HAPPY FURRY PUPPY STORY TIME WITH NORBIZNESS, version 2.0

STRICTLY COMMERCIAL, VOL. 1

(1) There’s a commercial with an animated young female bear (you can tell: she’s wearing a bow) who’s doing a needs-to-urinate dance. Apparently, she is concerned because the toilet paper roll next to the non-existent crap-hole is getting low. Her father rolls up on her and patiently explains the virtues of Charmin Ultra, all while holding her in an inappropriate manner. My point is, can somebody explain this fucking commercial to me?

(2) Typical construct: commercial actor plays a complete dumbass (for example: Dodge truck commercial wherein the passenger shouts monster truck slogans out of a megaphone) for 26 out of 30 seconds of the commercial. He/she is upbraided at the end (megaphone is thrown to the ground, annoying character is told to stop). Product name given. Commercial over. Is this working?

(3) Noted actors in the middle levels of decaying fame (DeVito, John Goodman, Sir Lawrence Fishburne, Andy Garcia) read obviously fake letters from mental patients about some sort of satellite service. Next thing you know, they’ll be selling their Golden Globes for food money.

(4) Philip Morris (nee Altria) tells me in no uncertain terms that there is no such thing as a safe cigarette, that I’m a dumbass for continuing to smoke, and that… oh god, I need a cigarette.

(5) Guy throws football through tire swing upon taking a sexual potency enhancement drug. Wasn’t there any stock footage of a high-speed train repeatedly entering a tunnel?

(6) Scary steroid case, lifts weights, holds rally, shouts slogans about categorically having to protect one’s house. Is this a precursor to fascism?

(7) You know, John Stamos seems like a regular, easygoing sort of fella. I am at ease with John Stamos. I think I will opt for the long distance service he’s pimpin’.

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YOU ARE HEARING ME MAKING AN ENDORSEMENT



A brief word on why you don't really hear too much about the ins and outs of the Democratic primary at the Happy Furry Puppy Gaming Nook: I'm a fairly provincial person. I know Texas, but I don't know the Rust Belt, the real Bible Belt in the deep South, the Steel Belt, the Cubic Zirconia Belt, the Corn Belt, the Insurance Adjuster Belt, the Left Coast, or New York City (which I think is a made-up place designed to sell picante sauce). I wouldn't pretend to know who plays well where, and the constant struggle to appeal to that same electoral sliver of undecided, bland "independents" is about as exciting as the Tony Awards.

In addition, the redistricting circle-jerk in Texas has placed us out of the Super Tuesday primary (we happen one week later, on March 9th), so it's very likely that the eventual candidate will have been selected by then. Then comes the general election, and Bush would get 58% of the vote in Texas even if he were caught in a three-way with Troy Aikman and Reveille one week before Election Tuesday.

Therefore, as a conscientious eccentric, I'm going to throw away my vote again on the Natural Law Party, who at least thinks creatively about national problems. When it comes right down to it, think about our two corporate (but distinguishable) political parties: how fucking lame are they, when it comes right down to it?

GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME, YOU DAMNED FILTHY LIQUID METAL CYBORG!

Hey! Remember me, gang?

I'm not one to mess with a highbrow classic of time-travel paradox, but Anna's post concerning the spicing-up of the Dennis Hopper / Christopher Walken scene in True Romance (Carmen Miranda fruit hats for all!) got me to thinkin' on ways to radically improve Terminator 2: Judgment Day....

(1) More Flatt & Scruggs bluegrass breakdown music in highway chase sequences.

(2) T-1000 reacts really negatively to minor setbacks, such as having his gun get temporarily stuck between the bars at the mental hospital: "Son of a bitch! Why does this always happen to me?!?"

(3) T-1000 equipped with pithy sayings of his own: (a) after having a large cavity blown into his head, he could say "Hole-y Robot, Batman!"; (b) after being dropped in the molten steel, "Hot enough for ya?"; (c) during his smashing of Arnold's grill with a steel beam, "Heads up!"

(4) Benign bald doctor in the mental hospital makes Linda Hamilton dress up in frilly dresses and perform dialogues from Tennessee Williams plays.

(5) Time-travel paradox solved Back to the Future style; when the last Terminator technology is disposed of in the molten lava, Arnold fades out from view, saying "I'll see you later... later... later..."

(6) Edward Furlong replaced by that kid who played Short Round in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and the gadget kit in the Goonies. Annoying red-headed mulleted sidekick replaced with one of the younger Jets.

(7) Joe Morton (scientist guy) responds to long tirade about his role in the development of Skynet with "Fuck all that shit, I'm just tryin' to get paid!"

(8) Michael Biehn puts in a last minute cameo appearance as a short-order cook in a border town diner, gives a knowing wink (with a "ding" sound effect) to Sarah and John Connor right before the closing credits roll.

I JUST KNOW YOU TANKED THIS GAME TO PUT TEXAS IN THE GODDAMNED HOLIDAY BOWL AGAIN, YOU SICK, SICK OKIE SON OF A BITCH.



Thanks a lot, coaching genius Bob Stoops. Kansas State 28, Oklahoma 7 with three minutes left in the third quarter. The four sports fans who read this page know what I'm talking about.
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UPDATE: Holy shit, the Horns did get picked for the Holiday Bowl. Look out, Washington State (tiredly shaking fist)!

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ELECTIONEERING

My fellow paranoid housebound lunatics, I hereby solemnly pledge that, if elected best goddamned Large Mammal in the Wizbang poll (an honor for which I was absolutely un-nominated), I will implement the following five-plank platform to improve our beloved junior high:

(a) make the cafeteria use real pepperoni on those square pizzas, instead of that Tender Vittle-ish meat substitute;
(b) promote competitive wall-ball (a/k/a "Spread Eagle") wherein losing parties will be bussed across town to the Southern Baptist prep school;
(c) personally hire some of the more annoying cast members from Boston Public for a school spirit-building group beatdown;
(d) require the teaching of creationism; and
(e) hire Manute Bol (the one on the right) as the 7th grade basketball coach.

Every fraudulently obtained vote counts; however, I must warn you that you'd just be throwing your franchise away on the following weblogs: noted malcontent and gay porn aficionado Hi, I'm Black; Carrot Top-worshipping Vicodin addict Practical Penumbra; ambulance-chasing bellybutton fetishist Tiger: Raggin' and Rantin'; or cat-loving anarchist revolutionary Pen-Elayne. The rest of the field, obviously, is comprised of a bunch of grotesque also-rans I don't know well enough to slander.

We can make Steve Guttenberg Junior High a better place, but you must do your part.

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EVERY SHRED OF CREDIBILITY MUST GO

President Bush, 11/24/03: "Working with a fine coalition, our military went to Afghanistan, destroyed the training camps of al Qaeda, and put the Taliban out of business forever."

Kandahar, Planet Earth, 12/6/03: "A bomb exploded in a bazaar in this southern Afghan city Saturday, wounding about 20 people, at least three seriously, in an attack that a Taliban spokesman said targeted but missed American soldiers who shop there."

For some reason, I'm reminded of a mattress factory outlet store that goes out of business 20-30 times a year.

FAKE NEWS IN GLORIOUS COLOR PHOTOSCOPIC PIXELLATION

Kofi Annan brokers yet another West Bank / East Bank rapper truce.

Now only slightly less popular a tourist destination than Euro-Disney.

Presidential candidate Wesley Clark meets newly transgendered Richard Moll from Night Court.

It's not going to be a very classy dime, is it?

$6.99 a pound for deli potato salad? I'd protest too!

The microphone was made in Sierra Leone, the lumber comes from Venezeula, the suit comes from Mexico, and the President comes from Bizarro World.

McDonald's: I'm barely toleratin' it.

128-year-old James Baker III has been hired as Iraq's official greeter (blue vest to come later).

Thanks for the posthumous Grammy nominations, you craven music industry dickheads.

The hip-hop Trek convention in East St. Louis--- not a very big hit.

Perhaps the only Northeastern resident enjoying the weather.

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BLEEECCCCCHHHHH

Highbrow Ham-fisted Oscar-Ready Watered-Down-Kurosawa Nausea-Inducing Historical Drama Starring an Evil Scientologist Dwarf Day is upon us.


It took me 2 years to grow this beard for Magnolia, and I ain't shavin it now!

Salon: I can't, even after all these years, bring myself to hate Cruise: He has next to nothing to give as an actor, other than a smirking stiffness.

Miami Herald: Cruise is also essentially playing the same guy he's played in nearly every movie, from "Top Gun" to "Jerry Maguire" to "Vanilla Sky." He's cocky, he gets his comeuppance and, in the process, finds humility.

Boston Globe: Tom Cruise is still playing Tom Cruise, and I'm not sure he can do anything else. But he has gotten a lot better at it.

Portland Tribune: (Tom Cruise is) the last person you want playing a haunted, near suicidal man. He's definitely the last person you want playing that man in a period piece.

National Review: In this respect, Cruise was an unfortunate choice for the lead. He never makes us forget that it is Tom Cruise the actor on screen. Tom Cruise playing Tom Cruise playing an American soldier who learns to play a samurai is a serious distraction.

Fort Worth Star-Telegram: In short, he's a bona fide 19th-century dreamboat -- a Harlequin romance cover model who has come galloping off the page. What he is not, by any stretch of the imagination, is a convincing 19th-century human being.

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SON OF THE BRIDE OF META-QUIZ

(1) Would you enjoy taking any and/or all of the following quizzes: Which Journey song are you? Which Tic-Tac flavor are you? Which character in Slaughterhouse Five are you? Which Revenge of the Nerds movie are you? What Disney Princess are you?

(X) Why yes, they all sound fascinating
( ) Maybe one of them. I love Journey.
( ) Holy mother of God. What a colossal waste of time.

(2) Will you publish the results on your personal website?

(X) It's doesn't do me much good if I don't.
( ) No, that's quite alright.


Congratulations! You're one of these people!

WARLORDS: MY ANTI-ANTI-DRUG, by DONALD RUMSFELD

Say, man, what's this I hear about skag production going up by a factor of 36? Daddy... Daddy needs his medicine!

Hamid, you holdin'? Be cool, man! Ssshh, there's like cameras everywhere!

Ahhhhh shit... maintain, Donny. Fucking maintain. This photo-op will be over soon.

Just great, man. I'm having a Midnight Express flashback. What would Brad Davis do?

Sweeeetttt. You are the man, Hamid. Just give me a minute here.

Dyn-o-mite!

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A FAIR EXCHANGE

I'll tell you what. I won't publish my long list of inside information tidbits concerning the President's Thanksgiving Day campaign commercial (fake turkey, cranberries actually Red M & Ms, stuffing was Play-doh, army jacket was actually a Members Only with a John Deere patch, Bush actually replaced by a Disney Hall of Presidents animatronic marionette, entire thing filmed at a Charlotte VFW hall using UNC-Charlotte Young Republicans as troop stand-ins, the military escort around Air Force One shot down 12 separate British Airways jet-liners) if....

.... we could just get some mainstream American coverage of the increasingly bizarre and discredited Pentagon account of the battle at Samarra, which is being blogged down to the last detail by poor, frustrated Jim Henley at Unqualified Offerings. His links include military bloggers, numerous European sources that are engaging in anti-American (by definition) investigative reporting, and one L.A. Times article which is about 90% straight Pentagon press release, 10% skepticism. A quick Google news search using the term "Samarra" suggests that, as a whole, all questions regarding the official version are being raised by other countries.

Wait, did I just violate the proposed bargain? Whoops. Not like this is going to be picked up on anyway.

EVEN THE LOSERS... GET ELIMINATED FROM EXISTENCE SOMETIMES

There are definitely too many teams in the three main sports right now (I'm going to avoid talking about hockey, because my proposal for them would to be to go back to the 6-team league that existed until the 1960s). Certain teams add little to nothing for their respective cities, except to make them the repeated butt of jokes. Well, it's time to separate the really crappy from the temporarily crappy, and institute a reverse playoff system. The "winner" of the playoff will cease to exist, the "runner-up" will cease to exist as a team, but the players could join up with other teams. The process will be repeated for three years, so that 6 teams in each league will cease to exist.

(1) Major League Baseball: So many teams, so little time. The lack of a salary cap makes it so that over 50% of the teams are pretty much guaranteed not to make the playoffs in any given system. The absolute dregs in the 8-team playoff will be the Montreal Expos, Pittsburgh Pirates, Milwaukee Brewers, and San Diego Padres in the National League, and Detroit Tigers, Texas Rangers, Tampa Bay Devil Rays, and the Kansas City Royals in the American League. At this point in time, the Tigers will inevitably win.

(1a) I also propose a one-time single-elimination playoff between the Red Sox and Yankees so that approximately 50% of the insufferable fans in the United States can be instantly team-less.

(2) National Football League: This league is a little tougher, because of parity. I can definitely identify Detroit and Arizona in the NFC, and Cleveland and San Diego in the AFC. We'll just leave it at four teams for now, and I don't think anyone other than rabid Browns fans will really be disappointed.

(3) National Basketball Association: As it stands, this 8-team playoff would necessarily have to be skewed towards the absolutely abyssmal Eastern Conference. The current teams would include the Cleveland Cavaliers, Atlanta Hawks, Miami Heat, Chicago Bulls, Orlando Magic and Washington Wizards from the East, and (of course) the Los Angeles Clippers and Golden State Warriors from the West. The Nuggets have one year to prove it isn't a fluke and the Knicks have one year to clean up their act, because they're definitely on the cusp.

As for the two cities that may get the double whammy... Detroit, you'll still have one of the original 6 NHL teams. San Diego... you'll still be a nice place to live.

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CELLULOID MAGIC

You know it had to happen sometime. Ten worst movies one has ever seen. Started with Mr. Cromulent. Went over to Mr. Kuffner. Even Atrios got into the fray, although "The English Patient" was listed ten times.

I'll try to stick to movies I've actually seen to be utterly fair. I have never seen a meaningful part of, for instance, Forrest Gump, any Michael Bay movie, Batman & Robin, most of Robin Williams' recent output (Patch Adams, Bicentennial Man), most recent SNL-spinoffs (Night at the Roxbury, the Ladies' Man, Superstar). However, I have seen a number of bad movies courtesy of Mr. Sinus Theater (an Austin live-action equivalent of Mystery Science Theater 3000), so I can include them.

1. Star Trek V. "Row, row, row your boat..."
2. Lost in Space. Gary Oldman, out-acted by a little yellow computer-generated monkey?
3. Battlefield: Earth. So bad it's good, then keeps being bad 'till it's real bad.
4. Weekend at Bernie's II. Yes. I did see this.
5. The Avengers. So boring, I don't think that they could even get any extras to work on it.
6. Can't Stop the Music. What are you thinking, Steve Guttenberg?
7. Roadhouse! Pain. Don't. Hurt.
8. Magnolia. Graciously promoted from the "most overrated" to this list upon an abbreviated, masochistic second viewing.
9. No Retreat, No Surrender. Although it's simultaneously in the "10 Funniest Movies" list.
10. Almost Heroes. That's a BAD Christopher Guest!

Feel free to re-type your own, but limit it to your own 10 worst... not most disappointing, not most overrated, not movies you heard were shitty and didn't see. Entries that include Fellini or Kubrick films (exception: Eyes Wide Shut) for the purposes of being shocking will be laughed at.

THIS IS ME, ALL SERIOUS AND SOLUTIONS-ORIENTED

I'll try to be as brief as possible, so that you can read the linked reports, speeches, and articles. I also don't want to be overly partisan, but I don't think that an honest reassessment and re-appraisal of our priorities can be done absent my firm belief that our national security would have been immeasurably enhanced had the resources devoted to the war in and rebuilding of Iraq gone to other international purposes.

(1) In terms of domestic security and reorganization, I would start with an actual, bipartisan effort to implement the reforms contained in the original Hart-Rudman report on Homeland Security. The synopsis of recommendations begins on page 141. The most important reform, apart from enhanced border security, is re-committing the country to significantly bolstering our intelligence assets (CIA, foreign service, etc.)

(2a) Iraq exists, and there's not a lot I can do about it. To date, nearly $200 billion and enormous international goodwill has been committed to a country that I believe has little to do (bang for the buck-wise) on fighting terrorism. To me, the countries that need the most direct engagement are Afghanistan/Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Indonesia, Sudan, and the Phillipines.

(2b) If I could make the financial and troop commitment to Iraq magically disappear, I would re-commit 50,000 troops (plus NATO peacekeeping forces, or, as Wesley Clark suggests, a large Saudi force, if feasible) in Southeastern Afghanistan, along the Pakistani border. Hopefully, this would have the effect of (a) securing the border so that legitimate humanitarian efforts in post-Taliban Afghanistan can take root; (b) force Pakistan to deal directly with its own terrorism problem, including the connections with its own intelligence service.

(2c) Saudi Arabia is really the staging ground in the Middle East for counter-terrorism, and is the 800-pound gorilla in the room, as shown by our tepid efforts to exercise any political pressure on them. If this truly is a war on terrorism, then we should be willing to accept the sacrifice of higher gas prices as there is a give-and-take with their government for meaningful reform on one hand and cooperation with global police forces on the other. Of all unlikely sources, Daniel Pipes provides the best overview of a "get-tough" attitude with the Sauds.

(2d) As for Sudan, the Phillipines, and Indonesia, countries with three of the most significant Muslim populations, I can easily see a foreign aid and security commitment to each of those countries equal to that which we spend on, for instance, Egypt each year ($5-$10 billion). If we're willing to assist moderate Muslims in castigating the violent, destructive elements within their own countries (the original point of Mr. den Beste's article), we must take radical, non-military action to improve our standing with each country while genuinely improving each's stability.

(3) Finally, I think that we have the ability to act in a truly multilateral action without being perceived as "weak". I don't think that hardcore terrorists can be deterred in the traditional, Cold War sense, nor can countries be individually cowed. I also think that nearly-unilateral military action is the least efficient, most alienating procedure that can occur. Before ultimately repeating myself, I believe that this linked speech by Zbigniew Brzezinski provides the most realistic, useful paradigm for the U.S. in improving its long-term chances to weaken, and hopefully ultimately destroy, the scourge of terrorism.

Thank you, I yield the floor.

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MY GOD, IT'S FULL OF MELANIE HUTSELLS

Have I ever mentioned that I find Saturday Night Live a decrepit, crapulent enterprise produced by an aging pseudo-hipster, and should have been retired once Phil Hartman left the cast? The title of this post refers to one of the worst SNL performers ever, a marginal character actress (Tori Spelling, fraternity girl) who had one single comedic move: holding her mouth agape in a primitive form of shock and/or disgust. For instance:

(1) Jim Breuer (a/k/a Goat Boy): I look like a stoner and can make barnyard noises. 5-year run?!?
(2) Chris Elliot: Barely recycled cred did nothing for the show. Formerly funny star of David Letterman and Get a Life, relegated to boring stock characters (see also: Mark McKinney, formerly of Kids in the Hall, Janeane Garofalo, formerly of the Ben Stiller Show, and Michael McKean).
(3) Jimmy Fallon: Apparently, demographic research indicated that 14 year olds found him 43% as funny as he found himself, which is good enough for Lorne Michaels.
(4) Will Ferrell: Commonly described as the funniest part of SNL's last decade, which is like saying that Randy Quaid's performance as a mentally unhinged lawyer in Caddyshack II redeemed that movie.
(5) Darrell Hammond: The Phil Hartman of the last decade, although basically reduced to Rich Little-dom (decent impersonations, absolutely no lines or delivery).
(6) Chris Kattan: Really, how is this possible?
(7) Norm MacDonald: Master of the "obvious" half-joke, parlayed semi-notoriety into huge, Academy-winning roles in Dirty Work and Screwed.
(8) Cheri Oteri: Melanie Hutsell as a main cast member, all characters played as if they had just come out of a 36-hour angel dust marathon.
(9) Colin Quinn: Good thing his horrific, car-accidentesque stint mangling the news on SNL prepared him for his own shitfest mangling the news on Comedy Central's Politically Incorrect knock-off. See #6.
(10) Horatio Sanz: Couldn't deliver a whole flub-free line if you offered him 20 free Golden Corral buffets, immediately qualifying him for co-star credit in Boat Trip (See also: Tracy Morgan).

I don't even know about the current cast; I'm just going to assume that they're all hopelessly unredeemable hacks with the skills of an opening act at an Akron comedy club. Makes you almost pine for the season-long memory hole which existed between Bill Murray and Eddie Murphy (Robin Duke, Gilbert Gottfried, Rich Hall, Tim Kazurinsky, Gary Kroeger, Tony Rosato).

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HOW TO SUCCEED IN GENERATING TRAFFIC WITHOUT REALLY TRYING

Brief rundown: foreign policy guru to the stars Steven den Beste writes a long article responding to an e-mailer from Tehran, going over worst case scenarios in the still-undefined perpetual state of war. Dimwitted quote-hound Instapundit links to the article using one of the more inflammatory and unrealistic "us and them" excerpts. Fellow obscure blogger Balasubramania's Mania doesn't like the excerpted dichotomy, and says so in no uncertain terms. Den Beste and Instapundit somehow find this criticism and both link to him (2 of the 11 most popular blogs!).

As a result, 80+ commenters as of posting time are pillorying poor Mr. Mania, all trying desperately to come up with the more fantastic apocalyptic scenario, all trying to emptily show their steely resolve to noone in particular, all ending up proving the collective insanity (masquerading as coolly disapassionate foreign policy realism) that Mr. Mania was warning against to begin with. The comment board is currently peppered with phrases like "They will be destroyed", "They want to either subjugate or destroy us. We will destroy them first.", "Mess with us and we will blow your head off.", "We don't want to nuke Mecca. But America is never, never going to surrender to the Islamists." (to be fair, even other commenters thought this was rather silly), "we must conclude that Islam is a cancer among us and we will cauterize that cancer from this planet", "Don't say you haven't been warned.", "Secretly, though, some part of me wants this apocolypse".

If such predictions are a dead lock, what's the point in making them? For whom are you demonstrating your true-blue, 110% American, non-surrendering credentials? More importantly, are any of you near a nuclear button? I wouldn't want you to go all Martin Sheen in the Dead Zone on us in deciding that that your doomsday scenarios are a self-fulfilling prophecy.

WHERE'S ME PLATINUM DISCOVER CARD?

I don't know why I picked this particular image, but it was one of the first that showed up if you typed in "drunken sailor" into the search engine.

Evidently, drunken sailors everywhere are taking offense to John McCain's assertion that the federal government is spending money like them. They were very careful to point out that, while on shore leave, they are at least spending money that they actually have in their hands, as opposed to maxing out four or five credit cards with no intention to repay. Actual conservatives and libertarians may wish to take note: nondefense discretionary spending has increased 20.8% (including defense, it's closer to 25%) in the last several years.

When the compassionate, small-government current President took over for that tax-and-spend horndog hillbilly, the country was on track to eliminate the public debt in 7 years. Now, it looks like every man, woman and child in America will have a $25,000 lien ($7 trillion debt, 280 million Americans) attached to their retirement futures by 2012... just in time for the first baby boomers who are hitting retirement age. Logan's Run, anyone?

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GUANTANAMO-- EXCITING AND NEW

If you want the straight-forward outrage about the counterproductive, illegal, and shocking Gitmo detainee camp, you should probably read Talk Left's series of posts on the subject. To briefly recap, 660 people have been held for up to two years in Cuba without charges, any prosecutions, any access to national or international protections, or any actual contact with the outside world. It's hard to say whether the detentions have assisted the war on terrorism, but it certainly hasn't reduced the number of attacks in Afghanistan that have gone along with the re-grouping of the Taliban and the consolidation of power by warlords.

The government is now releasing/deporting/doing something with about 20% of the detainees, who must have finally passed the unofficial "answered that they weren't terrorists for the 1,000th time" test. The article surmises that the Supreme Court's willingness to challenge such impromptu detention systems has led to the sped-up discharge. The legal merits of these cases is discussed here.

The pro-sanity portion of the legal argument is evidently being handled by a consortium of high-ranking international and American judges, as well as former military judges. So I guess we can add Law Lord Johan Steyn (the system is a "monstrous failure of justice") from the UK to the list of Chamberlinesque appeaseniks. Ditto for Rear Admiral Don Guter ("For me it's a question of balance between security needs and due process, and I think we've lost our balance"), who filed a brief with the Supreme Court on behalf of the detainees along with former federal judges, diplomats and American POWs from World War II.

Of course, our mainland justice system isn't faring much better.

HOW TO PROMOTE ECONOMIC RECOVERY AND AFFIRM YOUR AMERICANOSITY

I've found that a joyful way to pass along a relatively slow Sunday evening is to respond, with zest and zeal, to every pop-up ad that greets you on the Drudge Report. It's more friendly and interactive than trying to separately indulge in the various goods and services that adorn Rush Limbaugh show commercials (male enhancement products, Ecuadoran gold futures, non-addictive mint snuff, the semi-official Trend Macrolytics Swiss Army Knife, mail-order Lithunian brides, Kirk Cameron Left Behind bobble-head dolls, an FDR dartboard, and imitation Dick Cheney toenail clippings). Just hit refresh to access:

(1) The Conservative Book Club: Need a hemisphere of your brain instantly disabled? Then order Sean Hannity's "Let Freedom Ring" pop-up book!

(2) Do you support Mel Gibson? poll: Apparently, this is an insipid Newsmax poll that inadvertently causes you to purchase the Lethal Weapon 4 / What Women Want DVD 2-pack, proceeds supporting Mel's attempt to construct and launch a cross-shaped satellite that will broadcast 9th-century Catholic dogma in 148 languages into outer space.

(3) 24/7 Pharmacy: Free medical consultations?! Confidential next-day shipping?! Will send to rural post boxes registered in the name of your Central American housekeeper?! Discreet withdrawal of large but non-reportable amounts of cash from the federally insured banking institution of your choice?! I honestly can't think of who would need such a thing.

(4) Kennedy-Western University, an online university-- Are there actually employers not named Jiffy Lube that are fooled by this?

While you're at it, go ahead and check out the Newsmax "Supporting President Bush" store. If you can't recognize the camp and/or scatalogical value of an authentic, made-in-Myanmar "I Like Bush" T-shirt, then you're not drinking enough goddamned Kool-aid, ese!

A QUICK ONE WHILE HE'S AWAY

Finally back in Austin after a refreshing holiday with the family, and I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. I guess it's incumbent upon me to (a) gloat about the Longhorns' shellacking of the Aggies (46-15... pretty close to my 45-17 prediction. Give me money!) and to (b) comment on the President's going to Iraq for Thanksgiving.

It's easy to divide the world into cynics and crypto-fascist simpletons, which is why I do it on a regular basis. I'm glad that our troops who got to see the President got a brief morale boost, but a few points need to be made: (a) this was not courageous in any sense of the word (take it from a confirmed coward); (b) this does not show that he is "in charge" of Iraqi policy; (c) the ample footage of this event will obviously be used as a substitute in his re-election campaign commercials for the now-discredited aircraft carrier footage; and (d) in a point that hardly needs to be made, Iraq is an ongoing foreign policy disaster, and an expensive, painful sideshow from the larger war on terrorism.

Some might say: "Well, Norbizness, there's not very much he could have done to garner your respect, is there?" To which I answer: "Of course not, dimwit! Haven't you been reading this thing?" The multi-flank public relations blitz to show that he has some sort of personal touch vis-a-vis Iraq is six months late and about $200 billion short.

ONE NON-FOOTBALL THOUGHT

"The word 'bipartisan' usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out."-- George Carlin.

Of course, he wrote that in 1996. Couldn't possibly be (Medicare, energy bill) applicable these days.

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SEE YOU IN A WEEK



My only Thanksgiving prediction: Longhorns 45, Aggies 17.

I AM OFFICIALLY TELLING YOU THAT I GOT NOTHIN'

Other than to apologize for the people who have accessed this page via the following internet searches, although #3 may have been part of an actual post:

Joan Lunden's obituary

michael hutchence death hamster

Keith Olbermann + Brain trauma

www. sex live cam dick guy. com.

scooby doo 2 monsters unleashed songs

arguments on puppy abuse

precision puppy pen

strength of five gorillas

Playstation "Get On Board Now"

POOR, UNLOVED LITTLE ENERGY BILL

It's like the little fat kid in the Goonies (Chunk? Is that right? According to imdb.com, he's a UC-Berkeley graduate and entertainment lawyer? That doesn't sound right.), all 1200 pages of its pork-riddled, sad, cloistered existence. Apparently just enough Northeastern Republicans (and John McCain) were horrified by Tom DeLay's last minute insertion of a provision "[which exempted] methyl tertiary butyl ether (MTBE), a gasoline additive, from product liability lawsuits. It was blended into gasoline during the 1990s to make it burn cleaner, but is now blamed for affecting water supplies in more than 1,500 communities, with clean-up costs in the billions of dollars."

Despite this montrosity, plenty of corn-belt Democrats still managed to get bought off by the numerous ethanol subsidies contained in the bill (and Daschle, after unsuccessfully voting for cloture, still managed to retain the gall to criticize it. That's a BAD Minority Leader!) In a sentence I'd never thought I'd type, thank God for John McCain (who labeled the bill the "The No Lobbyist Left Behind Act of 2003") and John Sununu.

Of course, the genesis of this bill was the Vice President's Energy Task Force Committee, whose papers are still not being released despite numerous court victories for the un-American forces for open government. The fact that 13 Democrats voted for this Frankenstein-ish special interest wet dream, because one of the special interests happened to be ethanol producers, is to their ultimate discredit.

OPENING VOLLEY

From the first Republican President TV advertisement of what's going to be a long, depressing next 11 months in the campaign season: "Some are now attacking the president for attacking the terrorists." After that highly misleading line, we are treating to, surprisingly enough, no concrete examples. It's almost as if having a two-party system, in which Democratic candidates vie for a position in the general election, is an attack in itself.

I guess that the only way this can be plausibly read is in conjunction with Dick Cheney's highly implausible and widely discredited assertion that Iraq was Phase II of, or the new central front on, the War on Terror. Of course, the true explanation of where the non-existent, highly decentralized "front" would take much longer than a disgusting 30-second TV advertisement. The recent attacks in Turkey, Saudi Arabia, and Morocco (along with the regrouping of the Taliban, with the assistance of certain Pakistani elements) show that al-Qaeda, unfortunately, is not slowing down. (For a more thorough analysis of the actual War on Terror, check out this fine post from Eve of the Apocalypse.)

In short, General Clark was right: the activity in Iraq is a sideshow in the War on Terror. We have 130,000 troops committed to rebuilding a country barely connected with the enemies who attacked us, yet there are only 11,000 coalition troops trying to secure Afghanistan (and by extension, put pressure on Pakistan). This is what is commonly known as a "diversion of resources". Further, we have squandered our international goodwill on the bullheaded drive for war in Iraq, have reduced our international stature immeasurably, and are fuelling anti-American sentiment in moderate Islamic and Arab states.

In short: I'm all for our (hopefully unemployed in 15 months) President to go after Al-Qaeda with the assistance of native governments, I'm all for accountability and transparency in realistically sizing up our past mistakes (stonewalling of the independent 9/11 commission, anyone?), and I'm all for actually funding our security infrastructure (recent boxcutter smuggling story, anyone?). The question is: when is he going to get serious about it?

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RANK THE IDIOCY!

(1) James Lileks, bewilderingly semi-famous writer, directed at the famous Baghdad blogger who had the unmitigated nerve to write in to the Guardian in criticizing the reconstruction/security effort:

"Hey, Salam? Fuck you. I know you’re the famous giggly blogger who gave us all a riveting view of the inner circle before the war, and thus know more about the situation than I do. Granted. But there’s a picture on the front page of my local paper today: third Minnesotan killed in Iraq. He died doing what you never had the stones to do: pick up a rifle and face the Ba’athists. You owe him."

(As for me, I couldn't go help for the following reasons: I have a terrible case of gingivitis, my adorable little scamp of a daughter is taking up finger painting next week, and that nativity scene in my front yard won't assemble itself. Writing insanely reactionary columns is all I can do, dammit!)

(2) Kyra Phillips, possibly brain-dead CNN interviewer of the doctor taking care of the Iraqi limbless boy in April 2003: "'Doctor, does he understand why this war took place? Has he talked about Operation Iraqi Freedom and the meaning. Does he understand it?'" (the answer, strangely enough, was "Actually, we don't discuss this issue with him because he is -- the burn cases, and the type of injury, he's in very bad psychological trauma.")

Still gotta go with #2.

REVERSE PERISTALSIS, PART TWO

Johno over at the Ministry of Minor Perfidy points out wonderful innovations in strengthening heterosexual marriage that may be undone by civil unions, such as (1) Las Vegas, (2) reality shows, (3) trophy wives, and (4) Congressmen and their staffers. How can we let such a hallowed institution be sullied by two committed members of the same sex?

Nico Pitney, a new contributor at Not Geniuses, goes over reactions to Governor Dean's "re-regulation" plan, which I have to admit is not a very winning phrase. How about "Smart Regulation" or "Ex-TREME Regulation"?

Charles Kuffner at Off the Kuff dissects recent personnel decisions by my beloved Houston Dis-Astros, much to the interest of me, him, and about 6 commenters. Not planning to return to Houston for a World Series victory parade any time soon.

Dave Neiwert at Orcinus tells us why Biblical societies back in the day were firmly against miscegenation, leading me to believe that we'll hear as much outrage about gay marriage in 2040 as we're hearing about interracial marriages today.

Andrew at the Poor Man, fed up with all the bullshit we voluntarily read in the blogosphere every day, comes up with rules for posting known as Blogme 03, which should go over as well as Dogme 97. I had a manifesto once (check the very early archives). Once.

Seb over at Sadly, No takes a typically Pollyannish, ill-considered quip by Andrew Sullivan concerning Afghanistan and proceeds to go to absolute town on his stunning ignorance.

South Knox Bubba provides a detailed re-cap of the Salon interview with Robert Kennedy, Jr., who is currently the general counsel for the Natural Resources Defense Council (NRDC). It's been said before, but if you must read one Salon interview with RFK, Jr. this year-- read this one, and perhaps we can start giving a shit about the environment again.

Susan at Suburban Guerrilla has an especially funny run-down of today's London protest signs directly from one of her many international correspondents.

BONUS LINK: For the New Weblog Showcase, Rob at Anarchy Zero for his run-down of disturbing developments in Iraq that are giving even our allies pause.

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REGURGITATION

Since that seems to be the symptom du jour with my current illness, I might as well feed you the following, interesting takes on current events like a mother bird feeds her nestlings (for continuing Jacko coverage, I'm afraid you'll have to resort to every single goddamned news and entertainment television channel in the known universe):

The Angry Bear has a very interesting series of posts concerning whether the current Administration is becoming protectionist, and whether he is in the process of completing the Hoover trifecta. I personally am looking forward to the re-emergence of Hoovervilles in East Austin.

Hope at the Appalachia Alumni Association continues to track the impact of the proposed Medicare drug legislation and its strange interaction with Medicaid. Uggabugga, naturally, has graphics.

Jeanne at Body and Soul provides ongoing coverage of the bizarre case of Maher Arar, a Canadian citizen handed over to Syria in the "war on terror" when that country promised not to torture him. Yes, that's the same Syria we'll probably be invading next. Try not to think about it.

Elton at Busy, Busy, Busy reads and summarizes another brain-splittingly inane column from Tom Friedman concerning his love-hate-love-hate-love-hate relationship with the Administration's policies in Iraq.

Jo Fish at Democratic Veteran undertakes the painfully quixotic task of reconciling international law with Richard "Prince of Darkness" Perle's candid admissions from London yesterday.

Kate at Electric Venom reveals that Buckingham Palace may be the next candidate for one of those interminable 38-hour Changing Rooms marathons on BBC America.

Steven at Ethel the Blog revels in the lost art of getting shit-faced at your dead-end, soul-sapping place of employment.

Kriston at Grammar Police ties together the recent horrific bombings in Turkey with the lack of actual foreign fighters in Iraq (very concisely, I might add) to hopefully defecate on and dispose of that insane "flypaper" theory once and for all.

Everybody's favorite wacky objectivist, Arthur Silber from the Light of Reason, is back from the abyss.

More later, gastric juices permitting.

I LOVE HOW THESE NAMES ROLL OFF THE TONGUE

I just got back from a science fiction literature convention, and it seems that today's writers are coming up with the strangest characters and places:

Gulbuddin Hekmatyar: Some sort of "renegade warlord" on a distant planet, calling upon some ancient religious texts to aid in his struggle against foreign invaders. Evidently not someone to be trifled with.

Zalmay Khalilzad: A wise man and envoy who returns to his native galaxy, issuing strange and prescient edicts concerning the rise of a dangerous foe, once thought vanquished.

Afghanistan: I saw a little bit of publicity for this-- but there were other, flashier booths for "Iraq VII: Dungeonmaster"; "Commander Michael Jackson and the Asteroid of Despair"; and "Civilunionimacon".

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DESERT ISLAND DISCS

In response to Balloon Juice's challenge, and I kept to ten.. er.. collections. You'll notice the absence of Ambrosia, Alien Ant Farm, and Dream Theater. I'm so sorry.

1. Stereolab: Emperor Tomato Ketchup
2. Tribe Called Quest: The Low End Theory
3. Kraftwerk: Man Machine
4. Buzzcocks: Singles Going Steady
5. The Kinks: Are The Village Green Preservation Society
6. Camper van Beethoven: Our Beloved Revolutionary Sweetheart
7. Talking Heads: Sand in the Vaseline (2-disc compilation)
8. Wendy Carlos: Switched-On Boxed Set
9. Fats Domino: My Blue Heaven
10. Propellerheads: Deck Drums & Rock and Roll

I swear to God, I'll shut down the comments on this one so quick it'll make your head spin.

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MORE ROCK CATEGORIES FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT

Thanks to Mr. Cromulent and Michele at A Small Victory (and their commenters) for the following additional categories of rock that many people find objectionable:

1. Pretentious Rock: Bands in this category usually have at least one member who is classically trained and never lets an interviewer leave that part out. They will claim their influences are Hendrix, The Ramones [ed: ?!?] and Beethoven. Look for long, drawn out solos, lyrics that reference great works of literature and concept albums. Bands include: Yes, Genesis (early Genesis), Emerson, Lake and Palmer, Iron Maiden, Dream Theater. [No, its progressive, like an early 20th century Wisconsin Senator! A shorter definition would be bands that not only know how to play, but never, ever let you forget it; Rick Wakeman is the ultimate example].

2. Suck Rock: Any band whose lead singer is an ugly miscreant and whose music makes one wish for temporary deafness. Band: Limp Bizkit. It's their very own category. [ed: What about Creed? The suckiest band of suckers that ever sucked!]

3. Spendthrift Rock: Bands that rely on mussed hair, thrift-shop clothes and low quality recording "effects" to pass off their music as hip and nostalgic. Includes The White Stripes and The Strokes. Pioneered by the catchier and more intelligent Local H. Originally invented by the Ramones, but they are immune because no one had ever gotten so famous off a bunch of 3-chord songs before. [ I could start a whole new post on lo-fi, lo-soul, lo-talent college rock poseurs that I have hated throughout history: Pavement, Sebadoh, Archers of Loaf, etc]

4. Scrap Rock: What better way to cement your band's future obscurity than by releasing a cover song as your first single? I'm sure looking forward to the Ataris ("Boys of Summer") and Alien Ant Farm ("Smooth Criminal") joining Love Spit Love ("How Soon Is Now?") and Tiffany ("I Think We're Alone Now") on Crest Toothpaste's "Monsters of Mall" Tour in 2013.

5. My musical co-editor, Uncle Jeffington, reminds me that (a) Butt Rock bands should include Faster Pussycat, Pretty Boy Floyd, Tora Tora Tora, Mr. Big, Great White, LA Guns, Nelson, Built to Spill, Twisted Sister, Bon Jovi, Vinnie Vincent, Europe, Night Ranger and Extreme; (b) Shit Rock II [a/k/a reconstituted Shit Rock] should include Damn Yankees and Bad English; and (c) who could fill out a Wuss Rock roster without Ambrosia, Captain & Tennille, Hall & Oates, and Bread?

WELL YOU KNOW MY NAME IS GEORGIE, AND I LIKE TO DO DRAW-RINGS

In an ongoing discussion of protests and the President's visit at the Daily Rant (my favorite place to act all irrational and leftist), I posted the following facetious comment:

"There's only one thing to be done in response to [protests]: close down everything for 10 days (including the underground), cancel the speech before Parliament, enforce a 10.3 mile zone of free speechery, suspend all air traffic, make anyone touching the President to have to do so with radioactive material gloves, immunize Secret Service agents from their shooting innocent people, and pre-emptively tear-gas most of Knightsbridge."

Based on my review of all of the news articles on the visit, I think that radioactive gloves and the tear-gassing of Knightsbridge were the only things not actually discussed. Crooked Timber notes that, although the partial purpose of the visit was to forcefully advocate for his blinkered foreign policy, he's pulling out of the speech to Parliament. Hesiod picks up on a Daily Mirror article that suggests that families of British military he will meet will be pre-screened so that nothing embarrassing is said or implied. And, of course, if something disagreeable does enter the President's mobile panic room, the non-response du jour ("This just shows the value of free speech") has already been thoroughly tested and mother-approved. Hopefully, the 14,000 police officers assigned to this small detail (only 3,000 more than the number of coalition soldiers in the whole of Afghanistan!) will see that this gross indignity does not occur.

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DEALER SHOWS 18. PUSH.

To selectively quote the schmuck who took over for Andrew McCarthy in Mannequin II: Death to Carter-- "I have absolutely no opinion concerning the recent decision of the Massachusetts Supreme Court concerning gay marriages. I really don't know what 'The Full Faith and Credit Clause' is all about, the different levels of scrutiny frighten and embarrass me, and the interplay between this decision and future legislative manuevers is of supreme disinterest to me."

Meshach Taylor, the only "star" to appear in both Mannequin movies, opined thusly: "Put pennies in my eyes, cuz I sure don't beleive what I'm seein'!"

WHO SHOULD THE ADMINISTRATION PISS OFF THIS WEEK?

(1) Military families over the closing of on-base schools? Sounds like a PR winner to me.

(2) A nearly-libertarian Republican congressman over the empty slogan "supporting the troops"? Well, he's kind of out there anyway. (via James Landrith)

(3) The families of 9/11 victims over your ongoing battle to suppress information from the independent commission investigating the terrorist attack? Can't possibly see that one backfiring during the New York convention in 2004.

(4) The families of dead British armed forces? They didn't have a vote, last I checked. On a related note, how is President Sock Puppet going to spend his National Lampoon's British Vacation? In a plastic bubble in one of Buckingham Palace's many panic rooms?

On the agenda for the upcoming week: British royalty, Miss United Kingdom 2002, MI6, Dame Judi Dench, St. Paul's Cathedral, the British dental profession, and several sheep. Non-voters, the lot of them!

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AND NOW, THE AMERICAN MUSIC AWARD FOR MOST UNSTABLE COUNTRY...

Looks like Afghanistan, the little tiny country that time forgot, is making a minor publicity push through its agents to get re-noticed. I know that it's difficult, with only so much of the cable new television screen available for war-related graphics (and, of course, Afghanistan is easy to miss, all tucked away on the world maps down by Guatemala). For some reason, I don't think the newly approved Iraqi textbooks or news services will be covering any of the following developments:

(1) General Abizaid starts describing combat operations in Afghanistan as "every bit as much and every bit as difficult as those that go on in Iraq." Apparently, the usual suspects (Taliban remnants, opium-financed warlords) are continuing to scuttle plans for any sort of legitimate government outside of Kabul, and are really messing up Disney World-- Kandahar preparations.

(2) But don't worry, there's decisive action afoot (Operation Emerald Claw? Infinite Circular Saw?) Hell, they're only 98,800 local militia disarmings away from the projected goal of 100,000 established a couple of months ago.

(3) Nicholas Kristof, taking a much-needed time out from his "Fast for Liberal Civility 2003", has decided to actually write a column about the deteriorating security situation in Afghanistan. It seems that heroin production is up 19-fold, schools are being burned down in fundamentalist regions. Please take time to read it until you get about halfway through, when Nick's completely inappropriate response to religious mutilation kind of ruins the whole column.

(4) Taking a page out of the Iraq playbook, Taliban remnants decide to scare the shit out of UN relief agencies by engaging in a horrific murder of an aid worker.

I guess we weren't lying when we said we sucked at military nation-building ["Let me tell you what else I'm worried about: I'm worried about an opponent who uses nation building and the military in the same sentence."-- George W. Bush, November 7, 2000].

SCREW IT, HERE'S A CAPTION CONTEST



Yes, that's Paul Wolfowitz. Let's hope the link to the picture holds up. Winner announced Monday, unless nobody chooses to participate. But come on now. OK, here's a start: "Wolfowitz drew the short end of the stick prior to the high-radioactivity weapon prototype test."
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UPDATE: Although I would sorely like to name myself the winner, and I do like Stradiotto's attempt to synthesize my Brit band pictures that are interspersed in the links with the caption contest ("Baghdad spirals into an eighties pop nightmare"?!?), Kriston wins (absolutely nothing) with:

Morpheus: "What? Trinity, this isn't the right guy. I said Neo, not neocon."

We're all geeks now. And the crowd goes nuts.

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TIME FOR A NEW LOAD OF STORIES AND LINKS FOR THE TOXIC WASTE DUMP

(1) Bushlies.com. I heard it's written by a guy who works for The Nation, so obviously it's infused with a lot of Stalinist bias. Same goes for John W. Dean, who wrote a positive review of the underlying book while being held hostage by gay atheist animal liberation transsexuals.

(2) Are we going to be in a rush to count those military votes in 2004? True to form for the "supporting the troops with platitudes" Administration, the ballots will probably be mailed out postage due.

(3) Iraqification: A Losing Strategy. Another journalist rips the virtual reality Kool-Aid I-V tube out of his arm long enough to write a column decrying the "quick transfer of power" which is being implemented now.

(4) Majority of Americans Diapprove of Iraq Policy. And this was before the chopper tragedies, the Italian fiasco, and the hasty foreign policy three-card monte this week. Of course, as you know, I'm nervous being in the possibly temporary majority.

(5) Voluntary compliance, my favorite environmental oxymoron. Follows the Administration pattern of stabbing meritorious claims in the back (see also retroactive class action rules). I'm sure that this systematic fucking over of the air and water will bring jobs aplenty, won't it? Don't worry, I'm not holding my breath, except literally.

(6) The White House War with the CIA. Interview with Thomas Powers, who obviously values his precious intelligence information more than he values propping up a thoroughly corrupt and chronically deceptive Administration. I mean, look at this guy! He probably listens to the Melvins or the Screaming Trees while dreaming up ways to tarnish our God-sent executive. Disgusting!

(7) Where My Jobs At? I said it before, I'll say it again. If anyone understands the economic barabajagal in the linked article, feel free to explain it to me. I'm tired.

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UNINSPIRED LINKING WITH RECKLESS ABANDON PART 2

Oliver Willis, although he regularly "jumps the blog shark" with Paris Hilton references, has an ongoing discussion about the use of "chickenhawk" which you've probably already seen. My thoughts: I don't mind anyone's ill-informed foreign policy opinion (including my own), but I definitely value the opinions of actual foreign policy experts and servicemen/women over those of my fellow couch potatoes.

Billmon at Whiskey Bar talks about the bond market... at least that's my best guess. Will someone please summarize it for me?

MBW at Wampum, proving that historical parallels are not totally passe, goes back in time to view the economic data and political developments at this time in 1991.

The Talking Dog has an ongoing conversation with William Kristol, or so it would seem. For a while, I thought I was having a heated discussion with Spiro Agnew, until I realized he had been dead for quite a while.

The S-Train Canvass details how he spent Veterans' Day with (gasp) an actual veteran!

South Knox Bubba does more analysis than I ever would concerning General Clark's plan for Iraq, which he notes has the actual advantage of being a plan.

Sadly, No! continues to chronicle John Bolton's steel-cage verbal match with the Axis of Evil. Well, at least we've given the world a crackpot to snicker at.

Ted at Rocket Jones attempts to further sap the purity of manly essence from his male readership by offering kitchen tips for the holidays.

Andrew at the Poor Man comes up with the comprehensive list of top 20 lists to end all comprehensive lists of top 20 lists. Although I have to admit that I prefer the prequel to "My Dinner With Andre", a one-man show with Wallace Shawn entitled "Where the Fuck is Andre? I've Been Eating Breadsticks for 2 Hours!"

Pete at a Perfectly Cromulent Blog contributes several new categories of bullshit rock music, including bands that I am aware of (Papa Roach, Sum 41) but whose existence I politely deny in mixed company.

Emma at Notes on the Atrocities announces a grandiose film project that I don't really understand because I kind of zoned out after the first paragraph. Perhaps you readers can do better than me.

C.J. at The Nitpicker goes over President Bush's absolute commitment to free and unfettered speech, so long as it's in a foreign country and still occurs at least 8.4 miles away from his Secret Service posse.

Max at Maxspeak goes over both sides of the argument concerning the ongoing Iraqi police action... er... ongoing war... er... occupation (hell no, not occupation, jackass!)... transitional period. At least, that's what I think he's doing.

Enjoy them all, but be constantly wary of the strain on your right hand's index finger. We don't need any more internet casualties.

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PLAGIARISM-FEST 2003 CONTINUES UNABATED

If I had a Bible, it would probably be George Carlin's "Brain Droppings". Of course, the irony would be that he and I are both pretty much atheists. From the holy book of the Norbizness Bible entitled "People Who Should Be Phased Out":

(1) Guys who always harmonize the last few notes of "Happy Birthday"
(2) Men who propose marriage on the Jumbotron.
(3) People who know a lot of prayers by heart.
(4) Guys who wear suits all day and think an earring at night makes them cool.
(5) People who say "knock knock" on entering a room and "beep beep" when someone is in their path.
(6) People who have memorized a lot of TV theme songs and are proud of it.
(7) Guys who can juggle, but only a little bit.
(8) Athletes and coaches who give more than 100 percent.
(9) Blind people who don't want any help.
(10) Guys who flash me the "thumbs-up" sign. Especially if they're winking and making the peace sign with the other hand.

On the positive side, he does like guys who say "cock-a-roach", permanently disfigured gun collectors, and guys who don't know what they're doing and won't admit it.

WHEN YOU CAN'T LINK THE ONE YOU LOVE, LINK THE ONE YOU'RE WITH

(audience groans). Although I steadfastly maintain that you should be reading every website to your right with a fanaticism not unlike Ben Wallace grabbing a rebound, sometimes you need a gentle nudge. This nudge becomes all the more important when I don't feel like expending the energy to rip them off and make a half-assed attempt to pass their ideas off as my own original content:

The Agitator wonders if there's a principled case for fiscal conservatives and/or libertarians to completely give up on Bush the Younger.

The Angry Bear, who claims to be a dismal scientist, makes a run-through of economists to wonder whether 2004 will bring an economic slowdown and/or recession.

Hope at the Appalachian Alumni Association goes over the latest developments concerning the negotiations for a Medicare prescription drug benefit.

The Mania of Balasubramania maniacally goes over the ideological ramifications of the nutjobs successfully stoned during the shameful "Senate sleepover" yesterday.

Jeanne at Body and Soul (now with 50% more Kenny Loggins-related content) considers the fallout from the Administration's frenetic attempts to dispose of the Iraq question before the next election.

Colorado Luis, in a really strange move, starts playing handicapper for the next Colorado Senate race. What, no microbrews? Weak!

Jo Fish at the Democratic Veteran kicks Paul Bremer repeatedly in the groin over his tepid, less-than-awe-inspiring response to the CIA report painting a bleak picture of Iraq.

Thorswitch at Different Strings is closely following the silly, shameful games the White House is playing with the Independent 9/11 Commission over access to documents.

NTodd at Dohiyi Mir is running another caption contest with prizes, no less! Looks like somebody is weathering the bad economy pretty well, Mr. Moneybags!

Kriston at Grammar Police runs down the effect of the mega-unions endorsing Howard Dean. I'm personally staying out of primary politics, except that I might endorse Joe Liebermann (thereby dooming his campaign) if it appears that he's doing well.

Jonathan a/k/a The Head Heeb runs down the developments in another African country with which I'm woefully unfamiliar. Actually, that could be a running commentary on his entire site... so read the entire site.

Teddy at It's Still the Economy, Stupid goes over our magnificently constructed, jobless, benefit-less, hyper-productive Wal-Mart economy. I hereby decree: McJobs for everyone!

James Landrith continues to cover the "if it ain't about bombs droppin', I don't give a shit" story of child slavery in the Sudan, easily the most fucked up country on the planet.

BONUS LINK: For Scout at "And Then...", a neophyte competing in the New Blog Showcase, runs down Majority Leader Bill Frist, the bane of cats everywhere, and his head-scratchingly asinine marathon of jackassery.

Sorry if I skipped over you this time around. Having run out of energy, I'll try the people in the M-Z line tomorrow.

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ADVENTURES IN PASSIVE VOICE

From the article Government Outgrows Spending Cap Set By President:

"Confounding President Bush's pledges to rein in government growth, federal discretionary spending expanded by 12.5 percent in the fiscal year that ended Sept. 30, capping a two-year bulge that saw the government grow by more than 27 percent."

It's to our Founding Fathers' eternal discredit that they didn't provide the Executive a mechanism by which he could do battle with this rapidly reproducing budget that seems to expand at will. I heard that scientists are working on some sort of far-out "line item veto", but it may not be ready for deployment until 2008. Can it be true that the only thing he's equipped with is the power to make half-assed pledges? Is our republic doomed? Take it away, Stan Collender, federal budget analyst for Fleishman-Hilliard:

"This is an administration that cannot possibly take up the mantle of fiscal conservatism. It's probably the least fiscally conservative in history."

I must remember this sense of helplessness the next time that the credit card company comes calling. "I made a pledge to limit my purchases, but circumstances beyond my control caused my expenditures to quickly outpace my income. I know that I was also caused to purchase a lot of online porn and gift baskets from Hickory Farms. Unfortunately, I'm powerless to change this spending pattern because of 9/11, so you might as well prepare the bill for my yet-unborn grandchildren. "

UNSCRIPTED EXCERPTS FROM HIGH LEVEL MEETINGS

(whiningly) Pauuullllllll.....

(concerned) Um.. what?

(sternly) Paul!

(defensively) What, Dick?

(soothingly) Mr. Ambassador...

(longingly) Yes, Condi?

(high on ether) Oh, Paul, Paul, Paul, Paul. Paulie Walnuts. Ambassador Paulopolis. Peter, Paul, and Mary. Dr. Linus PAUL-ing. Gwyneth PAUL-trow....

That's it, I fucking quit.

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IF POSSIBLE, TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT KITTENS IN TREES OR NEW TEXTBOOKS WHEN TRYING TO PIECE TOGETHER THE FOLLOWING DEVELOPMENTS IN IRAQ

Crude, elementary attempts to synthesize these non-toy-drive Iraq news items have been attempted here and here. The upshot of the analysis is that rebuilding may be put on hold while major military efforts (read: large bombs) are renewed because of the deteriorating security situation. Apparently, the players in Iraq have been told that they can stop putting smiley faces on horrendous developments...

(1) Lt. Gen. Sanchez holds a heavily guarded news conference in Baghdad. Discards theories about large numbers of foreign terrorists being involved. Outlines rise in number and complexity of attacks. Starts talking about "war" again, a move analyzed by Fred Kaplan at Slate.

(2) Bremer gets called back to Washington D.C. to talk about the progress of the Washington Redskins under Steve Spurrier. Minor agenda items may have included: speeding up self-government, the decision to disband the Iraqi Army, the ongoing efforts to pin the blame for things on the Iraqi Governing Council, and the rate of kittens being rescued from trees.

(3) Apparently, the south of Iraq isn't secure, contrary to the assessment of the security situation provided by Secretary Rumsfeld to our Asian allies. My condolences to the Italian forces.

(4) To further add to his sterling record of accountability and accuracy, Rumsfeld decides to go ahead and set up the military brass for the blame. "Secretary of Defense Donald Rumsfeld said Tuesday he hopes military commanders 'are telling the truth' when they assure him no more troops are needed in Iraq." My ass.

(5) The CIA, masters of inappropriate timing, release a report that says that "growing numbers of Iraqis are concluding that the U.S.-led coalition can be defeated and are supporting the resistance". The conclusions in the report explain developments #1 and #2. The White House, masters of foot-shooting, refuse to confirm the existence of the report.

You want better analysis? Find someone smarter, sizzlechest!

UNCLE JEFFINGTON'S ALL-TIME FAVORITE SIMPSONS QUOTE

Homer: Stealing?! How could you?! Haven't you learned anything from that guy who gives those sermons at church? Captain What's-his-name? We live in a society of laws. Why do you think I took you to all those Police Academy movies? For fun? Well, I didn't hear anybody laughing. Did you?

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TOWARDS A UNIFIED TAXONOMY OF TERRIBLE ROCK MUSIC

(1) Butt Rock (definition from Mullets Galore): rock n' roll music with that has the following characteristics: four or five male members with long, feathered hair (bangs are common, but not neccesary) or mullets, wailing guitar solos, distorted guitars, and lyrics about women, sex, drugs, Satan, and cars. Currently no home on the radio dial.

Bands include Slaughter, Dio, Dokken, Ratt, Poison, Great White, White Lion, Steelheart, Tesla, Grim Reaper, Def Leppard, Vixen, Danger Danger, Skid Row, BulletBoys, Warrant, Firehouse, Motley Crue, Whitesnake, Cinderella, Quiet Riot, and Winger.

(2) Wuss Rock: No definition needed. You know what it is. Makes up the backbone of adult contemporary radio, although it can show up on classic rock formats. Acts include: Dan Fogelberg, Air Supply, Kenny Loggins, Little River Band, Poco, Christopher Cross, Al Stewart, America, Peter Frampton, Cat Stevens. Preferred by Marge Simpson.

(3) Crap Rock: The hippie uncle of Butt Rock. Extremely derivative, lowest common denominator music, usually preferred by Homer Simpson: Bachman-Turner Overdrive, Grand Funk Railroad, Foghat, Foreigner, Kansas, Mountain, Nazareth, Steppenwolf, Three Dog Night, Uriah Heep. One or two songs will show up on classic rock radio.

(4) Shit Rock, Category I: This will usually refer to bands who had a good late 60s/early 70s run, only to be phased into obsolescence by the advent of disco, punk, and later metal. Usually characterized by the now coked-up, debt-ridden bands trying to appropriate new musical styles (i.e. finding a synthesizer) from the time period 1976-1986, mostly with disastrous results. You may even see one or two attempts at a music video from the dawn of MTV. The most desperate bands with the least amount of street cred to begin with turn into Wuss Rock bands (see Chicago). Most importantly: the efforts of these bands during these times has no home on the radio dial.

Bands include: Allman Brothers/Gregg Allman solo, Ronnie James Dio-era Black Sabbath, Deep Purple, Moody Blues, Santana, Chicago, Bad Company, Blue Oyster Cult, Boston (although it could be category II), Crosby Stills and Nash (and especially the Crosby-Nash permutation), Doobie Brothers, Jethro Tull, the Kinks (sorry to say), and Yes.

(5) Shit Rock, Category II: Bands/acts that were born shitty , including supergroups comprised from the tattered remnants of some of the above bands. Includes Journey, Asia, the Firm, John Cougar Mellencamp, Allan Parsons Project, Bob Seeger, Billy Squier, and Styx. The backbone of VH-1 and VH-1 Classic programming.

Feel free to add your own examples or categories in the comments. The West must not forget its rich heritage of bland, terrible, nausea-inducing music.

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VETERANS' BENEFITS

Met a Vietnam Vet in line for a flu shot this morning. Apparently, the local VA clinic didn't tell him about the schedule this year until 3 days after the shots were given. The benefits are out there, but there doesn't seem to be a great publicity push by government agencies to tell our veterans about it. For instance, 50% of GI Bill benefits regularly go unused.

Stay informed about the current debate concerning ending the practice of deducting disability benefits from retirement benefits. Thankfully, most of the reductions passed by the House last June ($28 billion in total) are being restored through, slow, gradual political pressure. This is no doubt fueled by the disconnect of being told to "support our troops" while stories surface about (1) the shameful treatment of reservists at Fort Stewart or (2) current troops having to pay for their own flights home while DoD brass bilk the Treasury for first class flights (via Digby). Tell your friends and family about the following resources:

www.military.com

vets2vote.org

In other words, money--- meet mouth.

REMEMBER, R. LEE ERMEY KNOWS IF YOU'VE BEEN NAUGHTY OR NICE!

From HFPST 8/27/03, "As for our soldiers from the last Gulf War, I have only this to say: We simply cannot allow greedy trial lawyers and their reprobate Gulf War POW clients to collect from money that rightfully belongs to padded Halliburton contracts. That is SIMPLY not the American way."

OK, Scott McClellan, you've had two-and-a-half months to formulate the mind-numbingly horrific Administration reply to the snarky gauntlet I've thrown down. How do you plead, flack-boy? Keep in mind, tomorrow is Veterans' Day, the most magical day of the year!

"Q: Scott, there are 17 former POWs from the first Gulf War who were tortured and filed suit against the regime of Saddam Hussein. And a judge has ordered that they are entitled to substantial financial damages. What is the administration's position on that? Is it the view of this White House that that money would be better spent rebuilding Iraq rather than going to these former POWs?

MR. McCLELLAN: I don't know that I view it in those terms, David. I think that the United States -- first of all, the United States condemns in the strongest terms the brutal torture to which these Americans were subjected. They bravely and heroically served our nation and made sacrifices during the Gulf War in 1991, and there is simply no amount of money that can truly compensate these brave men and women for the suffering that they went through at the hands of Saddam Hussein's brutal regime. That's what our view is."

Private McClellan! What is your major malfunction, numbnuts? I'm going to rip your balls off, so you cannot contaminate the rest of the world! Were you born worthless, or did you have to work at it? I'll bet you're the kind of guy that would fuck a person in the ass and not even have the goddam common courtesy to give him a reach-around! You had best unfuck yourself and start shitting me Tiffany cufflinks or I will definitely fuck you up!

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"MAYBE MY SPECIAL ARMY TUX WILL FRIGHTEN THEM"
A PIXILLATED VIGNETTE RIPPED FROM TODAY'S HEADLINES

These attacks gotta stop, people! We got the 500 pound bombs, we got the high-tech night vision equipment, we have the capabilities.

(60-year-old farmer): "(Reprisal attacks) will only increase our spite and hatred of them. If they think that they will scare us, they are wrong. Day after day, Americans will be harmed and attacks against them will increase.''

Come on, old timer! Listen to reason! You can't really thumb your nose at America! Didn't you hear the explosions?

"Neither America, nor the father of America, scares us. Iraqi men are striking at Americans and they retaliate by terrifying our children.''

The "father of America"? What the... jeez, I don't even know what that means! Guy sounds like Rumsfeld or something.... (muttering to self, exit stage left)

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THE STATE OF TEXAS (TM), A WHOLLY OWNED SUBSIDIARY OF CONGLOMOBUSINESS, Inc.

As a sort of follow up to the State of Texas' ongoing war against an informed public, I'm linking to this Houston Chronicle article. Texas is currently consolidating of all its large health care agencies and subcontracting services to places like Accenutre [formerly (Arthur) Anderson Consulting]. As we all know, private companies are far more efficient at (1) telling nursing home patients that their request for long-term services have been denied, (2) informing Medicaid recipients that their child's psychiatric examinations will not be covered, and (3) breaking it to people that report child abuse that their claims will go un-investigated.

Apparently, these companies are attempting to shield from open records laws any organizational charts, employee lists, executive summaries, or past contracts under the wide-as-a-Mack-Truck "trade secrets" exemption. The Attorney General's decision on the matter is expected by December 10th. Anyone care to bet about how his decision will read?

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THE HITCH-HIKER'S GUIDE TO THE GALAXY OF SHITTY ARGUMENTATION

Via the indispensable and soon-to-be-added-to-the-links-of-infamy Ethel the Blog (the 193rd most popular blog with a Monty Python reference in the title), I have discovered the mother-lode of spuriousity, the Xanadu of flawed argumentation, the Wingnut Debate Dictionary. My favorites, in alphabetical order, and with examples, when possible:

(1) ad hankering: The practice of accusing anyone who disagrees with you of ad hominem attacks. ("My research clearly shows that gun ownership decreases cancer." "That's fucking crazy." "Why must the left always engage in ad hominem attacks?" "Shut up.")

(2) All-or-nothingism: This is when one is mocked because his/her recommended policy does not completely solve some problem. ("We definitely need to nuke Mecca." "That's fucking crazy." "Oh, I suppose we should just give them all Joni Mitchell records and invite them to violate our daughters, huh?")

(3) Disinglennuousness: The practice of saying, after the fact, that just because you linked to something outrageous with 'THIS IS INTERESTING' or 'EVERYONE SHOULD READ THIS', you don't necessarily agree with the linked sentiments, their having been exposed as utter pig-bollocks. ("I've linked to article about the strategic importance of nuking Mecca. Don't call me fucking crazy! I just linked to it! Jeez! What happened to freedom of expression?!?")

(4) Even the Liberal: If one liberal, anywhere, makes an argument that goes against liberal orthodoxy, all liberals are wrong. (As soon as I get relatively popular through Tony Robbins' Power of Positive Thinking courses on tape, I'm going to to completely hose everyone over.)

(5) Glennuendo: The act of drawing a darkly ominous inference from an opponent's failure to discuss a political issue. ("Why hasn't Norbizness discussed the anal rape of PFC Lynch? Does he approve of anal rape? UPDATE: I just did a Google search with 'Norbizness' and 'anal rape', and the only non-pornographic page I got was my own!")

(6) Noonanism: Wet, rapturous bombast about the feet and other appendages of Conservative Real Men caused by internal vibrations that must stimulate all the wrong nerve cells. ("Xanax: It's like a magical heaven-sent school of dolphins crapped a rainbow in my brain!")

(7) oughtism: the act of providing unsound political advice for one's ideological opponents. ("You know, if the current Communist Party candidate for President would only endorse nuking Mecca, I think I could definitely consider interrupting my lifelong streak of voting a straight-Republican ticket.")

(8) Profanity Always Loses: It doesn't matter how many times they say you love Saddam, but if you use the word "fuck", you lose. ("That idea you had about nuking Mecca that capped off your 28 minute tirade about the Trilateral Commission and dental implants was pretty fucking crazy." "Victory is mine!")

(9) Thesaurus Defense: "The president never said it was an imminent threat! He said it was a looming danger!" (my personal favorite-- think of Seinfeld trying to describe his European carry-all to a policeman who's thinking "purse").

(10) Why Do You Hate America? This one needs no definition. ("I never said I hate America! I said I was consumed with a visceral dislike of it! See #9, stupid!")

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YOUR ENTERTAINMENT MINUTE/ORDEAL

(1) The Simpsons season premiere aired tonight, and confirmed what I had been suspecting for the last five years or so: the show is being intentionally sabotaged with lame, unfunny content by Bob Saget to improve the historical legacy of "Full House". Having been there since the first episode, I can safely say "Give me the gun, Ma. It's my tired, shark-jumping animated sitcom. I'll put a bullet in it".

(2) America desperately needs the following sequels like a diabetic needs a carton of Chocolate Creme Twinkies, and by God, Hollywood is not going to abandon us: Agent Cody Banks 2, Alien 5 (a/k/a Alien v. Predator), Birth of the Pink Panther, Blade: Trinity, Dirty Dancing: Havana Nights, Easy Rider 2 (not kidding, people), Gladiator 2, House of 1000 Corpses 2, Indiana Jones 4, Jurassic Park 4, The Matrix: Revolutions (Whoops, too late), Mission Impossible 3, The Princess Diaries 2, Resident Evil: Apocalypse, Rocky 6, Rush Hour 3, Scary Movie 4, Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed, Scooby-Doo 3, The Whole Ten Yards, The X-Files 2, XXX 2, and Zorro Unmasked.

(3) Steven Soderbergh Recovers From Head Trauma in Time For Next Picture.

(4) Let the Pussification of America Begin With Renewed Vigor!

(5) What? You mean it's not a television show about a rag-tag pan-African commune of one-hit-wonder rap artists that I can't believe I saw at Lollapalooza III in 100-degree weather in Baytown-freakin'-Texas?

(6) In the barely altered words of the Clash, "I'm So Fucking Repulsed by the U.S.A."