<$BlogRSDUrl$>

31 December 2003

VEGAS VACATION MEMORIES 2004:
REMEMBER WHEN THAT APACHE HELICOPTER BLEW UP DAVID CASSIDY?


Inspiration: Military Gunships to Patrol Strip.

Red Leader One [ed: sorry, I'm terrible with military lingo, so we'll have to use Star Wars instead], we have a Level 3 Partridge sighting at the Bellagio.

Roger that, Corporal Schlock. Preparing to intercept.

Let's see, gold lame or the lavender tux for tonight's show?

The missiles are flying, Uber-Commandant Goulet.

Damn this surgically implanted permanent smile! I REGRET NOTHING!

Outstanding work, team!

Prepare for Operation Infinite Danke Schoen!

NEW YEAR'S FELICITATIONS COURTESY OF THE COLOR ORANGE





BEST 2004 WISHES, COURTESY OF THE AMBIGUITY SONG
(by Camper Van Beethoven)


"Everything seems to be up in the air at this time
Everything seems to be up in the air at this time
One day soon, it'll all settle down
Everything seems to be up in the air at this time
All across the nation, people are gettin' together
From many ideas they form a single goal
Some people are gonna benefit
And others gotta sacrifice
But everything seems to seems to be up in the air at this time
I got some certain special feelings for you
I got some certain special feelings for you
I don't know if they're good or bad
But I just might give you a call
Everything seems to be up in the air at this time."

The above also serves as my only New Year's prediction.

30 December 2003

A YOUNG MAN'S GUIDE TO POLICE ACADEMY MOVIES RANKED IN THE WORST 100 OF ALL TIME, ACCORDING TO THE PHILISTINES WHO RATE MOVIES ON IMDB.COM

Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987): "Take off with the original cast... and some new civilian recruits as they take to the streets and the skies to fight crime." Alas, the last cinematic appearance of Sgt. Mahoney, played by 12-time Oscar winner Steve Guttenberg. Features, of course, Sharon Stone, who took a break from the Richard Chamberlain Allan Quartermain movies for this. 73rd worst movie of all time, unjustly bookended by the Ed Wood masterpiece Glen or Glenda and the Pauly Shore masterpiece Jury Duty.

Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988): "Hold everything! The cadets are dropping in on Miami Beach for an all new adventure. " Trying to capitalize on the success of Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise, apparently. Small starring role for Janet "Wayne Gretzky's Wife" Jones. Ranked 39th on the all-time worst list, comfortably in between recent turds in the punch bowl The Cat in the Hat (!) and Rollerball (2002).

Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989): "The Grads are going undercover in the city to unmask the mastermind of crime." You knew that the franchise was winding to an end when the sound effects guy was reduced to making farting noises... for 45 minutes. Nobody was spring-boarded to anything from this one. Ranked 32nd on the all-time worst list, between other luminous sequels Teen Wolf Too and Smokey and the Bandit III

Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow (1994): "Just when we thought the Cold War was over, leave it to these guys to heat it up again." After a five-year franchise hiatus, this movie features a Bubba Smith-less crew teaching the KGB how to deal with the Russian Mafia. Stars Christopher "Count Chocula" Lee and a young Claire Forlani in minor roles. 16th worst movie of all time, sandwiched in between misunderstood Shaquille O'Neal genie epic Kazaam and completely understood Mariah Carey shitbomb Glitter.

THIS POST IS JUST DERANGED AND JUVENILE

As you may or may not have heard, I've waited two months to finally recuse myself from the Plame investigation because Karl Rove had done a lot of political work for me back in the day. I am therefore appointing Glenn Reynolds, the finest unaccredited law professor in the whole of Prince Edward Island, special prosecutor for the duration of the case. What do you have for us, Glenn?

Well, John...

Attorney General Ashcroft, you worm!

Er... Attorney General Ashcroft, I am officially pronouncing this scandal bogus!

Well, that cleans that up. Good job, fucktard. Press corps, exit the premises.

But... but...

You heard the tool. Now get out!

SIR! YES SIR!

TERRORISTS WITH NORMAL NAMES UPDATE

With David Kay finally deciding that the WMD snipe hunt in Iraq is about as productive as watching the Oxygen Channel, perhaps we could re-direct the considerable efforts of his inspections team to East Texas.

According to yesterday's Christian Science Monitor, finding a sodium cyanide bomb and a half-million rounds of ammunition in the hands of an anti-government kook has still only rated "two government press releases and a handful of local stories, but no press conference and no coverage in the national newspapers." You would think that a coup for the FBI like this, which represented the "top of all domestic terrorist arrests in the past 20 years in terms of the lethality of the arsenal", would be trumpeted by the Justice Department and the Administration. However, as one expert on terrorism opined, finding more weapons of mass destruction in the President's home state than in the whole of Iraq could be a bit... embarrassing.

Many thanks to the 18 1/2 Minute Gap and Dave Neiwert for the continuing coverage of this case. As a result, the combined Google hits in searching for the domestic terrorist involved in this case (William Krar) approaches 1,000. Jose Padilla remains comfortably in front, however, with 43,400 hits.

AS A WHITE AGNOSTIC U.S. CITIZEN, I AM AUTHORIZED TO REVEAL THE FOLLOWING FACTS

Chartered in 1839 as the capital of the Republic of Texas, Austin became the state capital when Texas was admitted to the Union in 1846 as the twenty-eighth state.

Austin is now the fourth largest city in the state and the sixteenth most populous city in the nation. The current population of Austin is 680,899 (52.9 percent white, 30.5 percent Hispanic, 9.8 percent African American, 4.7 percent Asian and 2.1 percent other).

Area w/in Austin City limits: 252.3 square miles.

Austin averages 300 days of sunshine each year and about 33.78 inches of rainfall. It rarely snows in Austin. Austin experiences approximately 107 days at temperatures above 90 degrees.

Austin is approximately 230 miles from Mexico and less than 200 miles from 3 of the 10 largest U.S. cities (192 miles from Dallas to its north, 79 miles from San Antonio to its south, and 162 miles from Houston to its southeast).

Austin has the largest urban bat colony in North America.


If you think that publishing these bits of Austinana are signs that I'm going prematurely senile, then you haven't been reading about the dangers of almanacs. Also beware of swarthy people who are inexplicably reading up on 100 ways to please their significant other in the latest issue of Redbook.

29 December 2003

DON'T GIVE US ANY IDEAS, PAKISTAN

Breaking news today: Pakistan's lower house on Monday approved constitutional changes that give the president the power to disband parliament and sack the prime minister by decree, part of a landmark compromise that would see this country's military president quit his army post by the end of next year... It will allow Musharraf to serve out his term as president, which ends in 2007, and formalize the extraordinary powers he passed by decree two years ago... Musharraf won a five-year presidential mandate in a highly controversial 2002 referendum in which he was the only candidate.

December 13, 2003: Consequently, while most Americans watched as Hussein was probed for head lice, few were aware that the FBI had just obtained the power to probe their financial records, even if the feds don't suspect their involvement in crime or terrorism... the Senate passed it with a voice vote to avoid individual accountability.

Tommy Franks, December 2003 issue of Cigar Aficionado: "It means the potential of a weapon of mass destruction and a terrorist, massive casualty-producing event somewhere in the western world- it may be in the United States of America- that causes our population to question our own Constitution and to begin to militarize our country in order to avoid a repeat of another mass-casualty-producing event".

I strongly suggest that you connect these events and opinions in your own mind, lest anyone suggest that I am becoming histrionic, unhinged, or prone to violent fits brought on by Bush Derangement Syndrome. I will only add that (1) at least the people in Pakistan had a recorded up-or-down vote and (2) you can read more about Patriot Act II (which will probably continue to be passed on a section-by-section basis as nearly invisible riders on appropriations bills) right here.

I CAST THEE OUT, NATIONAL SECURITY THREAT, IN THE NAME OF THE HOLY EXTERMINATOR!

Tom DeLay, 12/21/03: We've upset the al-Qaida networks to the point that they can't do anything right now.

Plane of Material Existence, 12/23/03: The United States issued a new terrorist attack alert Tuesday as Americans were given stark reminders of the renewed danger from al Qaeda which top officials warned could last beyond the end of year holidays.... NBC and the New York Times quoted US officials as saying the "high" alert would last at least until the end of January.

Realm of Actuality, 12/28/03: A network of Kashmiri and Afghan militants was behind the latest assassination attempt on President Pervez Musharraf, Pakistani officials said on Sunday.

Planet Earth, 12/29/03: Officials blame the suicide bombings (in Kabul) and other attacks on Taleban and al-Qaida terrorist network fighters.

In the words of Meatwad, "Do what now?"

28 December 2003

A FEW COMMERCIALS, A FEW UPCOMING MOVIES

Me and Dolph, about to have a peach smoothie*

I was abducted and forced to see Return of the King on Friday. Although I suppose it's too late to derail this freight train, I feel compelled to suggest: for the love of God, Peter Jackson, you're not shooting a Helsberg Diamond commercial. If you would have cut out the nearly one hour's worth of "meaningful glance slo-mo shots", I could have gotten out of that ordeal with my ass nerves intact (and maybe you could have actually included for theatrical release the Christopher Lee death scene, you schmaltz-monger). In short, I think I finally suffered through "franchise fatigue".

1. John Stamos update. You know, John, I was beginning to implicitly trust you and the long-distance service you were pimping, but I sense that bringing your poor, beleaguered mother into the commercials smacks of desperation. To be perfectly honest, John, I think you should work out your mother issues in a more private setting.

2. The Butterfly Effect: Dude, Where’s My Car? Meets Donnie Darko. I have more of a chance to defeat Deep Blue after becoming Queen of Sweden than Ashton Kutcher does in being taken seriously as an actor.

3. Let me echo Mr. Cromulent’s disdain at the “Honey, I got you a new Lexus” Christmas commercials, which will hopefully be put on ice for another 48 weeks. May all of you yuppie scum meet the same fate as that mook who bought his wife a fur and a Cadillac after the Lufthansa heist in Goodfellas. With a Dead Kennedys song blaring in the background for dramatic effect.

4. Torque: There is a growing cancer in America, and it is defined as those people who didn’t get enough adrenaline-filled X-tremism from the Fast and the Furious or XXX franchises. It is incomprehensible to me that natural selection has not taken care of these people, or that the government tried in the last 10 years to make it easier for them to register to vote.

5. There’s a Snickers commercial wherein New York football Giant Michael Strahan flattens an obnoxious, taunting Cowboys fan. Now that the Giants have an extended off-season, how much do you think it would take to hire Strahan to do that for real?

6. The Punisher: I’m sorry, Dolph Lundgren is the Punisher. Please try again in 50 or so years when all memory of that powerhouse performance has faded from the national conscience.

* The smallish gentleman on the left, lamentably, is not me. My mullet is much more majestic.

BACK FROM THE ABYSS WITH 18 HOLIDAY CHEESE LOGS IN TOW

Seriously, can one person really digest that much cheese? The fact that they're pecan-encrusted doesn't really help matters. In non-cheese-log-related news, I am running down the interesting stories and links those holiday troopers in my blogroll have picked up on, and am happy to report the following:

The Angry Bear found an interesting story concerning one of the justifications for the Iraq War that is ready to take the eternal plunge into the memory hole.

Andrew at the Burnt Orange Report clocks in with some analysis on how the ballooning national debt causing splinters within the Republican Party.

It may be 3 degrees out with a wind chill that would instantly numb your extremities, but that's not stopping Colorado Luis from continuing to write about sweet, nourishing beer.

Although I'm still withholding my king-making Presidential endorsement, Lambert over at Corrente does quite a job dissecting a Washington Post hit piece on Howard Dean.

Hesiod at Counterspin analyzes the most recent numbers concerning poverty and falling household income. All I know is... so long as I still get 4-5 credit card solicitations per day, I'll never eat Ramen again!

Adam at Fanatical Apathy weighs in with the beef industry's take on the Mad Cow controversy. I'll admit that I didn't properly freak out about this development over the holidays, as the Norbizness family had chicken gumbo.

Juan Cole at Informed Comment, as usual, is a great summarizer of news regarding the Middle East. He goes into Blair's premature ejaculation concerning the discovery of WMD.

More to come later...

22 December 2003

HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND SHIT


In the spirit of the season, let us all remember when Simpsons holiday specials were funny...

Skinner: The fifth grade will now favor us with a scene from Charles Dickens' Christmas Carol.
Homer: Ohhhh.... How many grades does this school have!

Barney: I got me a part-time job working as a Santa down at the mall.
Homer: Wow. Can I do that?
Barney: I dunno. They're pretty selective. [belch]

Manager: Do you like children?
Homer: What do you mean? All the time? Even when they're nuts?

Homer: Um... Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Nixon, Comet, Cupid.... Donna Dixon?

Bart: Aw come on, Dad. This could be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's going to happen to us!
Homer: Well, okay, let's go. Who's Tiny Tim?

AT LONG LAST, NORBIZNESS, HAVE YOU NO NEW IDEAS?

Of course you can inspect for WMDs, but I must warn you that there is nothing of interest stored in my head-wear. Oh crap.

Who knew that Alan Derschowitz and Hubie Brown would be the first gay couple married in Canada?

AAAHHH!! What the fuck is that? Red! Change the alert to red! Oh, it’s the sun… never mind.

Hey! How’d you get in here? You’re not a Member of Parliament!

One of the less popular 2:30 a.m. infomercials.

Don’t worry, Ms. Lopez. The memory wipe will take care of Phantoms, Armageddon, Forces of Nature, Dogma, Bounce, Pearl Harbor, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Daredevil, and Gigli.

Huh huh. You said “Mounted”. Yeah! Yeah!

Go ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS, civilian! EVERYTHING is normal! The TIME you spend looking at ME and my GIGANTIC gun could BETTER be spent SHOPPING!

There can be… only one.

What is it about those gay German children that is piquing the interest of these white tiger cubs?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'VE BEEN TO VIETNAM, AFGHANISTAN, AND IRAQ, AND I CAN SAY WITHOUT HYPERBOLE THAT THIS IS A MILLION TIMES WORSE THAN ALL OF THEM PUT TOGETHER
OK, got a minimalist, almost Kraftwerkian version of the links back up. Extended descriptions have been axed, because I'm lazy and/or I don't want to play favorites.

If I've inadvertently left you off (you were on there before, you'd like to be on there and you think you can take advantage of my technological disorietntation, or you've gone and pre-emptively linked me to begin with), just drop a comment and I'll try to rectify the horrific injustice.

PARDON OUR DUST

Looks like technology has gotten the better of me again, and I'll have to do the links and sidebar from the ground up. In the interim, something to ponder:

Those two guys in those ground-breaking Sonic documentary-style commercials. They tool around in a car, visiting other restaurants and offering not-so-constructive criticism. I mean, where the fuck do they get off doing that shit? What rank, stinking, noxious hypocrisy are these two mouthbreathing horse pleasurers trying to get away with? I tried a breakfast burrito at Sonic once, and ended up losing 15 pounds through gastrointestinal attrition! These are the people who can irretrievably foul up a Frito Pie!

Seriously, Sonic. I hate you. So very much.

21 December 2003

LET'S PLAY 20 QUESTIONS: IS IT PROJECTION, OUTRIGHT LIES, OR IRONY?


The three primary moods of Tom DeLay: poisonous, maleficent, and whimsical

I was going to respond to the following quotes from the Littlest Exterminator's horrifying 18 minutes on Meet the Press this morning (the changing of the alert system from Lemon to Tangerine takes care of a few of them), but I thought it would more challenging for long-time coma patients:

The war on terror continues. Iraq, as the president has said, is a battle in that war on terror, and we're going to fight terrorists whether it be in Israel, or Iraq, or Syria, or Afghanistan, or anywhere in the Philippines

So, you know, we are winning this war on terror. We can nitpick it apart, looking for downsides or trying to smear the president, but we're winning this war on terror and the American people know it.

We've upset the al-Qaida networks to the point that they can't do anything right now.

Howard Dean just is an extreme extremist.

And we are bringing spending down and I think some of the conservatives need to really look at the record.

Tax cuts will lower the deficit and bring us to balance. That's how we balance the budget.

You know, the Democrats want to balance the budget by raising spending and raising taxes. The Soviet Union had a balanced budget.

MR. RUSSERT: "Cuckoo's Nest" was your expression, not mine, Congressman, just for the record. REP. DeLAY: That's right.

It's pretty harsh what the Democrats are saying. It's amazing to me the comments that you're hearing now coming from national politicians running for national office.


A sad state of affairs when James Carville is only the second nuttiest bastard on the program.

20 December 2003

WEEKEND SPORTS EDITION

You want commentary and insight? Try reading a book, you ungrateful shut-in!

I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I’m not actually left-handed.

Damn you, Crazy Glue! You’re so crazy!

There’s gettin’ freaky, and then there’s gettin’ freaky Iceland-style.

I’m afraid that taking a dump on the field will, ordinarily, get you a red card.

Another skier roped in by the “triple-dog dare”.

This has been Alonzo Mourning for National “Don’t Stick Your Thumb In Your Right Eye” Week.

Did I already use that Crazy Glue joke?

Yeah, I’m pretty sure I did.

Ability to levitate: yet another reason he’s being paid $252 million over 10 years.

Guys, I found some shorts! Can I join your team now?

Tennessee and Georgia St. give a demonstration of what basketball on high-gravity Jupiter would look like.

BARRELED FISH, MEET GUN:
SHORTER TOWN HALL (AND DAVID BROOKS) COLUMNS


(Of course, for the master of shorter editorials, see Mr. Busy, Busy, Busy)

David Brooks: Only 5 more shopping days till Christmas in the Hamptons! No time! I know, I'll just reprint RNC memos!

Neil Cavuto: Fuck Europe. Seriously.

David Limbuagh: Fuck the Clintons. Seriously.

Mike Adams: You want 500 words about conservative banshee action figures and McDonald's products, I'll give you 500 words about conservative banshee action figures and McDonald's products.

Debra Saunders: I am temporarily relinquishing my gig as Laura Branigan impersonator to dump on poor little Dennis Kucinich.

William F. Buckley: You're never too old to jump the shark on the senile, babbling motorcycle.

Marvin Olasky: Just remember, I'm the unhinged witch-burner that turned President Bush on to "compassionate conservatism".

This page is powered by Blogger. Isn't yours?