HAPPY FURRY PUPPY STORY TIME WITH NORBIZNESS, version 2.0

A FRIENDLY REMINDER FOR YOU CHUCKLEHEADS

The "Win A Shitty And Possibly Dinged-Up CD" Caption Contest will be over in 21 hours (5:30 p.m. CST 12/16/03)!

Currently, there are some favorites, but nothing insurmountable. Come on. Don't you want a 1% chance of winning a Happy Mondays' Pills, Thrills & Bellyaches, a Manchesterian (ed: I've been told the proper term is "Mancunian" or "shoegazing") musical masterpiece so malignant that it's been categorically rejected by every used-CD store in the Greater Austin metropolitan area? A&M Records' indispensable Supertramp compilation? One of the twenty-eight separate but indistinguishable albums Neil Young put out in the 1990s?

And, if you want another garbage/borderline insulting pantload of a gift, be sure to enter The Grammar Police's caption contest.... and have yourself a merry little Winter Solstice.

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GOD-DAMN, THAT WAS A MEAT-GRINDER OF A PRESS CONFERENCE

Let's play "spot the questions Norbizness planted to ridicule the press corps"! Transcript here for cheaters.

(1) You say this is not personal, but you've also pointed out this was a man who tried to murder your father. What is your greeting to him?

(2) Mr. President, stop me if you've heard this one: "Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried." Sir, one follow-up, please: "Going to war without the French is like going deer hunting without your accordion." I'm done.

(3) Until recently, a growing number of Americans and a couple of presidential candidates were saying it might be time to think about getting out of Iraq. I know you said that you intend to stay the course, but I wonder what your view is of such sentiments, how concerned you are about that view among the public, and whether or not you think Saddam's capture should change people's thinking?

(4) Sir, that's about the fifteenth time you've brought up September 11th during the conference. Is it safe to say that September 11th taught you some valuable lessons... primarily, that you should always immediately bring up September 11th right up front when a difficult question is asked? (chloroformed.... inaudible)

(5) I know you said there will be a time for politics. But you've also said you wanted to change the tone in Washington. Howard Dean recently seemed to muse aloud whether you had advance knowledge of 9/11. Do you agree or disagree with the RNC that this kind of rhetoric borders on political hate speech?

(6) Mr. President, we all realize that the White House is a "gloat-free" zone. However, in light of this obviously positive development for the Administration, do you think that anyone who ever had any doubts about the initiation or prosecution of the war should ever get a single solitary vote to be President?

(7) Mr. President, you said earlier this morning that in a trial that all of Saddam's atrocities be brought up. He was in power more than 30 years, that probably would make for a long rap sheet. Do you believe that the invasion of Kuwait in 1990 should be included, as well as his assassination attempt against former President Bush?

(8) And I have to ask you since we're here, sir, have you chatted with your Dad since Saddam was captured?

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THE FAMILY CIRCUSIZATION OF THE WESTERN WEBLOG

Alright, who dug up the garden?

Who took a dump in the kitchen sink?

Who shaved an anarchy symbol into Barfy's back fur?

Who is a dull, sad parody of itself?

Who is pointing out the compact irony of my consecutive posts concerning the politicization of the War in Iraq and the effect of Saddam's capture on the Presidential race in 2004?

Who is responsible for anti-americanism, obligatory secularism, paternalism toward minorities?

Who introduced coarseness and scatalogy into otherwise pristine internet debates?

Who has devolved into hatred for confident, wealthy, white, heterosexual men?

Who is killing rational engagement with sophomoric kvetching?

Not Me... er... I mean... The Left!

MORAL CLARITY CHRISTMAS THANK-YOU CARDS by HALLMARK (tm)

Dear United States:

Thanks for the $500 million in aid last year. I plan on using it to buy some nice clothes and school supplies, and not to buy giant vats to assist in the boiling of my political opponents or electric shock devices or batons.

It was nice to visit with your Agriculture Secretary last month, and we like that she singled us out for recognition in the War on Non-Boiling Terror and the War in Iraq. We also appreciate your assistance in removing troublesome limey ambassadors [Ed: read that last link in its entirety] who would slander and defame our stridently anti-democratic little slice of heaven.

I know you liked our precious gift of airbases last year, so we're re-gifting it... until the operations in Afghanistan are over, then feel free to get the rock out of our country. You might think that harsh, but keep in mind that we have a lot of former Soviet Union bioweapons labs.

Your Coalition of the Willing Christmas Buddy,
Uzbekistan

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FUCK IT, I'M OFF THE UNCAVEATED JUBILATION RESERVATION

Let's see if I can tie any of these items together with reasonable coherence (Vegas odds: 5 to 1 against):

(1) With respect to Guantanamo detainees, "[International Red Cross] officials are the only outsiders who have been able to talk to the detainees. In an unusual statement in October, the ICRC said the long incarceration, with repetitive interrogations, no charges and no outside contact has caused a 'worrying deterioration' among the detainees."

(2) Jose Padilla and Yaser Esam Hamdi. Near-blackout for going on two years.

(3) Saddam Hussein, desposed tyrant from a country called "the central front in the War on Terror" by the Vice-President (a sentiment echoed by the President in the last paragraph of his speech today), key to discovering the whereabouts of the still-elusive weapons of mass destruction, possible linchpin in the coordination and financing of some of the insurgency attacks against the troops... gets the details of his initial interrogations immediately published by Time Magazine.

Perhaps I am insufficiently immune to rifts in the logic continuum. Anyone want to take a shot?
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UPDATE: Part of the reason I posted this is because of the mantra of "national security" that justifies secrecy in the war on terror. Is immediately publicizing the results of his interrogation a tacit admission that public relations trumps national security, or that such considerations aren't really in play?

UPDATE 2: And, of course, he will get POW protections, unlike 15-year-old Afghan farmboys that got sold to the Coalition by warlords.

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WOLVERINES!



You can't stop Operation: Red Dawn, my fine despotic friend.



Stay tuned! I will outdo all of the television pundits and predict with stunning accuracy exactly how this is going to affect the ongoing reconstruction of Iraq, the planning and coordination of insurgent attacks upon Coalition troops and international aid projects, the race for the Presidency in 2004, the stock market, and the Bowl Championship Series. I will also give you a eerily prescient preview of the Iraqi war crimes tribunal that will mete out justice.

Sorry, I think I was just contaminated by network news. If you're on TV, you must be an expert.

CAPTION CONTEST! WITH ACTUAL PRIZES!

Ground rules: Two pictures; one political, one non-political. Maximum entry in the comments is one caption per picture per person. Winner announced in 96 hours (5:30 p.m., Tuesday, December 16, 2003).

Prize: One compact disc (for each of the two winners, or two to one winner) to be maliciously chosen amongst the approximately 100 I was going to donate to Goodwill anyway, mailed to you with the utmost care so that you may enjoy it in time for the holidays (although there are no holiday-themed CDs).





Get to it! Bonus points if you run a web site and publicize it!
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UPDATE: I know I have precious few international readers, so at the risk of creating an incident, I'm afraid that the mailing offer only extends to people I can send the CD to for under $2.

Damn, those top two guys are tools!

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THE POLICE ACADEMY 4 OF WEBLOGS

According to the Blog Review, the Harvard/M.I.T. of unbiased weblog critique, I rate:

"1 out of 5 stars. I found nothing here that could keep my interest. I really tried.
The Trash Man's Recommendation: A nice lobotomy would be preferable to this."

Since the customer is always right, I hope, at some future date, to re-submit this site after much-needed improvements are made. I've got a few in mind: more frequent calls for the death of anti-war protestors, trademarking and copyrighting my own inane blather, comparing the Medicare drug benefit to Russian pogroms and/or Nazi death camps, developing an arcane military ranking system for commenters and contributors, and, of course, detailed posts about Italian ammunition and soldier-of-fortune opportunities in the former Belgian Congo.

Any other reactionary makeover suggestions? Post it in the comments, comrades!
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UPDATE: C'mon, there's really no point in trying to convince the owners of that august, longstanding website to change their rating, although I do appreciate the effort. I need actual suggestions to make this craphole more palatable to the reactionary masses!

SHUT YOUR FILTHY YANKEE TRAPS, OR WE'LL NO-HIT YOU NEXT TIME WITH 21 DIFFERENT PITCHERS, INCLUDING 3 BALL BOYS, 58-YEAR-OLD NOLAN RYAN, THE MASCOT, AND THE LEUKEMIA SURVIVOR WHO THREW OUT THE FIRST PITCH



Finally! I'll never have to bring the owner his lunch calzone ever again!

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FOR SOME REASON, THIS REMINDS ME OF HOMER SIMPSON'S CONTINUING, BAFFLING DESECRATION OF THE STONECUTTERS' SACRED PARCHMENT.

April 2003: Disabled protestors arrested outside Governor's office.

October 2003: After all the special sessions (on redistricting) were completed, the Department of Human Services went about the business of implementing the reduced Medicaid budget (see page 11 and 16). Adult Medicaid recipients (including the disabled) lose all sorts of services, including community and long-term care.

December 2003: Governor Perry parks in a handicapped spot in order to fulfill the important state business of filing paperwork to put George Bush on the Republican primary ticket.

No... wait... now I'm being reminded of a Seinfeld episode involving a handicapped spot.

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32 SHORT POSTS ABOUT SCHLUMBERGER OILFIELD SERVICES, L.L.C.

I never thought that America's fairness to gigantic multinational conglomerates in securing Iraqi reconstruction contracts would be such a hot topic... but I guess I should never misunderestimate the ability of the current Administration to mistime and confuse its policy directives to the delight of the blogging community.

(1) The Agitator weighs in with the libertarian / free-trade criticism of the policy.

(2) The Angry Bear ties this story in with the developing stories about Halliburton's monopoly premiums on the transport of gas. Remember this wasting of taxpayer money, of course, when considering Congress' decision to not extend unemployment benefits for the 2-million-plus people who have been unemployed for more than 26 weeks.

(3) Calpundit was the first one I saw to notice the sheer chutzpah [sp?] in asking the countries we're slighting to go ahead and start thinking about considering about maybe possibly forgiving some of that debt....? [since I check these blogs in alphabetical order, it would be unfair to neglect mentioning Cogicophony, Democratic Veteran, Grammar Police (Best Post Title in the Series), Pandagon, and TBogg]

(4) Fanatical Apathy weighs in with a long, complicated, and strangely humorless post. Or is it?

(5) The Left Coaster asks the question about this conundrum (violation of international trade laws, further deterioration of diplomacy) that I ask about every cock-up that occurs in this Administration: when is somebody going to get shit-canned for screwing up?

(6) Outside the Beltway, after getting in a dig at the New York Times, notices the creeping connection between this issue and the steel tarriff 180 a few weeks ago.

(7) Talking Points Memo, master of inside information, gets hold of the actual Wolfowitz memo detailing the silly policy.

(8) And, to close it out, a dispatch from the Whiskey Bar (with an unbelievable/possibly doctored picture of Wolfowitz) that proves that making an Administration official talk like Gollum is always a winner with the geek contingent.

HOW CAN I BEST PUT THIS?



According to the P-Funk Encyclopedia, Florida is the Zone of Zero Funkativity; the sherriff of whatever crap burg in which George Clinton was arrested is Sir Nose d'VoidofFunk; and Dr. Funkenstein must be granted immunity from this Electric Spank and returned to the Mothership forthwith, where he can practice Funkentelechy.

And while we're at it, Free Tommy Chong, you fascist jackasses!

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COMPARE AND CONTRAST

Number of Google hits for "William J. Krar" and "William Krar" combined: 98

The details about Mr. Krar can be found here. Basically, Krar "accumulated a large quantity of sodium cyanide and acids such as hydrochloric, nitric and acetic acids" and posssessed "multiple illegal weapons including machine guns, silencers, destructive devices, thousands of rounds of ammunition and a handgun with an obliterated serial number." This is what sodium cyanide does.

Of course, Krar is only a suspected white supremacist with nation-wide links to militia movements, has sold bomb-making material, and was implicated in an Oklahoma City-style bombing plot in 1995. Therefore, according to my improbability calculator, he should rate only a few stories in newspapers in Tyler and Fort Worth, and a follow-up story 3 weeks later in (holding nose) World Net Daily.

Number of Google hits for "Jose Padilla": 34,500

I think this guy was thinking about planning in the future to make a "dirty bomb". I'm pretty sure, because they're all calling him the "Dirty Bomb" suspect. The government's kind of holding him somewhere else without charging him (I think) but I'm sure he'll get his day in court eventually. I think he's involved with real terrorists--- you know, the ones who hate us because of our freedom.

BEATS CRITICAL THINKING: THE ENTERTAINMENT SECTION EDITION

Damn you! Inflate!

Miss Madonna? What's a studded dildo?

Hey, 8-Ball. Can I get a cigarette from you? I can trade you this subway token inside of my shoe.

Man, Bob Hoskins has really hit rock-bottom.

Got a little song for you, Andre 3000 and Big Boi. Called "Give Me My Goddamned Money", goes a little something like this...

R.I.P. Ruben Gonzalez (1922-2003), the amazing piano player from the Buena Vista Social Club.

Real inspired, Farrelly Brothers.

David Cross! Look out for that puddle of toxic waste! Aw, damn. Just damn!

Gotta love those re-inventions. From Ziggy Stardust to the Thin White Duke to the Really Fucked Up-Lookin' Pseudo-Cowboy Who Should Have Packed It In About Twenty Years Ago.

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THESE TWO COUNTRIES OWN US LIKE A TOY POODLE

And this goes for both political parties.

(1) The last I checked, Taiwan was not located in the Middle East. Therefore, any expression of yearning for independence or democratic institutions must be squashed post haste to sufficiently appease the Chinese leadership. For righteous anger on the subject, please check out Arthur Silber's wonderful post.

(2) I guess, given enough time, even U.S. News and World Report can fill in the blanked-out pages from the Congressional 9/11 investigation. Would it be OK to go ahead and meekly suggest that Saudi Arabia is one of the central fronts in the war on terror, rather than torturing raw intelligence to retroactively justify an ill-conceived war in Iraq?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

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CONSERVATION

I still maintain that the 2004 election will only be interesting if somebody actually decides to run against Bush in the Republican primary, forcing him to spend some of his hundreds of millions trying to defend either the "compassionate" or the "conservative" portion of his record. Via the Agitator, an article in American Conservative magazine lays out the case against the President by persons "who believes in limited, constitutional government." by Doug Bandow, a former Reagan Administration official and Fellow at the Cato Institute (whether or not this august body deals with the Green Hornet's sidekick or the Rockets back-up center is still undecided, and I know I've done that joke before).

After laying out his conservative credentials through a series of observations I disagree with (Clinton should have been removed from office, Bush was elected legitimately, tax cuts for the rich are the only acceptable program the Administration puts forward), Bandow goes to town thusly:

(1) Bush is a simpleton who implements simplistic policies for complex problems.
(2) Bush will gladly sell out national interest / fiscal solvency for political gain (civil liberties restrictions, buying off seniors and farmers, irresponsible spending, bad trade policy).
(3) It's a imperial Administration, unwilling to admit mistakes, fire culpable parties, or respect the balance of power in having independent investigations by Congress.
(4) Bush's initial disdain towards nation-building was the correct impulse; since then, he's been pursuing "national social engineering".
(5) His pre-emptive foreign policy is a disaster, causing our future enemies to more quickly arm themselves and alienation to occur with our allies. Trying to keep it up could lead to re-institution of the draft.

Apparently, this guy's break with the Administration occurred in the run-up towards the Iraq war. The question is: will there ever be a credible (or even token) challenge from the right?

STRICTLY COMMERCIAL, VOL. 1

(1) There’s a commercial with an animated young female bear (you can tell: she’s wearing a bow) who’s doing a needs-to-urinate dance. Apparently, she is concerned because the toilet paper roll next to the non-existent crap-hole is getting low. Her father rolls up on her and patiently explains the virtues of Charmin Ultra, all while holding her in an inappropriate manner. My point is, can somebody explain this fucking commercial to me?

(2) Typical construct: commercial actor plays a complete dumbass (for example: Dodge truck commercial wherein the passenger shouts monster truck slogans out of a megaphone) for 26 out of 30 seconds of the commercial. He/she is upbraided at the end (megaphone is thrown to the ground, annoying character is told to stop). Product name given. Commercial over. Is this working?

(3) Noted actors in the middle levels of decaying fame (DeVito, John Goodman, Sir Lawrence Fishburne, Andy Garcia) read obviously fake letters from mental patients about some sort of satellite service. Next thing you know, they’ll be selling their Golden Globes for food money.

(4) Philip Morris (nee Altria) tells me in no uncertain terms that there is no such thing as a safe cigarette, that I’m a dumbass for continuing to smoke, and that… oh god, I need a cigarette.

(5) Guy throws football through tire swing upon taking a sexual potency enhancement drug. Wasn’t there any stock footage of a high-speed train repeatedly entering a tunnel?

(6) Scary steroid case, lifts weights, holds rally, shouts slogans about categorically having to protect one’s house. Is this a precursor to fascism?

(7) You know, John Stamos seems like a regular, easygoing sort of fella. I am at ease with John Stamos. I think I will opt for the long distance service he’s pimpin’.

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YOU ARE HEARING ME MAKING AN ENDORSEMENT



A brief word on why you don't really hear too much about the ins and outs of the Democratic primary at the Happy Furry Puppy Gaming Nook: I'm a fairly provincial person. I know Texas, but I don't know the Rust Belt, the real Bible Belt in the deep South, the Steel Belt, the Cubic Zirconia Belt, the Corn Belt, the Insurance Adjuster Belt, the Left Coast, or New York City (which I think is a made-up place designed to sell picante sauce). I wouldn't pretend to know who plays well where, and the constant struggle to appeal to that same electoral sliver of undecided, bland "independents" is about as exciting as the Tony Awards.

In addition, the redistricting circle-jerk in Texas has placed us out of the Super Tuesday primary (we happen one week later, on March 9th), so it's very likely that the eventual candidate will have been selected by then. Then comes the general election, and Bush would get 58% of the vote in Texas even if he were caught in a three-way with Troy Aikman and Reveille one week before Election Tuesday.

Therefore, as a conscientious eccentric, I'm going to throw away my vote again on the Natural Law Party, who at least thinks creatively about national problems. When it comes right down to it, think about our two corporate (but distinguishable) political parties: how fucking lame are they, when it comes right down to it?

GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME, YOU DAMNED FILTHY LIQUID METAL CYBORG!

Hey! Remember me, gang?

I'm not one to mess with a highbrow classic of time-travel paradox, but Anna's post concerning the spicing-up of the Dennis Hopper / Christopher Walken scene in True Romance (Carmen Miranda fruit hats for all!) got me to thinkin' on ways to radically improve Terminator 2: Judgment Day....

(1) More Flatt & Scruggs bluegrass breakdown music in highway chase sequences.

(2) T-1000 reacts really negatively to minor setbacks, such as having his gun get temporarily stuck between the bars at the mental hospital: "Son of a bitch! Why does this always happen to me?!?"

(3) T-1000 equipped with pithy sayings of his own: (a) after having a large cavity blown into his head, he could say "Hole-y Robot, Batman!"; (b) after being dropped in the molten steel, "Hot enough for ya?"; (c) during his smashing of Arnold's grill with a steel beam, "Heads up!"

(4) Benign bald doctor in the mental hospital makes Linda Hamilton dress up in frilly dresses and perform dialogues from Tennessee Williams plays.

(5) Time-travel paradox solved Back to the Future style; when the last Terminator technology is disposed of in the molten lava, Arnold fades out from view, saying "I'll see you later... later... later..."

(6) Edward Furlong replaced by that kid who played Short Round in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and the gadget kit in the Goonies. Annoying red-headed mulleted sidekick replaced with one of the younger Jets.

(7) Joe Morton (scientist guy) responds to long tirade about his role in the development of Skynet with "Fuck all that shit, I'm just tryin' to get paid!"

(8) Michael Biehn puts in a last minute cameo appearance as a short-order cook in a border town diner, gives a knowing wink (with a "ding" sound effect) to Sarah and John Connor right before the closing credits roll.

I JUST KNOW YOU TANKED THIS GAME TO PUT TEXAS IN THE GODDAMNED HOLIDAY BOWL AGAIN, YOU SICK, SICK OKIE SON OF A BITCH.



Thanks a lot, coaching genius Bob Stoops. Kansas State 28, Oklahoma 7 with three minutes left in the third quarter. The four sports fans who read this page know what I'm talking about.
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UPDATE: Holy shit, the Horns did get picked for the Holiday Bowl. Look out, Washington State (tiredly shaking fist)!

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ELECTIONEERING

My fellow paranoid housebound lunatics, I hereby solemnly pledge that, if elected best goddamned Large Mammal in the Wizbang poll (an honor for which I was absolutely un-nominated), I will implement the following five-plank platform to improve our beloved junior high:

(a) make the cafeteria use real pepperoni on those square pizzas, instead of that Tender Vittle-ish meat substitute;
(b) promote competitive wall-ball (a/k/a "Spread Eagle") wherein losing parties will be bussed across town to the Southern Baptist prep school;
(c) personally hire some of the more annoying cast members from Boston Public for a school spirit-building group beatdown;
(d) require the teaching of creationism; and
(e) hire Manute Bol (the one on the right) as the 7th grade basketball coach.

Every fraudulently obtained vote counts; however, I must warn you that you'd just be throwing your franchise away on the following weblogs: noted malcontent and gay porn aficionado Hi, I'm Black; Carrot Top-worshipping Vicodin addict Practical Penumbra; ambulance-chasing bellybutton fetishist Tiger: Raggin' and Rantin'; or cat-loving anarchist revolutionary Pen-Elayne. The rest of the field, obviously, is comprised of a bunch of grotesque also-rans I don't know well enough to slander.

We can make Steve Guttenberg Junior High a better place, but you must do your part.

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EVERY SHRED OF CREDIBILITY MUST GO

President Bush, 11/24/03: "Working with a fine coalition, our military went to Afghanistan, destroyed the training camps of al Qaeda, and put the Taliban out of business forever."

Kandahar, Planet Earth, 12/6/03: "A bomb exploded in a bazaar in this southern Afghan city Saturday, wounding about 20 people, at least three seriously, in an attack that a Taliban spokesman said targeted but missed American soldiers who shop there."

For some reason, I'm reminded of a mattress factory outlet store that goes out of business 20-30 times a year.

FAKE NEWS IN GLORIOUS COLOR PHOTOSCOPIC PIXELLATION

Kofi Annan brokers yet another West Bank / East Bank rapper truce.

Now only slightly less popular a tourist destination than Euro-Disney.

Presidential candidate Wesley Clark meets newly transgendered Richard Moll from Night Court.

It's not going to be a very classy dime, is it?

$6.99 a pound for deli potato salad? I'd protest too!

The microphone was made in Sierra Leone, the lumber comes from Venezeula, the suit comes from Mexico, and the President comes from Bizarro World.

McDonald's: I'm barely toleratin' it.

128-year-old James Baker III has been hired as Iraq's official greeter (blue vest to come later).

Thanks for the posthumous Grammy nominations, you craven music industry dickheads.

The hip-hop Trek convention in East St. Louis--- not a very big hit.

Perhaps the only Northeastern resident enjoying the weather.

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BLEEECCCCCHHHHH

Highbrow Ham-fisted Oscar-Ready Watered-Down-Kurosawa Nausea-Inducing Historical Drama Starring an Evil Scientologist Dwarf Day is upon us.


It took me 2 years to grow this beard for Magnolia, and I ain't shavin it now!

Salon: I can't, even after all these years, bring myself to hate Cruise: He has next to nothing to give as an actor, other than a smirking stiffness.

Miami Herald: Cruise is also essentially playing the same guy he's played in nearly every movie, from "Top Gun" to "Jerry Maguire" to "Vanilla Sky." He's cocky, he gets his comeuppance and, in the process, finds humility.

Boston Globe: Tom Cruise is still playing Tom Cruise, and I'm not sure he can do anything else. But he has gotten a lot better at it.

Portland Tribune: (Tom Cruise is) the last person you want playing a haunted, near suicidal man. He's definitely the last person you want playing that man in a period piece.

National Review: In this respect, Cruise was an unfortunate choice for the lead. He never makes us forget that it is Tom Cruise the actor on screen. Tom Cruise playing Tom Cruise playing an American soldier who learns to play a samurai is a serious distraction.

Fort Worth Star-Telegram: In short, he's a bona fide 19th-century dreamboat -- a Harlequin romance cover model who has come galloping off the page. What he is not, by any stretch of the imagination, is a convincing 19th-century human being.

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SON OF THE BRIDE OF META-QUIZ

(1) Would you enjoy taking any and/or all of the following quizzes: Which Journey song are you? Which Tic-Tac flavor are you? Which character in Slaughterhouse Five are you? Which Revenge of the Nerds movie are you? What Disney Princess are you?

(X) Why yes, they all sound fascinating
( ) Maybe one of them. I love Journey.
( ) Holy mother of God. What a colossal waste of time.

(2) Will you publish the results on your personal website?

(X) It's doesn't do me much good if I don't.
( ) No, that's quite alright.


Congratulations! You're one of these people!

WARLORDS: MY ANTI-ANTI-DRUG, by DONALD RUMSFELD

Say, man, what's this I hear about skag production going up by a factor of 36? Daddy... Daddy needs his medicine!

Hamid, you holdin'? Be cool, man! Ssshh, there's like cameras everywhere!

Ahhhhh shit... maintain, Donny. Fucking maintain. This photo-op will be over soon.

Just great, man. I'm having a Midnight Express flashback. What would Brad Davis do?

Sweeeetttt. You are the man, Hamid. Just give me a minute here.

Dyn-o-mite!

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A FAIR EXCHANGE

I'll tell you what. I won't publish my long list of inside information tidbits concerning the President's Thanksgiving Day campaign commercial (fake turkey, cranberries actually Red M & Ms, stuffing was Play-doh, army jacket was actually a Members Only with a John Deere patch, Bush actually replaced by a Disney Hall of Presidents animatronic marionette, entire thing filmed at a Charlotte VFW hall using UNC-Charlotte Young Republicans as troop stand-ins, the military escort around Air Force One shot down 12 separate British Airways jet-liners) if....

.... we could just get some mainstream American coverage of the increasingly bizarre and discredited Pentagon account of the battle at Samarra, which is being blogged down to the last detail by poor, frustrated Jim Henley at Unqualified Offerings. His links include military bloggers, numerous European sources that are engaging in anti-American (by definition) investigative reporting, and one L.A. Times article which is about 90% straight Pentagon press release, 10% skepticism. A quick Google news search using the term "Samarra" suggests that, as a whole, all questions regarding the official version are being raised by other countries.

Wait, did I just violate the proposed bargain? Whoops. Not like this is going to be picked up on anyway.

EVEN THE LOSERS... GET ELIMINATED FROM EXISTENCE SOMETIMES

There are definitely too many teams in the three main sports right now (I'm going to avoid talking about hockey, because my proposal for them would to be to go back to the 6-team league that existed until the 1960s). Certain teams add little to nothing for their respective cities, except to make them the repeated butt of jokes. Well, it's time to separate the really crappy from the temporarily crappy, and institute a reverse playoff system. The "winner" of the playoff will cease to exist, the "runner-up" will cease to exist as a team, but the players could join up with other teams. The process will be repeated for three years, so that 6 teams in each league will cease to exist.

(1) Major League Baseball: So many teams, so little time. The lack of a salary cap makes it so that over 50% of the teams are pretty much guaranteed not to make the playoffs in any given system. The absolute dregs in the 8-team playoff will be the Montreal Expos, Pittsburgh Pirates, Milwaukee Brewers, and San Diego Padres in the National League, and Detroit Tigers, Texas Rangers, Tampa Bay Devil Rays, and the Kansas City Royals in the American League. At this point in time, the Tigers will inevitably win.

(1a) I also propose a one-time single-elimination playoff between the Red Sox and Yankees so that approximately 50% of the insufferable fans in the United States can be instantly team-less.

(2) National Football League: This league is a little tougher, because of parity. I can definitely identify Detroit and Arizona in the NFC, and Cleveland and San Diego in the AFC. We'll just leave it at four teams for now, and I don't think anyone other than rabid Browns fans will really be disappointed.

(3) National Basketball Association: As it stands, this 8-team playoff would necessarily have to be skewed towards the absolutely abyssmal Eastern Conference. The current teams would include the Cleveland Cavaliers, Atlanta Hawks, Miami Heat, Chicago Bulls, Orlando Magic and Washington Wizards from the East, and (of course) the Los Angeles Clippers and Golden State Warriors from the West. The Nuggets have one year to prove it isn't a fluke and the Knicks have one year to clean up their act, because they're definitely on the cusp.

As for the two cities that may get the double whammy... Detroit, you'll still have one of the original 6 NHL teams. San Diego... you'll still be a nice place to live.

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CELLULOID MAGIC

You know it had to happen sometime. Ten worst movies one has ever seen. Started with Mr. Cromulent. Went over to Mr. Kuffner. Even Atrios got into the fray, although "The English Patient" was listed ten times.

I'll try to stick to movies I've actually seen to be utterly fair. I have never seen a meaningful part of, for instance, Forrest Gump, any Michael Bay movie, Batman & Robin, most of Robin Williams' recent output (Patch Adams, Bicentennial Man), most recent SNL-spinoffs (Night at the Roxbury, the Ladies' Man, Superstar). However, I have seen a number of bad movies courtesy of Mr. Sinus Theater (an Austin live-action equivalent of Mystery Science Theater 3000), so I can include them.

1. Star Trek V. "Row, row, row your boat..."
2. Lost in Space. Gary Oldman, out-acted by a little yellow computer-generated monkey?
3. Battlefield: Earth. So bad it's good, then keeps being bad 'till it's real bad.
4. Weekend at Bernie's II. Yes. I did see this.
5. The Avengers. So boring, I don't think that they could even get any extras to work on it.
6. Can't Stop the Music. What are you thinking, Steve Guttenberg?
7. Roadhouse! Pain. Don't. Hurt.
8. Magnolia. Graciously promoted from the "most overrated" to this list upon an abbreviated, masochistic second viewing.
9. No Retreat, No Surrender. Although it's simultaneously in the "10 Funniest Movies" list.
10. Almost Heroes. That's a BAD Christopher Guest!

Feel free to re-type your own, but limit it to your own 10 worst... not most disappointing, not most overrated, not movies you heard were shitty and didn't see. Entries that include Fellini or Kubrick films (exception: Eyes Wide Shut) for the purposes of being shocking will be laughed at.

THIS IS ME, ALL SERIOUS AND SOLUTIONS-ORIENTED

I'll try to be as brief as possible, so that you can read the linked reports, speeches, and articles. I also don't want to be overly partisan, but I don't think that an honest reassessment and re-appraisal of our priorities can be done absent my firm belief that our national security would have been immeasurably enhanced had the resources devoted to the war in and rebuilding of Iraq gone to other international purposes.

(1) In terms of domestic security and reorganization, I would start with an actual, bipartisan effort to implement the reforms contained in the original Hart-Rudman report on Homeland Security. The synopsis of recommendations begins on page 141. The most important reform, apart from enhanced border security, is re-committing the country to significantly bolstering our intelligence assets (CIA, foreign service, etc.)

(2a) Iraq exists, and there's not a lot I can do about it. To date, nearly $200 billion and enormous international goodwill has been committed to a country that I believe has little to do (bang for the buck-wise) on fighting terrorism. To me, the countries that need the most direct engagement are Afghanistan/Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Indonesia, Sudan, and the Phillipines.

(2b) If I could make the financial and troop commitment to Iraq magically disappear, I would re-commit 50,000 troops (plus NATO peacekeeping forces, or, as Wesley Clark suggests, a large Saudi force, if feasible) in Southeastern Afghanistan, along the Pakistani border. Hopefully, this would have the effect of (a) securing the border so that legitimate humanitarian efforts in post-Taliban Afghanistan can take root; (b) force Pakistan to deal directly with its own terrorism problem, including the connections with its own intelligence service.

(2c) Saudi Arabia is really the staging ground in the Middle East for counter-terrorism, and is the 800-pound gorilla in the room, as shown by our tepid efforts to exercise any political pressure on them. If this truly is a war on terrorism, then we should be willing to accept the sacrifice of higher gas prices as there is a give-and-take with their government for meaningful reform on one hand and cooperation with global police forces on the other. Of all unlikely sources, Daniel Pipes provides the best overview of a "get-tough" attitude with the Sauds.

(2d) As for Sudan, the Phillipines, and Indonesia, countries with three of the most significant Muslim populations, I can easily see a foreign aid and security commitment to each of those countries equal to that which we spend on, for instance, Egypt each year ($5-$10 billion). If we're willing to assist moderate Muslims in castigating the violent, destructive elements within their own countries (the original point of Mr. den Beste's article), we must take radical, non-military action to improve our standing with each country while genuinely improving each's stability.

(3) Finally, I think that we have the ability to act in a truly multilateral action without being perceived as "weak". I don't think that hardcore terrorists can be deterred in the traditional, Cold War sense, nor can countries be individually cowed. I also think that nearly-unilateral military action is the least efficient, most alienating procedure that can occur. Before ultimately repeating myself, I believe that this linked speech by Zbigniew Brzezinski provides the most realistic, useful paradigm for the U.S. in improving its long-term chances to weaken, and hopefully ultimately destroy, the scourge of terrorism.

Thank you, I yield the floor.

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MY GOD, IT'S FULL OF MELANIE HUTSELLS

Have I ever mentioned that I find Saturday Night Live a decrepit, crapulent enterprise produced by an aging pseudo-hipster, and should have been retired once Phil Hartman left the cast? The title of this post refers to one of the worst SNL performers ever, a marginal character actress (Tori Spelling, fraternity girl) who had one single comedic move: holding her mouth agape in a primitive form of shock and/or disgust. For instance:

(1) Jim Breuer (a/k/a Goat Boy): I look like a stoner and can make barnyard noises. 5-year run?!?
(2) Chris Elliot: Barely recycled cred did nothing for the show. Formerly funny star of David Letterman and Get a Life, relegated to boring stock characters (see also: Mark McKinney, formerly of Kids in the Hall, Janeane Garofalo, formerly of the Ben Stiller Show, and Michael McKean).
(3) Jimmy Fallon: Apparently, demographic research indicated that 14 year olds found him 43% as funny as he found himself, which is good enough for Lorne Michaels.
(4) Will Ferrell: Commonly described as the funniest part of SNL's last decade, which is like saying that Randy Quaid's performance as a mentally unhinged lawyer in Caddyshack II redeemed that movie.
(5) Darrell Hammond: The Phil Hartman of the last decade, although basically reduced to Rich Little-dom (decent impersonations, absolutely no lines or delivery).
(6) Chris Kattan: Really, how is this possible?
(7) Norm MacDonald: Master of the "obvious" half-joke, parlayed semi-notoriety into huge, Academy-winning roles in Dirty Work and Screwed.
(8) Cheri Oteri: Melanie Hutsell as a main cast member, all characters played as if they had just come out of a 36-hour angel dust marathon.
(9) Colin Quinn: Good thing his horrific, car-accidentesque stint mangling the news on SNL prepared him for his own shitfest mangling the news on Comedy Central's Politically Incorrect knock-off. See #6.
(10) Horatio Sanz: Couldn't deliver a whole flub-free line if you offered him 20 free Golden Corral buffets, immediately qualifying him for co-star credit in Boat Trip (See also: Tracy Morgan).

I don't even know about the current cast; I'm just going to assume that they're all hopelessly unredeemable hacks with the skills of an opening act at an Akron comedy club. Makes you almost pine for the season-long memory hole which existed between Bill Murray and Eddie Murphy (Robin Duke, Gilbert Gottfried, Rich Hall, Tim Kazurinsky, Gary Kroeger, Tony Rosato).

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HOW TO SUCCEED IN GENERATING TRAFFIC WITHOUT REALLY TRYING

Brief rundown: foreign policy guru to the stars Steven den Beste writes a long article responding to an e-mailer from Tehran, going over worst case scenarios in the still-undefined perpetual state of war. Dimwitted quote-hound Instapundit links to the article using one of the more inflammatory and unrealistic "us and them" excerpts. Fellow obscure blogger Balasubramania's Mania doesn't like the excerpted dichotomy, and says so in no uncertain terms. Den Beste and Instapundit somehow find this criticism and both link to him (2 of the 11 most popular blogs!).

As a result, 80+ commenters as of posting time are pillorying poor Mr. Mania, all trying desperately to come up with the more fantastic apocalyptic scenario, all trying to emptily show their steely resolve to noone in particular, all ending up proving the collective insanity (masquerading as coolly disapassionate foreign policy realism) that Mr. Mania was warning against to begin with. The comment board is currently peppered with phrases like "They will be destroyed", "They want to either subjugate or destroy us. We will destroy them first.", "Mess with us and we will blow your head off.", "We don't want to nuke Mecca. But America is never, never going to surrender to the Islamists." (to be fair, even other commenters thought this was rather silly), "we must conclude that Islam is a cancer among us and we will cauterize that cancer from this planet", "Don't say you haven't been warned.", "Secretly, though, some part of me wants this apocolypse".

If such predictions are a dead lock, what's the point in making them? For whom are you demonstrating your true-blue, 110% American, non-surrendering credentials? More importantly, are any of you near a nuclear button? I wouldn't want you to go all Martin Sheen in the Dead Zone on us in deciding that that your doomsday scenarios are a self-fulfilling prophecy.

WHERE'S ME PLATINUM DISCOVER CARD?

I don't know why I picked this particular image, but it was one of the first that showed up if you typed in "drunken sailor" into the search engine.

Evidently, drunken sailors everywhere are taking offense to John McCain's assertion that the federal government is spending money like them. They were very careful to point out that, while on shore leave, they are at least spending money that they actually have in their hands, as opposed to maxing out four or five credit cards with no intention to repay. Actual conservatives and libertarians may wish to take note: nondefense discretionary spending has increased 20.8% (including defense, it's closer to 25%) in the last several years.

When the compassionate, small-government current President took over for that tax-and-spend horndog hillbilly, the country was on track to eliminate the public debt in 7 years. Now, it looks like every man, woman and child in America will have a $25,000 lien ($7 trillion debt, 280 million Americans) attached to their retirement futures by 2012... just in time for the first baby boomers who are hitting retirement age. Logan's Run, anyone?

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GUANTANAMO-- EXCITING AND NEW

If you want the straight-forward outrage about the counterproductive, illegal, and shocking Gitmo detainee camp, you should probably read Talk Left's series of posts on the subject. To briefly recap, 660 people have been held for up to two years in Cuba without charges, any prosecutions, any access to national or international protections, or any actual contact with the outside world. It's hard to say whether the detentions have assisted the war on terrorism, but it certainly hasn't reduced the number of attacks in Afghanistan that have gone along with the re-grouping of the Taliban and the consolidation of power by warlords.

The government is now releasing/deporting/doing something with about 20% of the detainees, who must have finally passed the unofficial "answered that they weren't terrorists for the 1,000th time" test. The article surmises that the Supreme Court's willingness to challenge such impromptu detention systems has led to the sped-up discharge. The legal merits of these cases is discussed here.

The pro-sanity portion of the legal argument is evidently being handled by a consortium of high-ranking international and American judges, as well as former military judges. So I guess we can add Law Lord Johan Steyn (the system is a "monstrous failure of justice") from the UK to the list of Chamberlinesque appeaseniks. Ditto for Rear Admiral Don Guter ("For me it's a question of balance between security needs and due process, and I think we've lost our balance"), who filed a brief with the Supreme Court on behalf of the detainees along with former federal judges, diplomats and American POWs from World War II.

Of course, our mainland justice system isn't faring much better.

HOW TO PROMOTE ECONOMIC RECOVERY AND AFFIRM YOUR AMERICANOSITY

I've found that a joyful way to pass along a relatively slow Sunday evening is to respond, with zest and zeal, to every pop-up ad that greets you on the Drudge Report. It's more friendly and interactive than trying to separately indulge in the various goods and services that adorn Rush Limbaugh show commercials (male enhancement products, Ecuadoran gold futures, non-addictive mint snuff, the semi-official Trend Macrolytics Swiss Army Knife, mail-order Lithunian brides, Kirk Cameron Left Behind bobble-head dolls, an FDR dartboard, and imitation Dick Cheney toenail clippings). Just hit refresh to access:

(1) The Conservative Book Club: Need a hemisphere of your brain instantly disabled? Then order Sean Hannity's "Let Freedom Ring" pop-up book!

(2) Do you support Mel Gibson? poll: Apparently, this is an insipid Newsmax poll that inadvertently causes you to purchase the Lethal Weapon 4 / What Women Want DVD 2-pack, proceeds supporting Mel's attempt to construct and launch a cross-shaped satellite that will broadcast 9th-century Catholic dogma in 148 languages into outer space.

(3) 24/7 Pharmacy: Free medical consultations?! Confidential next-day shipping?! Will send to rural post boxes registered in the name of your Central American housekeeper?! Discreet withdrawal of large but non-reportable amounts of cash from the federally insured banking institution of your choice?! I honestly can't think of who would need such a thing.

(4) Kennedy-Western University, an online university-- Are there actually employers not named Jiffy Lube that are fooled by this?

While you're at it, go ahead and check out the Newsmax "Supporting President Bush" store. If you can't recognize the camp and/or scatalogical value of an authentic, made-in-Myanmar "I Like Bush" T-shirt, then you're not drinking enough goddamned Kool-aid, ese!

A QUICK ONE WHILE HE'S AWAY

Finally back in Austin after a refreshing holiday with the family, and I hope everyone had a good Thanksgiving. I guess it's incumbent upon me to (a) gloat about the Longhorns' shellacking of the Aggies (46-15... pretty close to my 45-17 prediction. Give me money!) and to (b) comment on the President's going to Iraq for Thanksgiving.

It's easy to divide the world into cynics and crypto-fascist simpletons, which is why I do it on a regular basis. I'm glad that our troops who got to see the President got a brief morale boost, but a few points need to be made: (a) this was not courageous in any sense of the word (take it from a confirmed coward); (b) this does not show that he is "in charge" of Iraqi policy; (c) the ample footage of this event will obviously be used as a substitute in his re-election campaign commercials for the now-discredited aircraft carrier footage; and (d) in a point that hardly needs to be made, Iraq is an ongoing foreign policy disaster, and an expensive, painful sideshow from the larger war on terrorism.

Some might say: "Well, Norbizness, there's not very much he could have done to garner your respect, is there?" To which I answer: "Of course not, dimwit! Haven't you been reading this thing?" The multi-flank public relations blitz to show that he has some sort of personal touch vis-a-vis Iraq is six months late and about $200 billion short.

ONE NON-FOOTBALL THOUGHT

"The word 'bipartisan' usually means some larger-than-usual deception is being carried out."-- George Carlin.

Of course, he wrote that in 1996. Couldn't possibly be (Medicare, energy bill) applicable these days.

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SEE YOU IN A WEEK



My only Thanksgiving prediction: Longhorns 45, Aggies 17.

I AM OFFICIALLY TELLING YOU THAT I GOT NOTHIN'

Other than to apologize for the people who have accessed this page via the following internet searches, although #3 may have been part of an actual post:

Joan Lunden's obituary

michael hutchence death hamster

Keith Olbermann + Brain trauma

www. sex live cam dick guy. com.

scooby doo 2 monsters unleashed songs

arguments on puppy abuse

precision puppy pen

strength of five gorillas

Playstation "Get On Board Now"

POOR, UNLOVED LITTLE ENERGY BILL

It's like the little fat kid in the Goonies (Chunk? Is that right? According to imdb.com, he's a UC-Berkeley graduate and entertainment lawyer? That doesn't sound right.), all 1200 pages of its pork-riddled, sad, cloistered existence. Apparently just enough Northeastern Republicans (and John McCain) were horrified by Tom DeLay's last minute insertion of a provision "[which exempted] methyl tertiary butyl ether (MTBE), a gasoline additive, from product liability lawsuits. It was blended into gasoline during the 1990s to make it burn cleaner, but is now blamed for affecting water supplies in more than 1,500 communities, with clean-up costs in the billions of dollars."

Despite this montrosity, plenty of corn-belt Democrats still managed to get bought off by the numerous ethanol subsidies contained in the bill (and Daschle, after unsuccessfully voting for cloture, still managed to retain the gall to criticize it. That's a BAD Minority Leader!) In a sentence I'd never thought I'd type, thank God for John McCain (who labeled the bill the "The No Lobbyist Left Behind Act of 2003") and John Sununu.

Of course, the genesis of this bill was the Vice President's Energy Task Force Committee, whose papers are still not being released despite numerous court victories for the un-American forces for open government. The fact that 13 Democrats voted for this Frankenstein-ish special interest wet dream, because one of the special interests happened to be ethanol producers, is to their ultimate discredit.

OPENING VOLLEY

From the first Republican President TV advertisement of what's going to be a long, depressing next 11 months in the campaign season: "Some are now attacking the president for attacking the terrorists." After that highly misleading line, we are treating to, surprisingly enough, no concrete examples. It's almost as if having a two-party system, in which Democratic candidates vie for a position in the general election, is an attack in itself.

I guess that the only way this can be plausibly read is in conjunction with Dick Cheney's highly implausible and widely discredited assertion that Iraq was Phase II of, or the new central front on, the War on Terror. Of course, the true explanation of where the non-existent, highly decentralized "front" would take much longer than a disgusting 30-second TV advertisement. The recent attacks in Turkey, Saudi Arabia, and Morocco (along with the regrouping of the Taliban, with the assistance of certain Pakistani elements) show that al-Qaeda, unfortunately, is not slowing down. (For a more thorough analysis of the actual War on Terror, check out this fine post from Eve of the Apocalypse.)

In short, General Clark was right: the activity in Iraq is a sideshow in the War on Terror. We have 130,000 troops committed to rebuilding a country barely connected with the enemies who attacked us, yet there are only 11,000 coalition troops trying to secure Afghanistan (and by extension, put pressure on Pakistan). This is what is commonly known as a "diversion of resources". Further, we have squandered our international goodwill on the bullheaded drive for war in Iraq, have reduced our international stature immeasurably, and are fuelling anti-American sentiment in moderate Islamic and Arab states.

In short: I'm all for our (hopefully unemployed in 15 months) President to go after Al-Qaeda with the assistance of native governments, I'm all for accountability and transparency in realistically sizing up our past mistakes (stonewalling of the independent 9/11 commission, anyone?), and I'm all for actually funding our security infrastructure (recent boxcutter smuggling story, anyone?). The question is: when is he going to get serious about it?

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RANK THE IDIOCY!

(1) James Lileks, bewilderingly semi-famous writer, directed at the famous Baghdad blogger who had the unmitigated nerve to write in to the Guardian in criticizing the reconstruction/security effort:

"Hey, Salam? Fuck you. I know you’re the famous giggly blogger who gave us all a riveting view of the inner circle before the war, and thus know more about the situation than I do. Granted. But there’s a picture on the front page of my local paper today: third Minnesotan killed in Iraq. He died doing what you never had the stones to do: pick up a rifle and face the Ba’athists. You owe him."

(As for me, I couldn't go help for the following reasons: I have a terrible case of gingivitis, my adorable little scamp of a daughter is taking up finger painting next week, and that nativity scene in my front yard won't assemble itself. Writing insanely reactionary columns is all I can do, dammit!)

(2) Kyra Phillips, possibly brain-dead CNN interviewer of the doctor taking care of the Iraqi limbless boy in April 2003: "'Doctor, does he understand why this war took place? Has he talked about Operation Iraqi Freedom and the meaning. Does he understand it?'" (the answer, strangely enough, was "Actually, we don't discuss this issue with him because he is -- the burn cases, and the type of injury, he's in very bad psychological trauma.")

Still gotta go with #2.

REVERSE PERISTALSIS, PART TWO

Johno over at the Ministry of Minor Perfidy points out wonderful innovations in strengthening heterosexual marriage that may be undone by civil unions, such as (1) Las Vegas, (2) reality shows, (3) trophy wives, and (4) Congressmen and their staffers. How can we let such a hallowed institution be sullied by two committed members of the same sex?

Nico Pitney, a new contributor at Not Geniuses, goes over reactions to Governor Dean's "re-regulation" plan, which I have to admit is not a very winning phrase. How about "Smart Regulation" or "Ex-TREME Regulation"?

Charles Kuffner at Off the Kuff dissects recent personnel decisions by my beloved Houston Dis-Astros, much to the interest of me, him, and about 6 commenters. Not planning to return to Houston for a World Series victory parade any time soon.

Dave Neiwert at Orcinus tells us why Biblical societies back in the day were firmly against miscegenation, leading me to believe that we'll hear as much outrage about gay marriage in 2040 as we're hearing about interracial marriages today.

Andrew at the Poor Man, fed up with all the bullshit we voluntarily read in the blogosphere every day, comes up with rules for posting known as Blogme 03, which should go over as well as Dogme 97. I had a manifesto once (check the very early archives). Once.

Seb over at Sadly, No takes a typically Pollyannish, ill-considered quip by Andrew Sullivan concerning Afghanistan and proceeds to go to absolute town on his stunning ignorance.

South Knox Bubba provides a detailed re-cap of the Salon interview with Robert Kennedy, Jr., who is currently the general counsel for the Natural Resources Defense Council (NRDC). It's been said before, but if you must read one Salon interview with RFK, Jr. this year-- read this one, and perhaps we can start giving a shit about the environment again.

Susan at Suburban Guerrilla has an especially funny run-down of today's London protest signs directly from one of her many international correspondents.

BONUS LINK: For the New Weblog Showcase, Rob at Anarchy Zero for his run-down of disturbing developments in Iraq that are giving even our allies pause.

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REGURGITATION

Since that seems to be the symptom du jour with my current illness, I might as well feed you the following, interesting takes on current events like a mother bird feeds her nestlings (for continuing Jacko coverage, I'm afraid you'll have to resort to every single goddamned news and entertainment television channel in the known universe):

The Angry Bear has a very interesting series of posts concerning whether the current Administration is becoming protectionist, and whether he is in the process of completing the Hoover trifecta. I personally am looking forward to the re-emergence of Hoovervilles in East Austin.

Hope at the Appalachia Alumni Association continues to track the impact of the proposed Medicare drug legislation and its strange interaction with Medicaid. Uggabugga, naturally, has graphics.

Jeanne at Body and Soul provides ongoing coverage of the bizarre case of Maher Arar, a Canadian citizen handed over to Syria in the "war on terror" when that country promised not to torture him. Yes, that's the same Syria we'll probably be invading next. Try not to think about it.

Elton at Busy, Busy, Busy reads and summarizes another brain-splittingly inane column from Tom Friedman concerning his love-hate-love-hate-love-hate relationship with the Administration's policies in Iraq.

Jo Fish at Democratic Veteran undertakes the painfully quixotic task of reconciling international law with Richard "Prince of Darkness" Perle's candid admissions from London yesterday.

Kate at Electric Venom reveals that Buckingham Palace may be the next candidate for one of those interminable 38-hour Changing Rooms marathons on BBC America.

Steven at Ethel the Blog revels in the lost art of getting shit-faced at your dead-end, soul-sapping place of employment.

Kriston at Grammar Police ties together the recent horrific bombings in Turkey with the lack of actual foreign fighters in Iraq (very concisely, I might add) to hopefully defecate on and dispose of that insane "flypaper" theory once and for all.

Everybody's favorite wacky objectivist, Arthur Silber from the Light of Reason, is back from the abyss.

More later, gastric juices permitting.

I LOVE HOW THESE NAMES ROLL OFF THE TONGUE

I just got back from a science fiction literature convention, and it seems that today's writers are coming up with the strangest characters and places:

Gulbuddin Hekmatyar: Some sort of "renegade warlord" on a distant planet, calling upon some ancient religious texts to aid in his struggle against foreign invaders. Evidently not someone to be trifled with.

Zalmay Khalilzad: A wise man and envoy who returns to his native galaxy, issuing strange and prescient edicts concerning the rise of a dangerous foe, once thought vanquished.

Afghanistan: I saw a little bit of publicity for this-- but there were other, flashier booths for "Iraq VII: Dungeonmaster"; "Commander Michael Jackson and the Asteroid of Despair"; and "Civilunionimacon".

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DESERT ISLAND DISCS

In response to Balloon Juice's challenge, and I kept to ten.. er.. collections. You'll notice the absence of Ambrosia, Alien Ant Farm, and Dream Theater. I'm so sorry.

1. Stereolab: Emperor Tomato Ketchup
2. Tribe Called Quest: The Low End Theory
3. Kraftwerk: Man Machine
4. Buzzcocks: Singles Going Steady
5. The Kinks: Are The Village Green Preservation Society
6. Camper van Beethoven: Our Beloved Revolutionary Sweetheart
7. Talking Heads: Sand in the Vaseline (2-disc compilation)
8. Wendy Carlos: Switched-On Boxed Set
9. Fats Domino: My Blue Heaven
10. Propellerheads: Deck Drums & Rock and Roll

I swear to God, I'll shut down the comments on this one so quick it'll make your head spin.

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MORE ROCK CATEGORIES FOR YOUR AMUSEMENT

Thanks to Mr. Cromulent and Michele at A Small Victory (and their commenters) for the following additional categories of rock that many people find objectionable:

1. Pretentious Rock: Bands in this category usually have at least one member who is classically trained and never lets an interviewer leave that part out. They will claim their influences are Hendrix, The Ramones [ed: ?!?] and Beethoven. Look for long, drawn out solos, lyrics that reference great works of literature and concept albums. Bands include: Yes, Genesis (early Genesis), Emerson, Lake and Palmer, Iron Maiden, Dream Theater. [No, its progressive, like an early 20th century Wisconsin Senator! A shorter definition would be bands that not only know how to play, but never, ever let you forget it; Rick Wakeman is the ultimate example].

2. Suck Rock: Any band whose lead singer is an ugly miscreant and whose music makes one wish for temporary deafness. Band: Limp Bizkit. It's their very own category. [ed: What about Creed? The suckiest band of suckers that ever sucked!]

3. Spendthrift Rock: Bands that rely on mussed hair, thrift-shop clothes and low quality recording "effects" to pass off their music as hip and nostalgic. Includes The White Stripes and The Strokes. Pioneered by the catchier and more intelligent Local H. Originally invented by the Ramones, but they are immune because no one had ever gotten so famous off a bunch of 3-chord songs before. [ I could start a whole new post on lo-fi, lo-soul, lo-talent college rock poseurs that I have hated throughout history: Pavement, Sebadoh, Archers of Loaf, etc]

4. Scrap Rock: What better way to cement your band's future obscurity than by releasing a cover song as your first single? I'm sure looking forward to the Ataris ("Boys of Summer") and Alien Ant Farm ("Smooth Criminal") joining Love Spit Love ("How Soon Is Now?") and Tiffany ("I Think We're Alone Now") on Crest Toothpaste's "Monsters of Mall" Tour in 2013.

5. My musical co-editor, Uncle Jeffington, reminds me that (a) Butt Rock bands should include Faster Pussycat, Pretty Boy Floyd, Tora Tora Tora, Mr. Big, Great White, LA Guns, Nelson, Built to Spill, Twisted Sister, Bon Jovi, Vinnie Vincent, Europe, Night Ranger and Extreme; (b) Shit Rock II [a/k/a reconstituted Shit Rock] should include Damn Yankees and Bad English; and (c) who could fill out a Wuss Rock roster without Ambrosia, Captain & Tennille, Hall & Oates, and Bread?

WELL YOU KNOW MY NAME IS GEORGIE, AND I LIKE TO DO DRAW-RINGS

In an ongoing discussion of protests and the President's visit at the Daily Rant (my favorite place to act all irrational and leftist), I posted the following facetious comment:

"There's only one thing to be done in response to [protests]: close down everything for 10 days (including the underground), cancel the speech before Parliament, enforce a 10.3 mile zone of free speechery, suspend all air traffic, make anyone touching the President to have to do so with radioactive material gloves, immunize Secret Service agents from their shooting innocent people, and pre-emptively tear-gas most of Knightsbridge."

Based on my review of all of the news articles on the visit, I think that radioactive gloves and the tear-gassing of Knightsbridge were the only things not actually discussed. Crooked Timber notes that, although the partial purpose of the visit was to forcefully advocate for his blinkered foreign policy, he's pulling out of the speech to Parliament. Hesiod picks up on a Daily Mirror article that suggests that families of British military he will meet will be pre-screened so that nothing embarrassing is said or implied. And, of course, if something disagreeable does enter the President's mobile panic room, the non-response du jour ("This just shows the value of free speech") has already been thoroughly tested and mother-approved. Hopefully, the 14,000 police officers assigned to this small detail (only 3,000 more than the number of coalition soldiers in the whole of Afghanistan!) will see that this gross indignity does not occur.

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DEALER SHOWS 18. PUSH.

To selectively quote the schmuck who took over for Andrew McCarthy in Mannequin II: Death to Carter-- "I have absolutely no opinion concerning the recent decision of the Massachusetts Supreme Court concerning gay marriages. I really don't know what 'The Full Faith and Credit Clause' is all about, the different levels of scrutiny frighten and embarrass me, and the interplay between this decision and future legislative manuevers is of supreme disinterest to me."

Meshach Taylor, the only "star" to appear in both Mannequin movies, opined thusly: "Put pennies in my eyes, cuz I sure don't beleive what I'm seein'!"

WHO SHOULD THE ADMINISTRATION PISS OFF THIS WEEK?

(1) Military families over the closing of on-base schools? Sounds like a PR winner to me.

(2) A nearly-libertarian Republican congressman over the empty slogan "supporting the troops"? Well, he's kind of out there anyway. (via James Landrith)

(3) The families of 9/11 victims over your ongoing battle to suppress information from the independent commission investigating the terrorist attack? Can't possibly see that one backfiring during the New York convention in 2004.

(4) The families of dead British armed forces? They didn't have a vote, last I checked. On a related note, how is President Sock Puppet going to spend his National Lampoon's British Vacation? In a plastic bubble in one of Buckingham Palace's many panic rooms?

On the agenda for the upcoming week: British royalty, Miss United Kingdom 2002, MI6, Dame Judi Dench, St. Paul's Cathedral, the British dental profession, and several sheep. Non-voters, the lot of them!

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AND NOW, THE AMERICAN MUSIC AWARD FOR MOST UNSTABLE COUNTRY...

Looks like Afghanistan, the little tiny country that time forgot, is making a minor publicity push through its agents to get re-noticed. I know that it's difficult, with only so much of the cable new television screen available for war-related graphics (and, of course, Afghanistan is easy to miss, all tucked away on the world maps down by Guatemala). For some reason, I don't think the newly approved Iraqi textbooks or news services will be covering any of the following developments:

(1) General Abizaid starts describing combat operations in Afghanistan as "every bit as much and every bit as difficult as those that go on in Iraq." Apparently, the usual suspects (Taliban remnants, opium-financed warlords) are continuing to scuttle plans for any sort of legitimate government outside of Kabul, and are really messing up Disney World-- Kandahar preparations.

(2) But don't worry, there's decisive action afoot (Operation Emerald Claw? Infinite Circular Saw?) Hell, they're only 98,800 local militia disarmings away from the projected goal of 100,000 established a couple of months ago.

(3) Nicholas Kristof, taking a much-needed time out from his "Fast for Liberal Civility 2003", has decided to actually write a column about the deteriorating security situation in Afghanistan. It seems that heroin production is up 19-fold, schools are being burned down in fundamentalist regions. Please take time to read it until you get about halfway through, when Nick's completely inappropriate response to religious mutilation kind of ruins the whole column.

(4) Taking a page out of the Iraq playbook, Taliban remnants decide to scare the shit out of UN relief agencies by engaging in a horrific murder of an aid worker.

I guess we weren't lying when we said we sucked at military nation-building ["Let me tell you what else I'm worried about: I'm worried about an opponent who uses nation building and the military in the same sentence."-- George W. Bush, November 7, 2000].