line's BLADE: TRINITY. [A sad state of affairs for the former "girl contractually required to be in every independent movie."]

(4) Dwayne "The Rock" Johnson will star in SPY HUNTER, a film adaptation of the classic 1980s videogame, for Universal. [Oh, this should be good. So long as the movie remains faithful to the video game and only employs one 90-minute long tracking shot from an aerial camera.]

(5) Monica Bellucci will play the evil queen in Terry Gilliam's THE BROTHERS GRIMM, starring Matt Damon, Heath Ledger and Jonathan Pryce. [This doesn't SOUND like something that Terry Gilliam would be doing. Are your sources credible?]

(6) Katia Lund (CITY OF GOD co-director) will helm LIL' ROMEO AND LIL' JULIET, starring Lil' Romeo. [If this is true, I officially hate the American film industry forever and ever. City of God was one of the best movies I've seen in the last five years.]

(7) Danny McBride and Len Wiseman will write a sequel to UNDERWORLD, which Wiseman has said he would again direct for Screen Gems and Lakeshore Entertainment. A third film, a prequel, may follow. [One weekend of more than $20 million, and two predictably shitty (or shittier, depending on your view of the original movie) additional films are planned. Things move fast.]

(8) David E. Kelley will write the feature remake of Agatha Christie's classic mystery WITNESS FOR THE PROSECUTION. [Have I mentioned that David E. Kelley is the anti-Christ? Look, Michelle Pfieffer, you can do so much better. Marry a block of Velveeta cheese, for God's sake.]

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TEXAS IS SO ROPE, THEY CALL US MR. ROPER

You think you've got a lot of people without health insurance in your state, Idaho or Alabama or Mississippi? You're nothing but a bunch of slack-ass pretenders! You couldn't succesfully give a group rabbit-punch to the unemployed and underemployed in your state if someone paid you! Texas is sitting on top of the rankings again with a 24.7% of the population without health insurance. That's two-four-point-seven, you wannabe Third Worlders!

However, being the state that tries harder to beat up sick children with their own prosthetic devices, we aren't satisfied. There's still 75.3% of the population with health insurance, and we won't rest until those lucky bastards are clogging the public hospitals with their colds-turned-pneuemonia or staph-infection-turned-amputations. That's one small step in eliminating the CHIP program for man, one giant leap for mankind.

However, I wouldn't worry about any sort of long-term trend wherein the safety net is sold for scrap at a flea market. According to Bush spokeswoman Claire Buchan, "The president is committed to getting the economy growing faster so the number of unemployed and uninsured Americans will go down." Tell you what, George "Constanza" Bush--- why don't you try ordering the chicken salad, on rye, untoasted with and a cup of tea--- because nothing's ever worked out for you with tuna on toast. Ya dumb bastard.

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LITTLE KNOWN FACTS ABOUT ROBERT NOVAK

(1) He won the Heisman Trophy in 1951 under the pseudonym "Doak Walker". He assumed that named because he killed his staff sergeant and 14 local villagers after an opium binge in Korea the preceding year. However, he was sheltered by the Ukranian Mafia in Chicago, and re-emerged as a collegiate football star and all-around ladies man.

(2) He was the original bass player for the surf-rock group The Ventures. He also showed Brian Wilson how to play the theremin for "Good Vibrations". Speaking of that 40-year friendship, he once ate a half-pound of hash brownies with Brian, leading to a marathon 8-hour sandcastle building session in the Wilson Compound sandbox room.

(3) He is functionally illiterate.

(4) Hunter S. Thompson did not base "Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas" on his own experiences, but rather a mangled mountain of notes left behind by a psychedelically disturbed Robert Novak in the Wayne Newton Suite of the Flamingo. Apparently, Dr. Gonzo was based on a young, out-of-control Charles Krauthammer.

(5) After imbibing 30 gin and tonics at a Reagan election party at the Annapolis Hilton, he body-slammed William Safire onto the roast beef carving table. He was mostly incoherent for the 25 minutes it took to get 8 local law enforcement officers to gang-tackle him in the parking lot; however, according to George Will's memoirs, it had something to do with Safire having grabbed his ass.

(6) During a particularly intense Capital Gang episode in 1993, he psychokinetically caused Kate O'Beirne to burst a blood vessel in her ostrich-like head, requiring her to be hospitalized for three weeks.

(7) He is the only three-time winner (1969, 1974, 2001) of People's Sexiest Man Alive award.

(8) He's lying his ass off about this Valerie Plame thing.

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IF ANYONE'S GOING TO TAKE ME OUT OF CONTEXT, IT'LL BE ME

Context-less highlights of a constant four months of blogging and drug abuse, courtesy of my incomparable archives. Part One: The early months.

(1) There is absolutely nothing in common between a think-tank bookworm and a superstrong Cajun zombie, but I am told by various Beltway Sources that 'Wolfie' has an indescribably pungent body odor.

(2) Nobody gives a fuck about your college, your guinea pig Snuggles, or your hometown.

(3) I'm so mad, I could kick William Kristol in the testes.

(4) The Administration isn't going far enough in dismantling the safety net, and should begin extracting vital nutrients from the elderly.

(5) Go Pakistan! It's your birthday!

(6) Look, my clock radio alarm didn't go off, I've got hemorrhoids the size of grapefruits, the goddamned drycleaner gave me heavy starch, someone put a stuffed calico cat in my glove compartment, I've been involuntarily speaking in tongues since Friday, and I CAN'T FUCKING READ.

(7) Charles Krauthammer, appearing on 'Fear Factor', is required to eat as many silverfish in a vat as he can in 60 seconds.

(8) If you wait till then, I'll send you a "go fuck yourself" postcard from Vancouver.

(9) And that's why it's a sin to kill a mockingbird, or at least it's against state law. Forget I said anything, Scout.

(10) You call THIS potato salad?

(11) How could you not love a country whose motto is "Don't Bogart That Joint, Asshole"?

(12) You simply subtract 12 points from the applicant if they like the White Stripes, Limp Bikzit, or Lawrence Welk. Take that, whitey!

(13) Was the dowry paid out in worn-out copies of "Gigantic Asses Quarterly" and cartons of generic Diamond Shamrock cigarettes?

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UNVARNISHED COMMUNISTISH OPINION CODA

And, regardless of press coverage concerning the success of the reconstruction, I still believe that the War in Iraq was unnecessary, probably illegal, based on a whole series of bad intelligence and outright deception, damaging of our international standing and our troop strength and morale, almost completely unconnected and probably counterproductive to the larger war on terrorism, and a horrible foreign policy precedent.

It's like asking whether the illegal bombing of Cambodia and Laos managed to weaken North Vietnamese offensive capability during the Vietnam War. I'm sure it did. You don't find anyone outside of hardcore Kissinger and Nixon apologists defending it 30 years later. And with that, I'm sure that I'm going to be in trouble with anyone to the right of Noam Chomsky.
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10 SECONDS LATER UPDATE: And, of course, I find someone with a little more balance providing a much better summary. "If the first war predicated on this policy -- call it reverse domino, call it regional transformation -- is slowly discredited by stories like this [bad intelligence from exiles], by stories like the Plame affair, and by stories like the US Army's creeping disintegration, then we're going to lose it. In a sense, we'll deserve to. But I hesitate to say that, because the long-term price for it will be paid in blood."

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WHY WON'T YOU REPORT WHAT I WANT TO HEAR?

There appears to be a growing discussion concerning the role and effect of media reporting in Iraq. Diminishing our resolve, etc. etc. I'm wondering if this is the last stage of pro-Administration apologeia? The international community is frustrating us, the anti-war demonstrators are frustrating, the Congressional Democrats (and a fair number of Congressional Republicans) are frustrating us. Now it's the press that's being touted as the new boogeyman that prevents this country from achieving pure, glorious victory.

I mean, the fact that a group of Iraqi kids got toys should receive about the same column space in the Washington Post as ethnic and religious tensions in two separate areas of the country, right? I may not be a journalism major, but a peaceful city street with normal traffic doesn't get as much attention as a street with a giant bomb crater in it, flaming cars littered everywhere, and dead and wounded American soldiers?

Well, the inverse is true in Afghanistan. Kabul is stable, relatively speaking. The rest of the country is beseiged by warlords who are becoming increasingly armed and dangerous due to the spoils of the resurgent opium trade, as well as attacks by Taliban remnants who are being actively aided by Pakistan, it seems. However, we never hear a goddamned thing about that country in the national headlines, even as it approaches its two year anniversary. Other places (Sudan) get zilch.

The bottom line: reporters report, and generally after an episode where things happen as opposed to when they don't. Talking heads pull it together and spin it, usually incorrectly. Mistaken impressions can be formed (majority of Americans believing that Saddam had a role in 9/11). The alternative is repeating loops that shows a grainy black and white smokestack blowing up, while tens of thousands of soldiers that come home sick goes initially unreported.

AND I WOULD BE REMISS....

Thanks to Jo Fish over at Democratic Veteran, I am reminded that Mark Kleiman did most of the leg-work concerning the tying together of Wilsongate back in July. Those shrieking that this breaking development represents some sort of payback for the investigations in the previous Administration (lying about blowjobs vs. outing intelligence agents... hmmm) should remember that this thing had laid dormant for a good 2 1/2 months prior to the front page Washington Post article today. Further, Ambassador Wilson (an appointee for multiple Administrations, including Reagan and Bush I) has been trumpeting this to little avail. In fact, I had to find his excellent August editorial on the failure of the Administration to listen to its own Iraq intelligence in the San Jose Mercury-News, of all places.

But that's fine with me. I'd rather have a slow, deliberate investigation (if investigative journalists still exist) in the style of the original Watergate, rather than the Inside Edition style of Kenneth Starr and Ted "Theodore" Olsen. Not to say that, if you click on a random link to your right, you won't get a few overanxious people offering up hopelessly optimistic opinions about prison greys for high-ranking Administration officials. I'm going to just chill out and watch, for the most part.

Finally, I don't think that it's incumbent upon every right-leaning or Administration-friendly weblog to comment, despair, or commit hari-kari over this. However, if you consider yourself interested in politics, it's going to be tougher to roll out those Dixie Chicks, Sean Penn, and "I Hate the French" chestnuts without appearing increasingly irrelevant.

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THIS IS WHAT I GET FOR GOING TO A FOOTBALL GAME...

...that I left with 2 minutes to go in the third quarter. While the Longhorns were trouncing the entrails out of hapless Tulane, the Joseph Wilson / Valerie Plame/ Robert Novak / CIA / Senior Administration official dust-up has reached the level that a Justice Department investigation is warranted. Of course, I have half as much faith in John Ashcroft as I did Janet Reno, and I thought she was a useless hack when it came to self-investigation. As usual, non-sleeping weblogging cyborgs Kevin Drum and Josh Marshall are all over this like a starving pothead on a breakfast-time sausage and egg Hot Pocket.

I may not be able to bring you breaking news, but I can bring you instant reaction to the budding scandal from Bizarro Administration Apologist Land (a/k/a Free Republic). It's the least I can do to add some levity to the proceedings:

(1) "Regardless of whether it is being blown way out of proportion, what the actual truth is, if any laws were broken or not, no, it is all about gotcha politics. Whenever there is a thread with the thinnist veneer of a problem with the Bush admin., you are all over it, assuming the worst, taking every bogus spin of Dem/French/media lies as gospel truth." I swear to God, I couldn't write a funnier, more over-the-top thing if I tried without blushing in embarrassment.

(2) "This is political season hyperbole, abeted by Clinton holdovers in the administration. The CIA could serve us better by going after terrorists and not the GWB Admin. This stinks." And maybe John Ashcroft could serve us better by not breaking up brothels in New Orleans or incarcerating dangerous bong-peddler Tommy Chong, but let's not quibble.

(3) "We have as much reason to doubt the truthfulness of the [Washington Post] as we do this administration, maybe more." Now that's the sort of laser-like probing skepticism that makes America the beacon of freedom around the world.

(4) "There is a war going on, and these people are leaking classified information to undermine the Commander-in-Chief's policies. In this respect, their actions are far more treasonous than that of the Democrat politicians, who at least can shelter under the label 'Opposition'." Now that's what I'm talking about! Some good ol' unmedicated firebrand lunacy!

(5) And finally, the right attitude: "If someone in the White House blew the cover of a CIA operative, they need to pay the price. If conservatives don't back this, than we may as well be Clintonistas."