HAPPY FURRY PUPPY STORY TIME WITH NORBIZNESS, version 2.0

I'M GIVING YOU 10 SECONDS TO SPEAK IN TONGUES, THEN YOU'RE OUT ON YOUR ASS

Via Calpundit and Talk Left, we are able to get a glimpse of modern, on-the-go Florida theocracy vis-à-vis the selection for judgeships. The original article ran in the Miami Daily Business Review. Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to determine which of these questions (which, if you were a private employer, would get several lawsuits filed on you in a nanosecond) were actually asked by the Judicial Nomination Comission, and which I made up:

(1) "Will you be able to balance your duties as a single mother of twins with your duties as a judge?"

(2) “You do realize that women are spiritually unfit to be in authority positions over men, right? How do you feel about having an all-female docket?”

(3) “Are you a God-fearing person? How about a sense of general dread? Do you at least get a little nervous around God?”

(4) “Would you mind having the Ten Commandments tattooed on your back? I mean, it wouldn’t look so bad. Remember Robert De Niro in Cape Fear? It could definitely work for you.”

(5) “Do you sometimes wonder why it’s even worth applying for a judgeship when the rapture is so close at hand? Do you own a ‘In Case Of Rapture, This Vehicle Will Be Left Unattended’ bumper-sticker?”

(6) “Do you attend church regularly, or are you still wasting your time in one of those hell-bound ‘temples’ or ‘mosques’?”

(7) “Here’s a rattlesnake. Let’s see what you can do with it.”

(8) “Do you believe that homosexuality is something so nasty and disgusting that it makes God want to vomit? What do you think God’s vomit would smell like?"

HAIRSHIRTS AND INVECTIVE, DAY 2

I've always remained a little bit conflicted about Hitchens. Frankly, I don't really care that he hung out with a bunch of right wing loonies during the Clinton Administration; I think anyone reading or watching The Trials of Henry Kissinger shows that he's done a lot of good work. However, his support of the continuation of Kissinger's policies through old cronies like Rumsfeld and Cheney (lying to the American public about intelligence, rampant corporatism, continued pussyfooting with far more dangerous regimes like Saudi Arabia) due to his excitement over the foreign policy possibilities post-9/11 is baffling and disturbing.

Even more strange is the notion that Slate would include him in the "liberal hawks" who would possibly reconsider their views on the War in Iraq. They have heard of his legendary intrasigence and... er... feistiness, right? After five paragraphs of pillorying the other Slate contributors who were lily-livered enough to have second thoughts about the need for and prosecution of the war, he uncorks "I cannot see the point of the case about a 'distraction' from the hunt for Bin Laden, and this is not only because I strongly suspect that dear Osama has already passed away," evidently oblivious to the recent Army War College report (or any other developments in Afghanistan and Pakistan). No doubt pointing this out makes me selfish, isolationist, and objectively pro-Saddam, but I generally like to see my $1000-2000 share of this war go towards actually enhancing my feeling of security.

Hitchens is followed up by Fred Kaplan, who I don't know from Adam, who asks the important question regardless of the endless debate about whether we're getting back for our buck, and it's a question that should hopefully resonate with anyone old enough to actually remember Vietnam: "How frankly should an elected leader feel obligated to outline the true reasons for war? If the reasons fail to persuade, should he go to war anyway if he feels the cause is right?"

I think that "Operation: Shifting Rationale" proves, sadly, that we won't demand that kind of accountability, and will continue for the foreseeable future to get fooled again and again.

WE CANNOT ALLOW AN ENIGMA TO BE ELECTED FIRST LADY

I personally don't trust a candidate who would marry somebody who isn't interested in being photographed non-stop and pressed into answering asinine questions from Katie Couric. Therefore, I wish to profoundly thank the New York Times for its brilliant expose of a darkly sinister force invading our political ecosystem... Judith Steinberg Dean. Among the revelations in this clear Pultizer Prize front-running article (number of exclamation points indicate the level of threat to the political process):

1. Dr. Steinberg has given about a dozen interviews — none televised — two fund-raising letters and a cameo on a half-hour advertisement!!

2. She has never been to Iowa!!!!!

3. "I think a lot of couples are like us, where they have two career-couples, and both careers are very important to the individuals," Dr. Steinberg, 50, said in an interview this fall. "Each individual has to do what works for her. What works best for me, and what I'm best at, is being a doctor." (!!!!)

4. Voters also have begun to ask about a marriage in which the partners are so often apart!!!!!!

5. "The whole thing has just struck me as a little odd," said Myra Gutin, who has taught a course on first ladies at Rider University in New Jersey for 20 years!!!! [ed: is this class mainly comprised of athletes on academic probation?]

6. Dr. Dean said he kept the news that former Vice President Al Gore would endorse him secret from Dr. Steinberg for nearly three days!!!!!!!!

7. Most of the time, wearing sensible slipper-flats and no makeup or earrings!!!!!!!!!!

8. Friends here said the couple hardly socializes, except to attend their children's sporting events. They don't cook much, either!!!

As if that isn't enough, miraculously employed National Review contributor Katherine Lopez weighs in with her penetrating insight into a subject she knows nothing about: "I’m not sure how it all shakes out if, heaven forbid, Howard Dean became president—would Mrs. Dr. Dean really stay home and practice medicine and pick up the dry cleaning? I doubt it. (And I’m not sure that’s completely desirable—in the context of a man who you'd want to be reasonably well-adjusted considering his job and his family, for one thing, but that’s another conversation.)"

Add this to Cal Thomas' well-timed "How to Explain Our Lord And Savior Jesus Christ to Confused Half-Jewish Kids" column a few weeks ago, and I think that the Dean family is finally on its way to much-needed rehabilitation. More importantly, I think that America has dodged a bullet.
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UPDATE: A commenter on a similar thread at Calpundit's place points to a 2000 CNN article which made Laura Bush seem much more appealing for the same character traits: "Bush himself loves to remind voters of his wife's appealing reticence." (you decide how many exclamation points to assign to this)

INTERMEDIATE FRIEDMANOLOGY: TERM PAPER ASSIGNMENT

Allow me to pantomime my latest column...

From Slate Magazine's open forum for "liberal hawks" to reconsider the Iraq War, we have our good friend Thomas Friedman. He doesn't so take this time to do some soul-searching, but rather goes off into uncharted territory of New Age foreign policy:

"The right reason for this war was to partner with Arab moderates in a long-term strategy of dehumiliation and redignification. The real reason for this war—which was never stated—was to burst what I would call the 'terrorism bubble,' which had built up during the 1990s... Yes, I know, it's not very diplomatic—it's not in the rule book—but everyone in the neighborhood got the message: Henceforth, you will be held accountable. Why Iraq, not Saudi Arabia or Pakistan? Because we could—period."

There are several components of this assignment: (a) what in the hell is redignification? (b) what in the hell is the terrorism bubble? (c) don't the two last sentences concerning Saudi Arabia and Pakistan negate the concept of accountability in the third-to-last sentence? (d) honestly, doesn't he know this? (e) could it be that he understands words that aren't words and doesn't understand actual words? (f) do turtlenecks actually lend an air of gravity to the man? Extra Credit: develop an additional two justifications for Operation: Shifting Rationale whose core concept is not a word or phrase as we know it.

EVEN MORE HALF-BAKED THAN DAVE CHAPPELLE

Just running down a few things that have accumulated like so many fat rolls around William Conrad:

(1) War College Study Calls Iraq a 'Detour': And they didn't even mention the "Road Closed", "Pavement Ends", "Uneven Lanes", and "Under Construction Until 2007" signs.

(2) For the prospect that long-term deficits and financial disarray actually mean something, we have Brookings Institute Senior Scholar Peter R. Orzag (P.S.: I will assume that he is semi-credible). For the prospect that worrying about deficits is for bed-wetting utopian socialists, we have Vice President Dick "We Won The Midterms" Cheney. Too close to call!

(3) I'm not a big fan of making every single word in a post link to another article, but I'll still attempt to make it short. Blair admits that WMD may not be found. / Iraq threat distorted. / Weapons hunters pulled from Iraq. Eh, what's the difference?

(3a) I'm thinking of changing my favorite unofficial Bush/Cheney 2004 campaign slogan from "Sacrifice Is For Chump-Ass Bitches" to "What's The Difference?" Any thoughts?

(4) Intensely unlikeable redneck Roger Clemens is now a Houston Astro, therefore he is officially "our" intensely unlikeable redneck. "We" experienced a similar, more painful shift when Charles Barkley became a Houston Rocket.

(5) Texas Governor Rick Perry has no Cambodian-Americans in high-level positions in state government. I am shocked, outraged, and disgustipated.

(6) Our idea of what constitutes news may need some serious revision. A Bush supporter heckles Howard Dean for "mean mouthing" Bush? Stop the fucking presses! In other shocking news, people that don't vote straight-party Republican may consider voting for Bush in 2004! I can't deal with these insurmountable odds!

(7) The "Freedom of Information Act" may become its own glorious oxymoron (like "First Amendment Zones") after today's Supreme Court (in)activity.

(8) Breaking news: There has been an above-ground Dick Cheney sighting!



He's totally made up of mechanical tigers!

IN SPIRITUAL NEWS....

Tom Cruise, fresh off of absorbing too many blows to the head while filming The Last Samurai, declared that "Buddhism is the grandfather of scientology."

Buddha, who was severely nonplussed by this comparison, issued the following press release from his double-wide trailer outside of Brenham, Texas: "Yeah, I'm pretty sure that a deranged mutation of a self-help system developed by a certifiably insane, shitty science-fiction writer who started his own religion on a bet at a convention is the spiritual descendant of the precepts I laid down in a cave 2500 years ago. I'd like to think that something that claims to be the heir of Buddhism wouldn't need Jenna Elfman, Kirstie Alley, and John Fucking Travolta to pimp it on brain-dead afternoon talk shows. I guess, in my infinite wisdom, I decided not to set up a system of self-fulfillment and balance with nature on the basis of some sort of grotesque, celebrity-driven pyramid scheme. By the way, Mr. Cruise, you still can't act your way out of a wet paper bag."

Advantage: Buddha!

ADVANCED COURSE IN ADMINISTRATION APOLOGETICS

A senior administration official said [former Treasury Secretary] O'Neill's "suggestion that the administration was planning an invasion of Iraq days after taking office is laughable. Nobody listened to him when he was in office. Why should anybody now?" However, other administration officials did not deny that contingency plans were made for a post-Hussein Iraq, and pointed out that "regime change" had been the official policy of the United States since President Bill Clinton.

Or, in plain English: "Because O'Neill was unpopular in the Bush White House, you should not believe the claims in his book. Furthermore, what he said was true, but Clinton Clinton Clinton."

Alternate apologetics: "If someone is saying something against the Administration that is objectively provable using documents, meeting minutes, and other secondary sources, this may be overcome with the term 'sour grapes'."

Final exam: If you find a January 2003 article about O'Neill's first public remarks after his resignation, what should you focus on? (a) his criticism of the $674 billion tax-cut plan, which he thought would be better spent on Social Security solvency; (b) his criticism of Bush's failure to file a timely disclosure of his 1990 sale of Harken Energy stock; (c) his views on economic growth and job creation; (d) his praise of President Bush in the war on terrorism and promoting education policy; or (e) his statement that he was "determined not to say any negative things about the president and the Bush administration."

Congratulations! You are now ready to write whiny press releases!

PROBABLY NOT FAIR AND TECHNICALLY, NUMERICALLY BALANCED
a/k/a George Carlin, Call Your Copyright Lawyer

(A) Five Bad Things, Real or Imagined

1. Child stars complaining about a lack of work, ostensibly from being identified with their character. I mean, that girly little jerkoff son from Who’s the Boss? (answer: indeterminate) was airing that beef. What were you expecting, stupid?

2. The faux-bemused and faux-shocked, and faux-delighted reactions of interviewers on shows like Entertainment Tonight.

3. Frat boys wearing vintage Negro League uniforms, tucked in to a pair of khakis, with a backwards hat and a braided belt that’s six inches too long. Corollary: when Phil Collins tells me how much Muddy Waters influenced him, musically. Corollary to the corollary: Christian-themed rip-offs of the band who ripped off the band who ripped off Alice in Chains.

4. An E! True Hollywood Stories premiering in 2008 that involves the “Men Who Were the Microsoft Butterfly.”

5. Yuppies, be aware. When the revolution comes, let it be known that you fired the first shot with the following line in an SUV commercial: Woman (whiningly): “I’m just telling little Joey about the new Durango!” No quarter asked, none given.

(B) Five Good Things That May or May Not Be Happening

1. The guys that scream at you-- I mean really work themselves into a full, coronary-inducing lather-- to buy baseball cards on late night infomercials.

2. Charlize Theron being unable to get out of character from playing a husky female serial killer in Monster, showing up at an awards show with a full-on fem-mullet, wielding butterfly knife, and drinking a 32-ounce Miller High Life.

3. TV chefs that have hecklers, and that respond to said hecklers with a devastating cayenne pepper in the eye / meat tenderizer to the mid-section combo.

4. Disgusted homeowners calling the cops when one of those Trading Spaces decorators really fucks up and refuses to leave.

5. 400-pound Christian faith healers in motorized wheelchairs who have their own television shows and their own line of holy snack cakes.

AND NOW, A PERSONAL MESSAGE FROM NORBIZNESS' DOMICILE



Rot in hell, you Wal-Mart with plywood.

End transmission.

END OF THE WEEK JACKASSERY

By the way, if you can think of a better caption, enter it in the comments. You might just get to replace my own lazy effort in a subsequent update. Imagine the fame and fortune that could potentially be heading your way!

Now THAT was a big sheepdog.

Teacher! The President’s ruinin’ my construction paper project! Make him stop! (Kop: "See, if you stay between the lines, it looks better than the way you did it, Mr. President.")

We're hoping you'll greenlight this X-treme snow-boarding version of “Spartacus”. (Capital P, channeling the Tony Hawk [c'mon people, it's clearly jumped the shark] Simpsons episode: "I said X-treme, not X-treme to the max!")

I swear to God, the sign just had a “W” with a line through it! Guantanamo? Oh, shit!

Yes, I’m above ground. The subterranean Office Depot didn’t have the Trapper Keepers I like with Kiss on the cover.

OK, it’s back down to yellow. Time to defrost the actual Tom Ridge.

Hey there, fella, I’ll bet you’d like an autograph! You would? You owe me $3,500.

And here’s where the new Halliburton Lunar Excavations headquarters will go. (HWRNMNBSOL: "...and another canister over here! Good God, those Iraqis are cunning!")

Even the whores in the Martian red light district need an edge.

Robin Williams, whose schtick was declared “not funny” by the Office of Homeland Security, is re-assigned to Ice Station Zebra.

ADVENTURES IN FRACTIONS

I am detecting a disturbance in the Enthusiasm Continuum

I hope you'll pardon me if I don't get super-enthused (or, as they say, go all Lawrence Kudlow on your ass) about the new unemployment statistics. As usual, they have been seasonally adjusted and sanitized for your viewing pleasure. The banner headline, of course, is that it's down to 5.7%, the lowest level in over a year and down from 5.9% in November.

However, for those who go against the Guardians of Enthusiasm and actually read the innards of the article, the drop was caused by 300,000 of your fellow Americans deciding to abandon the denominator (i.e. the labor pool), and not by the 1,000 lucky additions to the job creation numerator. Further, they've adjusted the November statistics downward by 43,000 employees (meaning that December, once adjusted, will go into negative territory). Also, economists had expected 130,000 jobs to be created, reminding me of the Kings of Comedy joke: "When can we expect payment? Well, you can expect it anytime! I ain't stoppin' you!"

Finally, it's time to tie this into the big picture. As one of the commenters in Atrios' thread pointed out, the jobs situation was a 20-foot hole, and its hardly an achievement to have progressed to (and stalled out at) an 18-foot hole. For further takes from an actual economist, see Max's take on the subject.

ACCOUNTABILITY: A QUICK PRIMER

It was called the “Texas Miracle,” and you may remember it because President Bush wanted everyone to know about it during his presidential campaign...

... Once he was elected president, Mr. Bush named Paige as secretary of education. And Houston became the model for the president’s “No Child Left Behind” education reform act....

... The Houston school district reported a citywide dropout rate of 1.5 percent. But educators and experts 60 Minutes II checked with put Houston’s true dropout rate somewhere between 25 and 50 percent...

... 60 Minutes II also tried to talk to Paige himself, but he declined. His spokesman said the dropout controversy broke after Paige left Houston to become education secretary...

... Paige’s spokesman suggested that 60 Minutes II talk to Jay Greene, a leading expert on dropouts at the Manhattan Institute...

... But this is what Greene said when asked what he thought about Houston’s “official” dropout rates: “I find that very hard to believe. It is almost certainly not true. I think it’s simply implausible."

Miracles exist, dropouts don't.

FORMAT: TOWN HALL COLUMNIST (REASON FOR WRITING STUPID SHIT): ACTUAL QUOTE. BRIEF COMMENTARY.

It's no World O'Crap, but this is too rich a tapestry of insane blather for one person with too much time on their hands to bogart:

(1) Maggie Gallagher (lobotomized in Catholic School by Attila the Nun): Rewriting the basic rules of marriage puts all children, not just the children in unisex unions, at risk. I formed this conclusion after a lesbian couple cut ahead of me to get in the express line at the supermarket.

(2) William F. Buckley (actually died in 1987): [Dean] puts too great a strain on us with his novel ideas about how to redirect America's destiny. He would of course end the war in Iraq and rid us of any temptation to venture forth elsewhere. Yes, our grand, 2-year tradition of pre-emptive war, down the tubes.

(3) Rich Lowry (nothing to write about): As Ogden Nash famously observed, "The cow is of the bovine ilk/One end is moo, the other, milk." Neither you nor Mr. Nash has ever really studied the other (a/k/a "business") end of a cow, have you?

(4) John McCaslin (vapors produced by simmering homoerotic fantasy): Another time we disclosed that Thune topped a list of 12 congressmen voted by female lawmakers as the "manliest" men on Capitol Hill. Meanwhile, that icky Tom Daschle only rates a 2.5 on the homemade McCaslin Erection-o-Meter.

(5) Ann Coulter (started believing that her own action figure was directing her to write columns): Basically any white person who believes in God is a Republican. And I won’t hear any of your silly counter-examples.

NOBODY DOES CREEPY-CRAZY LIKE MY GAL PEGGY DOES CREEPY-CRAZY

Put on your welding mask and go here......

I want to like Howard Dean. I don't mean I want to support him; I mean I want to like him, or find him admirable even if I don't agree with him. I want the Democratic Party to have a strong nominee this year.

I want to think that the Wall Street Journal wouldn’t employ some sort of Xanax-soaked magical dolphin worshipper, but they do. I want the nation’s foremost conservative newspaper to have a strong editorial section.

We like our presidents sunny, easygoing and optimistic. They have access to the nuclear launch code, and we don't want them losing their tempers easily. Mr. Dean's supporters no doubt see him as optimistic, but optimists aren't angry.

Well, I prefer them not sunnily optimistic that the Invisible Sky Fairy will side with the forces of righteousness in the upcoming Armageddon, but I still sleep at nights.

There is a disjunction between Dean's ethnic background and his personal style. His background is eastern WASP--Park Avenue, the Hamptons, boarding school, Yale. But he doesn't seem like a WASP.

Damn you, master of disguise! Be more WASPy! Here's a yachting jacket!

This may be partly because of his generation. Boomer WASPs didn't really learn How It's Done the way their forebears did. (Boomers of every ethnicity are less ethnic than their forebears.)

Why is “How It’s Done” capitalized? What are you talking about? Is this some sort of code I should be in on?

It will be harder for Republicans to tag Mr. Dean as Son of the Maidstone Club than it was for Democrats to tag Bush One as Heir to Greenwich Country Day.

What is happening? What universe have I been transported to? I need assistance!

Howard Dean's rise is about two things. The first is the war. Most of the other serious Democratic candidates were reasonable about it, if you will. Dean didn't bother to be reasonable, or to appear reasonable: Bush is a bum and his war is a fraud.

I don’t know about bum, but I’m afraid you may want to consult the newspaper articles on Operation: Shifting Rationale today.

I hope something surprising happens in Iowa, and New Hampshire, and in the South. I hope it becomes a real fight on the Democratic side, and I hope that fight yields up someone who is serious, substantive, and thoughtful. But that's not what I see coming.

Of course you don't. Back to the padded cell with her, Roscoe.

NO TIME TO THINK

1. First I'm incompetent when it comes to cars, major and minor appliances, carpentry, Lincoln Logs, and blow-up women. Now I'm a bit concerned about my permalinks not working (once I found out what they were). What code should I cut and paste into my template?

2. Most of the internet intelligentsia is snickering loudly over The New Republic's decision to endorse Joe Lieberman. I was actually pretty heartened by this development, until I learned they had endorsed him as a Democrat. What are they putting in your half-fat skim milk double mocha lattes, you weirdos?

3. I've been nominated for most humorous weblog in the Koufax (i.e. leftie) Awards at the Wampum website. Apparently, "this category seeks to recognize blogs which are consistently humorous while still being thoughtful". Tell them what you think of this awful, reactionary 'thoughtful' criteria by voting for me early and often.

4. Following my New Year's resolution not to brazenly pilfer other people's ideas, I'll simply re-direct you to Jim Henley's take on the "Iraq had a couple of pictures of WMD on a cocktail napkin" yesterday. However, I appropriate little Bongo's take: "Lies lies lies lies lies lies lies."

5. Depending on your slant and the amount of money you're willing to fork over, I can be a real liberal, a fake liberal, a leftist, a Communist sympathizer, an anarcho-syndicalist, a neo-libertarian... or I'll claim that someone else is or isn't really one of those things. It helps to pass the time away.

6. Operation Echo Chamber update (via South Knox Bubba): "Police, DeBusk said, are concerned protesters consumed with being seen and heard might be hit by passing cars." Or accidentally clubbed on the head.

'TIL DEATH DO US PART

I've been informed at regular intervals that I should "get off blogspot", that blogspot is the shitty-tasting generic cola of weblog hosting services, that I need to upgrade to movable type to enhance my permalink accessibility (I'm assuming those are actual words). For a brief nanosecond, I was almost swayed by these arguments, even though I have less money than a Wal-Mart greeter who's getting jellybeans in lieu of overtime compensation.

Then, much to my delight, intrepid reader Carl pointed out that you can access patriotic, George W. Bush-related products through a blogspot-generated link at the top of the page.

"Is it any wonder it's our best-selling button?"


Holy mackerel! I couldn't come up with a better derisive button if I tried!

Oh stop it, I peed my pants! You evil bastards!

Sam the Eagle! You big, fat Muppet sellout!

No fucking way I'm leaving this place now. I love you, Blogspot!

WOULDN'T IT BE NICE?

We sure would like to see low-wage workers get paid overtime, but here's a a clever way that you can pay them with dry-cleaning coupons isntead.

We sure would like to put a stop to horrific gerrymandering, but we'll leave it up to the voters who are being increasingly herded into impotent, gerrymandered districts to do so.

We would sure have liked to assist undocumented Mexican workers in getting legal status earlier, but I'm not aware that the years 2001, 2002, or 2003 were Presidential election years.

We sure would like to hold exporters of nuclear technology to two-thirds of the Axis of Evil accountable, but come on now. Is anybody really paying attention to this story? I mean, seriously. At least Pakistan isn't exporting terror into Afghanistan. Oh, shit. Well, I think we can safely assume that nobody's paying attention to that old nag of a "news story" either.

ALL THE HORSESHIT THAT'S FIT TO PRINT

Shorter David Brooks: Anyone who uses the well-established word "neoconservative" is a dangerously delusional, unhinged, anti-Semitic, conspiracy theorist who doubts the estimable ability of our President to make up his own mind about foreign policy decisions. Did I mention anti-Semitic?

For a more scholarly analysis of this tripas, see Josh Marshall.

FOR THOSE ABOUT TO FROTH, WE DISPUTE YOU

1. Howard Dean, Wahabbist and Fag-Lover (link thanks to And Then...):

But Dean doesn’t have to become a terrorist (although his policies do express a hatred of America that can only be inspired by the Quran); he can convince some of his followers to do it for him. You will get 72 civil unions in heaven.

2. Howard Dean, Brownshirt (Projection):

And no public figure embodies the left's contempt for basic freedoms more perfectly than Howard Dean... It's Goebbels again: Just keep repeating the lies until the lies assume the force of truth... Dean never deals in specifics on security issues. Because he doesn't know the specifics. It's all Big Brother Doublespeak.

3. Howard Dean, Post-Modern Caricature by the Ghost of Spiro Agnew:

In the ad, a farmer says he thinks that "Howard Dean should take his tax-hiking, government-expanding, latte-drinking, sushi-eating, Volvo-driving, New York Times-reading ..." before the farmer's wife then finishes the sentence: "... Hollywood-loving, left-wing freak show back to Vermont, where it belongs."

4. Howard Dean, Channeling Alec Baldwin in Malice

I'm extremely leery of doctors in politics - right or left, they always veer toward the intolerant, dictatorial and secretive.

5. Howard Dean, Pussy-Whipped Cringing Gentile:

Dean's wife is Jewish and his two children are being raised Jewish, which is strange at best, considering the two faiths take a distinctly different view of Jesus.

The many faces of Howard Dean, according to the well-balanced, never clinically deranged Right side of the aisle. And you wonder why apathetic independents like myself who live in electorally pre-determined states won't entertain voting for this absolute psychopath of a candidate, who apparently likes Jews, the Quran, Alec Baldwin characters, fags, raw fish, and Goebbels.

MAYBE YOU EXPECTED 2,500 WORDS ON MEDIA CONSOLIDATION

Nope, Jaws 3-D still sucks. What were you thinking, Dennis Quaid?

Of course I value free speech. However, you must take your confrontational query to the "Interesting Questions Zone" located in the White Castle in Gary, Indiana.

HELP! Secret Service! 'Hungry Caterpillar' down!!

Having Duran Duran cover art on ze valls really helps me to pretend to vork.

Please dear, just another half mil to get me through the weekend. You know I'm good for it.

We're putting the nation on alert for people that may be performing early 80's dances. Here, let me demonstrate "The Robot."

Oh, here's the little nipper. I thought I felt a bulgy spot.

[Poor taste alert] Warning: never buy generic Viagra south of the border.

Great, the band's burnin' blunts in the tour bus and I gotta listen to 45 minutes on textile workers.

THE ONGOING, INFINITE WAR ON CRITICISM

(Title taken from The Onion).

I realize that Incurious George needs to have the day's events and articles synopsized for him by friendly staffers, and that he needs to cancel addresses before the British Parliament if anti-war MPs are there to question him, and that the term "Free Speech Zone" is a horrible but necessary combination of oxymoron and doublespeak, and that people with dissenting placards need to be quarantined away from the rest of right-thinking America as if they had some sort of contagious disease, and that construction workers who have taken leave of their senses should be detained in makeshift outdoor camps, and that the Secret Service's function is to insulate the President from viewpoints other than his own, and that it's OK to arrest people in Crawford even if they aren't protesting, and that the 2004 Republican National Convention in New York will resemble some sort of morbid Escape From New York / Citizen Kane hybrid, but....

.... there's no but. It's just a pretty fucking sorry state of affairs.

REMEMBER ME WHEN YOU'RE RICH AND FAMOUS

Presented without comment, visit them and give them money and show them the adoration and worship they richly deserve (although I have about as much influence with the blogosophere as biracial homosexual vampires do with the GOP):

18 1/2 Minute Gap, And Then..., The Blue Bus, Collective Sigh, Cosmic Iguana, Enjoy Every Sandwich, Fables of the Reconstruction, The Green[e]house Effect, Informed Comment, Just a Bump in the Beltway, Kop's Blog, Low Grade Panic, Metajournalism, Rhetoric & Rhythm, Sidonie's Way, Speedkill, (Evil) Stradiotto, That Colored Fella, A Voyage to Arcturus, and World O'Crap.

Come on, like you really were going to build that huge USS Enterprise model.

BLOG MANIFESTO: END-OF-THE-YEAR AUDIT

(1) Idiotarian is not a word. It does not describe a concept. People who use such terms are idiotarians. Compliance. I have done my part to sneer at this mystifying word’s continued usage.

(2) So and so does not “get it right”. In fact, I don’t care what so and so thinks. Posting somebody’s entire entry, where your entire original content was “(Blogger X) had an interesting post”, is useless. Compliance. I have stolen lots of ideas and links, and have avoided attribution and re-posting.

(3) Nobody gives a fuck about your college, your guinea pig Snuggles, or your hometown. In the words of an Onion T-shirt I can’t afford, “Your Favorite Band Sucks”. Partial compliance. I did get through summer 2003 without saying “Austin’s hot”, but did gloat about the Austin City Limits Music Festival. I did a Desert Island Discs, but have not singled out any band for worship.

(4) You may have libertarian tendencies, but you are not a libertarian. No compliance necessary.

(5) Don’t even try to step to scientific studies, or even pop-scientific studies. Stay away from any math higher than long division, and confine your statistical analysis to such phrases as “why, that’s within the margin of error!” Complete compliance. Haven’t even come close, except to add up the debt.

(6) If called on inconsistent postings by a blog researcher who has combed your archives, admit it freely. Not applicable: nobody is really trying to catch me on anything.

(7) Fundamentalists of any stripe are fucking morons. You don’t have to ever, EVER apologize for making fun of them. Compliance: a moderate amount of derision, and no apologies.

(8) Your analogy is probably wrong on multiple levels. Compliance. This would actually involve research and critical thinking.

(9) If you get negative feedback from screeching lunatics, you’re doing something right. For good measure, delete everything that comes into your e-mail in-box. Gratuitously insert yourself into each talkback, and indiscriminately delete people who keep calling you out (but don’t announce it). When the person complains, delete the complaint. Repeat as necessary. When someone asks “Whatever happened to [unnamed troll]?” delete their post as well. If someone complains about the lack of ideological balance, delete them as well. Leave no evidence of the deletions. Save the e-mails you don’t delete for comic value. Assuming your comments section has many nom de plumes, post stupid e-mails and attribute them to people you don’t like. Make up your own critical e-mails, and respond to them as well, using many fallacious arguments, which in turn generates more e-mails. Not applicable: This is still sound advice, but see #6.

(10) Although this may run contrary to point (2), do selectively quote bloggers you don’t like, punctuated only by the comment “what a fucktard”. For the maximum amount of confusion, use very content-neutral quotes, or even quotes you agree with to make the point again and again that Glenn Reynolds (whoops, Freudian slip) is a fucktard. Consistently leave it up to the reader’s imagination WHY it is you consider Glenn Reynolds a fucktard. Compliance: You can run your own Google search to confirm. However, fewer and fewer people are wondering why he’s a fucktard.

MORE QUESTIONS THAN ANSWERS

1. I’m as opposed to the law enforcement overreaching and evisceration of the 4th Amendment in the Patriot Act as the next guy… but as long as it’s here, there’s got to be a provision we can use to get ESPN’s Chris Berman off the air. Isn’t there?

1a. With portions of Patriot Act II in place, guests in Vegas are being subjected to increased scrutiny. I will gladly trade this gross intrusion on my gambling privacy in exchange for the FBI explaining baccarat to me.

2. Now that the Cowboys have lost 29-10 to the Panthers, can we safely declare them the worst team ever to have made the NFL playoffs?

3. Pete Rose is reportedly admitting in his new autobiography that he bet on baseball. In related news, the Sun is admitting in its new autobiography to being rather warm.

4. Pat Robertson, via the great political bookie in the sky, is predicting… oh, what’s the use? The only think that keeps me an agnostic rather than a militant atheist is the “hot coals up the ass for all eternity” possibility for this jackass.

5. 158-year-old Ralph Hall, a Texas Democrat since Reconstruction, is switching parties because he suspects that Tom DeLay poisoned his dog. Or refuses to give his district money. Or was breaking up his district. I get those Russian Mafia tactics confused.

6. Why are we landing grapes on Mars? Is this a peace offering? Is NASA concerned by the documentaries Mission to Mars and Red Planet?

7. If we just required the average pod person who announces the local TV news to say “Bovine Spongiform Encephalopathy” instead of “mad cow disease”, I have a feeling that the story would disappear pretty quickly.

8. I just saw a commercial for a 2-CD set for a collection called “The Hard and the Heavy” that actually led off with “Up All Night” by Slaughter and followed up with “Cherry Pie” by Warrant, while only listing songs by Judas Priest and Cinderella. That is just bullshit.

9. OK, one picture, but it’s not my caption, because it’s too surreal. And very wrong.

“A U.S. woman (right) and supporter of the Israeli security barrier shouts at an Israeli peace activist in Jerusalem on January 2, 2004.”

10. Everyone should read Veterans for Common Sense, a site promoted and/or run by James Landrith.

REDISTRICTING 2004: SEE POINT #5

(1) I may exhibit an even higher than normal level of partisan shrillness on this issue, since my beloved, compact Travis County congressional district is being carved into three parts. My new district connects me with Hidalgo County, some 250 miles away. I'm pretty sure that a county whose median family income is $7000 and which has a chronic shortage of indoor plumbing is necessarily happy to be lumped in the same "community of interest" as my condo-livin' ass.

(2) I'm not sure whether the new map dilutes minority voting rights, although my magic 8-ball says that "all signs point to yes". As somebody who half-believes in participatory democracy and hates the binary two-party system, the fact that the new map "predetermines elections" and reduces electoral competition is enough for me. If two parties aren't enough, I'm not sure I like the idea of the Republican or Democratic primary determining the outcome of the election.

(3) Also note that Republicans, under the current, uncontroversial map could have won 20 out of 32 seats, but are stuck at 15 "because of poorly run campaigns". No more taking chances, I guess. The expert goes on to call my new District 25 "substantially worse" than any district in most every other map.

(4) The new map has gotten, surprisingly enough, pre-clearance from the Justice Department--- mainly by political appointees overruling the objections of career Justice Department attorneys. It's now in the hands of a 3-judge panel in the 5th Circuit, which may or may not be influenced by a far-less-egregious example of political redistricting in Pennsylvania.

(5) This fucking thing stinks worse than Baytown. For you non-Texans and Orwell fans, imagine a boot stamping down on a bag filled with feces and bleu cheese... forever.

IF YOU'D LIKE, YOU CAN STOP READING AFTER THE FIRST ONE.

I've just had a 24-ounce ribeye to prove that our American beef is safe and... Sweet Jesus, why am I lactating?

No, ma'am, this doesn't have anything to do with terrorism. You just need to get your raggedy ass home and find some clothes made after 1983.

You dare question Emperor Tommy? How about some levitation, puny House Select Committee on Public Health?

(singing) There he is... Mr. Infectious Respiratory Disease...

The Dave Matthews Band has now officially bored everyone shitless.

I'm dreadfully sorry, sir, but it is customary to perform the seated cable rows while not in a three-piece suit.

"$55 for a Loggins and Messina reunion tour ticket, $3.50 for bottled water, $6.50 for Miller Lite, and they only have one Port-o-Potty? Outrageous!"

Local #3189 of the Road Re-Surfacers, Piano Tuners, and Chinese Calligraphers Union just called for an emergency meeting.

NEW YEAR'S DAY LEFTOVER ARTICLE BLITZKRIEG
Not Funny Unless You Rearrange The Letters, and Probably Not Even Then

I can't honestly remember where I got most of these articles, although I'm sure that I've ripped everyone else's research off in equal amounts. Time to scrounge around for that leftover booze.

(1) Attacks Force Retreat From Wide-Ranging Plans for Iraq: All nation-building must go before the 2004 Convention! No reasonable offer will be refused!

(2) Debt-- With You Always: Who wants another $10,000 on their national credit card tab? Don't worry, I'm sure there's a secret plan to move everyone to the Yukon Territory under assumed identities. Related story: Analysts Say Future Budget Outlook Gloomy. I guess 'gloomy' is better than 'potentially disastrous'.

(3) FBI Applies New Rules to Surveillance: If you liked the military operating like law enforcement, you're sure to love criminal investigations being treated like intelligence operations.

(4) State Fiscal Crisis: A brief look at the current effect of actually having to balance your budget. Safety net, schmafety net.

(5) Medical Evacuations From Iraq Near 11,000: "The Pentagon's casualty update for Operation Iraqi Freedom listed on its Web site, however, does not reflect thousands of the evacuations." No comment.

(6) Under The Cover Of Darkness: You see, legislation is just like sausage being made in an underground sausage factory by a select group of unidentified sausage-mongers.

(7) The Bush Administration's Penchant for Secrecy: It's just as well, it would just angry up the blood if you knew what was going on anyway.

(8) Opium is Thriving and the Taleban are Back: Final predictions were "US forces will pull out within three years. The Taleban will be back in power within five." Delightful! For additional information on this obviously un-newsworthy turn of events, see the CEIP Report "Think Again: A Forgotten War."

(9) Jobless Count Skips Millions: Just in case you haven't seen this story on about 134 other weblogs. An excellent explanation of the twinge of skepticism you feel when the unemployment rate seems to drop while everyone you know is struggling to find work. Brief summary: because they forget to count 4.9 million working part-time who would rather be working full-time, as well as 1.5 million "discouraged" job-seekers.

(10) Iraq Keeps Russia, France in Running for Oil Deals: What leads me to believe that this is a late entrant for "Most Short-Lived Development of 2003"? In any event, it gives an interesting look inside the deliberations of the Iraqi Governing Council.

(11) Corporate Pensions Face Pressure (via Atrios, I think): Don't worry, the Fortune 500 companies are only a quarter-of-a-trillion dollars short. Will Wal-Mart step up to the plate and provide the requisite number of greeter positions?

(12) 254 Flicks Battle for Best Picture: Something tells me that 2003 could be the most surprising year for movie awards since Zapped! swept the Oscars in 1983 (according to the Onion). If Bibleman was a feature-length movie instead of a TV show, I'm sure that Willie Aames would grab that elusive second Oscar.

VEGAS VACATION MEMORIES 2004:
REMEMBER WHEN THAT APACHE HELICOPTER BLEW UP DAVID CASSIDY?

Inspiration: Military Gunships to Patrol Strip.

Red Leader One [ed: sorry, I'm terrible with military lingo, so we'll have to use Star Wars instead], we have a Level 3 Partridge sighting at the Bellagio.

Roger that, Corporal Schlock. Preparing to intercept.

Let's see, gold lame or the lavender tux for tonight's show?

The missiles are flying, Uber-Commandant Goulet.

Damn this surgically implanted permanent smile! I REGRET NOTHING!

Outstanding work, team!

Prepare for Operation Infinite Danke Schoen!

NEW YEAR'S FELICITATIONS COURTESY OF THE COLOR ORANGE

BEST 2004 WISHES, COURTESY OF THE AMBIGUITY SONG
(by Camper Van Beethoven)

"Everything seems to be up in the air at this time
Everything seems to be up in the air at this time
One day soon, it'll all settle down
Everything seems to be up in the air at this time
All across the nation, people are gettin' together
From many ideas they form a single goal
Some people are gonna benefit
And others gotta sacrifice
But everything seems to seems to be up in the air at this time
I got some certain special feelings for you
I got some certain special feelings for you
I don't know if they're good or bad
But I just might give you a call
Everything seems to be up in the air at this time."

The above also serves as my only New Year's prediction.

A YOUNG MAN'S GUIDE TO POLICE ACADEMY MOVIES RANKED IN THE WORST 100 OF ALL TIME, ACCORDING TO THE PHILISTINES WHO RATE MOVIES ON IMDB.COM

Police Academy 4: Citizens on Patrol (1987): "Take off with the original cast... and some new civilian recruits as they take to the streets and the skies to fight crime." Alas, the last cinematic appearance of Sgt. Mahoney, played by 12-time Oscar winner Steve Guttenberg. Features, of course, Sharon Stone, who took a break from the Richard Chamberlain Allan Quartermain movies for this. 73rd worst movie of all time, unjustly bookended by the Ed Wood masterpiece Glen or Glenda and the Pauly Shore masterpiece Jury Duty.

Police Academy 5: Assignment: Miami Beach (1988): "Hold everything! The cadets are dropping in on Miami Beach for an all new adventure. " Trying to capitalize on the success of Revenge of the Nerds II: Nerds in Paradise, apparently. Small starring role for Janet "Wayne Gretzky's Wife" Jones. Ranked 39th on the all-time worst list, comfortably in between recent turds in the punch bowl The Cat in the Hat (!) and Rollerball (2002).

Police Academy 6: City Under Siege (1989): "The Grads are going undercover in the city to unmask the mastermind of crime." You knew that the franchise was winding to an end when the sound effects guy was reduced to making farting noises... for 45 minutes. Nobody was spring-boarded to anything from this one. Ranked 32nd on the all-time worst list, between other luminous sequels Teen Wolf Too and Smokey and the Bandit III

Police Academy 7: Mission to Moscow (1994): "Just when we thought the Cold War was over, leave it to these guys to heat it up again." After a five-year franchise hiatus, this movie features a Bubba Smith-less crew teaching the KGB how to deal with the Russian Mafia. Stars Christopher "Count Chocula" Lee and a young Claire Forlani in minor roles. 16th worst movie of all time, sandwiched in between misunderstood Shaquille O'Neal genie epic Kazaam and completely understood Mariah Carey shitbomb Glitter.

THIS POST IS JUST DERANGED AND JUVENILE

As you may or may not have heard, I've waited two months to finally recuse myself from the Plame investigation because Karl Rove had done a lot of political work for me back in the day. I am therefore appointing Glenn Reynolds, the finest unaccredited law professor in the whole of Prince Edward Island, special prosecutor for the duration of the case. What do you have for us, Glenn?

Well, John...

Attorney General Ashcroft, you worm!

Er... Attorney General Ashcroft, I am officially pronouncing this scandal bogus!

Well, that cleans that up. Good job, fucktard. Press corps, exit the premises.

But... but...

You heard the tool. Now get out!

SIR! YES SIR!

TERRORISTS WITH NORMAL NAMES UPDATE

With David Kay finally deciding that the WMD snipe hunt in Iraq is about as productive as watching the Oxygen Channel, perhaps we could re-direct the considerable efforts of his inspections team to East Texas.

According to yesterday's Christian Science Monitor, finding a sodium cyanide bomb and a half-million rounds of ammunition in the hands of an anti-government kook has still only rated "two government press releases and a handful of local stories, but no press conference and no coverage in the national newspapers." You would think that a coup for the FBI like this, which represented the "top of all domestic terrorist arrests in the past 20 years in terms of the lethality of the arsenal", would be trumpeted by the Justice Department and the Administration. However, as one expert on terrorism opined, finding more weapons of mass destruction in the President's home state than in the whole of Iraq could be a bit... embarrassing.

Many thanks to the 18 1/2 Minute Gap and Dave Neiwert for the continuing coverage of this case. As a result, the combined Google hits in searching for the domestic terrorist involved in this case (William Krar) approaches 1,000. Jose Padilla remains comfortably in front, however, with 43,400 hits.

AS A WHITE AGNOSTIC U.S. CITIZEN, I AM AUTHORIZED TO REVEAL THE FOLLOWING FACTS

Chartered in 1839 as the capital of the Republic of Texas, Austin became the state capital when Texas was admitted to the Union in 1846 as the twenty-eighth state.

Austin is now the fourth largest city in the state and the sixteenth most populous city in the nation. The current population of Austin is 680,899 (52.9 percent white, 30.5 percent Hispanic, 9.8 percent African American, 4.7 percent Asian and 2.1 percent other).

Area w/in Austin City limits: 252.3 square miles.

Austin averages 300 days of sunshine each year and about 33.78 inches of rainfall. It rarely snows in Austin. Austin experiences approximately 107 days at temperatures above 90 degrees.

Austin is approximately 230 miles from Mexico and less than 200 miles from 3 of the 10 largest U.S. cities (192 miles from Dallas to its north, 79 miles from San Antonio to its south, and 162 miles from Houston to its southeast).

Austin has the largest urban bat colony in North America.

If you think that publishing these bits of Austinana are signs that I'm going prematurely senile, then you haven't been reading about the dangers of almanacs. Also beware of swarthy people who are inexplicably reading up on 100 ways to please their significant other in the latest issue of Redbook.

DON'T GIVE US ANY IDEAS, PAKISTAN

Breaking news today: Pakistan's lower house on Monday approved constitutional changes that give the president the power to disband parliament and sack the prime minister by decree, part of a landmark compromise that would see this country's military president quit his army post by the end of next year... It will allow Musharraf to serve out his term as president, which ends in 2007, and formalize the extraordinary powers he passed by decree two years ago... Musharraf won a five-year presidential mandate in a highly controversial 2002 referendum in which he was the only candidate.

December 13, 2003: Consequently, while most Americans watched as Hussein was probed for head lice, few were aware that the FBI had just obtained the power to probe their financial records, even if the feds don't suspect their involvement in crime or terrorism... the Senate passed it with a voice vote to avoid individual accountability.

Tommy Franks, December 2003 issue of Cigar Aficionado: "It means the potential of a weapon of mass destruction and a terrorist, massive casualty-producing event somewhere in the western world- it may be in the United States of America- that causes our population to question our own Constitution and to begin to militarize our country in order to avoid a repeat of another mass-casualty-producing event".

I strongly suggest that you connect these events and opinions in your own mind, lest anyone suggest that I am becoming histrionic, unhinged, or prone to violent fits brought on by Bush Derangement Syndrome. I will only add that (1) at least the people in Pakistan had a recorded up-or-down vote and (2) you can read more about Patriot Act II (which will probably continue to be passed on a section-by-section basis as nearly invisible riders on appropriations bills) right here.

I CAST THEE OUT, NATIONAL SECURITY THREAT, IN THE NAME OF THE HOLY EXTERMINATOR!

Tom DeLay, 12/21/03: We've upset the al-Qaida networks to the point that they can't do anything right now.

Plane of Material Existence, 12/23/03: The United States issued a new terrorist attack alert Tuesday as Americans were given stark reminders of the renewed danger from al Qaeda which top officials warned could last beyond the end of year holidays.... NBC and the New York Times quoted US officials as saying the "high" alert would last at least until the end of January.

Realm of Actuality, 12/28/03: A network of Kashmiri and Afghan militants was behind the latest assassination attempt on President Pervez Musharraf, Pakistani officials said on Sunday.

Planet Earth, 12/29/03: Officials blame the suicide bombings (in Kabul) and other attacks on Taleban and al-Qaida terrorist network fighters.

In the words of Meatwad, "Do what now?"

A FEW COMMERCIALS, A FEW UPCOMING MOVIES

Me and Dolph, about to have a peach smoothie*

I was abducted and forced to see Return of the King on Friday. Although I suppose it's too late to derail this freight train, I feel compelled to suggest: for the love of God, Peter Jackson, you're not shooting a Helsberg Diamond commercial. If you would have cut out the nearly one hour's worth of "meaningful glance slo-mo shots", I could have gotten out of that ordeal with my ass nerves intact (and maybe you could have actually included for theatrical release the Christopher Lee death scene, you schmaltz-monger). In short, I think I finally suffered through "franchise fatigue".

1. John Stamos update. You know, John, I was beginning to implicitly trust you and the long-distance service you were pimping, but I sense that bringing your poor, beleaguered mother into the commercials smacks of desperation. To be perfectly honest, John, I think you should work out your mother issues in a more private setting.

2. The Butterfly Effect: Dude, Where’s My Car? Meets Donnie Darko. I have more of a chance to defeat Deep Blue after becoming Queen of Sweden than Ashton Kutcher does in being taken seriously as an actor.

3. Let me echo Mr. Cromulent’s disdain at the “Honey, I got you a new Lexus” Christmas commercials, which will hopefully be put on ice for another 48 weeks. May all of you yuppie scum meet the same fate as that mook who bought his wife a fur and a Cadillac after the Lufthansa heist in Goodfellas. With a Dead Kennedys song blaring in the background for dramatic effect.

4. Torque: There is a growing cancer in America, and it is defined as those people who didn’t get enough adrenaline-filled X-tremism from the Fast and the Furious or XXX franchises. It is incomprehensible to me that natural selection has not taken care of these people, or that the government tried in the last 10 years to make it easier for them to register to vote.

5. There’s a Snickers commercial wherein New York football Giant Michael Strahan flattens an obnoxious, taunting Cowboys fan. Now that the Giants have an extended off-season, how much do you think it would take to hire Strahan to do that for real?

6. The Punisher: I’m sorry, Dolph Lundgren is the Punisher. Please try again in 50 or so years when all memory of that powerhouse performance has faded from the national conscience.

* The smallish gentleman on the left, lamentably, is not me. My mullet is much more majestic.

BACK FROM THE ABYSS WITH 18 HOLIDAY CHEESE LOGS IN TOW

Seriously, can one person really digest that much cheese? The fact that they're pecan-encrusted doesn't really help matters. In non-cheese-log-related news, I am running down the interesting stories and links those holiday troopers in my blogroll have picked up on, and am happy to report the following:

The Angry Bear found an interesting story concerning one of the justifications for the Iraq War that is ready to take the eternal plunge into the memory hole.

Andrew at the Burnt Orange Report clocks in with some analysis on how the ballooning national debt causing splinters within the Republican Party.

It may be 3 degrees out with a wind chill that would instantly numb your extremities, but that's not stopping Colorado Luis from continuing to write about sweet, nourishing beer.

Although I'm still withholding my king-making Presidential endorsement, Lambert over at Corrente does quite a job dissecting a Washington Post hit piece on Howard Dean.

Hesiod at Counterspin analyzes the most recent numbers concerning poverty and falling household income. All I know is... so long as I still get 4-5 credit card solicitations per day, I'll never eat Ramen again!

Adam at Fanatical Apathy weighs in with the beef industry's take on the Mad Cow controversy. I'll admit that I didn't properly freak out about this development over the holidays, as the Norbizness family had chicken gumbo.

Juan Cole at Informed Comment, as usual, is a great summarizer of news regarding the Middle East. He goes into Blair's premature ejaculation concerning the discovery of WMD.

More to come later...

HAPPY HOLIDAYS AND SHIT


In the spirit of the season, let us all remember when Simpsons holiday specials were funny...

Skinner: The fifth grade will now favor us with a scene from Charles Dickens' Christmas Carol.
Homer: Ohhhh.... How many grades does this school have!

Barney: I got me a part-time job working as a Santa down at the mall.
Homer: Wow. Can I do that?
Barney: I dunno. They're pretty selective. [belch]

Manager: Do you like children?
Homer: What do you mean? All the time? Even when they're nuts?

Homer: Um... Dasher, Dancer, Prancer, Nixon, Comet, Cupid.... Donna Dixon?

Bart: Aw come on, Dad. This could be the miracle that saves the Simpsons' Christmas. If TV has taught me anything, it's that miracles always happen to poor kids at Christmas. It happened to Tiny Tim, it happened to Charlie Brown, it happened to the Smurfs, and it's going to happen to us!
Homer: Well, okay, let's go. Who's Tiny Tim?

AT LONG LAST, NORBIZNESS, HAVE YOU NO NEW IDEAS?

Of course you can inspect for WMDs, but I must warn you that there is nothing of interest stored in my head-wear. Oh crap.

Who knew that Alan Derschowitz and Hubie Brown would be the first gay couple married in Canada?

AAAHHH!! What the fuck is that? Red! Change the alert to red! Oh, it’s the sun… never mind.

Hey! How’d you get in here? You’re not a Member of Parliament!

One of the less popular 2:30 a.m. infomercials.

Don’t worry, Ms. Lopez. The memory wipe will take care of Phantoms, Armageddon, Forces of Nature, Dogma, Bounce, Pearl Harbor, Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back, Daredevil, and Gigli.

Huh huh. You said “Mounted”. Yeah! Yeah!

Go ABOUT YOUR BUSINESS, civilian! EVERYTHING is normal! The TIME you spend looking at ME and my GIGANTIC gun could BETTER be spent SHOPPING!

There can be… only one.

What is it about those gay German children that is piquing the interest of these white tiger cubs?

LADIES AND GENTLEMEN, I'VE BEEN TO VIETNAM, AFGHANISTAN, AND IRAQ, AND I CAN SAY WITHOUT HYPERBOLE THAT THIS IS A MILLION TIMES WORSE THAN ALL OF THEM PUT TOGETHER
OK, got a minimalist, almost Kraftwerkian version of the links back up. Extended descriptions have been axed, because I'm lazy and/or I don't want to play favorites.

If I've inadvertently left you off (you were on there before, you'd like to be on there and you think you can take advantage of my technological disorietntation, or you've gone and pre-emptively linked me to begin with), just drop a comment and I'll try to rectify the horrific injustice.

PARDON OUR DUST

Looks like technology has gotten the better of me again, and I'll have to do the links and sidebar from the ground up. In the interim, something to ponder:

Those two guys in those ground-breaking Sonic documentary-style commercials. They tool around in a car, visiting other restaurants and offering not-so-constructive criticism. I mean, where the fuck do they get off doing that shit? What rank, stinking, noxious hypocrisy are these two mouthbreathing horse pleasurers trying to get away with? I tried a breakfast burrito at Sonic once, and ended up losing 15 pounds through gastrointestinal attrition! These are the people who can irretrievably foul up a Frito Pie!

Seriously, Sonic. I hate you. So very much.

LET'S PLAY 20 QUESTIONS: IS IT PROJECTION, OUTRIGHT LIES, OR IRONY?


The three primary moods of Tom DeLay: poisonous, maleficent, and whimsical

I was going to respond to the following quotes from the Littlest Exterminator's horrifying 18 minutes on Meet the Press this morning (the changing of the alert system from Lemon to Tangerine takes care of a few of them), but I thought it would more challenging for long-time coma patients:

The war on terror continues. Iraq, as the president has said, is a battle in that war on terror, and we're going to fight terrorists whether it be in Israel, or Iraq, or Syria, or Afghanistan, or anywhere in the Philippines

So, you know, we are winning this war on terror. We can nitpick it apart, looking for downsides or trying to smear the president, but we're winning this war on terror and the American people know it.

We've upset the al-Qaida networks to the point that they can't do anything right now.

Howard Dean just is an extreme extremist.

And we are bringing spending down and I think some of the conservatives need to really look at the record.

Tax cuts will lower the deficit and bring us to balance. That's how we balance the budget.

You know, the Democrats want to balance the budget by raising spending and raising taxes. The Soviet Union had a balanced budget.

MR. RUSSERT: "Cuckoo's Nest" was your expression, not mine, Congressman, just for the record. REP. DeLAY: That's right.

It's pretty harsh what the Democrats are saying. It's amazing to me the comments that you're hearing now coming from national politicians running for national office.

A sad state of affairs when James Carville is only the second nuttiest bastard on the program.

WEEKEND SPORTS EDITION

You want commentary and insight? Try reading a book, you ungrateful shut-in!

I’m going to let you in on a little secret. I’m not actually left-handed.

Damn you, Crazy Glue! You’re so crazy!

There’s gettin’ freaky, and then there’s gettin’ freaky Iceland-style.

I’m afraid that taking a dump on the field will, ordinarily, get you a red card.

Another skier roped in by the “triple-dog dare”.

This has been Alonzo Mourning for National “Don’t Stick Your Thumb In Your Right Eye” Week.

Did I already use that Crazy Glue joke?

Yeah, I’m pretty sure I did.

Ability to levitate: yet another reason he’s being paid $252 million over 10 years.

Guys, I found some shorts! Can I join your team now?

Tennessee and Georgia St. give a demonstration of what basketball on high-gravity Jupiter would look like.

BARRELED FISH, MEET GUN:
SHORTER TOWN HALL (AND DAVID BROOKS) COLUMNS

(Of course, for the master of shorter editorials, see Mr. Busy, Busy, Busy)

David Brooks: Only 5 more shopping days till Christmas in the Hamptons! No time! I know, I'll just reprint RNC memos!

Neil Cavuto: Fuck Europe. Seriously.

David Limbuagh: Fuck the Clintons. Seriously.

Mike Adams: You want 500 words about conservative banshee action figures and McDonald's products, I'll give you 500 words about conservative banshee action figures and McDonald's products.

Debra Saunders: I am temporarily relinquishing my gig as Laura Branigan impersonator to dump on poor little Dennis Kucinich.

William F. Buckley: You're never too old to jump the shark on the senile, babbling motorcycle.

Marvin Olasky: Just remember, I'm the unhinged witch-burner that turned President Bush on to "compassionate conservatism".

BIG JIM'S HOUSE OF JERKY PRESENTS HALF-ASSED CAPTIONEERING

I love this job. I get $14,000 for adjusting my batting gloves.

I think the Patriots injury situation has just gone from bad to ridiculous.

You mean I'm supposed to have a medical condition? How about Acute Double-Meat Whataburger Deficiency Syndrome?

Deck the halls with boughs of…. Dammit! Sing, you ingrates! SING!

60 Second Reviews with Pope John Paul concludes with a very un-Christian-like savaging of the new Jessica Alba vehicle Honey.

Nursing home’s... out... for.... EVER!

Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer, do…

Nearly $1 billion in international box office for the Lord of the Rings trilogy, and Peter Jackson still can’t afford furniture or shoes. You need a new agent, Peter.

IT'S NOT SO HARD WHEN YOU BREAK IT DOWN SCIENTIFICALLY


Screw you guys... I'm goin' home!

Shorter foreign policy: We are diverting some linguists and analysts from the WMD snipe hunt that we originally diverted from trying to track down al-Qaeda and Taliban in Southeastern Afghanistan to help battle people that by all rights should have been throwing garlands of flowers at us.

Shorter shorter foreign policy: "So what's the difference?"

NEWS FLASH: CONSTITUTION MAY BE APPLICABLE TO AMERICAN CITIZEN

Padilla v. Rumfseld, 2nd Circuit Court of Appeals. Holding: an American citizen detained outside of a zone of combat cannot be held as a rights-less "enemy detainee" unless Congress makes that designation. The President cannot detain American citizens by fiat.

But... he's a bomber! A dirty bomber!

In a great day for partial bipartisanship, two of the judges on the three judge panel were appointed by Bush the Younger (one joined in the decision, one partially concurred and partially dissented).
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UPDATE: Unwilling to get upstaged, the 9th Circuit decided to consider a question already before the Supreme Court, in ruling that non-citizen enemy detainees in Guantanamo should have access to the courts (full text of the opinion in Gherebi v. Bush). More on this later, possibly.

THAT WAS THEN, THIS IS NOW. LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE MIGHT HAVE TO CALL A REPO MAN. WE ARE MOVING TOWARDS DEFICITS IN MAXIMUM OVERDRIVE. THERE IS VERY LITTLE WISDOM IN THE MEN AT WORK ON OUR FISCAL WOES.


Preach on, Brother Emilio!

President Bush, March 2001: "Even if the slowdown were to turn into a recession similar to that of 1990 and '91, the Congressional Budget Office projects that the 10-year surplus would shrink by only 2 percent, from a little more than $5.6 trillion to a little less than $5.5 trillion." and also here: "We can also pay down debt. I know a lot of folks around America are worried about national debt, as am I. We pay down $2 trillion of debt over the next 10 years."

Yesterday (thanks to the Slacktivist): Looks like we can return to $250 billion annual deficits by 2009, if the following things occur (1) we achieve hundreds of billions of dollars in savings, (2) no new tax cuts are implemented, (3) spending growth remains at the rate of inflation, (4) the recent Medicare drug expenses are not counted, (5) we implement either the Logan's Run or Solyent Green plan for future Medicare and Social Security costs.

Can somebody say "up shit creek with a turd for a paddle"?

THE INDEPENDENT COMMISSION 110-METER HURDLES

1. May 2002: Chorus of voices grows for independent 9/11 commission. White House not so happy. "Vice President Dick Cheney has said he would 'actively' discourage creation of an independent panel."

2. September 2002: President Bush reverses course, decides to back Commission.

3. December 2002: Three months later, Bush attempts to appoint highly conflicted war criminal Henry Kissinger to chair the commission (Kissinger & Associates does lobbying work for Saudi Arabia). Kissinger resigns rather than give up his business. Bush appoints Thomas Kean, former Republican governor of New Jersey.

4. March 2003: Since the commission was allotted only $4 million, it's about to run out of money. Asks for another $11 million, bringing its total to one-fourth of the cost of the Whitewater investigation.

5. July 2003: John McCain, who was instrumental in setting up the commission, complains that many government agencies are stonewalling and not producing documents. Complaints later echoed by members of both parties on the commission. Congressional report released with the blacked-out pages.

6. November 2003: After already having to subpoena the FAA, the Commission, frustrated by a lack of cooperation, issues another round for the Pentagon.

7. December 17, 2003: Chairman Kean claims that his research shows that "9/11 was preventable", and claims that the commission still has "more questions than answers".

8. As of right now: Still nobody fired from the Pentagon, the FAA, the Transportation Department, the FBI, or the CIA. Families still trying to find out the truth. More wrangling over executive privilege and "national security". You're goddamned right I'm pissed.

DAMN YOU, MARK HARMON, YOU SEXY BASTARD!


Hmmm... President Harmon... I could get used to that!

Incredibly handsome refugee from the mid-80s Mark Harmon and his 'Navy NCIS' television series (9.3 rating /14 share) beat out President Bush's interview on ABC (8.6 rating/13 share). AND he's playing the President in the indispensable, future Oscar-winning Hilary Duff vehicle "Chasing Liberty". We must all band together to deny the usurper!

I personally blame overly-gauzed television news harpy Diane Sawyer for this sad state of affairs. How can the President appear to be Presidential when answering twice-baked dreck-ridden queries like this?

(1) At that moment (learn of the capture), what happened inside you?
(2) But did you have a moment just father to son after 12 years in which Saddam Hussein had called you "the son of the viper"?
(3) I guess for the family, how — maybe the question they would ask is, How much do you suffer with each death?
(4) Once again, through that door this morning, presumably, you received the threat matrix which you get every morning. (follow up: Did you know ABC has a show called 'Threat Matrix'? It's fascistastic!)
(5) I guess — did you pray to God for the capture of Saddam Hussein?
(6) What would it take to convince you he didn't have weapons of mass destruction?
(7) Are you beatable?
(8) Are they sinners? Are gays sinners?

To be honest, the answers aren't much better. Just geting the American electorate ready for 8 years of the Summer School ticket, where Mark Harmon teams up with Dean "Chainsaw" Cameron.

IF YOU REALLY EXIST, PLEASE DISENFRANCHISE YOURSELVES IMMEDIATELY

'Security Moms'? Thanks for making me vomit up my yogurt shake! 'NASCAR Dads'? There goes the orange juice! 'Young digerati'? And yesterday's tamale plate! Oh, that tastes terrible!

Let's focus on security moms for a moment. Obviously, this is a Rosie-the-Riveter equivalent of a soccer mom; i.e. some suburbanite who worries incessantly about the imperiling of her children by long-range balsa wood drones dropping Ziploc bags full of botulism all over the Little League field. In my day, of course, the standardized insane parental warning had to do with local freakniks putting LSD in the childrens' scratch-and-sniff stickers.... which may have been more plausible.

However, I don't want to get caught up in meaningless demographic labels pioneered and hawked by morning talk-show hosts. When you have only two choices in what they tell you is an important election, it's easy to make up binary trends.

AND NOW, YOUR POOR, UNFORTUNATE WINNERS

A rousing success of a caption contest all around!

Picture #1:

"If you grab right here, you'll be able to hit that high note." Kudos to Teresa, who took the direct approach! Don't blame me if your ears start bleeding.


Picture #2:

"Place the reconstruction contracts on the ground and slowly back away, Mr. Cheney." The crappy leftover CD goes to Pete, with bonus points for being a new father and advertising this crap at significant disadvantage to his reputation.

ADVENTURES IN OBJECTIMIFIED DRUDGALICIOUS REPORTAGE

This, of course, is the picture headlining the Drudge Report's banner headline "Bush: Saddam Deserves 'Ultimate Penalty'." What steely resolve! The link goes to the hard-hitting interview Diane Sawyer will conduct with the leader of the free world; the picture is from yesterday's press conference.

This, of course, is noted vampiritic child-sacrificing creepy-ass motherfucker Wesley Clark, whose Drudge-linked article goes to a one-sentence blurb in the New York Post concerning a fund-raiser Madonna will throw for the General. However, the picture went with a Yahoo! news article concerning the second-day of his blacked-out-by-the-State-Department testimony in an international war crime tribunal against Slobodan Milosevic.

Can you count the number of mind-bending paradoxes in the (a) captioning of (b) presentation of (c) activities underlying the two photos?

IT'S MORNING IN AMERICA AGAIN



"He's a 71-year-old man and I'm wearing my orange vest and credentials. I said, 'He's a retiree and I'm trying to help him get to his bus.' We each had three or four guns on us telling us to get down, facedown in the dirt. Ben didn't get down fast enough and he got a knee in his back."

"These were old Marxists, bussed-in union members and disaffected former hippies who turn out any time they can relive their childhoods from the 60s or the 30s or whatever."

A FRIENDLY REMINDER FOR YOU CHUCKLEHEADS

The "Win A Shitty And Possibly Dinged-Up CD" Caption Contest will be over in 21 hours (5:30 p.m. CST 12/16/03)!

Currently, there are some favorites, but nothing insurmountable. Come on. Don't you want a 1% chance of winning a Happy Mondays' Pills, Thrills & Bellyaches, a Manchesterian (ed: I've been told the proper term is "Mancunian" or "shoegazing") musical masterpiece so malignant that it's been categorically rejected by every used-CD store in the Greater Austin metropolitan area? A&M Records' indispensable Supertramp compilation? One of the twenty-eight separate but indistinguishable albums Neil Young put out in the 1990s?

And, if you want another garbage/borderline insulting pantload of a gift, be sure to enter The Grammar Police's caption contest.... and have yourself a merry little Winter Solstice.

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GOD-DAMN, THAT WAS A MEAT-GRINDER OF A PRESS CONFERENCE

Let's play "spot the questions Norbizness planted to ridicule the press corps"! Transcript here for cheaters.

(1) You say this is not personal, but you've also pointed out this was a man who tried to murder your father. What is your greeting to him?

(2) Mr. President, stop me if you've heard this one: "Do you know how many Frenchmen it takes to defend Paris? It's not known, it's never been tried." Sir, one follow-up, please: "Going to war without the French is like going deer hunting without your accordion." I'm done.

(3) Until recently, a growing number of Americans and a couple of presidential candidates were saying it might be time to think about getting out of Iraq. I know you said that you intend to stay the course, but I wonder what your view is of such sentiments, how concerned you are about that view among the public, and whether or not you think Saddam's capture should change people's thinking?

(4) Sir, that's about the fifteenth time you've brought up September 11th during the conference. Is it safe to say that September 11th taught you some valuable lessons... primarily, that you should always immediately bring up September 11th right up front when a difficult question is asked? (chloroformed.... inaudible)

(5) I know you said there will be a time for politics. But you've also said you wanted to change the tone in Washington. Howard Dean recently seemed to muse aloud whether you had advance knowledge of 9/11. Do you agree or disagree with the RNC that this kind of rhetoric borders on political hate speech?

(6) Mr. President, we all realize that the White House is a "gloat-free" zone. However, in light of this obviously positive development for the Administration, do you think that anyone who ever had any doubts about the initiation or prosecution of the war should ever get a single solitary vote to be President?

(7) Mr. President, you said earlier this morning that in a trial that all of Saddam's atrocities be brought up. He was in power more than 30 years, that probably would make for a long rap sheet. Do you believe that the invasion of Kuwait in 1990 should be included, as well as his assassination attempt against former President Bush?

(8) And I have to ask you since we're here, sir, have you chatted with your Dad since Saddam was captured?

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THE FAMILY CIRCUSIZATION OF THE WESTERN WEBLOG

Alright, who dug up the garden?

Who took a dump in the kitchen sink?

Who shaved an anarchy symbol into Barfy's back fur?

Who is a dull, sad parody of itself?

Who is pointing out the compact irony of my consecutive posts concerning the politicization of the War in Iraq and the effect of Saddam's capture on the Presidential race in 2004?

Who is responsible for anti-americanism, obligatory secularism, paternalism toward minorities?

Who introduced coarseness and scatalogy into otherwise pristine internet debates?

Who has devolved into hatred for confident, wealthy, white, heterosexual men?

Who is killing rational engagement with sophomoric kvetching?

Not Me... er... I mean... The Left!

MORAL CLARITY CHRISTMAS THANK-YOU CARDS by HALLMARK (tm)

Dear United States:

Thanks for the $500 million in aid last year. I plan on using it to buy some nice clothes and school supplies, and not to buy giant vats to assist in the boiling of my political opponents or electric shock devices or batons.

It was nice to visit with your Agriculture Secretary last month, and we like that she singled us out for recognition in the War on Non-Boiling Terror and the War in Iraq. We also appreciate your assistance in removing troublesome limey ambassadors [Ed: read that last link in its entirety] who would slander and defame our stridently anti-democratic little slice of heaven.

I know you liked our precious gift of airbases last year, so we're re-gifting it... until the operations in Afghanistan are over, then feel free to get the rock out of our country. You might think that harsh, but keep in mind that we have a lot of former Soviet Union bioweapons labs.

Your Coalition of the Willing Christmas Buddy,
Uzbekistan

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FUCK IT, I'M OFF THE UNCAVEATED JUBILATION RESERVATION

Let's see if I can tie any of these items together with reasonable coherence (Vegas odds: 5 to 1 against):

(1) With respect to Guantanamo detainees, "[International Red Cross] officials are the only outsiders who have been able to talk to the detainees. In an unusual statement in October, the ICRC said the long incarceration, with repetitive interrogations, no charges and no outside contact has caused a 'worrying deterioration' among the detainees."

(2) Jose Padilla and Yaser Esam Hamdi. Near-blackout for going on two years.

(3) Saddam Hussein, desposed tyrant from a country called "the central front in the War on Terror" by the Vice-President (a sentiment echoed by the President in the last paragraph of his speech today), key to discovering the whereabouts of the still-elusive weapons of mass destruction, possible linchpin in the coordination and financing of some of the insurgency attacks against the troops... gets the details of his initial interrogations immediately published by Time Magazine.

Perhaps I am insufficiently immune to rifts in the logic continuum. Anyone want to take a shot?
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UPDATE: Part of the reason I posted this is because of the mantra of "national security" that justifies secrecy in the war on terror. Is immediately publicizing the results of his interrogation a tacit admission that public relations trumps national security, or that such considerations aren't really in play?

UPDATE 2: And, of course, he will get POW protections, unlike 15-year-old Afghan farmboys that got sold to the Coalition by warlords.

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WOLVERINES!



You can't stop Operation: Red Dawn, my fine despotic friend.



Stay tuned! I will outdo all of the television pundits and predict with stunning accuracy exactly how this is going to affect the ongoing reconstruction of Iraq, the planning and coordination of insurgent attacks upon Coalition troops and international aid projects, the race for the Presidency in 2004, the stock market, and the Bowl Championship Series. I will also give you a eerily prescient preview of the Iraqi war crimes tribunal that will mete out justice.

Sorry, I think I was just contaminated by network news. If you're on TV, you must be an expert.