06 January 2004
'TIL DEATH DO US PART
I've been informed at regular intervals that I should "get off blogspot", that blogspot is the shitty-tasting generic cola of weblog hosting services, that I need to upgrade to movable type to enhance my permalink accessibility (I'm assuming those are actual words). For a brief nanosecond, I was almost swayed by these arguments, even though I have less money than a Wal-Mart greeter who's getting jellybeans in lieu of overtime compensation.
Then, much to my delight, intrepid reader Carl pointed out that you can access patriotic, George W. Bush-related products through a blogspot-generated link at the top of the page.
"Is it any wonder it's our best-selling button?"
Holy mackerel! I couldn't come up with a better derisive button if I tried!
Oh stop it, I peed my pants! You evil bastards!
Sam the Eagle! You big, fat Muppet sellout!
No fucking way I'm leaving this place now. I love you, Blogspot!
I've been informed at regular intervals that I should "get off blogspot", that blogspot is the shitty-tasting generic cola of weblog hosting services, that I need to upgrade to movable type to enhance my permalink accessibility (I'm assuming those are actual words). For a brief nanosecond, I was almost swayed by these arguments, even though I have less money than a Wal-Mart greeter who's getting jellybeans in lieu of overtime compensation.
Then, much to my delight, intrepid reader Carl pointed out that you can access patriotic, George W. Bush-related products through a blogspot-generated link at the top of the page.
"Is it any wonder it's our best-selling button?"
Holy mackerel! I couldn't come up with a better derisive button if I tried!
Oh stop it, I peed my pants! You evil bastards!
Sam the Eagle! You big, fat Muppet sellout!
No fucking way I'm leaving this place now. I love you, Blogspot!
WOULDN'T IT BE NICE?
We sure would like to see low-wage workers get paid overtime, but here's a a clever way that you can pay them with dry-cleaning coupons isntead.
We sure would like to put a stop to horrific gerrymandering, but we'll leave it up to the voters who are being increasingly herded into impotent, gerrymandered districts to do so.
We would sure have liked to assist undocumented Mexican workers in getting legal status earlier, but I'm not aware that the years 2001, 2002, or 2003 were Presidential election years.
We sure would like to hold exporters of nuclear technology to two-thirds of the Axis of Evil accountable, but come on now. Is anybody really paying attention to this story? I mean, seriously. At least Pakistan isn't exporting terror into Afghanistan. Oh, shit. Well, I think we can safely assume that nobody's paying attention to that old nag of a "news story" either.
We sure would like to see low-wage workers get paid overtime, but here's a a clever way that you can pay them with dry-cleaning coupons isntead.
We sure would like to put a stop to horrific gerrymandering, but we'll leave it up to the voters who are being increasingly herded into impotent, gerrymandered districts to do so.
We would sure have liked to assist undocumented Mexican workers in getting legal status earlier, but I'm not aware that the years 2001, 2002, or 2003 were Presidential election years.
We sure would like to hold exporters of nuclear technology to two-thirds of the Axis of Evil accountable, but come on now. Is anybody really paying attention to this story? I mean, seriously. At least Pakistan isn't exporting terror into Afghanistan. Oh, shit. Well, I think we can safely assume that nobody's paying attention to that old nag of a "news story" either.
ALL THE HORSESHIT THAT'S FIT TO PRINT
Shorter David Brooks: Anyone who uses the well-established word "neoconservative" is a dangerously delusional, unhinged, anti-Semitic, conspiracy theorist who doubts the estimable ability of our President to make up his own mind about foreign policy decisions. Did I mention anti-Semitic?
For a more scholarly analysis of this tripas, see Josh Marshall.
Shorter David Brooks: Anyone who uses the well-established word "neoconservative" is a dangerously delusional, unhinged, anti-Semitic, conspiracy theorist who doubts the estimable ability of our President to make up his own mind about foreign policy decisions. Did I mention anti-Semitic?
For a more scholarly analysis of this tripas, see Josh Marshall.
FOR THOSE ABOUT TO FROTH, WE DISPUTE YOU
1. Howard Dean, Wahabbist and Fag-Lover (link thanks to And Then...):
But Dean doesn’t have to become a terrorist (although his policies do express a hatred of America that can only be inspired by the Quran); he can convince some of his followers to do it for him. You will get 72 civil unions in heaven.
2. Howard Dean, Brownshirt (Projection):
And no public figure embodies the left's contempt for basic freedoms more perfectly than Howard Dean... It's Goebbels again: Just keep repeating the lies until the lies assume the force of truth... Dean never deals in specifics on security issues. Because he doesn't know the specifics. It's all Big Brother Doublespeak.
3. Howard Dean, Post-Modern Caricature by the Ghost of Spiro Agnew:
In the ad, a farmer says he thinks that "Howard Dean should take his tax-hiking, government-expanding, latte-drinking, sushi-eating, Volvo-driving, New York Times-reading ..." before the farmer's wife then finishes the sentence: "... Hollywood-loving, left-wing freak show back to Vermont, where it belongs."
4. Howard Dean, Channeling Alec Baldwin in Malice
I'm extremely leery of doctors in politics - right or left, they always veer toward the intolerant, dictatorial and secretive.
5. Howard Dean, Pussy-Whipped Cringing Gentile:
Dean's wife is Jewish and his two children are being raised Jewish, which is strange at best, considering the two faiths take a distinctly different view of Jesus.
The many faces of Howard Dean, according to the well-balanced, never clinically deranged Right side of the aisle. And you wonder why apathetic independents like myself who live in electorally pre-determined states won't entertain voting for this absolute psychopath of a candidate, who apparently likes Jews, the Quran, Alec Baldwin characters, fags, raw fish, and Goebbels.
1. Howard Dean, Wahabbist and Fag-Lover (link thanks to And Then...):
But Dean doesn’t have to become a terrorist (although his policies do express a hatred of America that can only be inspired by the Quran); he can convince some of his followers to do it for him. You will get 72 civil unions in heaven.
2. Howard Dean, Brownshirt (Projection):
And no public figure embodies the left's contempt for basic freedoms more perfectly than Howard Dean... It's Goebbels again: Just keep repeating the lies until the lies assume the force of truth... Dean never deals in specifics on security issues. Because he doesn't know the specifics. It's all Big Brother Doublespeak.
3. Howard Dean, Post-Modern Caricature by the Ghost of Spiro Agnew:
In the ad, a farmer says he thinks that "Howard Dean should take his tax-hiking, government-expanding, latte-drinking, sushi-eating, Volvo-driving, New York Times-reading ..." before the farmer's wife then finishes the sentence: "... Hollywood-loving, left-wing freak show back to Vermont, where it belongs."
4. Howard Dean, Channeling Alec Baldwin in Malice
I'm extremely leery of doctors in politics - right or left, they always veer toward the intolerant, dictatorial and secretive.
5. Howard Dean, Pussy-Whipped Cringing Gentile:
Dean's wife is Jewish and his two children are being raised Jewish, which is strange at best, considering the two faiths take a distinctly different view of Jesus.
The many faces of Howard Dean, according to the well-balanced, never clinically deranged Right side of the aisle. And you wonder why apathetic independents like myself who live in electorally pre-determined states won't entertain voting for this absolute psychopath of a candidate, who apparently likes Jews, the Quran, Alec Baldwin characters, fags, raw fish, and Goebbels.
05 January 2004
MAYBE YOU EXPECTED 2,500 WORDS ON MEDIA CONSOLIDATION
Nope, Jaws 3-D still sucks. What were you thinking, Dennis Quaid?
Of course I value free speech. However, you must take your confrontational query to the "Interesting Questions Zone" located in the White Castle in Gary, Indiana.
HELP! Secret Service! 'Hungry Caterpillar' down!!
Having Duran Duran cover art on ze valls really helps me to pretend to vork.
Please dear, just another half mil to get me through the weekend. You know I'm good for it.
We're putting the nation on alert for people that may be performing early 80's dances. Here, let me demonstrate "The Robot."
Oh, here's the little nipper. I thought I felt a bulgy spot.
[Poor taste alert] Warning: never buy generic Viagra south of the border.
Great, the band's burnin' blunts in the tour bus and I gotta listen to 45 minutes on textile workers.
Nope, Jaws 3-D still sucks. What were you thinking, Dennis Quaid?
Of course I value free speech. However, you must take your confrontational query to the "Interesting Questions Zone" located in the White Castle in Gary, Indiana.
HELP! Secret Service! 'Hungry Caterpillar' down!!
Having Duran Duran cover art on ze valls really helps me to pretend to vork.
Please dear, just another half mil to get me through the weekend. You know I'm good for it.
We're putting the nation on alert for people that may be performing early 80's dances. Here, let me demonstrate "The Robot."
[Poor taste alert] Warning: never buy generic Viagra south of the border.
Great, the band's burnin' blunts in the tour bus and I gotta listen to 45 minutes on textile workers.
THE ONGOING, INFINITE WAR ON CRITICISM
(Title taken from The Onion).
I realize that Incurious George needs to have the day's events and articles synopsized for him by friendly staffers, and that he needs to cancel addresses before the British Parliament if anti-war MPs are there to question him, and that the term "Free Speech Zone" is a horrible but necessary combination of oxymoron and doublespeak, and that people with dissenting placards need to be quarantined away from the rest of right-thinking America as if they had some sort of contagious disease, and that construction workers who have taken leave of their senses should be detained in makeshift outdoor camps, and that the Secret Service's function is to insulate the President from viewpoints other than his own, and that it's OK to arrest people in Crawford even if they aren't protesting, and that the 2004 Republican National Convention in New York will resemble some sort of morbid Escape From New York / Citizen Kane hybrid, but....
.... there's no but. It's just a pretty fucking sorry state of affairs.
(Title taken from The Onion).
I realize that Incurious George needs to have the day's events and articles synopsized for him by friendly staffers, and that he needs to cancel addresses before the British Parliament if anti-war MPs are there to question him, and that the term "Free Speech Zone" is a horrible but necessary combination of oxymoron and doublespeak, and that people with dissenting placards need to be quarantined away from the rest of right-thinking America as if they had some sort of contagious disease, and that construction workers who have taken leave of their senses should be detained in makeshift outdoor camps, and that the Secret Service's function is to insulate the President from viewpoints other than his own, and that it's OK to arrest people in Crawford even if they aren't protesting, and that the 2004 Republican National Convention in New York will resemble some sort of morbid Escape From New York / Citizen Kane hybrid, but....
.... there's no but. It's just a pretty fucking sorry state of affairs.
04 January 2004
REMEMBER ME WHEN YOU'RE RICH AND FAMOUS
Presented without comment, visit them and give them money and show them the adoration and worship they richly deserve (although I have about as much influence with the blogosophere as biracial homosexual vampires do with the GOP):
18 1/2 Minute Gap, And Then..., The Blue Bus, Collective Sigh, Cosmic Iguana, Enjoy Every Sandwich, Fables of the Reconstruction, The Green[e]house Effect, Informed Comment, Just a Bump in the Beltway, Kop's Blog, Low Grade Panic, Metajournalism, Rhetoric & Rhythm, Sidonie's Way, Speedkill, (Evil) Stradiotto, That Colored Fella, A Voyage to Arcturus, and World O'Crap.
Come on, like you really were going to build that huge USS Enterprise model.
Presented without comment, visit them and give them money and show them the adoration and worship they richly deserve (although I have about as much influence with the blogosophere as biracial homosexual vampires do with the GOP):
18 1/2 Minute Gap, And Then..., The Blue Bus, Collective Sigh, Cosmic Iguana, Enjoy Every Sandwich, Fables of the Reconstruction, The Green[e]house Effect, Informed Comment, Just a Bump in the Beltway, Kop's Blog, Low Grade Panic, Metajournalism, Rhetoric & Rhythm, Sidonie's Way, Speedkill, (Evil) Stradiotto, That Colored Fella, A Voyage to Arcturus, and World O'Crap.
Come on, like you really were going to build that huge USS Enterprise model.
BLOG MANIFESTO: END-OF-THE-YEAR AUDIT
(1) Idiotarian is not a word. It does not describe a concept. People who use such terms are idiotarians. Compliance. I have done my part to sneer at this mystifying word’s continued usage.
(2) So and so does not “get it right”. In fact, I don’t care what so and so thinks. Posting somebody’s entire entry, where your entire original content was “(Blogger X) had an interesting post”, is useless. Compliance. I have stolen lots of ideas and links, and have avoided attribution and re-posting.
(3) Nobody gives a fuck about your college, your guinea pig Snuggles, or your hometown. In the words of an Onion T-shirt I can’t afford, “Your Favorite Band Sucks”. Partial compliance. I did get through summer 2003 without saying “Austin’s hot”, but did gloat about the Austin City Limits Music Festival. I did a Desert Island Discs, but have not singled out any band for worship.
(4) You may have libertarian tendencies, but you are not a libertarian. No compliance necessary.
(5) Don’t even try to step to scientific studies, or even pop-scientific studies. Stay away from any math higher than long division, and confine your statistical analysis to such phrases as “why, that’s within the margin of error!” Complete compliance. Haven’t even come close, except to add up the debt.
(6) If called on inconsistent postings by a blog researcher who has combed your archives, admit it freely. Not applicable: nobody is really trying to catch me on anything.
(7) Fundamentalists of any stripe are fucking morons. You don’t have to ever, EVER apologize for making fun of them. Compliance: a moderate amount of derision, and no apologies.
(8) Your analogy is probably wrong on multiple levels. Compliance. This would actually involve research and critical thinking.
(9) If you get negative feedback from screeching lunatics, you’re doing something right. For good measure, delete everything that comes into your e-mail in-box. Gratuitously insert yourself into each talkback, and indiscriminately delete people who keep calling you out (but don’t announce it). When the person complains, delete the complaint. Repeat as necessary. When someone asks “Whatever happened to [unnamed troll]?” delete their post as well. If someone complains about the lack of ideological balance, delete them as well. Leave no evidence of the deletions. Save the e-mails you don’t delete for comic value. Assuming your comments section has many nom de plumes, post stupid e-mails and attribute them to people you don’t like. Make up your own critical e-mails, and respond to them as well, using many fallacious arguments, which in turn generates more e-mails. Not applicable: This is still sound advice, but see #6.
(10) Although this may run contrary to point (2), do selectively quote bloggers you don’t like, punctuated only by the comment “what a fucktard”. For the maximum amount of confusion, use very content-neutral quotes, or even quotes you agree with to make the point again and again that Glenn Reynolds (whoops, Freudian slip) is a fucktard. Consistently leave it up to the reader’s imagination WHY it is you consider Glenn Reynolds a fucktard. Compliance: You can run your own Google search to confirm. However, fewer and fewer people are wondering why he’s a fucktard.
(1) Idiotarian is not a word. It does not describe a concept. People who use such terms are idiotarians. Compliance. I have done my part to sneer at this mystifying word’s continued usage.
(2) So and so does not “get it right”. In fact, I don’t care what so and so thinks. Posting somebody’s entire entry, where your entire original content was “(Blogger X) had an interesting post”, is useless. Compliance. I have stolen lots of ideas and links, and have avoided attribution and re-posting.
(3) Nobody gives a fuck about your college, your guinea pig Snuggles, or your hometown. In the words of an Onion T-shirt I can’t afford, “Your Favorite Band Sucks”. Partial compliance. I did get through summer 2003 without saying “Austin’s hot”, but did gloat about the Austin City Limits Music Festival. I did a Desert Island Discs, but have not singled out any band for worship.
(4) You may have libertarian tendencies, but you are not a libertarian. No compliance necessary.
(5) Don’t even try to step to scientific studies, or even pop-scientific studies. Stay away from any math higher than long division, and confine your statistical analysis to such phrases as “why, that’s within the margin of error!” Complete compliance. Haven’t even come close, except to add up the debt.
(6) If called on inconsistent postings by a blog researcher who has combed your archives, admit it freely. Not applicable: nobody is really trying to catch me on anything.
(7) Fundamentalists of any stripe are fucking morons. You don’t have to ever, EVER apologize for making fun of them. Compliance: a moderate amount of derision, and no apologies.
(8) Your analogy is probably wrong on multiple levels. Compliance. This would actually involve research and critical thinking.
(9) If you get negative feedback from screeching lunatics, you’re doing something right. For good measure, delete everything that comes into your e-mail in-box. Gratuitously insert yourself into each talkback, and indiscriminately delete people who keep calling you out (but don’t announce it). When the person complains, delete the complaint. Repeat as necessary. When someone asks “Whatever happened to [unnamed troll]?” delete their post as well. If someone complains about the lack of ideological balance, delete them as well. Leave no evidence of the deletions. Save the e-mails you don’t delete for comic value. Assuming your comments section has many nom de plumes, post stupid e-mails and attribute them to people you don’t like. Make up your own critical e-mails, and respond to them as well, using many fallacious arguments, which in turn generates more e-mails. Not applicable: This is still sound advice, but see #6.
(10) Although this may run contrary to point (2), do selectively quote bloggers you don’t like, punctuated only by the comment “what a fucktard”. For the maximum amount of confusion, use very content-neutral quotes, or even quotes you agree with to make the point again and again that Glenn Reynolds (whoops, Freudian slip) is a fucktard. Consistently leave it up to the reader’s imagination WHY it is you consider Glenn Reynolds a fucktard. Compliance: You can run your own Google search to confirm. However, fewer and fewer people are wondering why he’s a fucktard.
MORE QUESTIONS THAN ANSWERS
1. I’m as opposed to the law enforcement overreaching and evisceration of the 4th Amendment in the Patriot Act as the next guy… but as long as it’s here, there’s got to be a provision we can use to get ESPN’s Chris Berman off the air. Isn’t there?
1a. With portions of Patriot Act II in place, guests in Vegas are being subjected to increased scrutiny. I will gladly trade this gross intrusion on my gambling privacy in exchange for the FBI explaining baccarat to me.
2. Now that the Cowboys have lost 29-10 to the Panthers, can we safely declare them the worst team ever to have made the NFL playoffs?
3. Pete Rose is reportedly admitting in his new autobiography that he bet on baseball. In related news, the Sun is admitting in its new autobiography to being rather warm.
4. Pat Robertson, via the great political bookie in the sky, is predicting… oh, what’s the use? The only think that keeps me an agnostic rather than a militant atheist is the “hot coals up the ass for all eternity” possibility for this jackass.
5. 158-year-old Ralph Hall, a Texas Democrat since Reconstruction, is switching parties because he suspects that Tom DeLay poisoned his dog. Or refuses to give his district money. Or was breaking up his district. I get those Russian Mafia tactics confused.
6. Why are we landing grapes on Mars? Is this a peace offering? Is NASA concerned by the documentaries Mission to Mars and Red Planet?
7. If we just required the average pod person who announces the local TV news to say “Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy” instead of “mad cow disease”, I have a feeling that the story would disappear pretty quickly.
8. I just saw a commercial for a 2-CD set for a collection called “The Hard and the Heavy” that actually led off with “Up All Night” by Slaughter and followed up with “Cherry Pie” by Warrant, while only listing songs by Judas Priest and Cinderella. That is just bullshit.
9. OK, one picture, but it’s not my caption, because it’s too surreal. And very wrong.
“A U.S. woman (right) and supporter of the Israeli security barrier shouts at an Israeli peace activist in Jerusalem on January 2, 2004.”
10. Everyone should read Veterans for Common Sense, a site promoted and/or run by James Landrith.
1. I’m as opposed to the law enforcement overreaching and evisceration of the 4th Amendment in the Patriot Act as the next guy… but as long as it’s here, there’s got to be a provision we can use to get ESPN’s Chris Berman off the air. Isn’t there?
1a. With portions of Patriot Act II in place, guests in Vegas are being subjected to increased scrutiny. I will gladly trade this gross intrusion on my gambling privacy in exchange for the FBI explaining baccarat to me.
2. Now that the Cowboys have lost 29-10 to the Panthers, can we safely declare them the worst team ever to have made the NFL playoffs?
3. Pete Rose is reportedly admitting in his new autobiography that he bet on baseball. In related news, the Sun is admitting in its new autobiography to being rather warm.
4. Pat Robertson, via the great political bookie in the sky, is predicting… oh, what’s the use? The only think that keeps me an agnostic rather than a militant atheist is the “hot coals up the ass for all eternity” possibility for this jackass.
5. 158-year-old Ralph Hall, a Texas Democrat since Reconstruction, is switching parties because he suspects that Tom DeLay poisoned his dog. Or refuses to give his district money. Or was breaking up his district. I get those Russian Mafia tactics confused.
6. Why are we landing grapes on Mars? Is this a peace offering? Is NASA concerned by the documentaries Mission to Mars and Red Planet?
7. If we just required the average pod person who announces the local TV news to say “Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy” instead of “mad cow disease”, I have a feeling that the story would disappear pretty quickly.
8. I just saw a commercial for a 2-CD set for a collection called “The Hard and the Heavy” that actually led off with “Up All Night” by Slaughter and followed up with “Cherry Pie” by Warrant, while only listing songs by Judas Priest and Cinderella. That is just bullshit.
9. OK, one picture, but it’s not my caption, because it’s too surreal. And very wrong.
“A U.S. woman (right) and supporter of the Israeli security barrier shouts at an Israeli peace activist in Jerusalem on January 2, 2004.”
10. Everyone should read Veterans for Common Sense, a site promoted and/or run by James Landrith.
02 January 2004
REDISTRICTING 2004: SEE POINT #5
(1) I may exhibit an even higher than normal level of partisan shrillness on this issue, since my beloved, compact Travis County congressional district is being carved into three parts. My new district connects me with Hidalgo County, some 250 miles away. I'm pretty sure that a county whose median family income is $7000 and which has a chronic shortage of indoor plumbing is necessarily happy to be lumped in the same "community of interest" as my condo-livin' ass.
(2) I'm not sure whether the new map dilutes minority voting rights, although my magic 8-ball says that "all signs point to yes". As somebody who half-believes in participatory democracy and hates the binary two-party system, the fact that the new map "predetermines elections" and reduces electoral competition is enough for me. If two parties aren't enough, I'm not sure I like the idea of the Republican or Democratic primary determining the outcome of the election.
(3) Also note that Republicans, under the current, uncontroversial map could have won 20 out of 32 seats, but are stuck at 15 "because of poorly run campaigns". No more taking chances, I guess. The expert goes on to call my new District 25 "substantially worse" than any district in most every other map.
(4) The new map has gotten, surprisingly enough, pre-clearance from the Justice Department--- mainly by political appointees overruling the objections of career Justice Department attorneys. It's now in the hands of a 3-judge panel in the 5th Circuit, which may or may not be influenced by a far-less-egregious example of political redistricting in Pennsylvania.
(5) This fucking thing stinks worse than Baytown. For you non-Texans and Orwell fans, imagine a boot stamping down on a bag filled with feces and bleu cheese... forever.
(1) I may exhibit an even higher than normal level of partisan shrillness on this issue, since my beloved, compact Travis County congressional district is being carved into three parts. My new district connects me with Hidalgo County, some 250 miles away. I'm pretty sure that a county whose median family income is $7000 and which has a chronic shortage of indoor plumbing is necessarily happy to be lumped in the same "community of interest" as my condo-livin' ass.
(2) I'm not sure whether the new map dilutes minority voting rights, although my magic 8-ball says that "all signs point to yes". As somebody who half-believes in participatory democracy and hates the binary two-party system, the fact that the new map "predetermines elections" and reduces electoral competition is enough for me. If two parties aren't enough, I'm not sure I like the idea of the Republican or Democratic primary determining the outcome of the election.
(3) Also note that Republicans, under the current, uncontroversial map could have won 20 out of 32 seats, but are stuck at 15 "because of poorly run campaigns". No more taking chances, I guess. The expert goes on to call my new District 25 "substantially worse" than any district in most every other map.
(4) The new map has gotten, surprisingly enough, pre-clearance from the Justice Department--- mainly by political appointees overruling the objections of career Justice Department attorneys. It's now in the hands of a 3-judge panel in the 5th Circuit, which may or may not be influenced by a far-less-egregious example of political redistricting in Pennsylvania.
(5) This fucking thing stinks worse than Baytown. For you non-Texans and Orwell fans, imagine a boot stamping down on a bag filled with feces and bleu cheese... forever.
01 January 2004
IF YOU'D LIKE, YOU CAN STOP READING AFTER THE FIRST ONE.
I've just had a 24-ounce ribeye to prove that our American beef is safe and... Sweet Jesus, why am I lactating?
No, ma'am, this doesn't have anything to do with terrorism. You just need to get your raggedy ass home and find some clothes made after 1983.
You dare question Emperor Tommy? How about some levitation, puny House Select Committee on Public Health?
(singing) There he is... Mr. Infectious Respiratory Disease...
The Dave Matthews Band has now officially bored everyone shitless.
I'm dreadfully sorry, sir, but it is customary to perform the seated cable rows while not in a three-piece suit.
"$55 for a Loggins and Messina reunion tour ticket, $3.50 for bottled water, $6.50 for Miller Lite, and they only have one Port-o-Potty? Outrageous!"
Local #3189 of the Road Re-Surfacers, Piano Tuners, and Chinese Calligraphers Union just called for an emergency meeting.
I've just had a 24-ounce ribeye to prove that our American beef is safe and... Sweet Jesus, why am I lactating?
No, ma'am, this doesn't have anything to do with terrorism. You just need to get your raggedy ass home and find some clothes made after 1983.
You dare question Emperor Tommy? How about some levitation, puny House Select Committee on Public Health?
(singing) There he is... Mr. Infectious Respiratory Disease...
The Dave Matthews Band has now officially bored everyone shitless.
I'm dreadfully sorry, sir, but it is customary to perform the seated cable rows while not in a three-piece suit.
"$55 for a Loggins and Messina reunion tour ticket, $3.50 for bottled water, $6.50 for Miller Lite, and they only have one Port-o-Potty? Outrageous!"
Local #3189 of the Road Re-Surfacers, Piano Tuners, and Chinese Calligraphers Union just called for an emergency meeting.
NEW YEAR'S DAY LEFTOVER ARTICLE BLITZKRIEG
Not Funny Unless You Rearrange The Letters, and Probably Not Even Then
I can't honestly remember where I got most of these articles, although I'm sure that I've ripped everyone else's research off in equal amounts. Time to scrounge around for that leftover booze.
(1) Attacks Force Retreat From Wide-Ranging Plans for Iraq: All nation-building must go before the 2004 Convention! No reasonable offer will be refused!
(2) Debt-- With You Always: Who wants another $10,000 on their national credit card tab? Don't worry, I'm sure there's a secret plan to move everyone to the Yukon Territory under assumed identities. Related story: Analysts Say Future Budget Outlook Gloomy. I guess 'gloomy' is better than 'potentially disastrous'.
(3) FBI Applies New Rules to Surveillance: If you liked the military operating like law enforcement, you're sure to love criminal investigations being treated like intelligence operations.
(4) State Fiscal Crisis: A brief look at the current effect of actually having to balance your budget. Safety net, schmafety net.
(5) Medical Evacuations From Iraq Near 11,000: "The Pentagon's casualty update for Operation Iraqi Freedom listed on its Web site, however, does not reflect thousands of the evacuations." No comment.
(6) Under The Cover Of Darkness: You see, legislation is just like sausage being made in an underground sausage factory by a select group of unidentified sausage-mongers.
(7) The Bush Administration's Penchant for Secrecy: It's just as well, it would just angry up the blood if you knew what was going on anyway.
(8) Opium is Thriving and the Taleban are Back: Final predictions were "US forces will pull out within three years. The Taleban will be back in power within five." Delightful! For additional information on this obviously un-newsworthy turn of events, see the CEIP Report "Think Again: A Forgotten War."
(9) Jobless Count Skips Millions: Just in case you haven't seen this story on about 134 other weblogs. An excellent explanation of the twinge of skepticism you feel when the unemployment rate seems to drop while everyone you know is struggling to find work. Brief summary: because they forget to count 4.9 million working part-time who would rather be working full-time, as well as 1.5 million "discouraged" job-seekers.
(10) Iraq Keeps Russia, France in Running for Oil Deals: What leads me to believe that this is a late entrant for "Most Short-Lived Development of 2003"? In any event, it gives an interesting look inside the deliberations of the Iraqi Governing Council.
(11) Corporate Pensions Face Pressure (via Atrios, I think): Don't worry, the Fortune 500 companies are only a quarter-of-a-trillion dollars short. Will Wal-Mart step up to the plate and provide the requisite number of greeter positions?
(12) 254 Flicks Battle for Best Picture: Something tells me that 2003 could be the most surprising year for movie awards since Zapped! swept the Oscars in 1983 (according to the Onion). If Bibleman was a feature-length movie instead of a TV show, I'm sure that Willie Aames would grab that elusive second Oscar.
Not Funny Unless You Rearrange The Letters, and Probably Not Even Then
I can't honestly remember where I got most of these articles, although I'm sure that I've ripped everyone else's research off in equal amounts. Time to scrounge around for that leftover booze.
(1) Attacks Force Retreat From Wide-Ranging Plans for Iraq: All nation-building must go before the 2004 Convention! No reasonable offer will be refused!
(2) Debt-- With You Always: Who wants another $10,000 on their national credit card tab? Don't worry, I'm sure there's a secret plan to move everyone to the Yukon Territory under assumed identities. Related story: Analysts Say Future Budget Outlook Gloomy. I guess 'gloomy' is better than 'potentially disastrous'.
(3) FBI Applies New Rules to Surveillance: If you liked the military operating like law enforcement, you're sure to love criminal investigations being treated like intelligence operations.
(4) State Fiscal Crisis: A brief look at the current effect of actually having to balance your budget. Safety net, schmafety net.
(5) Medical Evacuations From Iraq Near 11,000: "The Pentagon's casualty update for Operation Iraqi Freedom listed on its Web site, however, does not reflect thousands of the evacuations." No comment.
(6) Under The Cover Of Darkness: You see, legislation is just like sausage being made in an underground sausage factory by a select group of unidentified sausage-mongers.
(7) The Bush Administration's Penchant for Secrecy: It's just as well, it would just angry up the blood if you knew what was going on anyway.
(8) Opium is Thriving and the Taleban are Back: Final predictions were "US forces will pull out within three years. The Taleban will be back in power within five." Delightful! For additional information on this obviously un-newsworthy turn of events, see the CEIP Report "Think Again: A Forgotten War."
(9) Jobless Count Skips Millions: Just in case you haven't seen this story on about 134 other weblogs. An excellent explanation of the twinge of skepticism you feel when the unemployment rate seems to drop while everyone you know is struggling to find work. Brief summary: because they forget to count 4.9 million working part-time who would rather be working full-time, as well as 1.5 million "discouraged" job-seekers.
(10) Iraq Keeps Russia, France in Running for Oil Deals: What leads me to believe that this is a late entrant for "Most Short-Lived Development of 2003"? In any event, it gives an interesting look inside the deliberations of the Iraqi Governing Council.
(11) Corporate Pensions Face Pressure (via Atrios, I think): Don't worry, the Fortune 500 companies are only a quarter-of-a-trillion dollars short. Will Wal-Mart step up to the plate and provide the requisite number of greeter positions?
(12) 254 Flicks Battle for Best Picture: Something tells me that 2003 could be the most surprising year for movie awards since Zapped! swept the Oscars in 1983 (according to the Onion). If Bibleman was a feature-length movie instead of a TV show, I'm sure that Willie Aames would grab that elusive second Oscar.
31 December 2003
VEGAS VACATION MEMORIES 2004:
REMEMBER WHEN THAT APACHE HELICOPTER BLEW UP DAVID CASSIDY?
Inspiration: Military Gunships to Patrol Strip.
Red Leader One [ed: sorry, I'm terrible with military lingo, so we'll have to use Star Wars instead], we have a Level 3 Partridge sighting at the Bellagio.
Roger that, Corporal Schlock. Preparing to intercept.
Let's see, gold lame or the lavender tux for tonight's show?
The missiles are flying, Uber-Commandant Goulet.
Damn this surgically implanted permanent smile! I REGRET NOTHING!
Outstanding work, team!
Prepare for Operation Infinite Danke Schoen!
REMEMBER WHEN THAT APACHE HELICOPTER BLEW UP DAVID CASSIDY?
Inspiration: Military Gunships to Patrol Strip.
Red Leader One [ed: sorry, I'm terrible with military lingo, so we'll have to use Star Wars instead], we have a Level 3 Partridge sighting at the Bellagio.
Roger that, Corporal Schlock. Preparing to intercept.
Let's see, gold lame or the lavender tux for tonight's show?
The missiles are flying, Uber-Commandant Goulet.
Damn this surgically implanted permanent smile! I REGRET NOTHING!
Outstanding work, team!
Prepare for Operation Infinite Danke Schoen!
BEST 2004 WISHES, COURTESY OF THE AMBIGUITY SONG
(by Camper Van Beethoven)
"Everything seems to be up in the air at this time
Everything seems to be up in the air at this time
One day soon, it'll all settle down
Everything seems to be up in the air at this time
All across the nation, people are gettin' together
From many ideas they form a single goal
Some people are gonna benefit
And others gotta sacrifice
But everything seems to seems to be up in the air at this time
I got some certain special feelings for you
I got some certain special feelings for you
I don't know if they're good or bad
But I just might give you a call
Everything seems to be up in the air at this time."
The above also serves as my only New Year's prediction.
(by Camper Van Beethoven)
"Everything seems to be up in the air at this time
Everything seems to be up in the air at this time
One day soon, it'll all settle down
Everything seems to be up in the air at this time
All across the nation, people are gettin' together
From many ideas they form a single goal
Some people are gonna benefit
And others gotta sacrifice
But everything seems to seems to be up in the air at this time
I got some certain special feelings for you
I got some certain special feelings for you
I don't know if they're good or bad
But I just might give you a call
Everything seems to be up in the air at this time."
The above also serves as my only New Year's prediction.
30 December 2003
A YOUNG MAN'S GUIDE TO POLICE ACADEMY MOVIES RANKED IN THE WORST 100 OF ALL TIME, ACCORDING TO THE PHILISTINES WHO RATE MOVIES ON IMDB.COM
Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987): "Take off with the original cast... and some new civilian recruits as they take to the streets and the skies to fight crime." Alas, the last cinematic appearance of Sgt. Mahoney, played by 12-time Oscar winner Steve Guttenberg. Features, of course, Sharon Stone, who took a break from the Richard Chamberlain Allan Quartermain movies for this. 73rd worst movie of all time, unjustly bookended by the Ed Wood masterpiece Glen or Glenda and the Pauly Shore masterpiece Jury Duty.
Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988): "Hold everything! The cadets are dropping in on Miami Beach for an all new adventure. " Trying to capitalize on the success of Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise, apparently. Small starring role for Janet "Wayne Gretzky's Wife" Jones. Ranked 39th on the all-time worst list, comfortably in between recent turds in the punch bowl The Cat in the Hat (!) and Rollerball (2002).
Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989): "The Grads are going undercover in the city to unmask the mastermind of crime." You knew that the franchise was winding to an end when the sound effects guy was reduced to making farting noises... for 45 minutes. Nobody was spring-boarded to anything from this one. Ranked 32nd on the all-time worst list, between other luminous sequels Teen Wolf Too and Smokey and the Bandit III
Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow (1994): "Just when we thought the Cold War was over, leave it to these guys to heat it up again." After a five-year franchise hiatus, this movie features a Bubba Smith-less crew teaching the KGB how to deal with the Russian Mafia. Stars Christopher "Count Chocula" Lee and a young Claire Forlani in minor roles. 16th worst movie of all time, sandwiched in between misunderstood Shaquille O'Neal genie epic Kazaam and completely understood Mariah Carey shitbomb Glitter.
Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987): "Take off with the original cast... and some new civilian recruits as they take to the streets and the skies to fight crime." Alas, the last cinematic appearance of Sgt. Mahoney, played by 12-time Oscar winner Steve Guttenberg. Features, of course, Sharon Stone, who took a break from the Richard Chamberlain Allan Quartermain movies for this. 73rd worst movie of all time, unjustly bookended by the Ed Wood masterpiece Glen or Glenda and the Pauly Shore masterpiece Jury Duty.
Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988): "Hold everything! The cadets are dropping in on Miami Beach for an all new adventure. " Trying to capitalize on the success of Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise, apparently. Small starring role for Janet "Wayne Gretzky's Wife" Jones. Ranked 39th on the all-time worst list, comfortably in between recent turds in the punch bowl The Cat in the Hat (!) and Rollerball (2002).
Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989): "The Grads are going undercover in the city to unmask the mastermind of crime." You knew that the franchise was winding to an end when the sound effects guy was reduced to making farting noises... for 45 minutes. Nobody was spring-boarded to anything from this one. Ranked 32nd on the all-time worst list, between other luminous sequels Teen Wolf Too and Smokey and the Bandit III
Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow (1994): "Just when we thought the Cold War was over, leave it to these guys to heat it up again." After a five-year franchise hiatus, this movie features a Bubba Smith-less crew teaching the KGB how to deal with the Russian Mafia. Stars Christopher "Count Chocula" Lee and a young Claire Forlani in minor roles. 16th worst movie of all time, sandwiched in between misunderstood Shaquille O'Neal genie epic Kazaam and completely understood Mariah Carey shitbomb Glitter.
THIS POST IS JUST DERANGED AND JUVENILE
As you may or may not have heard, I've waited two months to finally recuse myself from the Plame investigation because Karl Rove had done a lot of political work for me back in the day. I am therefore appointing Glenn Reynolds, the finest unaccredited law professor in the whole of Prince Edward Island, special prosecutor for the duration of the case. What do you have for us, Glenn?
Well, John...
Attorney General Ashcroft, you worm!
Er... Attorney General Ashcroft, I am officially pronouncing this scandal bogus!
Well, that cleans that up. Good job, fucktard. Press corps, exit the premises.
But... but...
You heard the tool. Now get out!
SIR! YES SIR!
As you may or may not have heard, I've waited two months to finally recuse myself from the Plame investigation because Karl Rove had done a lot of political work for me back in the day. I am therefore appointing Glenn Reynolds, the finest unaccredited law professor in the whole of Prince Edward Island, special prosecutor for the duration of the case. What do you have for us, Glenn?
Well, John...
Attorney General Ashcroft, you worm!
Er... Attorney General Ashcroft, I am officially pronouncing this scandal bogus!
Well, that cleans that up. Good job, fucktard. Press corps, exit the premises.
But... but...
You heard the tool. Now get out!
SIR! YES SIR!
TERRORISTS WITH NORMAL NAMES UPDATE
With David Kay finally deciding that the WMD snipe hunt in Iraq is about as productive as watching the Oxygen Channel, perhaps we could re-direct the considerable efforts of his inspections team to East Texas.
According to yesterday's Christian Science Monitor, finding a sodium cyanide bomb and a half-million rounds of ammunition in the hands of an anti-government kook has still only rated "two government press releases and a handful of local stories, but no press conference and no coverage in the national newspapers." You would think that a coup for the FBI like this, which represented the "top of all domestic terrorist arrests in the past 20 years in terms of the lethality of the arsenal", would be trumpeted by the Justice Department and the Administration. However, as one expert on terrorism opined, finding more weapons of mass destruction in the President's home state than in the whole of Iraq could be a bit... embarrassing.
Many thanks to the 18 1/2 Minute Gap and Dave Neiwert for the continuing coverage of this case. As a result, the combined Google hits in searching for the domestic terrorist involved in this case (William Krar) approaches 1,000. Jose Padilla remains comfortably in front, however, with 43,400 hits.
With David Kay finally deciding that the WMD snipe hunt in Iraq is about as productive as watching the Oxygen Channel, perhaps we could re-direct the considerable efforts of his inspections team to East Texas.
According to yesterday's Christian Science Monitor, finding a sodium cyanide bomb and a half-million rounds of ammunition in the hands of an anti-government kook has still only rated "two government press releases and a handful of local stories, but no press conference and no coverage in the national newspapers." You would think that a coup for the FBI like this, which represented the "top of all domestic terrorist arrests in the past 20 years in terms of the lethality of the arsenal", would be trumpeted by the Justice Department and the Administration. However, as one expert on terrorism opined, finding more weapons of mass destruction in the President's home state than in the whole of Iraq could be a bit... embarrassing.
Many thanks to the 18 1/2 Minute Gap and Dave Neiwert for the continuing coverage of this case. As a result, the combined Google hits in searching for the domestic terrorist involved in this case (William Krar) approaches 1,000. Jose Padilla remains comfortably in front, however, with 43,400 hits.
AS A WHITE AGNOSTIC U.S. CITIZEN, I AM AUTHORIZED TO REVEAL THE FOLLOWING FACTS
Chartered in 1839 as the capital of the Republic of Texas, Austin became the state capital when Texas was admitted to the Union in 1846 as the twenty-eighth state.
Austin is now the fourth largest city in the state and the sixteenth most populous city in the nation. The current population of Austin is 680,899 (52.9 percent white, 30.5 percent Hispanic, 9.8 percent African American, 4.7 percent Asian and 2.1 percent other).
Area w/in Austin City limits: 252.3 square miles.
Austin averages 300 days of sunshine each year and about 33.78 inches of rainfall. It rarely snows in Austin. Austin experiences approximately 107 days at temperatures above 90 degrees.
Austin is approximately 230 miles from Mexico and less than 200 miles from 3 of the 10 largest U.S. cities (192 miles from Dallas to its north, 79 miles from San Antonio to its south, and 162 miles from Houston to its southeast).
Austin has the largest urban bat colony in North America.
If you think that publishing these bits of Austinana are signs that I'm going prematurely senile, then you haven't been reading about the dangers of almanacs. Also beware of swarthy people who are inexplicably reading up on 100 ways to please their significant other in the latest issue of Redbook.
Chartered in 1839 as the capital of the Republic of Texas, Austin became the state capital when Texas was admitted to the Union in 1846 as the twenty-eighth state.
Austin is now the fourth largest city in the state and the sixteenth most populous city in the nation. The current population of Austin is 680,899 (52.9 percent white, 30.5 percent Hispanic, 9.8 percent African American, 4.7 percent Asian and 2.1 percent other).
Area w/in Austin City limits: 252.3 square miles.
Austin averages 300 days of sunshine each year and about 33.78 inches of rainfall. It rarely snows in Austin. Austin experiences approximately 107 days at temperatures above 90 degrees.
Austin is approximately 230 miles from Mexico and less than 200 miles from 3 of the 10 largest U.S. cities (192 miles from Dallas to its north, 79 miles from San Antonio to its south, and 162 miles from Houston to its southeast).
Austin has the largest urban bat colony in North America.
If you think that publishing these bits of Austinana are signs that I'm going prematurely senile, then you haven't been reading about the dangers of almanacs. Also beware of swarthy people who are inexplicably reading up on 100 ways to please their significant other in the latest issue of Redbook.
29 December 2003
DON'T GIVE US ANY IDEAS, PAKISTAN
Breaking news today: Pakistan's lower house on Monday approved constitutional changes that give the president the power to disband parliament and sack the prime minister by decree, part of a landmark compromise that would see this country's military president quit his army post by the end of next year... It will allow Musharraf to serve out his term as president, which ends in 2007, and formalize the extraordinary powers he passed by decree two years ago... Musharraf won a five-year presidential mandate in a highly controversial 2002 referendum in which he was the only candidate.
December 13, 2003: Consequently, while most Americans watched as Hussein was probed for head lice, few were aware that the FBI had just obtained the power to probe their financial records, even if the feds don't suspect their involvement in crime or terrorism... the Senate passed it with a voice vote to avoid individual accountability.
Tommy Franks, December 2003 issue of Cigar Aficionado: "It means the potential of a weapon of mass destruction and a terrorist, massive casualty-producing event somewhere in the western world- it may be in the United States of America- that causes our population to question our own Constitution and to begin to militarize our country in order to avoid a repeat of another mass-casualty-producing event".
I strongly suggest that you connect these events and opinions in your own mind, lest anyone suggest that I am becoming histrionic, unhinged, or prone to violent fits brought on by Bush Derangement Syndrome. I will only add that (1) at least the people in Pakistan had a recorded up-or-down vote and (2) you can read more about Patriot Act II (which will probably continue to be passed on a section-by-section basis as nearly invisible riders on appropriations bills) right here.
Breaking news today: Pakistan's lower house on Monday approved constitutional changes that give the president the power to disband parliament and sack the prime minister by decree, part of a landmark compromise that would see this country's military president quit his army post by the end of next year... It will allow Musharraf to serve out his term as president, which ends in 2007, and formalize the extraordinary powers he passed by decree two years ago... Musharraf won a five-year presidential mandate in a highly controversial 2002 referendum in which he was the only candidate.
December 13, 2003: Consequently, while most Americans watched as Hussein was probed for head lice, few were aware that the FBI had just obtained the power to probe their financial records, even if the feds don't suspect their involvement in crime or terrorism... the Senate passed it with a voice vote to avoid individual accountability.
Tommy Franks, December 2003 issue of Cigar Aficionado: "It means the potential of a weapon of mass destruction and a terrorist, massive casualty-producing event somewhere in the western world- it may be in the United States of America- that causes our population to question our own Constitution and to begin to militarize our country in order to avoid a repeat of another mass-casualty-producing event".
I strongly suggest that you connect these events and opinions in your own mind, lest anyone suggest that I am becoming histrionic, unhinged, or prone to violent fits brought on by Bush Derangement Syndrome. I will only add that (1) at least the people in Pakistan had a recorded up-or-down vote and (2) you can read more about Patriot Act II (which will probably continue to be passed on a section-by-section basis as nearly invisible riders on appropriations bills) right here.
I CAST THEE OUT, NATIONAL SECURITY THREAT, IN THE NAME OF THE HOLY EXTERMINATOR!
Tom DeLay, 12/21/03: We've upset the al-Qaida networks to the point that they can't do anything right now.
Plane of Material Existence, 12/23/03: The United States issued a new terrorist attack alert Tuesday as Americans were given stark reminders of the renewed danger from al Qaeda which top officials warned could last beyond the end of year holidays.... NBC and the New York Times quoted US officials as saying the "high" alert would last at least until the end of January.
Realm of Actuality, 12/28/03: A network of Kashmiri and Afghan militants was behind the latest assassination attempt on President Pervez Musharraf, Pakistani officials said on Sunday.
Planet Earth, 12/29/03: Officials blame the suicide bombings (in Kabul) and other attacks on Taleban and al-Qaida terrorist network fighters.
In the words of Meatwad, "Do what now?"
Tom DeLay, 12/21/03: We've upset the al-Qaida networks to the point that they can't do anything right now.
Plane of Material Existence, 12/23/03: The United States issued a new terrorist attack alert Tuesday as Americans were given stark reminders of the renewed danger from al Qaeda which top officials warned could last beyond the end of year holidays.... NBC and the New York Times quoted US officials as saying the "high" alert would last at least until the end of January.
Realm of Actuality, 12/28/03: A network of Kashmiri and Afghan militants was behind the latest assassination attempt on President Pervez Musharraf, Pakistani officials said on Sunday.
Planet Earth, 12/29/03: Officials blame the suicide bombings (in Kabul) and other attacks on Taleban and al-Qaida terrorist network fighters.
In the words of Meatwad, "Do what now?"
28 December 2003
A FEW COMMERCIALS, A FEW UPCOMING MOVIES
Me and Dolph, about to have a peach smoothie*
I was abducted and forced to see Return of the King on Friday. Although I suppose it's too late to derail this freight train, I feel compelled to suggest: for the love of God, Peter Jackson, you're not shooting a Helsberg Diamond commercial. If you would have cut out the nearly one hour's worth of "meaningful glance slo-mo shots", I could have gotten out of that ordeal with my ass nerves intact (and maybe you could have actually included for theatrical release the Christopher Lee death scene, you schmaltz-monger). In short, I think I finally suffered through "franchise fatigue".
1. John Stamos update. You know, John, I was beginning to implicitly trust you and the long-distance service you were pimping, but I sense that bringing your poor, beleaguered mother into the commercials smacks of desperation. To be perfectly honest, John, I think you should work out your mother issues in a more private setting.
2. The Butterfly Effect: Dude, Where’s My Car? Meets Donnie Darko. I have more of a chance to defeat Deep Blue after becoming Queen of Sweden than Ashton Kutcher does in being taken seriously as an actor.
3. Let me echo Mr. Cromulent’s disdain at the “Honey, I got you a new Lexus” Christmas commercials, which will hopefully be put on ice for another 48 weeks. May all of you yuppie scum meet the same fate as that mook who bought his wife a fur and a Cadillac after the Lufthansa heist in Goodfellas. With a Dead Kennedys song blaring in the background for dramatic effect.
4. Torque: There is a growing cancer in America, and it is defined as those people who didn’t get enough adrenaline-filled X-tremism from the Fast and the Furious or XXX franchises. It is incomprehensible to me that natural selection has not taken care of these people, or that the government tried in the last 10 years to make it easier for them to register to vote.
5. There’s a Snickers commercial wherein New York football Giant Michael Strahan flattens an obnoxious, taunting Cowboys fan. Now that the Giants have an extended off-season, how much do you think it would take to hire Strahan to do that for real?
6. The Punisher: I’m sorry, Dolph Lundgren is the Punisher. Please try again in 50 or so years when all memory of that powerhouse performance has faded from the national conscience.
* The smallish gentleman on the left, lamentably, is not me. My mullet is much more majestic.
Me and Dolph, about to have a peach smoothie*
I was abducted and forced to see Return of the King on Friday. Although I suppose it's too late to derail this freight train, I feel compelled to suggest: for the love of God, Peter Jackson, you're not shooting a Helsberg Diamond commercial. If you would have cut out the nearly one hour's worth of "meaningful glance slo-mo shots", I could have gotten out of that ordeal with my ass nerves intact (and maybe you could have actually included for theatrical release the Christopher Lee death scene, you schmaltz-monger). In short, I think I finally suffered through "franchise fatigue".
1. John Stamos update. You know, John, I was beginning to implicitly trust you and the long-distance service you were pimping, but I sense that bringing your poor, beleaguered mother into the commercials smacks of desperation. To be perfectly honest, John, I think you should work out your mother issues in a more private setting.
2. The Butterfly Effect: Dude, Where’s My Car? Meets Donnie Darko. I have more of a chance to defeat Deep Blue after becoming Queen of Sweden than Ashton Kutcher does in being taken seriously as an actor.
3. Let me echo Mr. Cromulent’s disdain at the “Honey, I got you a new Lexus” Christmas commercials, which will hopefully be put on ice for another 48 weeks. May all of you yuppie scum meet the same fate as that mook who bought his wife a fur and a Cadillac after the Lufthansa heist in Goodfellas. With a Dead Kennedys song blaring in the background for dramatic effect.
4. Torque: There is a growing cancer in America, and it is defined as those people who didn’t get enough adrenaline-filled X-tremism from the Fast and the Furious or XXX franchises. It is incomprehensible to me that natural selection has not taken care of these people, or that the government tried in the last 10 years to make it easier for them to register to vote.
5. There’s a Snickers commercial wherein New York football Giant Michael Strahan flattens an obnoxious, taunting Cowboys fan. Now that the Giants have an extended off-season, how much do you think it would take to hire Strahan to do that for real?
6. The Punisher: I’m sorry, Dolph Lundgren is the Punisher. Please try again in 50 or so years when all memory of that powerhouse performance has faded from the national conscience.
* The smallish gentleman on the left, lamentably, is not me. My mullet is much more majestic.
BACK FROM THE ABYSS WITH 18 HOLIDAY CHEESE LOGS IN TOW
Seriously, can one person really digest that much cheese? The fact that they're pecan-encrusted doesn't really help matters. In non-cheese-log-related news, I am running down the interesting stories and links those holiday troopers in my blogroll have picked up on, and am happy to report the following:
The Angry Bear found an interesting story concerning one of the justifications for the Iraq War that is ready to take the eternal plunge into the memory hole.
Andrew at the Burnt Orange Report clocks in with some analysis on how the ballooning national debt causing splinters within the Republican Party.
It may be 3 degrees out with a wind chill that would instantly numb your extremities, but that's not stopping Colorado Luis from continuing to write about sweet, nourishing beer.
Although I'm still withholding my king-making Presidential endorsement, Lambert over at Corrente does quite a job dissecting a Washington Post hit piece on Howard Dean.
Hesiod at Counterspin analyzes the most recent numbers concerning poverty and falling household income. All I know is... so long as I still get 4-5 credit card solicitations per day, I'll never eat Ramen again!
Adam at Fanatical Apathy weighs in with the beef industry's take on the Mad Cow controversy. I'll admit that I didn't properly freak out about this development over the holidays, as the Norbizness family had chicken gumbo.
Juan Cole at Informed Comment, as usual, is a great summarizer of news regarding the Middle East. He goes into Blair's premature ejaculation concerning the discovery of WMD.
More to come later...
Seriously, can one person really digest that much cheese? The fact that they're pecan-encrusted doesn't really help matters. In non-cheese-log-related news, I am running down the interesting stories and links those holiday troopers in my blogroll have picked up on, and am happy to report the following:
The Angry Bear found an interesting story concerning one of the justifications for the Iraq War that is ready to take the eternal plunge into the memory hole.
Andrew at the Burnt Orange Report clocks in with some analysis on how the ballooning national debt causing splinters within the Republican Party.
It may be 3 degrees out with a wind chill that would instantly numb your extremities, but that's not stopping Colorado Luis from continuing to write about sweet, nourishing beer.
Although I'm still withholding my king-making Presidential endorsement, Lambert over at Corrente does quite a job dissecting a Washington Post hit piece on Howard Dean.
Hesiod at Counterspin analyzes the most recent numbers concerning poverty and falling household income. All I know is... so long as I still get 4-5 credit card solicitations per day, I'll never eat Ramen again!
Adam at Fanatical Apathy weighs in with the beef industry's take on the Mad Cow controversy. I'll admit that I didn't properly freak out about this development over the holidays, as the Norbizness family had chicken gumbo.
Juan Cole at Informed Comment, as usual, is a great summarizer of news regarding the Middle East. He goes into Blair's premature ejaculation concerning the discovery of WMD.
More to come later...
22 December 2003
HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND SHIT
In the spirit of the season, let us all remember when Simpsons holiday specials were funny...
Skinner: The fifth grade will now favor us with a scene from Charles Dickens' Christmas Carol.
Homer: Ohhhh.... How many grades does this school have!
Barney: I got me a part-time job working as a Santa down at the mall.
Homer: Wow. Can I do that?
Barney: I dunno. They're pretty selective. [belch]
Manager: Do you like children?
Homer: What do you mean? All the time? Even when they're nuts?
Homer: Um... Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Nixon, Comet, Cupid.... Donna Dixon?
Bart: Aw come on, Dad. This could be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's going to happen to us!
Homer: Well, okay, let's go. Who's Tiny Tim?
In the spirit of the season, let us all remember when Simpsons holiday specials were funny...
Skinner: The fifth grade will now favor us with a scene from Charles Dickens' Christmas Carol.
Homer: Ohhhh.... How many grades does this school have!
Barney: I got me a part-time job working as a Santa down at the mall.
Homer: Wow. Can I do that?
Barney: I dunno. They're pretty selective. [belch]
Manager: Do you like children?
Homer: What do you mean? All the time? Even when they're nuts?
Homer: Um... Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Nixon, Comet, Cupid.... Donna Dixon?
Bart: Aw come on, Dad. This could be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's going to happen to us!
Homer: Well, okay, let's go. Who's Tiny Tim?
AT LONG LAST, NORBIZNESS, HAVE YOU NO NEW IDEAS?
Of course you can inspect for WMDs, but I must warn you that there is nothing of interest stored in my head-wear. Oh crap.
Who knew that Alan Derschowitz and Hubie Brown would be the first gay couple married in Canada?
AAAHHH!! What the fuck is that? Red! Change the alert to red! Oh, it’s the sun… never mind.
Hey! How’d you get in here? You’re not a Member of Parliament!
One of the less popular 2:30 a.m. infomercials.
Don’t worry, Ms. Lopez. The memory wipe will take care of Phantoms, Armageddon, Forces of Nature, Dogma, Bounce, Pearl Harbor, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Daredevil, and Gigli.
Huh huh. You said “Mounted”. Yeah! Yeah!
Go ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS, civilian! EVERYTHING is normal! The TIME you spend looking at ME and my GIGANTIC gun could BETTER be spent SHOPPING!
There can be… only one.
What is it about those gay German children that is piquing the interest of these white tiger cubs?
Of course you can inspect for WMDs, but I must warn you that there is nothing of interest stored in my head-wear. Oh crap.
Who knew that Alan Derschowitz and Hubie Brown would be the first gay couple married in Canada?
AAAHHH!! What the fuck is that? Red! Change the alert to red! Oh, it’s the sun… never mind.
Hey! How’d you get in here? You’re not a Member of Parliament!
One of the less popular 2:30 a.m. infomercials.
Don’t worry, Ms. Lopez. The memory wipe will take care of Phantoms, Armageddon, Forces of Nature, Dogma, Bounce, Pearl Harbor, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Daredevil, and Gigli.
Huh huh. You said “Mounted”. Yeah! Yeah!
Go ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS, civilian! EVERYTHING is normal! The TIME you spend looking at ME and my GIGANTIC gun could BETTER be spent SHOPPING!
There can be… only one.
What is it about those gay German children that is piquing the interest of these white tiger cubs?
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'VE BEEN TO VIETNAM, AFGHANISTAN, AND IRAQ, AND I CAN SAY WITHOUT HYPERBOLE THAT THIS IS A MILLION TIMES WORSE THAN ALL OF THEM PUT TOGETHER
OK, got a minimalist, almost Kraftwerkian version of the links back up. Extended descriptions have been axed, because I'm lazy and/or I don't want to play favorites.
If I've inadvertently left you off (you were on there before, you'd like to be on there and you think you can take advantage of my technological disorietntation, or you've gone and pre-emptively linked me to begin with), just drop a comment and I'll try to rectify the horrific injustice.
OK, got a minimalist, almost Kraftwerkian version of the links back up. Extended descriptions have been axed, because I'm lazy and/or I don't want to play favorites.
If I've inadvertently left you off (you were on there before, you'd like to be on there and you think you can take advantage of my technological disorietntation, or you've gone and pre-emptively linked me to begin with), just drop a comment and I'll try to rectify the horrific injustice.
PARDON OUR DUST
Looks like technology has gotten the better of me again, and I'll have to do the links and sidebar from the ground up. In the interim, something to ponder:
Those two guys in those ground-breaking Sonic documentary-style commercials. They tool around in a car, visiting other restaurants and offering not-so-constructive criticism. I mean, where the fuck do they get off doing that shit? What rank, stinking, noxious hypocrisy are these two mouthbreathing horse pleasurers trying to get away with? I tried a breakfast burrito at Sonic once, and ended up losing 15 pounds through gastrointestinal attrition! These are the people who can irretrievably foul up a Frito Pie!
Seriously, Sonic. I hate you. So very much.
Looks like technology has gotten the better of me again, and I'll have to do the links and sidebar from the ground up. In the interim, something to ponder:
Those two guys in those ground-breaking Sonic documentary-style commercials. They tool around in a car, visiting other restaurants and offering not-so-constructive criticism. I mean, where the fuck do they get off doing that shit? What rank, stinking, noxious hypocrisy are these two mouthbreathing horse pleasurers trying to get away with? I tried a breakfast burrito at Sonic once, and ended up losing 15 pounds through gastrointestinal attrition! These are the people who can irretrievably foul up a Frito Pie!
Seriously, Sonic. I hate you. So very much.
21 December 2003
LET'S PLAY 20 QUESTIONS: IS IT PROJECTION, OUTRIGHT LIES, OR IRONY?
The three primary moods of Tom DeLay: poisonous, maleficent, and whimsical
I was going to respond to the following quotes from the Littlest Exterminator's horrifying 18 minutes on Meet the Press this morning (the changing of the alert system from Lemon to Tangerine takes care of a few of them), but I thought it would more challenging for long-time coma patients:
The war on terror continues. Iraq, as the president has said, is a battle in that war on terror, and we're going to fight terrorists whether it be in Israel, or Iraq, or Syria, or Afghanistan, or anywhere in the Philippines
So, you know, we are winning this war on terror. We can nitpick it apart, looking for downsides or trying to smear the president, but we're winning this war on terror and the American people know it.
We've upset the al-Qaida networks to the point that they can't do anything right now.
Howard Dean just is an extreme extremist.
And we are bringing spending down and I think some of the conservatives need to really look at the record.
Tax cuts will lower the deficit and bring us to balance. That's how we balance the budget.
You know, the Democrats want to balance the budget by raising spending and raising taxes. The Soviet Union had a balanced budget.
MR. RUSSERT: "Cuckoo's Nest" was your expression, not mine, Congressman, just for the record. REP. DeLAY: That's right.
It's pretty harsh what the Democrats are saying. It's amazing to me the comments that you're hearing now coming from national politicians running for national office.
A sad state of affairs when James Carville is only the second nuttiest bastard on the program.
The three primary moods of Tom DeLay: poisonous, maleficent, and whimsical
I was going to respond to the following quotes from the Littlest Exterminator's horrifying 18 minutes on Meet the Press this morning (the changing of the alert system from Lemon to Tangerine takes care of a few of them), but I thought it would more challenging for long-time coma patients:
The war on terror continues. Iraq, as the president has said, is a battle in that war on terror, and we're going to fight terrorists whether it be in Israel, or Iraq, or Syria, or Afghanistan, or anywhere in the Philippines
So, you know, we are winning this war on terror. We can nitpick it apart, looking for downsides or trying to smear the president, but we're winning this war on terror and the American people know it.
We've upset the al-Qaida networks to the point that they can't do anything right now.
Howard Dean just is an extreme extremist.
And we are bringing spending down and I think some of the conservatives need to really look at the record.
Tax cuts will lower the deficit and bring us to balance. That's how we balance the budget.
You know, the Democrats want to balance the budget by raising spending and raising taxes. The Soviet Union had a balanced budget.
MR. RUSSERT: "Cuckoo's Nest" was your expression, not mine, Congressman, just for the record. REP. DeLAY: That's right.
It's pretty harsh what the Democrats are saying. It's amazing to me the comments that you're hearing now coming from national politicians running for national office.
A sad state of affairs when James Carville is only the second nuttiest bastard on the program.
20 December 2003
WEEKEND SPORTS EDITION
You want commentary and insight? Try reading a book, you ungrateful shut-in!
I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I’m not actually left-handed.
Damn you, Crazy Glue! You’re so crazy!
There’s gettin’ freaky, and then there’s gettin’ freaky Iceland-style.
I’m afraid that taking a dump on the field will, ordinarily, get you a red card.
Another skier roped in by the “triple-dog dare”.
This has been Alonzo Mourning for National “Don’t Stick Your Thumb In Your Right Eye” Week.
Did I already use that Crazy Glue joke?
Yeah, I’m pretty sure I did.
Ability to levitate: yet another reason he’s being paid $252 million over 10 years.
Guys, I found some shorts! Can I join your team now?
Tennessee and Georgia St. give a demonstration of what basketball on high-gravity Jupiter would look like.
You want commentary and insight? Try reading a book, you ungrateful shut-in!
I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I’m not actually left-handed.
Damn you, Crazy Glue! You’re so crazy!
There’s gettin’ freaky, and then there’s gettin’ freaky Iceland-style.
I’m afraid that taking a dump on the field will, ordinarily, get you a red card.
Another skier roped in by the “triple-dog dare”.
This has been Alonzo Mourning for National “Don’t Stick Your Thumb In Your Right Eye” Week.
Did I already use that Crazy Glue joke?
Yeah, I’m pretty sure I did.
Ability to levitate: yet another reason he’s being paid $252 million over 10 years.
Guys, I found some shorts! Can I join your team now?
Tennessee and Georgia St. give a demonstration of what basketball on high-gravity Jupiter would look like.
BARRELED FISH, MEET GUN:
SHORTER TOWN HALL (AND DAVID BROOKS) COLUMNS
(Of course, for the master of shorter editorials, see Mr. Busy, Busy, Busy)
David Brooks: Only 5 more shopping days till Christmas in the Hamptons! No time! I know, I'll just reprint RNC memos!
Neil Cavuto: Fuck Europe. Seriously.
David Limbuagh: Fuck the Clintons. Seriously.
Mike Adams: You want 500 words about conservative banshee action figures and McDonald's products, I'll give you 500 words about conservative banshee action figures and McDonald's products.
Debra Saunders: I am temporarily relinquishing my gig as Laura Branigan impersonator to dump on poor little Dennis Kucinich.
William F. Buckley: You're never too old to jump the shark on the senile, babbling motorcycle.
Marvin Olasky: Just remember, I'm the unhinged witch-burner that turned President Bush on to "compassionate conservatism".
SHORTER TOWN HALL (AND DAVID BROOKS) COLUMNS
(Of course, for the master of shorter editorials, see Mr. Busy, Busy, Busy)
David Brooks: Only 5 more shopping days till Christmas in the Hamptons! No time! I know, I'll just reprint RNC memos!
Neil Cavuto: Fuck Europe. Seriously.
David Limbuagh: Fuck the Clintons. Seriously.
Mike Adams: You want 500 words about conservative banshee action figures and McDonald's products, I'll give you 500 words about conservative banshee action figures and McDonald's products.
Debra Saunders: I am temporarily relinquishing my gig as Laura Branigan impersonator to dump on poor little Dennis Kucinich.
William F. Buckley: You're never too old to jump the shark on the senile, babbling motorcycle.
Marvin Olasky: Just remember, I'm the unhinged witch-burner that turned President Bush on to "compassionate conservatism".
18 December 2003
BIG JIM'S HOUSE OF JERKY PRESENTS HALF-ASSED CAPTIONEERING
I love this job. I get $14,000 for adjusting my batting gloves.
I think the Patriots injury situation has just gone from bad to ridiculous.
You mean I'm supposed to have a medical condition? How about Acute Double-Meat Whataburger Deficiency Syndrome?
Deck the halls with boughs of…. Dammit! Sing, you ingrates! SING!
60 Second Reviews with Pope John Paul concludes with a very un-Christian-like savaging of the new Jessica Alba vehicle Honey.
Nursing home’s... out... for.... EVER!
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do…
Nearly $1 billion in international box office for the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and Peter Jackson still can’t afford furniture or shoes. You need a new agent, Peter.
I love this job. I get $14,000 for adjusting my batting gloves.
I think the Patriots injury situation has just gone from bad to ridiculous.
You mean I'm supposed to have a medical condition? How about Acute Double-Meat Whataburger Deficiency Syndrome?
Deck the halls with boughs of…. Dammit! Sing, you ingrates! SING!
60 Second Reviews with Pope John Paul concludes with a very un-Christian-like savaging of the new Jessica Alba vehicle Honey.
Nursing home’s... out... for.... EVER!
Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do…
Nearly $1 billion in international box office for the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and Peter Jackson still can’t afford furniture or shoes. You need a new agent, Peter.
IT'S NOT SO HARD WHEN YOU BREAK IT DOWN SCIENTIFICALLY
Screw you guys... I'm goin' home!
Shorter foreign policy: We are diverting some linguists and analysts from the WMD snipe hunt that we originally diverted from trying to track down al-Qaeda and Taliban in Southeastern Afghanistan to help battle people that by all rights should have been throwing garlands of flowers at us.
Shorter shorter foreign policy: "So what's the difference?"
Screw you guys... I'm goin' home!
Shorter foreign policy: We are diverting some linguists and analysts from the WMD snipe hunt that we originally diverted from trying to track down al-Qaeda and Taliban in Southeastern Afghanistan to help battle people that by all rights should have been throwing garlands of flowers at us.
Shorter shorter foreign policy: "So what's the difference?"
NEWS FLASH: CONSTITUTION MAY BE APPLICABLE TO AMERICAN CITIZEN
Padilla v. Rumfseld, 2nd Circuit Court of Appeals. Holding: an American citizen detained outside of a zone of combat cannot be held as a rights-less "enemy detainee" unless Congress makes that designation. The President cannot detain American citizens by fiat.
But... he's a bomber! A dirty bomber!
In a great day for partial bipartisanship, two of the judges on the three judge panel were appointed by Bush the Younger (one joined in the decision, one partially concurred and partially dissented).
-------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE: Unwilling to get upstaged, the 9th Circuit decided to consider a question already before the Supreme Court, in ruling that non-citizen enemy detainees in Guantanamo should have access to the courts (full text of the opinion in Gherebi v. Bush). More on this later, possibly.
Padilla v. Rumfseld, 2nd Circuit Court of Appeals. Holding: an American citizen detained outside of a zone of combat cannot be held as a rights-less "enemy detainee" unless Congress makes that designation. The President cannot detain American citizens by fiat.
But... he's a bomber! A dirty bomber!
In a great day for partial bipartisanship, two of the judges on the three judge panel were appointed by Bush the Younger (one joined in the decision, one partially concurred and partially dissented).
-------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE: Unwilling to get upstaged, the 9th Circuit decided to consider a question already before the Supreme Court, in ruling that non-citizen enemy detainees in Guantanamo should have access to the courts (full text of the opinion in Gherebi v. Bush). More on this later, possibly.
THAT WAS THEN, THIS IS NOW. LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE MIGHT HAVE TO CALL A REPO MAN. WE ARE MOVING TOWARDS DEFICITS IN MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE. THERE IS VERY LITTLE WISDOM IN THE MEN AT WORK ON OUR FISCAL WOES.
Preach on, Brother Emilio!
President Bush, March 2001: "Even if the slowdown were to turn into a recession similar to that of 1990 and '91, the Congressional Budget Office projects that the 10-year surplus would shrink by only 2 percent, from a little more than $5.6 trillion to a little less than $5.5 trillion." and also here: "We can also pay down debt. I know a lot of folks around America are worried about national debt, as am I. We pay down $2 trillion of debt over the next 10 years."
Yesterday (thanks to the Slacktivist): Looks like we can return to $250 billion annual deficits by 2009, if the following things occur (1) we achieve hundreds of billions of dollars in savings, (2) no new tax cuts are implemented, (3) spending growth remains at the rate of inflation, (4) the recent Medicare drug expenses are not counted, (5) we implement either the Logan's Run or Solyent Green plan for future Medicare and Social Security costs.
Can somebody say "up shit creek with a turd for a paddle"?
Preach on, Brother Emilio!
President Bush, March 2001: "Even if the slowdown were to turn into a recession similar to that of 1990 and '91, the Congressional Budget Office projects that the 10-year surplus would shrink by only 2 percent, from a little more than $5.6 trillion to a little less than $5.5 trillion." and also here: "We can also pay down debt. I know a lot of folks around America are worried about national debt, as am I. We pay down $2 trillion of debt over the next 10 years."
Yesterday (thanks to the Slacktivist): Looks like we can return to $250 billion annual deficits by 2009, if the following things occur (1) we achieve hundreds of billions of dollars in savings, (2) no new tax cuts are implemented, (3) spending growth remains at the rate of inflation, (4) the recent Medicare drug expenses are not counted, (5) we implement either the Logan's Run or Solyent Green plan for future Medicare and Social Security costs.
Can somebody say "up shit creek with a turd for a paddle"?
17 December 2003
THE INDEPENDENT COMMISSION 110-METER HURDLES
1. May 2002: Chorus of voices grows for independent 9/11 commission. White House not so happy. "Vice President Dick Cheney has said he would 'actively' discourage creation of an independent panel."
2. September 2002: President Bush reverses course, decides to back Commission.
3. December 2002: Three months later, Bush attempts to appoint highly conflicted war criminal Henry Kissinger to chair the commission (Kissinger & Associates does lobbying work for Saudi Arabia). Kissinger resigns rather than give up his business. Bush appoints Thomas Kean, former Republican governor of New Jersey.
4. March 2003: Since the commission was allotted only $4 million, it's about to run out of money. Asks for another $11 million, bringing its total to one-fourth of the cost of the Whitewater investigation.
5. July 2003: John McCain, who was instrumental in setting up the commission, complains that many government agencies are stonewalling and not producing documents. Complaints later echoed by members of both parties on the commission. Congressional report released with the blacked-out pages.
6. November 2003: After already having to subpoena the FAA, the Commission, frustrated by a lack of cooperation, issues another round for the Pentagon.
7. December 17, 2003: Chairman Kean claims that his research shows that "9/11 was preventable", and claims that the commission still has "more questions than answers".
8. As of right now: Still nobody fired from the Pentagon, the FAA, the Transportation Department, the FBI, or the CIA. Families still trying to find out the truth. More wrangling over executive privilege and "national security". You're goddamned right I'm pissed.
1. May 2002: Chorus of voices grows for independent 9/11 commission. White House not so happy. "Vice President Dick Cheney has said he would 'actively' discourage creation of an independent panel."
2. September 2002: President Bush reverses course, decides to back Commission.
3. December 2002: Three months later, Bush attempts to appoint highly conflicted war criminal Henry Kissinger to chair the commission (Kissinger & Associates does lobbying work for Saudi Arabia). Kissinger resigns rather than give up his business. Bush appoints Thomas Kean, former Republican governor of New Jersey.
4. March 2003: Since the commission was allotted only $4 million, it's about to run out of money. Asks for another $11 million, bringing its total to one-fourth of the cost of the Whitewater investigation.
5. July 2003: John McCain, who was instrumental in setting up the commission, complains that many government agencies are stonewalling and not producing documents. Complaints later echoed by members of both parties on the commission. Congressional report released with the blacked-out pages.
6. November 2003: After already having to subpoena the FAA, the Commission, frustrated by a lack of cooperation, issues another round for the Pentagon.
7. December 17, 2003: Chairman Kean claims that his research shows that "9/11 was preventable", and claims that the commission still has "more questions than answers".
8. As of right now: Still nobody fired from the Pentagon, the FAA, the Transportation Department, the FBI, or the CIA. Families still trying to find out the truth. More wrangling over executive privilege and "national security". You're goddamned right I'm pissed.
DAMN YOU, MARK HARMON, YOU SEXY BASTARD!
Hmmm... President Harmon... I could get used to that!
Incredibly handsome refugee from the mid-80s Mark Harmon and his 'Navy NCIS' television series (9.3 rating /14 share) beat out President Bush's interview on ABC (8.6 rating/13 share). AND he's playing the President in the indispensable, future Oscar-winning Hilary Duff vehicle "Chasing Liberty". We must all band together to deny the usurper!
I personally blame overly-gauzed television news harpy Diane Sawyer for this sad state of affairs. How can the President appear to be Presidential when answering twice-baked dreck-ridden queries like this?
(1) At that moment (learn of the capture), what happened inside you?
(2) But did you have a moment just father to son after 12 years in which Saddam Hussein had called you "the son of the viper"?
(3) I guess for the family, how — maybe the question they would ask is, How much do you suffer with each death?
(4) Once again, through that door this morning, presumably, you received the threat matrix which you get every morning. (follow up: Did you know ABC has a show called 'Threat Matrix'? It's fascistastic!)
(5) I guess — did you pray to God for the capture of Saddam Hussein?
(6) What would it take to convince you he didn't have weapons of mass destruction?
(7) Are you beatable?
(8) Are they sinners? Are gays sinners?
To be honest, the answers aren't much better. Just geting the American electorate ready for 8 years of the Summer School ticket, where Mark Harmon teams up with Dean "Chainsaw" Cameron.
Hmmm... President Harmon... I could get used to that!
Incredibly handsome refugee from the mid-80s Mark Harmon and his 'Navy NCIS' television series (9.3 rating /14 share) beat out President Bush's interview on ABC (8.6 rating/13 share). AND he's playing the President in the indispensable, future Oscar-winning Hilary Duff vehicle "Chasing Liberty". We must all band together to deny the usurper!
I personally blame overly-gauzed television news harpy Diane Sawyer for this sad state of affairs. How can the President appear to be Presidential when answering twice-baked dreck-ridden queries like this?
(1) At that moment (learn of the capture), what happened inside you?
(2) But did you have a moment just father to son after 12 years in which Saddam Hussein had called you "the son of the viper"?
(3) I guess for the family, how — maybe the question they would ask is, How much do you suffer with each death?
(4) Once again, through that door this morning, presumably, you received the threat matrix which you get every morning. (follow up: Did you know ABC has a show called 'Threat Matrix'? It's fascistastic!)
(5) I guess — did you pray to God for the capture of Saddam Hussein?
(6) What would it take to convince you he didn't have weapons of mass destruction?
(7) Are you beatable?
(8) Are they sinners? Are gays sinners?
To be honest, the answers aren't much better. Just geting the American electorate ready for 8 years of the Summer School ticket, where Mark Harmon teams up with Dean "Chainsaw" Cameron.
IF YOU REALLY EXIST, PLEASE DISENFRANCHISE YOURSELVES IMMEDIATELY
'Security Moms'? Thanks for making me vomit up my yogurt shake! 'NASCAR Dads'? There goes the orange juice! 'Young digerati'? And yesterday's tamale plate! Oh, that tastes terrible!
Let's focus on security moms for a moment. Obviously, this is a Rosie-the-Riveter equivalent of a soccer mom; i.e. some suburbanite who worries incessantly about the imperiling of her children by long-range balsa wood drones dropping Ziploc bags full of botulism all over the Little League field. In my day, of course, the standardized insane parental warning had to do with local freakniks putting LSD in the childrens' scratch-and-sniff stickers.... which may have been more plausible.
However, I don't want to get caught up in meaningless demographic labels pioneered and hawked by morning talk-show hosts. When you have only two choices in what they tell you is an important election, it's easy to make up binary trends.
'Security Moms'? Thanks for making me vomit up my yogurt shake! 'NASCAR Dads'? There goes the orange juice! 'Young digerati'? And yesterday's tamale plate! Oh, that tastes terrible!
Let's focus on security moms for a moment. Obviously, this is a Rosie-the-Riveter equivalent of a soccer mom; i.e. some suburbanite who worries incessantly about the imperiling of her children by long-range balsa wood drones dropping Ziploc bags full of botulism all over the Little League field. In my day, of course, the standardized insane parental warning had to do with local freakniks putting LSD in the childrens' scratch-and-sniff stickers.... which may have been more plausible.
However, I don't want to get caught up in meaningless demographic labels pioneered and hawked by morning talk-show hosts. When you have only two choices in what they tell you is an important election, it's easy to make up binary trends.
16 December 2003
AND NOW, YOUR POOR, UNFORTUNATE WINNERS
A rousing success of a caption contest all around!
Picture #1:
"If you grab right here, you'll be able to hit that high note." Kudos to Teresa, who took the direct approach! Don't blame me if your ears start bleeding.
Picture #2:
"Place the reconstruction contracts on the ground and slowly back away, Mr. Cheney." The crappy leftover CD goes to Pete, with bonus points for being a new father and advertising this crap at significant disadvantage to his reputation.
A rousing success of a caption contest all around!
Picture #1:
"If you grab right here, you'll be able to hit that high note." Kudos to Teresa, who took the direct approach! Don't blame me if your ears start bleeding.
Picture #2:
"Place the reconstruction contracts on the ground and slowly back away, Mr. Cheney." The crappy leftover CD goes to Pete, with bonus points for being a new father and advertising this crap at significant disadvantage to his reputation.
ADVENTURES IN OBJECTIMIFIED DRUDGALICIOUS REPORTAGE
This, of course, is the picture headlining the Drudge Report's banner headline "Bush: Saddam Deserves 'Ultimate Penalty'." What steely resolve! The link goes to the hard-hitting interview Diane Sawyer will conduct with the leader of the free world; the picture is from yesterday's press conference.
This, of course, is noted vampiritic child-sacrificing creepy-ass motherfucker Wesley Clark, whose Drudge-linked article goes to a one-sentence blurb in the New York Post concerning a fund-raiser Madonna will throw for the General. However, the picture went with a Yahoo! news article concerning the second-day of his blacked-out-by-the-State-Department testimony in an international war crime tribunal against Slobodan Milosevic.
Can you count the number of mind-bending paradoxes in the (a) captioning of (b) presentation of (c) activities underlying the two photos?
This, of course, is the picture headlining the Drudge Report's banner headline "Bush: Saddam Deserves 'Ultimate Penalty'." What steely resolve! The link goes to the hard-hitting interview Diane Sawyer will conduct with the leader of the free world; the picture is from yesterday's press conference.
This, of course, is noted vampiritic child-sacrificing creepy-ass motherfucker Wesley Clark, whose Drudge-linked article goes to a one-sentence blurb in the New York Post concerning a fund-raiser Madonna will throw for the General. However, the picture went with a Yahoo! news article concerning the second-day of his blacked-out-by-the-State-Department testimony in an international war crime tribunal against Slobodan Milosevic.
Can you count the number of mind-bending paradoxes in the (a) captioning of (b) presentation of (c) activities underlying the two photos?
IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA AGAIN
"He's a 71-year-old man and I'm wearing my orange vest and credentials. I said, 'He's a retiree and I'm trying to help him get to his bus.' We each had three or four guns on us telling us to get down, facedown in the dirt. Ben didn't get down fast enough and he got a knee in his back."
"These were old Marxists, bussed-in union members and disaffected former hippies who turn out any time they can relive their childhoods from the 60s or the 30s or whatever."
"He's a 71-year-old man and I'm wearing my orange vest and credentials. I said, 'He's a retiree and I'm trying to help him get to his bus.' We each had three or four guns on us telling us to get down, facedown in the dirt. Ben didn't get down fast enough and he got a knee in his back."
"These were old Marxists, bussed-in union members and disaffected former hippies who turn out any time they can relive their childhoods from the 60s or the 30s or whatever."
15 December 2003
A FRIENDLY REMINDER FOR YOU CHUCKLEHEADS
The "Win A Shitty And Possibly Dinged-Up CD" Caption Contest will be over in 21 hours (5:30 p.m. CST 12/16/03)!
Currently, there are some favorites, but nothing insurmountable. Come on. Don't you want a 1% chance of winning a Happy Mondays' Pills, Thrills & Bellyaches, a Manchesterian (ed: I've been told the proper term is "Mancunian" or "shoegazing") musical masterpiece so malignant that it's been categorically rejected by every used-CD store in the Greater Austin metropolitan area? A&M Records' indispensable Supertramp compilation? One of the twenty-eight separate but indistinguishable albums Neil Young put out in the 1990s?
And, if you want another garbage/borderline insulting pantload of a gift, be sure to enter The Grammar Police's caption contest.... and have yourself a merry little Winter Solstice.
The "Win A Shitty And Possibly Dinged-Up CD" Caption Contest will be over in 21 hours (5:30 p.m. CST 12/16/03)!
Currently, there are some favorites, but nothing insurmountable. Come on. Don't you want a 1% chance of winning a Happy Mondays' Pills, Thrills & Bellyaches, a Manchesterian (ed: I've been told the proper term is "Mancunian" or "shoegazing") musical masterpiece so malignant that it's been categorically rejected by every used-CD store in the Greater Austin metropolitan area? A&M Records' indispensable Supertramp compilation? One of the twenty-eight separate but indistinguishable albums Neil Young put out in the 1990s?
And, if you want another garbage/borderline insulting pantload of a gift, be sure to enter The Grammar Police's caption contest.... and have yourself a merry little Winter Solstice.
.
GOD-DAMN, THAT WAS A MEAT-GRINDER OF A PRESS CONFERENCE
Let's play "spot the questions Norbizness planted to ridicule the press corps"! Transcript here for cheaters.
(1) You say this is not personal, but you've also pointed out this was a man who tried to murder your father. What is your greeting to him?
(2) Mr. President, stop me if you've heard this one: "Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried." Sir, one follow-up, please: "Going to war without the French is like going deer hunting without your accordion." I'm done.
(3) Until recently, a growing number of Americans and a couple of presidential candidates were saying it might be time to think about getting out of Iraq. I know you said that you intend to stay the course, but I wonder what your view is of such sentiments, how concerned you are about that view among the public, and whether or not you think Saddam's capture should change people's thinking?
(4) Sir, that's about the fifteenth time you've brought up September 11th during the conference. Is it safe to say that September 11th taught you some valuable lessons... primarily, that you should always immediately bring up September 11th right up front when a difficult question is asked? (chloroformed.... inaudible)
(5) I know you said there will be a time for politics. But you've also said you wanted to change the tone in Washington. Howard Dean recently seemed to muse aloud whether you had advance knowledge of 9/11. Do you agree or disagree with the RNC that this kind of rhetoric borders on political hate speech?
(6) Mr. President, we all realize that the White House is a "gloat-free" zone. However, in light of this obviously positive development for the Administration, do you think that anyone who ever had any doubts about the initiation or prosecution of the war should ever get a single solitary vote to be President?
(7) Mr. President, you said earlier this morning that in a trial that all of Saddam's atrocities be brought up. He was in power more than 30 years, that probably would make for a long rap sheet. Do you believe that the invasion of Kuwait in 1990 should be included, as well as his assassination attempt against former President Bush?
(8) And I have to ask you since we're here, sir, have you chatted with your Dad since Saddam was captured?
GOD-DAMN, THAT WAS A MEAT-GRINDER OF A PRESS CONFERENCE
Let's play "spot the questions Norbizness planted to ridicule the press corps"! Transcript here for cheaters.
(1) You say this is not personal, but you've also pointed out this was a man who tried to murder your father. What is your greeting to him?
(2) Mr. President, stop me if you've heard this one: "Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried." Sir, one follow-up, please: "Going to war without the French is like going deer hunting without your accordion." I'm done.
(3) Until recently, a growing number of Americans and a couple of presidential candidates were saying it might be time to think about getting out of Iraq. I know you said that you intend to stay the course, but I wonder what your view is of such sentiments, how concerned you are about that view among the public, and whether or not you think Saddam's capture should change people's thinking?
(4) Sir, that's about the fifteenth time you've brought up September 11th during the conference. Is it safe to say that September 11th taught you some valuable lessons... primarily, that you should always immediately bring up September 11th right up front when a difficult question is asked? (chloroformed.... inaudible)
(5) I know you said there will be a time for politics. But you've also said you wanted to change the tone in Washington. Howard Dean recently seemed to muse aloud whether you had advance knowledge of 9/11. Do you agree or disagree with the RNC that this kind of rhetoric borders on political hate speech?
(6) Mr. President, we all realize that the White House is a "gloat-free" zone. However, in light of this obviously positive development for the Administration, do you think that anyone who ever had any doubts about the initiation or prosecution of the war should ever get a single solitary vote to be President?
(7) Mr. President, you said earlier this morning that in a trial that all of Saddam's atrocities be brought up. He was in power more than 30 years, that probably would make for a long rap sheet. Do you believe that the invasion of Kuwait in 1990 should be included, as well as his assassination attempt against former President Bush?
(8) And I have to ask you since we're here, sir, have you chatted with your Dad since Saddam was captured?
.
THE FAMILY CIRCUSIZATION OF THE WESTERN WEBLOG
Alright, who dug up the garden?
Who took a dump in the kitchen sink?
Who shaved an anarchy symbol into Barfy's back fur?
Who is a dull, sad parody of itself?
Who is pointing out the compact irony of my consecutive posts concerning the politicization of the War in Iraq and the effect of Saddam's capture on the Presidential race in 2004?
Who is responsible for anti-americanism, obligatory secularism, paternalism toward minorities?
Who introduced coarseness and scatalogy into otherwise pristine internet debates?
Who has devolved into hatred for confident, wealthy, white, heterosexual men?
Who is killing rational engagement with sophomoric kvetching?
Not Me... er... I mean... The Left!
THE FAMILY CIRCUSIZATION OF THE WESTERN WEBLOG
Alright, who dug up the garden?
Who took a dump in the kitchen sink?
Who shaved an anarchy symbol into Barfy's back fur?
Who is a dull, sad parody of itself?
Who is pointing out the compact irony of my consecutive posts concerning the politicization of the War in Iraq and the effect of Saddam's capture on the Presidential race in 2004?
Who is responsible for anti-americanism, obligatory secularism, paternalism toward minorities?
Who introduced coarseness and scatalogy into otherwise pristine internet debates?
Who has devolved into hatred for confident, wealthy, white, heterosexual men?
Who is killing rational engagement with sophomoric kvetching?
Not Me... er... I mean... The Left! 14 December 2003
MORAL CLARITY CHRISTMAS THANK-YOU CARDS by HALLMARK (tm)
Dear United States:
Thanks for the $500 million in aid last year. I plan on using it to buy some nice clothes and school supplies, and not to buy giant vats to assist in the boiling of my political opponents or electric shock devices or batons.
It was nice to visit with your Agriculture Secretary last month, and we like that she singled us out for recognition in the War on Non-Boiling Terror and the War in Iraq. We also appreciate your assistance in removing troublesome limey ambassadors [Ed: read that last link in its entirety] who would slander and defame our stridently anti-democratic little slice of heaven.
I know you liked our precious gift of airbases last year, so we're re-gifting it... until the operations in Afghanistan are over, then feel free to get the rock out of our country. You might think that harsh, but keep in mind that we have a lot of former Soviet Union bioweapons labs.
Your Coalition of the Willing Christmas Buddy,
Uzbekistan
Dear United States:
Thanks for the $500 million in aid last year. I plan on using it to buy some nice clothes and school supplies, and not to buy giant vats to assist in the boiling of my political opponents or electric shock devices or batons.
It was nice to visit with your Agriculture Secretary last month, and we like that she singled us out for recognition in the War on Non-Boiling Terror and the War in Iraq. We also appreciate your assistance in removing troublesome limey ambassadors [Ed: read that last link in its entirety] who would slander and defame our stridently anti-democratic little slice of heaven.
I know you liked our precious gift of airbases last year, so we're re-gifting it... until the operations in Afghanistan are over, then feel free to get the rock out of our country. You might think that harsh, but keep in mind that we have a lot of former Soviet Union bioweapons labs.
Your Coalition of the Willing Christmas Buddy,
Uzbekistan
.
FUCK IT, I'M OFF THE UNCAVEATED JUBILATION RESERVATION
Let's see if I can tie any of these items together with reasonable coherence (Vegas odds: 5 to 1 against):
(1) With respect to Guantanamo detainees, "[International Red Cross] officials are the only outsiders who have been able to talk to the detainees. In an unusual statement in October, the ICRC said the long incarceration, with repetitive interrogations, no charges and no outside contact has caused a 'worrying deterioration' among the detainees."
(2) Jose Padilla and Yaser Esam Hamdi. Near-blackout for going on two years.
(3) Saddam Hussein, desposed tyrant from a country called "the central front in the War on Terror" by the Vice-President (a sentiment echoed by the President in the last paragraph of his speech today), key to discovering the whereabouts of the still-elusive weapons of mass destruction, possible linchpin in the coordination and financing of some of the insurgency attacks against the troops... gets the details of his initial interrogations immediately published by Time Magazine.
Perhaps I am insufficiently immune to rifts in the logic continuum. Anyone want to take a shot?
----------------------------------------------
UPDATE: Part of the reason I posted this is because of the mantra of "national security" that justifies secrecy in the war on terror. Is immediately publicizing the results of his interrogation a tacit admission that public relations trumps national security, or that such considerations aren't really in play?
UPDATE 2: And, of course, he will get POW protections, unlike 15-year-old Afghan farmboys that got sold to the Coalition by warlords.
FUCK IT, I'M OFF THE UNCAVEATED JUBILATION RESERVATION
Let's see if I can tie any of these items together with reasonable coherence (Vegas odds: 5 to 1 against):
(1) With respect to Guantanamo detainees, "[International Red Cross] officials are the only outsiders who have been able to talk to the detainees. In an unusual statement in October, the ICRC said the long incarceration, with repetitive interrogations, no charges and no outside contact has caused a 'worrying deterioration' among the detainees."
(2) Jose Padilla and Yaser Esam Hamdi. Near-blackout for going on two years.
(3) Saddam Hussein, desposed tyrant from a country called "the central front in the War on Terror" by the Vice-President (a sentiment echoed by the President in the last paragraph of his speech today), key to discovering the whereabouts of the still-elusive weapons of mass destruction, possible linchpin in the coordination and financing of some of the insurgency attacks against the troops... gets the details of his initial interrogations immediately published by Time Magazine.
Perhaps I am insufficiently immune to rifts in the logic continuum. Anyone want to take a shot?
----------------------------------------------
UPDATE: Part of the reason I posted this is because of the mantra of "national security" that justifies secrecy in the war on terror. Is immediately publicizing the results of his interrogation a tacit admission that public relations trumps national security, or that such considerations aren't really in play?
UPDATE 2: And, of course, he will get POW protections, unlike 15-year-old Afghan farmboys that got sold to the Coalition by warlords.
.
WOLVERINES!
You can't stop Operation: Red Dawn, my fine despotic friend.
Stay tuned! I will outdo all of the television pundits and predict with stunning accuracy exactly how this is going to affect the ongoing reconstruction of Iraq, the planning and coordination of insurgent attacks upon Coalition troops and international aid projects, the race for the Presidency in 2004, the stock market, and the Bowl Championship Series. I will also give you a eerily prescient preview of the Iraqi war crimes tribunal that will mete out justice.
Sorry, I think I was just contaminated by network news. If you're on TV, you must be an expert.
WOLVERINES!
You can't stop Operation: Red Dawn, my fine despotic friend.
Stay tuned! I will outdo all of the television pundits and predict with stunning accuracy exactly how this is going to affect the ongoing reconstruction of Iraq, the planning and coordination of insurgent attacks upon Coalition troops and international aid projects, the race for the Presidency in 2004, the stock market, and the Bowl Championship Series. I will also give you a eerily prescient preview of the Iraqi war crimes tribunal that will mete out justice.
Sorry, I think I was just contaminated by network news. If you're on TV, you must be an expert.
12 December 2003
CAPTION CONTEST! WITH ACTUAL PRIZES!
Ground rules: Two pictures; one political, one non-political. Maximum entry in the comments is one caption per picture per person. Winner announced in 96 hours (5:30 p.m., Tuesday, December 16, 2003).
Prize: One compact disc (for each of the two winners, or two to one winner) to be maliciously chosen amongst the approximately 100 I was going to donate to Goodwill anyway, mailed to you with the utmost care so that you may enjoy it in time for the holidays (although there are no holiday-themed CDs).
Get to it! Bonus points if you run a web site and publicize it!
--------------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE: I know I have precious few international readers, so at the risk of creating an incident, I'm afraid that the mailing offer only extends to people I can send the CD to for under $2.
Damn, those top two guys are tools!
Ground rules: Two pictures; one political, one non-political. Maximum entry in the comments is one caption per picture per person. Winner announced in 96 hours (5:30 p.m., Tuesday, December 16, 2003).
Prize: One compact disc (for each of the two winners, or two to one winner) to be maliciously chosen amongst the approximately 100 I was going to donate to Goodwill anyway, mailed to you with the utmost care so that you may enjoy it in time for the holidays (although there are no holiday-themed CDs).
Get to it! Bonus points if you run a web site and publicize it!
--------------------------------------------------------------
UPDATE: I know I have precious few international readers, so at the risk of creating an incident, I'm afraid that the mailing offer only extends to people I can send the CD to for under $2.
Damn, those top two guys are tools!
.
THE POLICE ACADEMY 4 OF WEBLOGS
According to the Blog Review, the Harvard/M.I.T. of unbiased weblog critique, I rate:
"1 out of 5 stars. I found nothing here that could keep my interest. I really tried.
The Trash Man's Recommendation: A nice lobotomy would be preferable to this."
Since the customer is always right, I hope, at some future date, to re-submit this site after much-needed improvements are made. I've got a few in mind: more frequent calls for the death of anti-war protestors, trademarking and copyrighting my own inane blather, comparing the Medicare drug benefit to Russian pogroms and/or Nazi death camps, developing an arcane military ranking system for commenters and contributors, and, of course, detailed posts about Italian ammunition and soldier-of-fortune opportunities in the former Belgian Congo.
Any other reactionary makeover suggestions? Post it in the comments, comrades!
-----------------------------------------------
UPDATE: C'mon, there's really no point in trying to convince the owners of that august, longstanding website to change their rating, although I do appreciate the effort. I need actual suggestions to make this craphole more palatable to the reactionary masses!
THE POLICE ACADEMY 4 OF WEBLOGS
According to the Blog Review, the Harvard/M.I.T. of unbiased weblog critique, I rate:
"1 out of 5 stars. I found nothing here that could keep my interest. I really tried.
The Trash Man's Recommendation: A nice lobotomy would be preferable to this."
Since the customer is always right, I hope, at some future date, to re-submit this site after much-needed improvements are made. I've got a few in mind: more frequent calls for the death of anti-war protestors, trademarking and copyrighting my own inane blather, comparing the Medicare drug benefit to Russian pogroms and/or Nazi death camps, developing an arcane military ranking system for commenters and contributors, and, of course, detailed posts about Italian ammunition and soldier-of-fortune opportunities in the former Belgian Congo.
Any other reactionary makeover suggestions? Post it in the comments, comrades!
-----------------------------------------------
UPDATE: C'mon, there's really no point in trying to convince the owners of that august, longstanding website to change their rating, although I do appreciate the effort. I need actual suggestions to make this craphole more palatable to the reactionary masses!
11 December 2003
SHUT YOUR FILTHY YANKEE TRAPS, OR WE'LL NO-HIT YOU NEXT TIME WITH 21 DIFFERENT PITCHERS, INCLUDING 3 BALL BOYS, 58-YEAR-OLD NOLAN RYAN, THE MASCOT, AND THE LEUKEMIA SURVIVOR WHO THREW OUT THE FIRST PITCH
Finally! I'll never have to bring the owner his lunch calzone ever again!
Finally! I'll never have to bring the owner his lunch calzone ever again!
.
FOR SOME REASON, THIS REMINDS ME OF HOMER SIMPSON'S CONTINUING, BAFFLING DESECRATION OF THE STONECUTTERS' SACRED PARCHMENT.
April 2003: Disabled protestors arrested outside Governor's office.
October 2003: After all the special sessions (on redistricting) were completed, the Department of Human Services went about the business of implementing the reduced Medicaid budget (see page 11 and 16). Adult Medicaid recipients (including the disabled) lose all sorts of services, including community and long-term care.
December 2003: Governor Perry parks in a handicapped spot in order to fulfill the important state business of filing paperwork to put George Bush on the Republican primary ticket.
No... wait... now I'm being reminded of a Seinfeld episode involving a handicapped spot.
FOR SOME REASON, THIS REMINDS ME OF HOMER SIMPSON'S CONTINUING, BAFFLING DESECRATION OF THE STONECUTTERS' SACRED PARCHMENT.
April 2003: Disabled protestors arrested outside Governor's office.
October 2003: After all the special sessions (on redistricting) were completed, the Department of Human Services went about the business of implementing the reduced Medicaid budget (see page 11 and 16). Adult Medicaid recipients (including the disabled) lose all sorts of services, including community and long-term care.
December 2003: Governor Perry parks in a handicapped spot in order to fulfill the important state business of filing paperwork to put George Bush on the Republican primary ticket.
No... wait... now I'm being reminded of a Seinfeld episode involving a handicapped spot.
.
32 SHORT POSTS ABOUT SCHLUMBERGER OILFIELD SERVICES, L.L.C.
I never thought that America's fairness to gigantic multinational conglomerates in securing Iraqi reconstruction contracts would be such a hot topic... but I guess I should never misunderestimate the ability of the current Administration to mistime and confuse its policy directives to the delight of the blogging community.
(1) The Agitator weighs in with the libertarian / free-trade criticism of the policy.
(2) The Angry Bear ties this story in with the developing stories about Halliburton's monopoly premiums on the transport of gas. Remember this wasting of taxpayer money, of course, when considering Congress' decision to not extend unemployment benefits for the 2-million-plus people who have been unemployed for more than 26 weeks.
(3) Calpundit was the first one I saw to notice the sheer chutzpah [sp?] in asking the countries we're slighting to go ahead and start thinking about considering about maybe possibly forgiving some of that debt....? [since I check these blogs in alphabetical order, it would be unfair to neglect mentioning Cogicophony, Democratic Veteran, Grammar Police (Best Post Title in the Series), Pandagon, and TBogg]
(4) Fanatical Apathy weighs in with a long, complicated, and strangely humorless post. Or is it?
(5) The Left Coaster asks the question about this conundrum (violation of international trade laws, further deterioration of diplomacy) that I ask about every cock-up that occurs in this Administration: when is somebody going to get shit-canned for screwing up?
(6) Outside the Beltway, after getting in a dig at the New York Times, notices the creeping connection between this issue and the steel tarriff 180 a few weeks ago.
(7) Talking Points Memo, master of inside information, gets hold of the actual Wolfowitz memo detailing the silly policy.
(8) And, to close it out, a dispatch from the Whiskey Bar (with an unbelievable/possibly doctored picture of Wolfowitz) that proves that making an Administration official talk like Gollum is always a winner with the geek contingent.
32 SHORT POSTS ABOUT SCHLUMBERGER OILFIELD SERVICES, L.L.C.
I never thought that America's fairness to gigantic multinational conglomerates in securing Iraqi reconstruction contracts would be such a hot topic... but I guess I should never misunderestimate the ability of the current Administration to mistime and confuse its policy directives to the delight of the blogging community.
(1) The Agitator weighs in with the libertarian / free-trade criticism of the policy.
(2) The Angry Bear ties this story in with the developing stories about Halliburton's monopoly premiums on the transport of gas. Remember this wasting of taxpayer money, of course, when considering Congress' decision to not extend unemployment benefits for the 2-million-plus people who have been unemployed for more than 26 weeks.
(3) Calpundit was the first one I saw to notice the sheer chutzpah [sp?] in asking the countries we're slighting to go ahead and start thinking about considering about maybe possibly forgiving some of that debt....? [since I check these blogs in alphabetical order, it would be unfair to neglect mentioning Cogicophony, Democratic Veteran, Grammar Police (Best Post Title in the Series), Pandagon, and TBogg]
(4) Fanatical Apathy weighs in with a long, complicated, and strangely humorless post. Or is it?
(5) The Left Coaster asks the question about this conundrum (violation of international trade laws, further deterioration of diplomacy) that I ask about every cock-up that occurs in this Administration: when is somebody going to get shit-canned for screwing up?
(6) Outside the Beltway, after getting in a dig at the New York Times, notices the creeping connection between this issue and the steel tarriff 180 a few weeks ago.
(7) Talking Points Memo, master of inside information, gets hold of the actual Wolfowitz memo detailing the silly policy.
(8) And, to close it out, a dispatch from the Whiskey Bar (with an unbelievable/possibly doctored picture of Wolfowitz) that proves that making an Administration official talk like Gollum is always a winner with the geek contingent.
10 December 2003
HOW CAN I BEST PUT THIS?
According to the P-Funk Encyclopedia, Florida is the Zone of Zero Funkativity; the sherriff of whatever crap burg in which George Clinton was arrested is Sir Nose d'VoidofFunk; and Dr. Funkenstein must be granted immunity from this Electric Spank and returned to the Mothership forthwith, where he can practice Funkentelechy.
And while we're at it, Free Tommy Chong, you fascist jackasses!
According to the P-Funk Encyclopedia, Florida is the Zone of Zero Funkativity; the sherriff of whatever crap burg in which George Clinton was arrested is Sir Nose d'VoidofFunk; and Dr. Funkenstein must be granted immunity from this Electric Spank and returned to the Mothership forthwith, where he can practice Funkentelechy.
And while we're at it, Free Tommy Chong, you fascist jackasses!
.
COMPARE AND CONTRAST
Number of Google hits for "William J. Krar" and "William Krar" combined: 98
The details about Mr. Krar can be found here. Basically, Krar "accumulated a large quantity of sodium cyanide and acids such as hydrochloric, nitric and acetic acids" and posssessed "multiple illegal weapons including machine guns, silencers, destructive devices, thousands of rounds of ammunition and a handgun with an obliterated serial number." This is what sodium cyanide does.
Of course, Krar is only a suspected white supremacist with nation-wide links to militia movements, has sold bomb-making material, and was implicated in an Oklahoma City-style bombing plot in 1995. Therefore, according to my improbability calculator, he should rate only a few stories in newspapers in Tyler and Fort Worth, and a follow-up story 3 weeks later in (holding nose) World Net Daily.
Number of Google hits for "Jose Padilla": 34,500
I think this guy was thinking about planning in the future to make a "dirty bomb". I'm pretty sure, because they're all calling him the "Dirty Bomb" suspect. The government's kind of holding him somewhere else without charging him (I think) but I'm sure he'll get his day in court eventually. I think he's involved with real terrorists--- you know, the ones who hate us because of our freedom.
COMPARE AND CONTRAST
Number of Google hits for "William J. Krar" and "William Krar" combined: 98
The details about Mr. Krar can be found here. Basically, Krar "accumulated a large quantity of sodium cyanide and acids such as hydrochloric, nitric and acetic acids" and posssessed "multiple illegal weapons including machine guns, silencers, destructive devices, thousands of rounds of ammunition and a handgun with an obliterated serial number." This is what sodium cyanide does.
Of course, Krar is only a suspected white supremacist with nation-wide links to militia movements, has sold bomb-making material, and was implicated in an Oklahoma City-style bombing plot in 1995. Therefore, according to my improbability calculator, he should rate only a few stories in newspapers in Tyler and Fort Worth, and a follow-up story 3 weeks later in (holding nose) World Net Daily.
Number of Google hits for "Jose Padilla": 34,500
I think this guy was thinking about planning in the future to make a "dirty bomb". I'm pretty sure, because they're all calling him the "Dirty Bomb" suspect. The government's kind of holding him somewhere else without charging him (I think) but I'm sure he'll get his day in court eventually. I think he's involved with real terrorists--- you know, the ones who hate us because of our freedom.
09 December 2003
BEATS CRITICAL THINKING: THE ENTERTAINMENT SECTION EDITION
Damn you! Inflate!
Miss Madonna? What's a studded dildo?
Hey, 8-Ball. Can I get a cigarette from you? I can trade you this subway token inside of my shoe.
Man, Bob Hoskins has really hit rock-bottom.
Got a little song for you, Andre 3000 and Big Boi. Called "Give Me My Goddamned Money", goes a little something like this...
R.I.P. Ruben Gonzalez (1922-2003), the amazing piano player from the Buena Vista Social Club.
Real inspired, Farrelly Brothers.
David Cross! Look out for that puddle of toxic waste! Aw, damn. Just damn!
Gotta love those re-inventions. From Ziggy Stardust to the Thin White Duke to the Really Fucked Up-Lookin' Pseudo-Cowboy Who Should Have Packed It In About Twenty Years Ago.
Damn you! Inflate!
Miss Madonna? What's a studded dildo?
Hey, 8-Ball. Can I get a cigarette from you? I can trade you this subway token inside of my shoe.
Man, Bob Hoskins has really hit rock-bottom.
Got a little song for you, Andre 3000 and Big Boi. Called "Give Me My Goddamned Money", goes a little something like this...
R.I.P. Ruben Gonzalez (1922-2003), the amazing piano player from the Buena Vista Social Club.
Real inspired, Farrelly Brothers.
David Cross! Look out for that puddle of toxic waste! Aw, damn. Just damn!
Gotta love those re-inventions. From Ziggy Stardust to the Thin White Duke to the Really Fucked Up-Lookin' Pseudo-Cowboy Who Should Have Packed It In About Twenty Years Ago.
.
THESE TWO COUNTRIES OWN US LIKE A TOY POODLE
And this goes for both political parties.
(1) The last I checked, Taiwan was not located in the Middle East. Therefore, any expression of yearning for independence or democratic institutions must be squashed post haste to sufficiently appease the Chinese leadership. For righteous anger on the subject, please check out Arthur Silber's wonderful post.
(2) I guess, given enough time, even U.S. News and World Report can fill in the blanked-out pages from the Congressional 9/11 investigation. Would it be OK to go ahead and meekly suggest that Saudi Arabia is one of the central fronts in the war on terror, rather than torturing raw intelligence to retroactively justify an ill-conceived war in Iraq?
Yeah, I didn't think so.
THESE TWO COUNTRIES OWN US LIKE A TOY POODLE
And this goes for both political parties.
(1) The last I checked, Taiwan was not located in the Middle East. Therefore, any expression of yearning for independence or democratic institutions must be squashed post haste to sufficiently appease the Chinese leadership. For righteous anger on the subject, please check out Arthur Silber's wonderful post.
(2) I guess, given enough time, even U.S. News and World Report can fill in the blanked-out pages from the Congressional 9/11 investigation. Would it be OK to go ahead and meekly suggest that Saudi Arabia is one of the central fronts in the war on terror, rather than torturing raw intelligence to retroactively justify an ill-conceived war in Iraq?
Yeah, I didn't think so.
.
CONSERVATION
I still maintain that the 2004 election will only be interesting if somebody actually decides to run against Bush in the Republican primary, forcing him to spend some of his hundreds of millions trying to defend either the "compassionate" or the "conservative" portion of his record. Via the Agitator, an article in American Conservative magazine lays out the case against the President by persons "who believes in limited, constitutional government." by Doug Bandow, a former Reagan Administration official and Fellow at the Cato Institute (whether or not this august body deals with the Green Hornet's sidekick or the Rockets back-up center is still undecided, and I know I've done that joke before).
After laying out his conservative credentials through a series of observations I disagree with (Clinton should have been removed from office, Bush was elected legitimately, tax cuts for the rich are the only acceptable program the Administration puts forward), Bandow goes to town thusly:
(1) Bush is a simpleton who implements simplistic policies for complex problems.
(2) Bush will gladly sell out national interest / fiscal solvency for political gain (civil liberties restrictions, buying off seniors and farmers, irresponsible spending, bad trade policy).
(3) It's a imperial Administration, unwilling to admit mistakes, fire culpable parties, or respect the balance of power in having independent investigations by Congress.
(4) Bush's initial disdain towards nation-building was the correct impulse; since then, he's been pursuing "national social engineering".
(5) His pre-emptive foreign policy is a disaster, causing our future enemies to more quickly arm themselves and alienation to occur with our allies. Trying to keep it up could lead to re-institution of the draft.
Apparently, this guy's break with the Administration occurred in the run-up towards the Iraq war. The question is: will there ever be a credible (or even token) challenge from the right?
CONSERVATION
I still maintain that the 2004 election will only be interesting if somebody actually decides to run against Bush in the Republican primary, forcing him to spend some of his hundreds of millions trying to defend either the "compassionate" or the "conservative" portion of his record. Via the Agitator, an article in American Conservative magazine lays out the case against the President by persons "who believes in limited, constitutional government." by Doug Bandow, a former Reagan Administration official and Fellow at the Cato Institute (whether or not this august body deals with the Green Hornet's sidekick or the Rockets back-up center is still undecided, and I know I've done that joke before).
After laying out his conservative credentials through a series of observations I disagree with (Clinton should have been removed from office, Bush was elected legitimately, tax cuts for the rich are the only acceptable program the Administration puts forward), Bandow goes to town thusly:
(1) Bush is a simpleton who implements simplistic policies for complex problems.
(2) Bush will gladly sell out national interest / fiscal solvency for political gain (civil liberties restrictions, buying off seniors and farmers, irresponsible spending, bad trade policy).
(3) It's a imperial Administration, unwilling to admit mistakes, fire culpable parties, or respect the balance of power in having independent investigations by Congress.
(4) Bush's initial disdain towards nation-building was the correct impulse; since then, he's been pursuing "national social engineering".
(5) His pre-emptive foreign policy is a disaster, causing our future enemies to more quickly arm themselves and alienation to occur with our allies. Trying to keep it up could lead to re-institution of the draft.
Apparently, this guy's break with the Administration occurred in the run-up towards the Iraq war. The question is: will there ever be a credible (or even token) challenge from the right?
08 December 2003
STRICTLY COMMERCIAL, VOL. 1
(1) There’s a commercial with an animated young female bear (you can tell: she’s wearing a bow) who’s doing a needs-to-urinate dance. Apparently, she is concerned because the toilet paper roll next to the non-existent crap-hole is getting low. Her father rolls up on her and patiently explains the virtues of Charmin Ultra, all while holding her in an inappropriate manner. My point is, can somebody explain this fucking commercial to me?
(2) Typical construct: commercial actor plays a complete dumbass (for example: Dodge truck commercial wherein the passenger shouts monster truck slogans out of a megaphone) for 26 out of 30 seconds of the commercial. He/she is upbraided at the end (megaphone is thrown to the ground, annoying character is told to stop). Product name given. Commercial over. Is this working?
(3) Noted actors in the middle levels of decaying fame (DeVito, John Goodman, Sir Lawrence Fishburne, Andy Garcia) read obviously fake letters from mental patients about some sort of satellite service. Next thing you know, they’ll be selling their Golden Globes for food money.
(4) Philip Morris (nee Altria) tells me in no uncertain terms that there is no such thing as a safe cigarette, that I’m a dumbass for continuing to smoke, and that… oh god, I need a cigarette.
(5) Guy throws football through tire swing upon taking a sexual potency enhancement drug. Wasn’t there any stock footage of a high-speed train repeatedly entering a tunnel?
(6) Scary steroid case, lifts weights, holds rally, shouts slogans about categorically having to protect one’s house. Is this a precursor to fascism?
(7) You know, John Stamos seems like a regular, easygoing sort of fella. I am at ease with John Stamos. I think I will opt for the long distance service he’s pimpin’.
(1) There’s a commercial with an animated young female bear (you can tell: she’s wearing a bow) who’s doing a needs-to-urinate dance. Apparently, she is concerned because the toilet paper roll next to the non-existent crap-hole is getting low. Her father rolls up on her and patiently explains the virtues of Charmin Ultra, all while holding her in an inappropriate manner. My point is, can somebody explain this fucking commercial to me?
(2) Typical construct: commercial actor plays a complete dumbass (for example: Dodge truck commercial wherein the passenger shouts monster truck slogans out of a megaphone) for 26 out of 30 seconds of the commercial. He/she is upbraided at the end (megaphone is thrown to the ground, annoying character is told to stop). Product name given. Commercial over. Is this working?
(3) Noted actors in the middle levels of decaying fame (DeVito, John Goodman, Sir Lawrence Fishburne, Andy Garcia) read obviously fake letters from mental patients about some sort of satellite service. Next thing you know, they’ll be selling their Golden Globes for food money.
(4) Philip Morris (nee Altria) tells me in no uncertain terms that there is no such thing as a safe cigarette, that I’m a dumbass for continuing to smoke, and that… oh god, I need a cigarette.
(5) Guy throws football through tire swing upon taking a sexual potency enhancement drug. Wasn’t there any stock footage of a high-speed train repeatedly entering a tunnel?
(6) Scary steroid case, lifts weights, holds rally, shouts slogans about categorically having to protect one’s house. Is this a precursor to fascism?
(7) You know, John Stamos seems like a regular, easygoing sort of fella. I am at ease with John Stamos. I think I will opt for the long distance service he’s pimpin’.
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YOU ARE HEARING ME MAKING AN ENDORSEMENT
YOU ARE HEARING ME MAKING AN ENDORSEMENT