HAPPY FURRY PUPPY STORY TIME WITH NORBIZNESS, version 2.0

DON'T GIVE US ANY IDEAS, PAKISTAN

Breaking news today: Pakistan's lower house on Monday approved constitutional changes that give the president the power to disband parliament and sack the prime minister by decree, part of a landmark compromise that would see this country's military president quit his army post by the end of next year... It will allow Musharraf to serve out his term as president, which ends in 2007, and formalize the extraordinary powers he passed by decree two years ago... Musharraf won a five-year presidential mandate in a highly controversial 2002 referendum in which he was the only candidate.

December 13, 2003: Consequently, while most Americans watched as Hussein was probed for head lice, few were aware that the FBI had just obtained the power to probe their financial records, even if the feds don't suspect their involvement in crime or terrorism... the Senate passed it with a voice vote to avoid individual accountability.

Tommy Franks, December 2003 issue of Cigar Aficionado: "It means the potential of a weapon of mass destruction and a terrorist, massive casualty-producing event somewhere in the western world- it may be in the United States of America- that causes our population to question our own Constitution and to begin to militarize our country in order to avoid a repeat of another mass-casualty-producing event".

I strongly suggest that you connect these events and opinions in your own mind, lest anyone suggest that I am becoming histrionic, unhinged, or prone to violent fits brought on by Bush Derangement Syndrome. I will only add that (1) at least the people in Pakistan had a recorded up-or-down vote and (2) you can read more about Patriot Act II (which will probably continue to be passed on a section-by-section basis as nearly invisible riders on appropriations bills) right here.

I CAST THEE OUT, NATIONAL SECURITY THREAT, IN THE NAME OF THE HOLY EXTERMINATOR!

Tom DeLay, 12/21/03: We've upset the al-Qaida networks to the point that they can't do anything right now.

Plane of Material Existence, 12/23/03: The United States issued a new terrorist attack alert Tuesday as Americans were given stark reminders of the renewed danger from al Qaeda which top officials warned could last beyond the end of year holidays.... NBC and the New York Times quoted US officials as saying the "high" alert would last at least until the end of January.

Realm of Actuality, 12/28/03: A network of Kashmiri and Afghan militants was behind the latest assassination attempt on President Pervez Musharraf, Pakistani officials said on Sunday.

Planet Earth, 12/29/03: Officials blame the suicide bombings (in Kabul) and other attacks on Taleban and al-Qaida terrorist network fighters.

In the words of Meatwad, "Do what now?"

A FEW COMMERCIALS, A FEW UPCOMING MOVIES

Me and Dolph, about to have a peach smoothie*

I was abducted and forced to see Return of the King on Friday. Although I suppose it's too late to derail this freight train, I feel compelled to suggest: for the love of God, Peter Jackson, you're not shooting a Helsberg Diamond commercial. If you would have cut out the nearly one hour's worth of "meaningful glance slo-mo shots", I could have gotten out of that ordeal with my ass nerves intact (and maybe you could have actually included for theatrical release the Christopher Lee death scene, you schmaltz-monger). In short, I think I finally suffered through "franchise fatigue".

1. John Stamos update. You know, John, I was beginning to implicitly trust you and the long-distance service you were pimping, but I sense that bringing your poor, beleaguered mother into the commercials smacks of desperation. To be perfectly honest, John, I think you should work out your mother issues in a more private setting.

2. The Butterfly Effect: Dude, Where’s My Car? Meets Donnie Darko. I have more of a chance to defeat Deep Blue after becoming Queen of Sweden than Ashton Kutcher does in being taken seriously as an actor.

3. Let me echo Mr. Cromulent’s disdain at the “Honey, I got you a new Lexus” Christmas commercials, which will hopefully be put on ice for another 48 weeks. May all of you yuppie scum meet the same fate as that mook who bought his wife a fur and a Cadillac after the Lufthansa heist in Goodfellas. With a Dead Kennedys song blaring in the background for dramatic effect.

4. Torque: There is a growing cancer in America, and it is defined as those people who didn’t get enough adrenaline-filled X-tremism from the Fast and the Furious or XXX franchises. It is incomprehensible to me that natural selection has not taken care of these people, or that the government tried in the last 10 years to make it easier for them to register to vote.

5. There’s a Snickers commercial wherein New York football Giant Michael Strahan flattens an obnoxious, taunting Cowboys fan. Now that the Giants have an extended off-season, how much do you think it would take to hire Strahan to do that for real?

6. The Punisher: I’m sorry, Dolph Lundgren is the Punisher. Please try again in 50 or so years when all memory of that powerhouse performance has faded from the national conscience.

* The smallish gentleman on the left, lamentably, is not me. My mullet is much more majestic.

BACK FROM THE ABYSS WITH 18 HOLIDAY CHEESE LOGS IN TOW

Seriously, can one person really digest that much cheese? The fact that they're pecan-encrusted doesn't really help matters. In non-cheese-log-related news, I am running down the interesting stories and links those holiday troopers in my blogroll have picked up on, and am happy to report the following:

The Angry Bear found an interesting story concerning one of the justifications for the Iraq War that is ready to take the eternal plunge into the memory hole.

Andrew at the Burnt Orange Report clocks in with some analysis on how the ballooning national debt causing splinters within the Republican Party.

It may be 3 degrees out with a wind chill that would instantly numb your extremities, but that's not stopping Colorado Luis from continuing to write about sweet, nourishing beer.

Although I'm still withholding my king-making Presidential endorsement, Lambert over at Corrente does quite a job dissecting a Washington Post hit piece on Howard Dean.

Hesiod at Counterspin analyzes the most recent numbers concerning poverty and falling household income. All I know is... so long as I still get 4-5 credit card solicitations per day, I'll never eat Ramen again!

Adam at Fanatical Apathy weighs in with the beef industry's take on the Mad Cow controversy. I'll admit that I didn't properly freak out about this development over the holidays, as the Norbizness family had chicken gumbo.

Juan Cole at Informed Comment, as usual, is a great summarizer of news regarding the Middle East. He goes into Blair's premature ejaculation concerning the discovery of WMD.

More to come later...

HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND SHIT


In the spirit of the season, let us all remember when Simpsons holiday specials were funny...

Skinner: The fifth grade will now favor us with a scene from Charles Dickens' Christmas Carol.
Homer: Ohhhh.... How many grades does this school have!

Barney: I got me a part-time job working as a Santa down at the mall.
Homer: Wow. Can I do that?
Barney: I dunno. They're pretty selective. [belch]

Manager: Do you like children?
Homer: What do you mean? All the time? Even when they're nuts?

Homer: Um... Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Nixon, Comet, Cupid.... Donna Dixon?

Bart: Aw come on, Dad. This could be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's going to happen to us!
Homer: Well, okay, let's go. Who's Tiny Tim?

AT LONG LAST, NORBIZNESS, HAVE YOU NO NEW IDEAS?

Of course you can inspect for WMDs, but I must warn you that there is nothing of interest stored in my head-wear. Oh crap.

Who knew that Alan Derschowitz and Hubie Brown would be the first gay couple married in Canada?

AAAHHH!! What the fuck is that? Red! Change the alert to red! Oh, it’s the sun… never mind.

Hey! How’d you get in here? You’re not a Member of Parliament!

One of the less popular 2:30 a.m. infomercials.

Don’t worry, Ms. Lopez. The memory wipe will take care of Phantoms, Armageddon, Forces of Nature, Dogma, Bounce, Pearl Harbor, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Daredevil, and Gigli.

Huh huh. You said “Mounted”. Yeah! Yeah!

Go ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS, civilian! EVERYTHING is normal! The TIME you spend looking at ME and my GIGANTIC gun could BETTER be spent SHOPPING!

There can be… only one.

What is it about those gay German children that is piquing the interest of these white tiger cubs?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'VE BEEN TO VIETNAM, AFGHANISTAN, AND IRAQ, AND I CAN SAY WITHOUT HYPERBOLE THAT THIS IS A MILLION TIMES WORSE THAN ALL OF THEM PUT TOGETHER
OK, got a minimalist, almost Kraftwerkian version of the links back up. Extended descriptions have been axed, because I'm lazy and/or I don't want to play favorites.

If I've inadvertently left you off (you were on there before, you'd like to be on there and you think you can take advantage of my technological disorietntation, or you've gone and pre-emptively linked me to begin with), just drop a comment and I'll try to rectify the horrific injustice.

PARDON OUR DUST

Looks like technology has gotten the better of me again, and I'll have to do the links and sidebar from the ground up. In the interim, something to ponder:

Those two guys in those ground-breaking Sonic documentary-style commercials. They tool around in a car, visiting other restaurants and offering not-so-constructive criticism. I mean, where the fuck do they get off doing that shit? What rank, stinking, noxious hypocrisy are these two mouthbreathing horse pleasurers trying to get away with? I tried a breakfast burrito at Sonic once, and ended up losing 15 pounds through gastrointestinal attrition! These are the people who can irretrievably foul up a Frito Pie!

Seriously, Sonic. I hate you. So very much.

LET'S PLAY 20 QUESTIONS: IS IT PROJECTION, OUTRIGHT LIES, OR IRONY?


The three primary moods of Tom DeLay: poisonous, maleficent, and whimsical

I was going to respond to the following quotes from the Littlest Exterminator's horrifying 18 minutes on Meet the Press this morning (the changing of the alert system from Lemon to Tangerine takes care of a few of them), but I thought it would more challenging for long-time coma patients:

The war on terror continues. Iraq, as the president has said, is a battle in that war on terror, and we're going to fight terrorists whether it be in Israel, or Iraq, or Syria, or Afghanistan, or anywhere in the Philippines

So, you know, we are winning this war on terror. We can nitpick it apart, looking for downsides or trying to smear the president, but we're winning this war on terror and the American people know it.

We've upset the al-Qaida networks to the point that they can't do anything right now.

Howard Dean just is an extreme extremist.

And we are bringing spending down and I think some of the conservatives need to really look at the record.

Tax cuts will lower the deficit and bring us to balance. That's how we balance the budget.

You know, the Democrats want to balance the budget by raising spending and raising taxes. The Soviet Union had a balanced budget.

MR. RUSSERT: "Cuckoo's Nest" was your expression, not mine, Congressman, just for the record. REP. DeLAY: That's right.

It's pretty harsh what the Democrats are saying. It's amazing to me the comments that you're hearing now coming from national politicians running for national office.

A sad state of affairs when James Carville is only the second nuttiest bastard on the program.

WEEKEND SPORTS EDITION

You want commentary and insight? Try reading a book, you ungrateful shut-in!

I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I’m not actually left-handed.

Damn you, Crazy Glue! You’re so crazy!

There’s gettin’ freaky, and then there’s gettin’ freaky Iceland-style.

I’m afraid that taking a dump on the field will, ordinarily, get you a red card.

Another skier roped in by the “triple-dog dare”.

This has been Alonzo Mourning for National “Don’t Stick Your Thumb In Your Right Eye” Week.

Did I already use that Crazy Glue joke?

Yeah, I’m pretty sure I did.

Ability to levitate: yet another reason he’s being paid $252 million over 10 years.

Guys, I found some shorts! Can I join your team now?

Tennessee and Georgia St. give a demonstration of what basketball on high-gravity Jupiter would look like.

BARRELED FISH, MEET GUN:
SHORTER TOWN HALL (AND DAVID BROOKS) COLUMNS

(Of course, for the master of shorter editorials, see Mr. Busy, Busy, Busy)

David Brooks: Only 5 more shopping days till Christmas in the Hamptons! No time! I know, I'll just reprint RNC memos!

Neil Cavuto: Fuck Europe. Seriously.

David Limbuagh: Fuck the Clintons. Seriously.

Mike Adams: You want 500 words about conservative banshee action figures and McDonald's products, I'll give you 500 words about conservative banshee action figures and McDonald's products.

Debra Saunders: I am temporarily relinquishing my gig as Laura Branigan impersonator to dump on poor little Dennis Kucinich.

William F. Buckley: You're never too old to jump the shark on the senile, babbling motorcycle.

Marvin Olasky: Just remember, I'm the unhinged witch-burner that turned President Bush on to "compassionate conservatism".

BIG JIM'S HOUSE OF JERKY PRESENTS HALF-ASSED CAPTIONEERING

I love this job. I get $14,000 for adjusting my batting gloves.

I think the Patriots injury situation has just gone from bad to ridiculous.

You mean I'm supposed to have a medical condition? How about Acute Double-Meat Whataburger Deficiency Syndrome?

Deck the halls with boughs of…. Dammit! Sing, you ingrates! SING!

60 Second Reviews with Pope John Paul concludes with a very un-Christian-like savaging of the new Jessica Alba vehicle Honey.

Nursing home’s... out... for.... EVER!

Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do…

Nearly $1 billion in international box office for the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and Peter Jackson still can’t afford furniture or shoes. You need a new agent, Peter.

IT'S NOT SO HARD WHEN YOU BREAK IT DOWN SCIENTIFICALLY


Screw you guys... I'm goin' home!

Shorter foreign policy: We are diverting some linguists and analysts from the WMD snipe hunt that we originally diverted from trying to track down al-Qaeda and Taliban in Southeastern Afghanistan to help battle people that by all rights should have been throwing garlands of flowers at us.

Shorter shorter foreign policy: "So what's the difference?"

NEWS FLASH: CONSTITUTION MAY BE APPLICABLE TO AMERICAN CITIZEN

Padilla v. Rumfseld, 2nd Circuit Court of Appeals. Holding: an American citizen detained outside of a zone of combat cannot be held as a rights-less "enemy detainee" unless Congress makes that designation. The President cannot detain American citizens by fiat.

But... he's a bomber! A dirty bomber!

In a great day for partial bipartisanship, two of the judges on the three judge panel were appointed by Bush the Younger (one joined in the decision, one partially concurred and partially dissented).
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UPDATE: Unwilling to get upstaged, the 9th Circuit decided to consider a question already before the Supreme Court, in ruling that non-citizen enemy detainees in Guantanamo should have access to the courts (full text of the opinion in Gherebi v. Bush). More on this later, possibly.

THAT WAS THEN, THIS IS NOW. LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE MIGHT HAVE TO CALL A REPO MAN. WE ARE MOVING TOWARDS DEFICITS IN MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE. THERE IS VERY LITTLE WISDOM IN THE MEN AT WORK ON OUR FISCAL WOES.


Preach on, Brother Emilio!

President Bush, March 2001: "Even if the slowdown were to turn into a recession similar to that of 1990 and '91, the Congressional Budget Office projects that the 10-year surplus would shrink by only 2 percent, from a little more than $5.6 trillion to a little less than $5.5 trillion." and also here: "We can also pay down debt. I know a lot of folks around America are worried about national debt, as am I. We pay down $2 trillion of debt over the next 10 years."

Yesterday (thanks to the Slacktivist): Looks like we can return to $250 billion annual deficits by 2009, if the following things occur (1) we achieve hundreds of billions of dollars in savings, (2) no new tax cuts are implemented, (3) spending growth remains at the rate of inflation, (4) the recent Medicare drug expenses are not counted, (5) we implement either the Logan's Run or Solyent Green plan for future Medicare and Social Security costs.

Can somebody say "up shit creek with a turd for a paddle"?

THE INDEPENDENT COMMISSION 110-METER HURDLES

1. May 2002: Chorus of voices grows for independent 9/11 commission. White House not so happy. "Vice President Dick Cheney has said he would 'actively' discourage creation of an independent panel."

2. September 2002: President Bush reverses course, decides to back Commission.

3. December 2002: Three months later, Bush attempts to appoint highly conflicted war criminal Henry Kissinger to chair the commission (Kissinger & Associates does lobbying work for Saudi Arabia). Kissinger resigns rather than give up his business. Bush appoints Thomas Kean, former Republican governor of New Jersey.

4. March 2003: Since the commission was allotted only $4 million, it's about to run out of money. Asks for another $11 million, bringing its total to one-fourth of the cost of the Whitewater investigation.

5. July 2003: John McCain, who was instrumental in setting up the commission, complains that many government agencies are stonewalling and not producing documents. Complaints later echoed by members of both parties on the commission. Congressional report released with the blacked-out pages.

6. November 2003: After already having to subpoena the FAA, the Commission, frustrated by a lack of cooperation, issues another round for the Pentagon.

7. December 17, 2003: Chairman Kean claims that his research shows that "9/11 was preventable", and claims that the commission still has "more questions than answers".

8. As of right now: Still nobody fired from the Pentagon, the FAA, the Transportation Department, the FBI, or the CIA. Families still trying to find out the truth. More wrangling over executive privilege and "national security". You're goddamned right I'm pissed.

DAMN YOU, MARK HARMON, YOU SEXY BASTARD!


Hmmm... President Harmon... I could get used to that!

Incredibly handsome refugee from the mid-80s Mark Harmon and his 'Navy NCIS' television series (9.3 rating /14 share) beat out President Bush's interview on ABC (8.6 rating/13 share). AND he's playing the President in the indispensable, future Oscar-winning Hilary Duff vehicle "Chasing Liberty". We must all band together to deny the usurper!

I personally blame overly-gauzed television news harpy Diane Sawyer for this sad state of affairs. How can the President appear to be Presidential when answering twice-baked dreck-ridden queries like this?

(1) At that moment (learn of the capture), what happened inside you?
(2) But did you have a moment just father to son after 12 years in which Saddam Hussein had called you "the son of the viper"?
(3) I guess for the family, how — maybe the question they would ask is, How much do you suffer with each death?
(4) Once again, through that door this morning, presumably, you received the threat matrix which you get every morning. (follow up: Did you know ABC has a show called 'Threat Matrix'? It's fascistastic!)
(5) I guess — did you pray to God for the capture of Saddam Hussein?
(6) What would it take to convince you he didn't have weapons of mass destruction?
(7) Are you beatable?
(8) Are they sinners? Are gays sinners?

To be honest, the answers aren't much better. Just geting the American electorate ready for 8 years of the Summer School ticket, where Mark Harmon teams up with Dean "Chainsaw" Cameron.

IF YOU REALLY EXIST, PLEASE DISENFRANCHISE YOURSELVES IMMEDIATELY

'Security Moms'? Thanks for making me vomit up my yogurt shake! 'NASCAR Dads'? There goes the orange juice! 'Young digerati'? And yesterday's tamale plate! Oh, that tastes terrible!

Let's focus on security moms for a moment. Obviously, this is a Rosie-the-Riveter equivalent of a soccer mom; i.e. some suburbanite who worries incessantly about the imperiling of her children by long-range balsa wood drones dropping Ziploc bags full of botulism all over the Little League field. In my day, of course, the standardized insane parental warning had to do with local freakniks putting LSD in the childrens' scratch-and-sniff stickers.... which may have been more plausible.

However, I don't want to get caught up in meaningless demographic labels pioneered and hawked by morning talk-show hosts. When you have only two choices in what they tell you is an important election, it's easy to make up binary trends.

AND NOW, YOUR POOR, UNFORTUNATE WINNERS

A rousing success of a caption contest all around!

Picture #1:

"If you grab right here, you'll be able to hit that high note." Kudos to Teresa, who took the direct approach! Don't blame me if your ears start bleeding.


Picture #2:

"Place the reconstruction contracts on the ground and slowly back away, Mr. Cheney." The crappy leftover CD goes to Pete, with bonus points for being a new father and advertising this crap at significant disadvantage to his reputation.

ADVENTURES IN OBJECTIMIFIED DRUDGALICIOUS REPORTAGE

This, of course, is the picture headlining the Drudge Report's banner headline "Bush: Saddam Deserves 'Ultimate Penalty'." What steely resolve! The link goes to the hard-hitting interview Diane Sawyer will conduct with the leader of the free world; the picture is from yesterday's press conference.

This, of course, is noted vampiritic child-sacrificing creepy-ass motherfucker Wesley Clark, whose Drudge-linked article goes to a one-sentence blurb in the New York Post concerning a fund-raiser Madonna will throw for the General. However, the picture went with a Yahoo! news article concerning the second-day of his blacked-out-by-the-State-Department testimony in an international war crime tribunal against Slobodan Milosevic.

Can you count the number of mind-bending paradoxes in the (a) captioning of (b) presentation of (c) activities underlying the two photos?

IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA AGAIN



"He's a 71-year-old man and I'm wearing my orange vest and credentials. I said, 'He's a retiree and I'm trying to help him get to his bus.' We each had three or four guns on us telling us to get down, facedown in the dirt. Ben didn't get down fast enough and he got a knee in his back."

"These were old Marxists, bussed-in union members and disaffected former hippies who turn out any time they can relive their childhoods from the 60s or the 30s or whatever."

A FRIENDLY REMINDER FOR YOU CHUCKLEHEADS

The "Win A Shitty And Possibly Dinged-Up CD" Caption Contest will be over in 21 hours (5:30 p.m. CST 12/16/03)!

Currently, there are some favorites, but nothing insurmountable. Come on. Don't you want a 1% chance of winning a Happy Mondays' Pills, Thrills & Bellyaches, a Manchesterian (ed: I've been told the proper term is "Mancunian" or "shoegazing") musical masterpiece so malignant that it's been categorically rejected by every used-CD store in the Greater Austin metropolitan area? A&M Records' indispensable Supertramp compilation? One of the twenty-eight separate but indistinguishable albums Neil Young put out in the 1990s?

And, if you want another garbage/borderline insulting pantload of a gift, be sure to enter The Grammar Police's caption contest.... and have yourself a merry little Winter Solstice.

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GOD-DAMN, THAT WAS A MEAT-GRINDER OF A PRESS CONFERENCE

Let's play "spot the questions Norbizness planted to ridicule the press corps"! Transcript here for cheaters.

(1) You say this is not personal, but you've also pointed out this was a man who tried to murder your father. What is your greeting to him?

(2) Mr. President, stop me if you've heard this one: "Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried." Sir, one follow-up, please: "Going to war without the French is like going deer hunting without your accordion." I'm done.

(3) Until recently, a growing number of Americans and a couple of presidential candidates were saying it might be time to think about getting out of Iraq. I know you said that you intend to stay the course, but I wonder what your view is of such sentiments, how concerned you are about that view among the public, and whether or not you think Saddam's capture should change people's thinking?

(4) Sir, that's about the fifteenth time you've brought up September 11th during the conference. Is it safe to say that September 11th taught you some valuable lessons... primarily, that you should always immediately bring up September 11th right up front when a difficult question is asked? (chloroformed.... inaudible)

(5) I know you said there will be a time for politics. But you've also said you wanted to change the tone in Washington. Howard Dean recently seemed to muse aloud whether you had advance knowledge of 9/11. Do you agree or disagree with the RNC that this kind of rhetoric borders on political hate speech?

(6) Mr. President, we all realize that the White House is a "gloat-free" zone. However, in light of this obviously positive development for the Administration, do you think that anyone who ever had any doubts about the initiation or prosecution of the war should ever get a single solitary vote to be President?

(7) Mr. President, you said earlier this morning that in a trial that all of Saddam's atrocities be brought up. He was in power more than 30 years, that probably would make for a long rap sheet. Do you believe that the invasion of Kuwait in 1990 should be included, as well as his assassination attempt against former President Bush?

(8) And I have to ask you since we're here, sir, have you chatted with your Dad since Saddam was captured?

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THE FAMILY CIRCUSIZATION OF THE WESTERN WEBLOG

Alright, who dug up the garden?

Who took a dump in the kitchen sink?

Who shaved an anarchy symbol into Barfy's back fur?

Who is a dull, sad parody of itself?

Who is pointing out the compact irony of my consecutive posts concerning the politicization of the War in Iraq and the effect of Saddam's capture on the Presidential race in 2004?

Who is responsible for anti-americanism, obligatory secularism, paternalism toward minorities?

Who introduced coarseness and scatalogy into otherwise pristine internet debates?

Who has devolved into hatred for confident, wealthy, white, heterosexual men?

Who is killing rational engagement with sophomoric kvetching?

Not Me... er... I mean... The Left!

MORAL CLARITY CHRISTMAS THANK-YOU CARDS by HALLMARK (tm)

Dear United States:

Thanks for the $500 million in aid last year. I plan on using it to buy some nice clothes and school supplies, and not to buy giant vats to assist in the boiling of my political opponents or electric shock devices or batons.

It was nice to visit with your Agriculture Secretary last month, and we like that she singled us out for recognition in the War on Non-Boiling Terror and the War in Iraq. We also appreciate your assistance in removing troublesome limey ambassadors [Ed: read that last link in its entirety] who would slander and defame our stridently anti-democratic little slice of heaven.

I know you liked our precious gift of airbases last year, so we're re-gifting it... until the operations in Afghanistan are over, then feel free to get the rock out of our country. You might think that harsh, but keep in mind that we have a lot of former Soviet Union bioweapons labs.

Your Coalition of the Willing Christmas Buddy,
Uzbekistan

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FUCK IT, I'M OFF THE UNCAVEATED JUBILATION RESERVATION

Let's see if I can tie any of these items together with reasonable coherence (Vegas odds: 5 to 1 against):

(1) With respect to Guantanamo detainees, "[International Red Cross] officials are the only outsiders who have been able to talk to the detainees. In an unusual statement in October, the ICRC said the long incarceration, with repetitive interrogations, no charges and no outside contact has caused a 'worrying deterioration' among the detainees."

(2) Jose Padilla and Yaser Esam Hamdi. Near-blackout for going on two years.

(3) Saddam Hussein, desposed tyrant from a country called "the central front in the War on Terror" by the Vice-President (a sentiment echoed by the President in the last paragraph of his speech today), key to discovering the whereabouts of the still-elusive weapons of mass destruction, possible linchpin in the coordination and financing of some of the insurgency attacks against the troops... gets the details of his initial interrogations immediately published by Time Magazine.

Perhaps I am insufficiently immune to rifts in the logic continuum. Anyone want to take a shot?
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UPDATE: Part of the reason I posted this is because of the mantra of "national security" that justifies secrecy in the war on terror. Is immediately publicizing the results of his interrogation a tacit admission that public relations trumps national security, or that such considerations aren't really in play?

UPDATE 2: And, of course, he will get POW protections, unlike 15-year-old Afghan farmboys that got sold to the Coalition by warlords.

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WOLVERINES!



You can't stop Operation: Red Dawn, my fine despotic friend.



Stay tuned! I will outdo all of the television pundits and predict with stunning accuracy exactly how this is going to affect the ongoing reconstruction of Iraq, the planning and coordination of insurgent attacks upon Coalition troops and international aid projects, the race for the Presidency in 2004, the stock market, and the Bowl Championship Series. I will also give you a eerily prescient preview of the Iraqi war crimes tribunal that will mete out justice.

Sorry, I think I was just contaminated by network news. If you're on TV, you must be an expert.

CAPTION CONTEST! WITH ACTUAL PRIZES!

Ground rules: Two pictures; one political, one non-political. Maximum entry in the comments is one caption per picture per person. Winner announced in 96 hours (5:30 p.m., Tuesday, December 16, 2003).

Prize: One compact disc (for each of the two winners, or two to one winner) to be maliciously chosen amongst the approximately 100 I was going to donate to Goodwill anyway, mailed to you with the utmost care so that you may enjoy it in time for the holidays (although there are no holiday-themed CDs).





Get to it! Bonus points if you run a web site and publicize it!
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UPDATE: I know I have precious few international readers, so at the risk of creating an incident, I'm afraid that the mailing offer only extends to people I can send the CD to for under $2.

Damn, those top two guys are tools!

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THE POLICE ACADEMY 4 OF WEBLOGS

According to the Blog Review, the Harvard/M.I.T. of unbiased weblog critique, I rate:

"1 out of 5 stars. I found nothing here that could keep my interest. I really tried.
The Trash Man's Recommendation: A nice lobotomy would be preferable to this."

Since the customer is always right, I hope, at some future date, to re-submit this site after much-needed improvements are made. I've got a few in mind: more frequent calls for the death of anti-war protestors, trademarking and copyrighting my own inane blather, comparing the Medicare drug benefit to Russian pogroms and/or Nazi death camps, developing an arcane military ranking system for commenters and contributors, and, of course, detailed posts about Italian ammunition and soldier-of-fortune opportunities in the former Belgian Congo.

Any other reactionary makeover suggestions? Post it in the comments, comrades!
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UPDATE: C'mon, there's really no point in trying to convince the owners of that august, longstanding website to change their rating, although I do appreciate the effort. I need actual suggestions to make this craphole more palatable to the reactionary masses!

SHUT YOUR FILTHY YANKEE TRAPS, OR WE'LL NO-HIT YOU NEXT TIME WITH 21 DIFFERENT PITCHERS, INCLUDING 3 BALL BOYS, 58-YEAR-OLD NOLAN RYAN, THE MASCOT, AND THE LEUKEMIA SURVIVOR WHO THREW OUT THE FIRST PITCH



Finally! I'll never have to bring the owner his lunch calzone ever again!

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FOR SOME REASON, THIS REMINDS ME OF HOMER SIMPSON'S CONTINUING, BAFFLING DESECRATION OF THE STONECUTTERS' SACRED PARCHMENT.

April 2003: Disabled protestors arrested outside Governor's office.

October 2003: After all the special sessions (on redistricting) were completed, the Department of Human Services went about the business of implementing the reduced Medicaid budget (see page 11 and 16). Adult Medicaid recipients (including the disabled) lose all sorts of services, including community and long-term care.

December 2003: Governor Perry parks in a handicapped spot in order to fulfill the important state business of filing paperwork to put George Bush on the Republican primary ticket.

No... wait... now I'm being reminded of a Seinfeld episode involving a handicapped spot.

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32 SHORT POSTS ABOUT SCHLUMBERGER OILFIELD SERVICES, L.L.C.

I never thought that America's fairness to gigantic multinational conglomerates in securing Iraqi reconstruction contracts would be such a hot topic... but I guess I should never misunderestimate the ability of the current Administration to mistime and confuse its policy directives to the delight of the blogging community.

(1) The Agitator weighs in with the libertarian / free-trade criticism of the policy.

(2) The Angry Bear ties this story in with the developing stories about Halliburton's monopoly premiums on the transport of gas. Remember this wasting of taxpayer money, of course, when considering Congress' decision to not extend unemployment benefits for the 2-million-plus people who have been unemployed for more than 26 weeks.

(3) Calpundit was the first one I saw to notice the sheer chutzpah [sp?] in asking the countries we're slighting to go ahead and start thinking about considering about maybe possibly forgiving some of that debt....? [since I check these blogs in alphabetical order, it would be unfair to neglect mentioning Cogicophony, Democratic Veteran, Grammar Police (Best Post Title in the Series), Pandagon, and TBogg]

(4) Fanatical Apathy weighs in with a long, complicated, and strangely humorless post. Or is it?

(5) The Left Coaster asks the question about this conundrum (violation of international trade laws, further deterioration of diplomacy) that I ask about every cock-up that occurs in this Administration: when is somebody going to get shit-canned for screwing up?

(6) Outside the Beltway, after getting in a dig at the New York Times, notices the creeping connection between this issue and the steel tarriff 180 a few weeks ago.

(7) Talking Points Memo, master of inside information, gets hold of the actual Wolfowitz memo detailing the silly policy.

(8) And, to close it out, a dispatch from the Whiskey Bar (with an unbelievable/possibly doctored picture of Wolfowitz) that proves that making an Administration official talk like Gollum is always a winner with the geek contingent.

HOW CAN I BEST PUT THIS?



According to the P-Funk Encyclopedia, Florida is the Zone of Zero Funkativity; the sherriff of whatever crap burg in which George Clinton was arrested is Sir Nose d'VoidofFunk; and Dr. Funkenstein must be granted immunity from this Electric Spank and returned to the Mothership forthwith, where he can practice Funkentelechy.

And while we're at it, Free Tommy Chong, you fascist jackasses!

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COMPARE AND CONTRAST

Number of Google hits for "William J. Krar" and "William Krar" combined: 98

The details about Mr. Krar can be found here. Basically, Krar "accumulated a large quantity of sodium cyanide and acids such as hydrochloric, nitric and acetic acids" and posssessed "multiple illegal weapons including machine guns, silencers, destructive devices, thousands of rounds of ammunition and a handgun with an obliterated serial number." This is what sodium cyanide does.

Of course, Krar is only a suspected white supremacist with nation-wide links to militia movements, has sold bomb-making material, and was implicated in an Oklahoma City-style bombing plot in 1995. Therefore, according to my improbability calculator, he should rate only a few stories in newspapers in Tyler and Fort Worth, and a follow-up story 3 weeks later in (holding nose) World Net Daily.

Number of Google hits for "Jose Padilla": 34,500

I think this guy was thinking about planning in the future to make a "dirty bomb". I'm pretty sure, because they're all calling him the "Dirty Bomb" suspect. The government's kind of holding him somewhere else without charging him (I think) but I'm sure he'll get his day in court eventually. I think he's involved with real terrorists--- you know, the ones who hate us because of our freedom.

BEATS CRITICAL THINKING: THE ENTERTAINMENT SECTION EDITION

Damn you! Inflate!

Miss Madonna? What's a studded dildo?

Hey, 8-Ball. Can I get a cigarette from you? I can trade you this subway token inside of my shoe.

Man, Bob Hoskins has really hit rock-bottom.

Got a little song for you, Andre 3000 and Big Boi. Called "Give Me My Goddamned Money", goes a little something like this...

R.I.P. Ruben Gonzalez (1922-2003), the amazing piano player from the Buena Vista Social Club.

Real inspired, Farrelly Brothers.

David Cross! Look out for that puddle of toxic waste! Aw, damn. Just damn!

Gotta love those re-inventions. From Ziggy Stardust to the Thin White Duke to the Really Fucked Up-Lookin' Pseudo-Cowboy Who Should Have Packed It In About Twenty Years Ago.

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THESE TWO COUNTRIES OWN US LIKE A TOY POODLE

And this goes for both political parties.

(1) The last I checked, Taiwan was not located in the Middle East. Therefore, any expression of yearning for independence or democratic institutions must be squashed post haste to sufficiently appease the Chinese leadership. For righteous anger on the subject, please check out Arthur Silber's wonderful post.

(2) I guess, given enough time, even U.S. News and World Report can fill in the blanked-out pages from the Congressional 9/11 investigation. Would it be OK to go ahead and meekly suggest that Saudi Arabia is one of the central fronts in the war on terror, rather than torturing raw intelligence to retroactively justify an ill-conceived war in Iraq?

Yeah, I didn't think so.

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CONSERVATION

I still maintain that the 2004 election will only be interesting if somebody actually decides to run against Bush in the Republican primary, forcing him to spend some of his hundreds of millions trying to defend either the "compassionate" or the "conservative" portion of his record. Via the Agitator, an article in American Conservative magazine lays out the case against the President by persons "who believes in limited, constitutional government." by Doug Bandow, a former Reagan Administration official and Fellow at the Cato Institute (whether or not this august body deals with the Green Hornet's sidekick or the Rockets back-up center is still undecided, and I know I've done that joke before).

After laying out his conservative credentials through a series of observations I disagree with (Clinton should have been removed from office, Bush was elected legitimately, tax cuts for the rich are the only acceptable program the Administration puts forward), Bandow goes to town thusly:

(1) Bush is a simpleton who implements simplistic policies for complex problems.
(2) Bush will gladly sell out national interest / fiscal solvency for political gain (civil liberties restrictions, buying off seniors and farmers, irresponsible spending, bad trade policy).
(3) It's a imperial Administration, unwilling to admit mistakes, fire culpable parties, or respect the balance of power in having independent investigations by Congress.
(4) Bush's initial disdain towards nation-building was the correct impulse; since then, he's been pursuing "national social engineering".
(5) His pre-emptive foreign policy is a disaster, causing our future enemies to more quickly arm themselves and alienation to occur with our allies. Trying to keep it up could lead to re-institution of the draft.

Apparently, this guy's break with the Administration occurred in the run-up towards the Iraq war. The question is: will there ever be a credible (or even token) challenge from the right?

STRICTLY COMMERCIAL, VOL. 1

(1) There’s a commercial with an animated young female bear (you can tell: she’s wearing a bow) who’s doing a needs-to-urinate dance. Apparently, she is concerned because the toilet paper roll next to the non-existent crap-hole is getting low. Her father rolls up on her and patiently explains the virtues of Charmin Ultra, all while holding her in an inappropriate manner. My point is, can somebody explain this fucking commercial to me?

(2) Typical construct: commercial actor plays a complete dumbass (for example: Dodge truck commercial wherein the passenger shouts monster truck slogans out of a megaphone) for 26 out of 30 seconds of the commercial. He/she is upbraided at the end (megaphone is thrown to the ground, annoying character is told to stop). Product name given. Commercial over. Is this working?

(3) Noted actors in the middle levels of decaying fame (DeVito, John Goodman, Sir Lawrence Fishburne, Andy Garcia) read obviously fake letters from mental patients about some sort of satellite service. Next thing you know, they’ll be selling their Golden Globes for food money.

(4) Philip Morris (nee Altria) tells me in no uncertain terms that there is no such thing as a safe cigarette, that I’m a dumbass for continuing to smoke, and that… oh god, I need a cigarette.

(5) Guy throws football through tire swing upon taking a sexual potency enhancement drug. Wasn’t there any stock footage of a high-speed train repeatedly entering a tunnel?

(6) Scary steroid case, lifts weights, holds rally, shouts slogans about categorically having to protect one’s house. Is this a precursor to fascism?

(7) You know, John Stamos seems like a regular, easygoing sort of fella. I am at ease with John Stamos. I think I will opt for the long distance service he’s pimpin’.

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YOU ARE HEARING ME MAKING AN ENDORSEMENT



A brief word on why you don't really hear too much about the ins and outs of the Democratic primary at the Happy Furry Puppy Gaming Nook: I'm a fairly provincial person. I know Texas, but I don't know the Rust Belt, the real Bible Belt in the deep South, the Steel Belt, the Cubic Zirconia Belt, the Corn Belt, the Insurance Adjuster Belt, the Left Coast, or New York City (which I think is a made-up place designed to sell picante sauce). I wouldn't pretend to know who plays well where, and the constant struggle to appeal to that same electoral sliver of undecided, bland "independents" is about as exciting as the Tony Awards.

In addition, the redistricting circle-jerk in Texas has placed us out of the Super Tuesday primary (we happen one week later, on March 9th), so it's very likely that the eventual candidate will have been selected by then. Then comes the general election, and Bush would get 58% of the vote in Texas even if he were caught in a three-way with Troy Aikman and Reveille one week before Election Tuesday.

Therefore, as a conscientious eccentric, I'm going to throw away my vote again on the Natural Law Party, who at least thinks creatively about national problems. When it comes right down to it, think about our two corporate (but distinguishable) political parties: how fucking lame are they, when it comes right down to it?

GET YOUR HANDS OFF OF ME, YOU DAMNED FILTHY LIQUID METAL CYBORG!

Hey! Remember me, gang?

I'm not one to mess with a highbrow classic of time-travel paradox, but Anna's post concerning the spicing-up of the Dennis Hopper / Christopher Walken scene in True Romance (Carmen Miranda fruit hats for all!) got me to thinkin' on ways to radically improve Terminator 2: Judgment Day....

(1) More Flatt & Scruggs bluegrass breakdown music in highway chase sequences.

(2) T-1000 reacts really negatively to minor setbacks, such as having his gun get temporarily stuck between the bars at the mental hospital: "Son of a bitch! Why does this always happen to me?!?"

(3) T-1000 equipped with pithy sayings of his own: (a) after having a large cavity blown into his head, he could say "Hole-y Robot, Batman!"; (b) after being dropped in the molten steel, "Hot enough for ya?"; (c) during his smashing of Arnold's grill with a steel beam, "Heads up!"

(4) Benign bald doctor in the mental hospital makes Linda Hamilton dress up in frilly dresses and perform dialogues from Tennessee Williams plays.

(5) Time-travel paradox solved Back to the Future style; when the last Terminator technology is disposed of in the molten lava, Arnold fades out from view, saying "I'll see you later... later... later..."

(6) Edward Furlong replaced by that kid who played Short Round in Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and the gadget kit in the Goonies. Annoying red-headed mulleted sidekick replaced with one of the younger Jets.

(7) Joe Morton (scientist guy) responds to long tirade about his role in the development of Skynet with "Fuck all that shit, I'm just tryin' to get paid!"

(8) Michael Biehn puts in a last minute cameo appearance as a short-order cook in a border town diner, gives a knowing wink (with a "ding" sound effect) to Sarah and John Connor right before the closing credits roll.

I JUST KNOW YOU TANKED THIS GAME TO PUT TEXAS IN THE GODDAMNED HOLIDAY BOWL AGAIN, YOU SICK, SICK OKIE SON OF A BITCH.



Thanks a lot, coaching genius Bob Stoops. Kansas State 28, Oklahoma 7 with three minutes left in the third quarter. The four sports fans who read this page know what I'm talking about.
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UPDATE: Holy shit, the Horns did get picked for the Holiday Bowl. Look out, Washington State (tiredly shaking fist)!

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ELECTIONEERING

My fellow paranoid housebound lunatics, I hereby solemnly pledge that, if elected best goddamned Large Mammal in the Wizbang poll (an honor for which I was absolutely un-nominated), I will implement the following five-plank platform to improve our beloved junior high:

(a) make the cafeteria use real pepperoni on those square pizzas, instead of that Tender Vittle-ish meat substitute;
(b) promote competitive wall-ball (a/k/a "Spread Eagle") wherein losing parties will be bussed across town to the Southern Baptist prep school;
(c) personally hire some of the more annoying cast members from Boston Public for a school spirit-building group beatdown;
(d) require the teaching of creationism; and
(e) hire Manute Bol (the one on the right) as the 7th grade basketball coach.

Every fraudulently obtained vote counts; however, I must warn you that you'd just be throwing your franchise away on the following weblogs: noted malcontent and gay porn aficionado Hi, I'm Black; Carrot Top-worshipping Vicodin addict Practical Penumbra; ambulance-chasing bellybutton fetishist Tiger: Raggin' and Rantin'; or cat-loving anarchist revolutionary Pen-Elayne. The rest of the field, obviously, is comprised of a bunch of grotesque also-rans I don't know well enough to slander.

We can make Steve Guttenberg Junior High a better place, but you must do your part.

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EVERY SHRED OF CREDIBILITY MUST GO

President Bush, 11/24/03: "Working with a fine coalition, our military went to Afghanistan, destroyed the training camps of al Qaeda, and put the Taliban out of business forever."

Kandahar, Planet Earth, 12/6/03: "A bomb exploded in a bazaar in this southern Afghan city Saturday, wounding about 20 people, at least three seriously, in an attack that a Taliban spokesman said targeted but missed American soldiers who shop there."

For some reason, I'm reminded of a mattress factory outlet store that goes out of business 20-30 times a year.

FAKE NEWS IN GLORIOUS COLOR PHOTOSCOPIC PIXELLATION

Kofi Annan brokers yet another West Bank / East Bank rapper truce.

Now only slightly less popular a tourist destination than Euro-Disney.

Presidential candidate Wesley Clark meets newly transgendered Richard Moll from Night Court.

It's not going to be a very classy dime, is it?

$6.99 a pound for deli potato salad? I'd protest too!

The microphone was made in Sierra Leone, the lumber comes from Venezeula, the suit comes from Mexico, and the President comes from Bizarro World.

McDonald's: I'm barely toleratin' it.

128-year-old James Baker III has been hired as Iraq's official greeter (blue vest to come later).

Thanks for the posthumous Grammy nominations, you craven music industry dickheads.

The hip-hop Trek convention in East St. Louis--- not a very big hit.

Perhaps the only Northeastern resident enjoying the weather.

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BLEEECCCCCHHHHH

Highbrow Ham-fisted Oscar-Ready Watered-Down-Kurosawa Nausea-Inducing Historical Drama Starring an Evil Scientologist Dwarf Day is upon us.


It took me 2 years to grow this beard for Magnolia, and I ain't shavin it now!

Salon: I can't, even after all these years, bring myself to hate Cruise: He has next to nothing to give as an actor, other than a smirking stiffness.

Miami Herald: Cruise is also essentially playing the same guy he's played in nearly every movie, from "Top Gun" to "Jerry Maguire" to "Vanilla Sky." He's cocky, he gets his comeuppance and, in the process, finds humility.

Boston Globe: Tom Cruise is still playing Tom Cruise, and I'm not sure he can do anything else. But he has gotten a lot better at it.

Portland Tribune: (Tom Cruise is) the last person you want playing a haunted, near suicidal man. He's definitely the last person you want playing that man in a period piece.

National Review: In this respect, Cruise was an unfortunate choice for the lead. He never makes us forget that it is Tom Cruise the actor on screen. Tom Cruise playing Tom Cruise playing an American soldier who learns to play a samurai is a serious distraction.

Fort Worth Star-Telegram: In short, he's a bona fide 19th-century dreamboat -- a Harlequin romance cover model who has come galloping off the page. What he is not, by any stretch of the imagination, is a convincing 19th-century human being.

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SON OF THE BRIDE OF META-QUIZ

(1) Would you enjoy taking any and/or all of the following quizzes: Which Journey song are you? Which Tic-Tac flavor are you? Which character in Slaughterhouse Five are you? Which Revenge of the Nerds movie are you? What Disney Princess are you?

(X) Why yes, they all sound fascinating
( ) Maybe one of them. I love Journey.
( ) Holy mother of God. What a colossal waste of time.

(2) Will you publish the results on your personal website?

(X) It's doesn't do me much good if I don't.
( ) No, that's quite alright.


Congratulations! You're one of these people!

WARLORDS: MY ANTI-ANTI-DRUG, by DONALD RUMSFELD

Say, man, what's this I hear about skag production going up by a factor of 36? Daddy... Daddy needs his medicine!

Hamid, you holdin'? Be cool, man! Ssshh, there's like cameras everywhere!

Ahhhhh shit... maintain, Donny. Fucking maintain. This photo-op will be over soon.

Just great, man. I'm having a Midnight Express flashback. What would Brad Davis do?

Sweeeetttt. You are the man, Hamid. Just give me a minute here.

Dyn-o-mite!

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A FAIR EXCHANGE

I'll tell you what. I won't publish my long list of inside information tidbits concerning the President's Thanksgiving Day campaign commercial (fake turkey, cranberries actually Red M & Ms, stuffing was Play-doh, army jacket was actually a Members Only with a John Deere patch, Bush actually replaced by a Disney Hall of Presidents animatronic marionette, entire thing filmed at a Charlotte VFW hall using UNC-Charlotte Young Republicans as troop stand-ins, the military escort around Air Force One shot down 12 separate British Airways jet-liners) if....

.... we could just get some mainstream American coverage of the increasingly bizarre and discredited Pentagon account of the battle at Samarra, which is being blogged down to the last detail by poor, frustrated Jim Henley at Unqualified Offerings. His links include military bloggers, numerous European sources that are engaging in anti-American (by definition) investigative reporting, and one L.A. Times article which is about 90% straight Pentagon press release, 10% skepticism. A quick Google news search using the term "Samarra" suggests that, as a whole, all questions regarding the official version are being raised by other countries.

Wait, did I just violate the proposed bargain? Whoops. Not like this is going to be picked up on anyway.

EVEN THE LOSERS... GET ELIMINATED FROM EXISTENCE SOMETIMES

There are definitely too many teams in the three main sports right now (I'm going to avoid talking about hockey, because my proposal for them would to be to go back to the 6-team league that existed until the 1960s). Certain teams add little to nothing for their respective cities, except to make them the repeated butt of jokes. Well, it's time to separate the really crappy from the temporarily crappy, and institute a reverse playoff system. The "winner" of the playoff will cease to exist, the "runner-up" will cease to exist as a team, but the players could join up with other teams. The process will be repeated for three years, so that 6 teams in each league will cease to exist.

(1) Major League Baseball: So many teams, so little time. The lack of a salary cap makes it so that over 50% of the teams are pretty much guaranteed not to make the playoffs in any given system. The absolute dregs in the 8-team playoff will be the Montreal Expos, Pittsburgh Pirates, Milwaukee Brewers, and San Diego Padres in the National League, and Detroit Tigers, Texas Rangers, Tampa Bay Devil Rays, and the Kansas City Royals in the American League. At this point in time, the Tigers will inevitably win.

(1a) I also propose a one-time single-elimination playoff between the Red Sox and Yankees so that approximately 50% of the insufferable fans in the United States can be instantly team-less.

(2) National Football League: This league is a little tougher, because of parity. I can definitely identify Detroit and Arizona in the NFC, and Cleveland and San Diego in the AFC. We'll just leave it at four teams for now, and I don't think anyone other than rabid Browns fans will really be disappointed.

(3) National Basketball Association: As it stands, this 8-team playoff would necessarily have to be skewed towards the absolutely abyssmal Eastern Conference. The current teams would include the Cleveland Cavaliers, Atlanta Hawks, Miami Heat, Chicago Bulls, Orlando Magic and Washington Wizards from the East, and (of course) the Los Angeles Clippers and Golden State Warriors from the West. The Nuggets have one year to prove it isn't a fluke and the Knicks have one year to clean up their act, because they're definitely on the cusp.

As for the two cities that may get the double whammy... Detroit, you'll still have one of the original 6 NHL teams. San Diego... you'll still be a nice place to live.

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CELLULOID MAGIC

You know it had to happen sometime. Ten worst movies one has ever seen. Started with Mr. Cromulent. Went over to Mr. Kuffner. Even Atrios got into the fray, although "The English Patient" was listed ten times.

I'll try to stick to movies I've actually seen to be utterly fair. I have never seen a meaningful part of, for instance, Forrest Gump, any Michael Bay movie, Batman & Robin, most of Robin Williams' recent output (Patch Adams, Bicentennial Man), most recent SNL-spinoffs (Night at the Roxbury, the Ladies' Man, Superstar). However, I have seen a number of bad movies courtesy of Mr. Sinus Theater (an Austin live-action equivalent of Mystery Science Theater 3000), so I can include them.

1. Star Trek V. "Row, row, row your boat..."
2. Lost in Space. Gary Oldman, out-acted by a little yellow computer-generated monkey?
3. Battlefield: Earth. So bad it's good, then keeps being bad 'till it's real bad.
4. Weekend at Bernie's II. Yes. I did see this.
5. The Avengers. So boring, I don't think that they could even get any extras to work on it.
6. Can't Stop the Music. What are you thinking, Steve Guttenberg?
7. Roadhouse! Pain. Don't. Hurt.
8. Magnolia. Graciously promoted from the "most overrated" to this list upon an abbreviated, masochistic second viewing.
9. No Retreat, No Surrender. Although it's simultaneously in the "10 Funniest Movies" list.
10. Almost Heroes. That's a BAD Christopher Guest!

Feel free to re-type your own, but limit it to your own 10 worst... not most disappointing, not most overrated, not movies you heard were shitty and didn't see. Entries that include Fellini or Kubrick films (exception: Eyes Wide Shut) for the purposes of being shocking will be laughed at.

THIS IS ME, ALL SERIOUS AND SOLUTIONS-ORIENTED

I'll try to be as brief as possible, so that you can read the linked reports, speeches, and articles. I also don't want to be overly partisan, but I don't think that an honest reassessment and re-appraisal of our priorities can be done absent my firm belief that our national security would have been immeasurably enhanced had the resources devoted to the war in and rebuilding of Iraq gone to other international purposes.

(1) In terms of domestic security and reorganization, I would start with an actual, bipartisan effort to implement the reforms contained in the original Hart-Rudman report on Homeland Security. The synopsis of recommendations begins on page 141. The most important reform, apart from enhanced border security, is re-committing the country to significantly bolstering our intelligence assets (CIA, foreign service, etc.)

(2a) Iraq exists, and there's not a lot I can do about it. To date, nearly $200 billion and enormous international goodwill has been committed to a country that I believe has little to do (bang for the buck-wise) on fighting terrorism. To me, the countries that need the most direct engagement are Afghanistan/Pakistan, Saudi Arabia, Indonesia, Sudan, and the Phillipines.

(2b) If I could make the financial and troop commitment to Iraq magically disappear, I would re-commit 50,000 troops (plus NATO peacekeeping forces, or, as Wesley Clark suggests, a large Saudi force, if feasible) in Southeastern Afghanistan, along the Pakistani border. Hopefully, this would have the effect of (a) securing the border so that legitimate humanitarian efforts in post-Taliban Afghanistan can take root; (b) force Pakistan to deal directly with its own terrorism problem, including the connections with its own intelligence service.

(2c) Saudi Arabia is really the staging ground in the Middle East for counter-terrorism, and is the 800-pound gorilla in the room, as shown by our tepid efforts to exercise any political pressure on them. If this truly is a war on terrorism, then we should be willing to accept the sacrifice of higher gas prices as there is a give-and-take with their government for meaningful reform on one hand and cooperation with global police forces on the other. Of all unlikely sources, Daniel Pipes provides the best overview of a "get-tough" attitude with the Sauds.

(2d) As for Sudan, the Phillipines, and Indonesia, countries with three of the most significant Muslim populations, I can easily see a foreign aid and security commitment to each of those countries equal to that which we spend on, for instance, Egypt each year ($5-$10 billion). If we're willing to assist moderate Muslims in castigating the violent, destructive elements within their own countries (the original point of Mr. den Beste's article), we must take radical, non-military action to improve our standing with each country while genuinely improving each's stability.

(3) Finally, I think that we have the ability to act in a truly multilateral action without being perceived as "weak". I don't think that hardcore terrorists can be deterred in the traditional, Cold War sense, nor can countries be individually cowed. I also think that nearly-unilateral military action is the least efficient, most alienating procedure that can occur. Before ultimately repeating myself, I believe that this linked speech by Zbigniew Brzezinski provides the most realistic, useful paradigm for the U.S. in improving its long-term chances to weaken, and hopefully ultimately destroy, the scourge of terrorism.

Thank you, I yield the floor.

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MY GOD, IT'S FULL OF MELANIE HUTSELLS

Have I ever mentioned that I find Saturday Night Live a decrepit, crapulent enterprise produced by an aging pseudo-hipster, and should have been retired once Phil Hartman left the cast? The title of this post refers to one of the worst SNL performers ever, a marginal character actress (Tori Spelling, fraternity girl) who had one single comedic move: holding her mouth agape in a primitive form of shock and/or disgust. For instance:

(1) Jim Breuer (a/k/a Goat Boy): I look like a stoner and can make barnyard noises. 5-year run?!?
(2) Chris Elliot: Barely recycled cred did nothing for the show. Formerly funny star of David Letterman and Get a Life, relegated to boring stock characters (see also: Mark McKinney, formerly of Kids in the Hall, Janeane Garofalo, formerly of the Ben Stiller Show, and Michael McKean).
(3) Jimmy Fallon: Apparently, demographic research indicated that 14 year olds found him 43% as funny as he found himself, which is good enough for Lorne Michaels.
(4) Will Ferrell: Commonly described as the funniest part of SNL's last decade, which is like saying that Randy Quaid's performance as a mentally unhinged lawyer in Caddyshack II redeemed that movie.
(5) Darrell Hammond: The Phil Hartman of the last decade, although basically reduced to Rich Little-dom (decent impersonations, absolutely no lines or delivery).
(6) Chris Kattan: Really, how is this possible?
(7) Norm MacDonald: Master of the "obvious" half-joke, parlayed semi-notoriety into huge, Academy-winning roles in Dirty Work and Screwed.
(8) Cheri Oteri: Melanie Hutsell as a main cast member, all characters played as if they had just come out of a 36-hour angel dust marathon.
(9) Colin Quinn: Good thing his horrific, car-accidentesque stint mangling the news on SNL prepared him for his own shitfest mangling the news on Comedy Central's Politically Incorrect knock-off. See #6.
(10) Horatio Sanz: Couldn't deliver a whole flub-free line if you offered him 20 free Golden Corral buffets, immediately qualifying him for co-star credit in Boat Trip (See also: Tracy Morgan).

I don't even know about the current cast; I'm just going to assume that they're all hopelessly unredeemable hacks with the skills of an opening act at an Akron comedy club. Makes you almost pine for the season-long memory hole which existed between Bill Murray and Eddie Murphy (Robin Duke, Gilbert Gottfried, Rich Hall, Tim Kazurinsky, Gary Kroeger, Tony Rosato).

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HOW TO SUCCEED IN GENERATING TRAFFIC WITHOUT REALLY TRYING

Brief rundown: foreign policy guru to the stars Steven den Beste writes a long article responding to an e-mailer from Tehran, going over worst case scenarios in the still-undefined perpetual state of war. Dimwitted quote-hound Instapundit links to the article using one of the more inflammatory and unrealistic "us and them" excerpts. Fellow obscure blogger Balasubramania's Mania doesn't like the excerpted dichotomy, and says so in no uncertain terms. Den Beste and Instapundit somehow find this criticism and both link to him (2 of the 11 most popular blogs!).

As a result, 80+ commenters as of posting time are pillorying poor Mr. Mania, all trying desperately to come up with the more fantastic apocalyptic scenario, all trying to emptily show their steely resolve to noone in particular, all ending up proving the collective insanity (masquerading as coolly disapassionate foreign policy realism) that Mr. Mania was warning against to begin with. The comment board is currently peppered with phrases like "They will be destroyed", "They want to either subjugate or destroy us. We will destroy them first.", "Mess with us and we will blow your head off.", "We don't want to nuke Mecca. But America is never, never going to surrender to the Islamists." (to be fair, even other commenters thought this was rather silly), "we must conclude that Islam is a cancer among us and we will cauterize that cancer from this planet", "Don't say you haven't been warned.", "Secretly, though, some part of me wants this apocolypse".

If such predictions are a dead lock, what's the point in making them? For whom are you demonstrating your true-blue, 110% American, non-surrendering credentials? More importantly, are any of you near a nuclear button? I wouldn't want you to go all Martin Sheen in the Dead Zone on us in deciding that that your doomsday scenarios are a self-fulfilling prophecy.

WHERE'S ME PLATINUM DISCOVER CARD?

I don't know why I picked this particular image, but it was one of the first that showed up if you typed in "drunken sailor" into the search engine.

Evidently, drunken sailors everywhere are taking offense to John McCain's assertion that the federal government is spending money like them. They were very careful to point out that, while on shore leave, they are at least spending money that they actually have in their hands, as opposed to maxing out four or five credit cards with no intention to repay. Actual conservatives and libertarians may wish to take note: nondefense discretionary spending has increased 20.8% (including defense, it's closer to 25%) in the last several years.

When the compassionate, small-government current President took over for that tax-and-spend horndog hillbilly, the country was on track to eliminate the public debt in 7 years. Now, it looks like every man, woman and child in America will have a $25,000 lien ($7 trillion debt, 280 million Americans) attached to their retirement futures by 2012... just in time for the first baby boomers who are hitting retirement age. Logan's Run, anyone?

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GUANTANAMO-- EXCITING AND NEW

If you want the straight-forward outrage about the counterproductive, illegal, and shocking Gitmo detainee camp, you should probably read Talk Left's series of posts on the subject. To briefly recap, 660 people have been held for up to two years in Cuba without charges, any prosecutions, any access to national or international protections, or any actual contact with the outside world. It's hard to say whether the detentions have assisted the war on terrorism, but it certainly hasn't reduced the number of attacks in Afghanistan that have gone along with the re-grouping of the Taliban and the consolidation of power by warlords.

The government is now releasing/deporting/doing something with about 20% of the detainees, who must have finally passed the unofficial "answered that they weren't terrorists for the 1,000th time" test. The article surmises that the Supreme Court's willingness to challenge such impromptu detention systems has led to the sped-up discharge. The legal merits of these cases is discussed here.

The pro-sanity portion of the legal argument is evidently being handled by a consortium of high-ranking international and American judges, as well as former military judges. So I guess we can add Law Lord Johan Steyn (the system is a "monstrous failure of justice") from the UK to the list of Chamberlinesque appeaseniks. Ditto for Rear Admiral Don Guter ("For me it's a question of balance between security needs and due process, and I think we've lost our balance"), who filed a brief with the Supreme Court on behalf of the detainees along with former federal judges, diplomats and American POWs from World War II.

Of course, our mainland justice system isn't faring much better.

HOW TO PROMOTE ECONOMIC RECOVERY AND AFFIRM YOUR AMERICANOSITY

I've found that a joyful way to pass along a relatively slow Sunday evening is to respond, with zest and zeal, to every pop-up ad that greets you on the Drudge Report. It's more friendly and interactive than trying to separately indulge in the various goods and services that adorn Rush Limbaugh show commercials (male enhancement products, Ecuadoran gold futures, non-addictive mint snuff, the semi-official Trend Macrolytics Swiss Army Knife, mail-order Lithunian brides, Kirk Cameron Left Behind bobble-head dolls, an FDR dartboard, and imitation Dick Cheney toenail clippings). Just hit refresh to access:

(1) The Conservative Book Club: Need a hemisphere of your brain instantly disabled? Then order Sean Hannity's "Let Freedom Ring" pop-up book!

(2) Do you support Mel Gibson? poll: Apparently, this is an insipid Newsmax poll that inadvertently causes you to purchase the Lethal Weapon 4 / What Women Want DVD 2-pack, proceeds supporting Mel's attempt to construct and launch a cross-shaped satellite that will broadcast 9th-century Catholic dogma in 148 languages into outer space.

(3) 24/7 Pharmacy: Free medical consultations?! Confidential next-day shipping?! Will send to rural post boxes registered in the name of your Central American housekeeper?! Discreet withdrawal of large but non-reportable amounts of cash from the federally insured banking institution of your choice?! I honestly can't think of who would need such a thing.

(4) Kennedy-Western University, an online university-- Are there actually employers not named Jiffy Lube that are fooled by this?

While you're at it, go ahead and check out the Newsmax "Supporting President Bush" store. If you can't recognize the camp and/or scatalogical value of an authentic, made-in-Myanmar "I Like Bush" T-shirt, then you're not drinking enough goddamned Kool-aid, ese!